Why did I stay, when others would have run for the hills?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Friends,

I ponder that question: why did I stay so long in an unhealthy r/s?  Having young kids, of course, was a major reason.

In addition, like to think I stayed because I'm stronger, more determined and more patient than most, yet those qualities worked against me in my BPD r/s.  Looking back at 16 years of marriage to my BPDxW, I find that my loyalty was misplaced.

Digging deeper, I suspect that I was particularly susceptible to a BPD r/s due to my own unresolved issues, arising out of my FOO.  I lacked confidence, had low self-esteem and had no understanding of self-love and self-acceptance.  The  model I grew up with, my parents' marriage, was flawed yet familiar.  We (my father, sister and brother) recognized that my mother could blow her top at any time, which normalized a dynamic that carried over into my marriage.

I was raised to be an over-achiever, with the result that I often felt like I was missing the mark, despite all my accomplishments.  Receiving love bombing from my BPDxW at the outset of our r/s felt wonderful, like I was finally being appreciated for who I am.  Yet it proved a mirage.  I was looking outside myself, rather from within, for my self-esteem. 

I tolerated physical and emotional abuse behind closed doors and was easily manipulated by my BPDxW.  It took me a long time to stand up for myself.

I wonder whether others can relate to my experiences? 

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

I ponder that question: why did I stay so long in an unhealthy r/s?  Having young kids, of course, was a major reason.

In addition, like to think I stayed because I'm stronger, more determined and more patient than most, yet those qualities worked against me in my BPD r/s.  Looking back at 16 years of marriage to my BPDxW, I find that my loyalty was misplaced.

Digging deeper, I suspect that I was particularly susceptible to a BPD r/s due to my own unresolved issues, arising out of my FOO.  I lacked confidence, had low self-esteem and had no understanding of self-love and self-acceptance.  The  model I grew up with, my parents' marriage, was flawed yet familiar.  We (my father, sister and brother) recognized that my mother could blow her top at any time, which normalized a dynamic that carried over into my marriage.

I was raised to be an over-achiever, with the result that I often felt like I was missing the mark, despite all my accomplishments.  Receiving love bombing from my BPDxW at the outset of our r/s felt wonderful, like I was finally being appreciated for who I am.  Yet it proved a mirage.  I was looking outside myself, rather from within, for my self-esteem. 

I tolerated physical and emotional abuse behind closed doors and was easily manipulated by my BPDxW.  It took me a long time to stand up for myself.

I wonder whether others can relate to my experiences? 

LuckyJim

[itsmeSnap]

like to think I stayed because I'm stronger, more determined and more patient than most[...]
I lacked confidence, had low self-esteem and had no understanding of self-love and self-acceptance.

I used to have those things, now I'm working on it and at least self-esteem has gone up quite considerably lately, confidence is getting there as well. Self-acceptance is a work in progress, so is self-love.

But despite being better at those "flaws" I still take pride in my decision to stand firm for what I want, including a relationship.

You see, for me I'm not sure where I modeled it because I saw the pain of just "staying" happen to my parents. There's just something I don't like about not working things through, breakups and ended relationships in general (including business) seem to me like the other person giving up, escaping their responsibility or simply being irrational (I seriously don't know why of this last one, maybe a "lived happily ever after" fantasy or something)

"reasonable expectations" say that you should never wait for someone to change, even if they could. I don't want to think that way, because what if I could change, be better, and wasn't given a chance at something good for both? messes with my head, so I don't do it. I stay.

Looking back at 16 years of marriage to my BPDxW, I find that my loyalty was misplaced.

If I had to consider one thing to agree with you, it would be about "misplaced loyalty". And not about "where/who" it was placed upon, but the reasons for it where misguided. See, for me that determination to stay and work through things is a good thing, but to "twist it" into accepting abuse is not cool.

When I dated a pwBPD I did take it upon myself not to "fix her", but to understand her. It was so satisfying to realize that I could indeed defuse her anger, that she listened to me about her self defeating patterns. It was superficial of course, I could never truly work through her deep underlying issues, but it was enough that she never escalated past just being angry. Maybe I was the better manipulator in my case .

Anyway, my point is that we are who we are. We work with what we have and make the best of it.

I recently took a singing class and was talking to my brother about goals and expectations, it somehow came up how it was unreasonable to expect "master" status given I started so late in life, but it turned into a philosophical "well, I will also never sing like Barry White, I just don't have the voice for that, that doesn't mean I should feel bad for not being able to do that, I'll do the best I can with what I got"

Work with what you have, polish it into a form you can be proud of, and be aware of your limitations. We all have them, we all have a different set, don't be discouraged by what you don't have, embrace your gifts and make them grow!

