Telling me I am not being a woman

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am waiting for my final exam to start.   My bph started in again.  I did the best from getting to worked up.  It was the same  song and dance. 

He got upset and I got upset.  He even coined the definition insanity.  Current absurd thing.  I am not reacting the way he wants.  When he gets upset at even the slightest thing, he wants me to put my hands on him and calm him down.  When I don't, then he starts in with this whole obsession thing.  It is something I use to do that helped, now I don't do it anymore.  How he's counting on me to help him.  How he can't be with someone as angry as him.  How I am not acting like a woman because I am not being comforting, supportibe, nurturing.  How come I can't show love and that I care and how I am always pissed off, that I always hate.  I tell him I am simply having a hard time.  He said he is too, but at least he is supportive.

I have to say, all of this.. really making me feel less affection or caring towards him.  I have said I am emotional tapped out.  I am on medication.  I said I feel depressed.  I said that I have a lot I am working through.  It doesn't matter.  Let that sink in.  It doesn't matter.  This is his narcissist side coming out.  You use to do this and that for me.  You use to be this way or that.  You have changed and now your some feminist.  Go be with a woman if you want to act like a man.

I know I am ranting, but I need to get all of this frustration out of my head before my biggest final exam, which he knew and still chose to cry like a little bit** because I was "ignoring" him, when I simply didn't hear and instead of being all lovey dovey after he says to F Off, then he wants to say I am the one being a di**.  F this $hit, he is being a royal a$$hole and I wish he Would leave...

Again.  Sorry for the anger and rant.  I had to clear my head so I can focus.

[Frankee]

I am waiting for my final exam to start.   My bph started in again.  I did the best from getting to worked up.  It was the same  song and dance. 

He got upset and I got upset.  He even coined the definition insanity.  Current absurd thing.  I am not reacting the way he wants.  When he gets upset at even the slightest thing, he wants me to put my hands on him and calm him down.  When I don't, then he starts in with this whole obsession thing.  It is something I use to do that helped, now I don't do it anymore.  How he's counting on me to help him.  How he can't be with someone as angry as him.  How I am not acting like a woman because I am not being comforting, supportibe, nurturing.  How come I can't show love and that I care and how I am always pissed off, that I always hate.  I tell him I am simply having a hard time.  He said he is too, but at least he is supportive.

I have to say, all of this.. really making me feel less affection or caring towards him.  I have said I am emotional tapped out.  I am on medication.  I said I feel depressed.  I said that I have a lot I am working through.  It doesn't matter.  Let that sink in.  It doesn't matter.  This is his narcissist side coming out.  You use to do this and that for me.  You use to be this way or that.  You have changed and now your some feminist.  Go be with a woman if you want to act like a man.

I know I am ranting, but I need to get all of this frustration out of my head before my biggest final exam, which he knew and still chose to cry like a little bit** because I was "ignoring" him, when I simply didn't hear and instead of being all lovey dovey after he says to F Off, then he wants to say I am the one being a di**.  F this $hit, he is being a royal a$$hole and I wish he Would leave...

Again.  Sorry for the anger and rant.  I had to clear my head so I can focus.

[Frankee]

I am finished with all my tests.  I feel pretty awesome.   I come home a d my bph doesn't even ask.. anything.  Not how did it go, how did you do.  I think that hurts more than the rest.  I feel pretty good and nothing. 

[Cat Familiar]

Congratulations on finishing your semester on a good note  

Now, about your relationship...

Nowhere in the Women’s Manual do I see the mandatory requirement of putting hands on an angry man to calm him down. Seems like a life skill he should have picked up at say, age 6 maybe.

And he is supportive how?

You did supremely well putting this out of your mind and focusing upon your classes. Good work, Frankee  

[I Am Redeemed]

So much of what he says to you sounds so familiar to me. My stbx constantly told me I wasn't showing him "care and concern", or "being a wife", all because I was affected in a completely understandable and normal way by his treatment of me.

It does sound like an obsession with him. He's practically bombarding you with this. I'm glad you were able to get through your exams, and that you feel good about that.

So, basically, he expects you to drop everything and rush to his side to soothe him over any one of millions of things that ruffle his feathers on any given day at any given moment. He doesn't show interest in or respect for your achievements in school. He believes that the role of a wife is to be everything he wants whenever he wants. He can have any feelings that he pleases, while you must maintain complete control at all times. You must not be sad, struggling, depressed, stressed, or emotionally depleted, even if it is largely due to his treatment of you, and if you can't do that, it must mean that you just don't want to, which must mean that you don't love him, because if you did, you would not have a problem with him being the most important person in the relationship.

In what way does he think he has been "supportive" of you while you have been struggling?

[formflier]

   My bph started in again.  I did the best from getting to worked up.   I walked away

Congrats on being done.  Fingers crossed on those grades.

What does summer school look like?  I'm in this weird place where I'm still not used to NOT having class, yet I have a ton of projects I have set aside for my program...that I'm now giving attention to. 

Today's project...get the Warn winch going, install a winch point in my garage so I can winch a non running vehicle into the garage.   Anyway...

