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Author Topic: Over 20 years and I am still not getting it.  (Read 201 times)
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Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 299

« on: May 09, 2019, 11:36:00 PM »

My parents are ageing rapidly aging . They are 89 (endad and a  lifetime of avoiding or exploding at problems )  and 84 undx narcissist mum who loves nothing better to be the centre of attention and nasty woman and which I say to carers she was always this way, now she cants control it.)  My sister  (major trauma ?BPD,the golden child. ) and I have spent the last 15 years fighting each other over my 'destroying the family' and what a lousey daughter I am.
 I have been helping them over 2 years but I am not being their carer. My sister and I  have sjust started using my husband to communicate, but the other day we had to meet up for intervention because my parents have both lost their licence and mum has been driving.
When my sister is good she is great and we unstoppable, but  like the girl with the curl on her forehead, but when she is bad its awful.

My relationship with my parents and my sister I have no doubt messed with my kids heads. They can tolerate me helping my parents but my kids see it as domestic violence with my sister and we are in the 'honeymoon phase when it's good. My sister and  started messaging directly because I went through the same thought patterns of maybe this time it will be different and in my guts I think I am wishful thinking...

And in that, I just answered my own question...I am going to use contact via my husband and strictly business.

I just need a kick in the pants to remind me not to leap forward in futile hoping, very time I do.

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Gender: Male
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 3406

« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2019, 08:39:47 AM »

Hi yamada

Accepting this harsh reality isn't easy and radical acceptance (unfortunately) is something that really requires continual work over and over again.

How does your sister treat your children?

Also, how does your sister treat your husband? How does your husband feel about being the conduit for communication between you and your sister?

Take care

The Board Parrot

Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
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Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 4800

« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2019, 03:19:03 PM »

Hope... it is what makes detaching and acceptance so difficult.

Accepting this harsh reality isn't easy and radical acceptance (unfortunately) is something that really requires continual work over and over again.
Yes.  I still find some small flame of hope burning in me... 

    “…we cannot be in the present moment and run our story lines at the same time!”
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Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 247

« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2019, 04:39:26 AM »

Hi Yamada,

Somewhere deep down we all still hope for better.
Do not beat yourself up for opening the door just a crack. You tried, you saw no improvements, and you managed to throw the door back in the lock. 

Would you want to be able to stay in direct contact if not for your parents?

All the best,



Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. ~ Confucius.
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Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 299

« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2019, 01:07:40 AM »

I dont know...and I am taking some time off from my parents.they are insatiable and selfish and do my head in.  They don't realise that they are in their home because of me and my sister... I am not even acknowledged on assessments and they tell carer assessors that I cause them stress and anxiety because they cant gaslight me any more and I will not tolerate their behaviour.  its a kick in the guts...so they can manage
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Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 173

« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2019, 09:09:58 AM »

Just a quick note to say I understand how challenging all of this is, and especially issues around care taking and helping elderly parents. I knew things would be tough if my enabler Dad passed before my uBPDm, and my worst nightmare came true 3 years ago. It has been hell since, and tension between my siblings heightened at that time as well. I am in the middle of some drama right now involving getting my Mom from independent living to assisted living , so have to run, but big hugs to you.
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