[I Am Redeemed]

LJ,

I can relate to a lot of your reasons. I had low self esteem and confidence, as well. My FOO also certainly contributed. My mother attempted suicide at age 43, when I was two. Subsequently she had a stroke, and was permanently disabled. My sister took over as my primary caregiver (she is twenty years older than me) and she held lots of resentment against my mother and father (her stepfather). There was a very tense dynamic in the house, with anger outbursts, yelling, verbal abuse, silent treatment, and emotional manipulation. I was caught in the middle and learned to try to fly under the radar. My feelings were never validated. I was taught to please other people, and taught that love is conditional based on you doing what other people want or think you should do.

I developed major depression and anxiety as well as a substance abuse disorder. I met my ex in AA, and I was tolerant of mistakes because I had made plenty. I thought I could be patient and understanding, and figure out a way to guide him to the help he desperately needed. I believed he wanted to change.

It took me years to realize that he actually doesn't. He really wants all the benefits of a stable life (house, kids, wife) without taking responsibility for the behavior that made all those things impossible (drug use, financial irresponsibly, physical, mental and emotional abuse).

I got caught up in the belief that my worth was based upon my ability to fix s broken person. I thought it was giving up if I let go. I was stuck with the idea of showing unconditional love, which I had never received, and believed that meant accepting another with flaws and all, even if that person's flaws caused damage to me.

I was determined to have a miracle, and I was stubborn enough to keep forcing the square peg of our relationship into the round hole of a happily ever after.

[Lucky Jim]

I got caught up in the belief that my worth was based upon my ability to fix s broken person. I thought it was giving up if I let go. I was stuck with the idea of showing unconditional love, which I had never received, and believed that meant accepting another with flaws and all, even if that person's flaws caused damage to me.

I hear you, Redeemed.  I'm a loyal person, yet my loyalty proved misplaced with a persecutor.  I didn't love myself enough to see that I didn't deserve physical and emotional abuse from my BPDxW.  The concept of "giving up" was tied to my notions of failure.  I refused to quit, even though my marriage was driving me into the ground.

I lacked the strength to leave and was only able to make a change after two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me.  It was humbling, yet forced me to see what I refused to acknowledge: that my marriage had broken down irretrievably and the only way to save myself was to part ways with my BPDxW.  At that point, I had depleted all my physical, emotional and financial resources and, to use a cliche, was a shadow of my former self.

I stayed far longer than was healthy for me, when other folks would probably have run for the hills.

LJ

[PeteWitsend]

I'm still coming to grips with WHY I accepted her behavior...

I know what her rationalizations were, and what mine were:

She claimed that as an immigrant, she was more vulnerable and needed security.  And her anxiety stemmed from her uncertain status in a new country.

After we were married, and she had that security, in both title and in fact, the reasons for justifying her behavior shifted, but the behavior stayed the same.  And also her inconsistent rationale belied the fact that she had behavioral issues that were extreme.

On my end, I believed the former - her issues were due to her immigrant status - as it seemed legit at the time.  

I also assumed that some of her behavior while we were dating - e.g. seeking attention from other guys to make me jealous, and seeming to welcome male attention, and always deny other guys were romantically interested in her... well, at the time I told myself "Hey, you've never dated someone this attractive... gotta get used to other guys hitting on her.  embrace the challenge."

STUPID!

I think the reason I ended up with her was no more compicated than my own personal vanity... being with an attractive + 1 made me feel good.  I didn't worry about "trying to do better" or "who else was out there."

Although eventually as her true nature as a "high conflict person" revealed itself, I understood how valuable my own time, space, and sanity was to me.  

I also see the cost of ignoring red flags and making excuses for one's behavior.

I would never rush into or force a relationship again; I do think, however, I will likely have trust issues to resolve; I know not every potential "red flag" is going to be a sign of a personality disorder... but it's hard to know when to forgive some foibles and transgressions, and when to see trends and core behaviors reveal themselves. 

[Cat Familiar]

I lacked confidence, had low self-esteem and had no understanding of self-love and self-acceptance.  The  model I grew up with, my parents' marriage, was flawed yet familiar.  We (my father, sister and brother) recognized that my mother could blow her top at any time, which normalized a dynamic that carried over into my marriage.

I was raised to be an over-achiever, with the result that I often felt like I was missing the mark, despite all my accomplishments.  Receiving love bombing from my BPDxW at the outset of our r/s felt wonderful, like I was finally being appreciated for who I am.  Yet it proved a mirage.  I was looking outside myself, rather from within, for my self-esteem. 

Ditto. Exactamundo.