Look at my quote above.  Frankee...STOP giving him attention when he "comes after you".  By listening you are giving him attention.

He wants YOU!  YOU are the gatekeeper to YOU!  Let him decide to walk through that gate or not.

You can do this.

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

Congratulations on finishing your semester on a good note  

Nowhere in the Women’s Manual do I see the mandatory requirement of putting hands on an angry man to calm him down. Seems like a life skill he should have picked up at say, age 6 maybe.

I feel that way.  He once said about calming himself, then one day he won't need me, then He'll ignore me.  Like being able to self soothe himself is a threat.  Even yesterday, it was clear he said  felt "stuck" because he was counting on me.  It is feeling absurd how his whole "not acting" like a woman thing is getting.  Almost as if he complains about it enough, it was magically fix it.

So, basically, he expects you to drop everything and rush to his side to soothe him over any one of millions of things that ruffle his feathers on any given day at any given moment. He doesn't show interest in or respect for your achievements in school. He believes that the role of a wife is to be everything he wants whenever he wants. He can have any feelings that he pleases, while you must maintain complete control at all times. You must not be sad, struggling, depressed, stressed, or emotionally depleted, even if it is largely due to his treatment of you, and if you can't do that, it must mean that you just don't want to, which must mean that you don't love him, because if you did, you would not have a problem with him being the most important person in the relationship.

This sounds exactly like how he has been acting and what I have been thinking.  What did you do or day when yours act that way?  I am getting really fed up with this whole obsession thing and how he continues to take jabs at my "lack of nurture " because I am not treating him like one of my boys.

Congrats on being done.

Look at my quote above.  Frankee...STOP giving him attention when he "comes after you".  By listening you are giving him attention.

He wants YOU!  YOU are the gatekeeper to YOU!  Let him decide to walk through that gate or not.

Thank you

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee, I didn't know anything about BPD, and I didn't find this forum until after I left, so I did a lot of JADE-ing and when that wasn't working (of course) I would just shut down and not say anything, basically just enduring his blather. Mine was the type that would escalate to violence if I refused to let him hold me captive for his complaints, insults, and character assaults. It devastated my mental health. I am still recovering from it.

He had very narrow and rigid beliefs about gender roles, which I learned from Lundy Bancroft is common for men who are abusers. Combined with the BPD, that was a recipe for disaster in the relationship.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Frankee-
What you have accomplished is remarkable, truly remarkable!  I see the fact that through all of the pain and turmoil you’ve endured over the last few months (and more) that you have seen your future as YOU want it and need it to be.  You have so much to be proud of, so much.

You have quietly gathered your strength, been smart about keeping BPDh’s dysregulations under control the best you could, and ruled your destiny...your studies.  It’s fine if he wants to label you “less than” a woman, that’s HIS issue, not yours.  Whatever names he wants to use on you have nothing whatsoever to do with you.  Nothing.  The problem is not that you have “changed”; it’s more the sad fact that he hasn’t.  And if he doesn’t start reading the tea leaves, he may truly lose you.

Yea, the day may come when you look at him, with all his complaints, whining, blaming, violence and emptiness, and you may see nothing...except someone you “thought” you once loved.

Frankee, I see in you. And Redeemed.  And Cat.  And Formflier. And sometimes even me...loving, beautiful souls who have made painful sacrifices over and over with oftentimes minimal to no results (in his selfish eyes).  But each result counts for you and is something, a building block for your future.  BPDh’s failure to acknowledge the greatness in you is HIS weakness, not yours.  If he were to ask (he likely won’t) you could hold the mirror for him to assist in his self reflection, but only he can do the hard work to alter how he sees and feels about himself.

It is a privilege to hear about the positive journey you are making.  I hold these same sentiments and respect for Redeemed and Cat and Formflier.  Y’all are a worthy team of heroes in my eyes...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

I have to say, all of this.. really making me feel less affection or caring towards him.

people with BPD traits are often hyper in tune (sometimes accurately, sometimes not) with the waxing and waning of their partners affections. they tend to use dysfunctional ways of going about getting that affection back, ones that often push their partners away.

do you think maybe he senses that you are withdrawing, and that the demands for attention are more about that, overall, than specific incidents?

[Cat Familiar]

I noticed a pattern in myself when I dealt with an abusive partner. When the abuse wasn't overt or likely to become physical, then I'd "relax" a bit and start to feel some of the anger I'd repressed when I'd felt in danger.

I had to suppress years of anger because it wasn't safe for me to express it or even feel it. And when my anger finally did come out, it could be inappropriately extreme for the particular circumstance.

Like what OR said, pwBPD can be very intuitive about noticing our feelings and if you're feeling disengaged from him, he's likely to respond to that.

[Frankee]

I had to suppress years of anger because it wasn't safe for me to express it or even feel it.

I feel this is where I am currently at sometimes.  For so long, I had to be careful not to throw explosives on already dangerous situations.  For a long time, I was in fear for what would happen if I was to express it.  You don't anger someone who was as mentally unstable and violent as he use to be.

dysfunctional ways of going about getting that affection back, ones that often push their partners away.

do you think maybe he senses that you are withdrawing, and that the demands for attention are more about that, overall, than specific incidents?

I have been thinking of this.  It has been a constant statement where I use to do xyz and now I don't.  I use to help with this or that, now I don't. Demanding I react a certain when he acts a certain way.  The obsession, the insanity he seems to be stuck on replay.  I am still trying to figure out how to get stuck out of this whole, not touching him when he gets the slightest bit upset.  What's even more insane is he admitted that he keeps doing it... huh.. I just realized he is doing the Extinction Burst.  Any time you quit something cold turkey, your brain will make a last-ditch effort to return you to your old ways.  Well.. that makes me feel a lot less crazy.

Dear Frankee-
What you have accomplished is remarkable, truly remarkable!

Yea, the day may come when you look at him, with all his complaints, whining, blaming, violence and emptiness, and you may see nothing...except someone you “thought” you once loved.

Frankee, I see in you. And Redeemed.  And Cat.  And Formflier. And sometimes even me...loving, beautiful souls who have made painful sacrifices over and over with oftentimes minimal to no results (in his selfish eyes).

I hold these same sentiments and respect for Redeemed and Cat and Formflier.  Y’all are a worthy team of heroes in my eyes...

I really appreciate the very beautiful words.  It means a lot to know I have support from others.  Redeemed recently replied and I couldn't believe how spot on the description was of my current situation.  Cat and Formflier have also been so helpful with everything I have/am going through.  I hope one day I will come on the forum and provide such wisdom to help others. 

Now that my studies are done for the semester, I am going to refocus on getting on my own two feet.  I need a full time job, my own car, a reliable phone.  I feel if I can get these three things first, I will be on my way to getting away.  I have even made mental plans for going back to the shelter I was at before if things get too hairy.  I drive by it every now and then.  I remember where to go to check in and the undisclosed location.  At least this time I will be prepared.  I have noticed the downside of living where I am is the number of shelters are vastly limited.  I think there is one DV shelter and the Salvation Army.  I sometimes think of moving to the nearest town for more resources.

I am also holding out till the end of the month to do anything serious.  My oldest will be going with his grandparents and will be gone most of the summer.  That will give me time to make better plans.  I do not anticipate things getting hostile or bad, but I am trying to prepare.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, I am so glad you are getting stronger!   

My uBPD H seems to be improving, but I keep my disengagement tools with me in case he starts up again with rage, name calling or  breaking things.

I keep this list in mind to refer to when my H dysregulates.  It gives me a sanity check that I am not the crazy one, and abuse cannot be excused because someone has a mental disorder.

https://www.doorwaysva.org/our-work/education-advocacy/the-facts-about-domestic-violence/types-of-domestic-violence/

Warm wishes, AW

[Skip]

How he can't be with someone as angry as him.  How I am not acting like a woman because I am not being comforting, supportive, nurturing.  How come I can't show love and that I care and how I am always pissed off, that I always hate.  I tell him I am simply having a hard time.  He said he is too, but at least he is supportive.

Frankee, I'm going to comment from a different angle than the others.

1. You have become emotionally unavailable, shut down.
2. He is not being abusive. He is being needy... reacting to rejection.
3. You both escalate to fight mode with relatively minor provocation.

The bottom line here is that everything that you are doing is telegraphing that you are planning to leave him... and he knows that it can come in the middle of the night and without warning. No one is going to be a good partner in that environment.

If you are dead certain that you are leaving, then this is all fine. You have cut off air to the relationship and it is in the stages of dying. If this is the case, it is important to keep things very low key (don't amp it up), and its important to get out as soon as you have means.

Being angry and contentious is not a good idea.

If there is a possibility of you staying, then none of this is good. Your actions are seeding resentments and breaking down the relationship fabric to a point where things are not going to be recoverable. Maybe you run off into the night and hide in Idaho with your child. Maybe it ends with a horrific DV incident. Maybe an affair. Maybe a suicide. My point is that if you continue on the current trajectory for any period of time, there is likely a very unfavorable outcome and these things often come when you least expect them.

You are finding some comfort in shutting down and standing up to him and fighting back. I get that. Your feel justified and empowered. It's a normal feeling. It may be fully justified.

It's important, however, to know that this is situation is a ticking time bomb. There is likely a significant counter reaction brewing.

[Cat Familiar]

Frankee,  I want to echo Skip's concern for your safety.

Having been in a violent abusive relationship with my ex-husband for many years, I don't think there was ever a time where I could truly feel safe.

Yes, there were times when he wasn't actively abusive, but he could turn on a dime and suddenly rage without warning.

You need to decide that you're either in the relationship, or working to get out of it. Waffling will put you in danger in ways Skip has mentioned.

When I finally exited my marriage, I had gotten to the point one night where I was going to fight back if he attacked me and I was ready to fight to the death. I knew then that I had to get out or I would ultimately end up dead or in prison. And I was so filled with anger for how he'd treated me for years, I was extremely volatile.

Please don't let those feelings of anger, justified as they may be, trigger an explosive reaction. Think about your future, your children's future, and all that you want to do, want to be, want to create. Keep working toward self-sufficiency.