I got together with my ex-husband during a time when I felt really vulnerable. I had made some bad decisions and things were not working out too well in my life. He showed up and showered me with affection and emotional support and I thought maybe this is what I should be doing--being in a relationship with him, even though I wasn't really attracted to him. He was smart and entertaining and was determined to entrap me. And so he did, for far longer than I should have stayed.

The usual story. Once I was in, his behavior changed. Then it was years of eroding my self-esteem and self-confidence, which wasn't strong to begin with. I put up with violence, infidelity, drug abuse until I was ready to die or explode. And only then did I have the momentum to end the relationship and find my freedom and reunite with myself.

[zachira]

Abusers have subtle ways of testing their potential targets. A potential partner with healthy self esteem will walk away at the first sign of abuse. Those of us who are vulnerable to being taken into the false self of the abuser, are usually too hooked to walk away by the time the relationship becomes really abusive. In my experience, being with an abuser is having one's self esteem constantly eroded by the abuser so that it just gets harder and harder to pick oneself up and walk away.

[Harri]

I stayed because after a long time of believing a relationship would be impossible for me and no one would want me, he swept me away.  He knew all about my history and still accepted me and cared about me and did not flinch in the face of some of what happened to me.  I let myself believe he was a gift and in some ways he was, but it was also devastating to me.

I was naive and so damn grateful that someone loved me in spite of everything.  I saw his flaws, some of them anyway, but I wanted to give to him the acceptance and love I craved for myself.  I projected my needs on him and then tried to fill them.  There was also some arrogance in me that made me think I could handle things better than he could and that all I had to do was be patient with him.

Looking back i can see my neediness, low self-esteem, and desperation to be loved.  I can also see how he groomed me in a way.  We knew each other for a while before we got together.  He was a mentor to me before we became lovers.  I was full of gratitude for his love.

At least I no longer cringe when I think about all this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Harri, zachira, Cat Familiar, PeteWitsend, I Am Redeemed & It'smeSnap,

I'm touched by your courageous posts.  Thanks for giving voice to issues I find so hard to articulate.  It means a lot to hear from you.

LuckyJim

[PeteWitsend]

Abusers have subtle ways of testing their potential targets. A potential partner with healthy self esteem will walk away at the first sign of abuse. Those of us who are vulnerable to being taken into the false self of the abuser, are usually too hooked to walk away by the time the relationship becomes really abusive. In my experience, being with an abuser is having one's self esteem constantly eroded by the abuser so that it just gets harder and harder to pick oneself up and walk away.

I think there's also an issue here with "Nons" genuinely being shocked to learn pwBPD or similar PD's like NPD could intentionally be so manipulative toward others.  In my case, it was surprising to see she would actually plan conflicts out, first laying the groundwork for a fight, then planning the actual fight for a quiet moment later on.

There's particular event I'm thinking of that was crazy to me at the time, and one of the final "nails in the coffin" so to speak of trust between my XW and I... I'll relate below:

So uBPDXW was planning to make a "family tree" for our son.  to this end, she requested family photos from all our parents.

Well, one night, after we put the kids to bed, I'm changing and getting ready to relax and she drops on me that she got in fight with my mom earlier that day over the photos issue.  

Right away I'm dreading this, because these particular fights with my mom went on for weeks, and became nasty in seconds, (and also nonsensical).  

I parried by immediately taking uBPXW's side and making a comment that my mom was very insensitive... I could see that was not the reaction XW expected from me, so she tried a couple more jabs, but she eventually dropped it.  

I immediately went and checked her phone to see what the text exchange between them was, and saw my XW was intentionally ignoring a lot of friendly context from my mom: "hi how are you?  can't wait to see your family tree project when it's done!  what a great idea!"  ... and just attacked her over some words used outside of the context.  my mom wisely stopped responding after that.  The fight was entirely one-sided, and all the hostility came from my XW.  

(FWIW - my XW NEVER even tried to make the family tree in the end.)

So I suspect she really set the whole thing up, just to ambush my mom, then berate ME for not taking "her side" in the fight.  why?  to what end?  Who knows?  

but This showed me:
1) She would actually take the time to PLAN fights!

2) She had no qualms using other people as a means to an end, and did not even consider their feelings or the harm she might be causing.  

3) She had no qualms about lying to my face, even about easily disproved claims, and would not back down, even when confronted with evidence of her dishonesty.

Prior to this relationship, I knew people could be malicious toward eachother, of course, but I didn't know that this sort of borderline psychotic behavior could be present in someone who was not a serial killer.  

Had I known seemingly "regular people" were capable of such actions and thinking, I would've been a lot more wary of her.  I think I would've moved on after knowing her for about a month.

(but then I woudn't have my kids, so...)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pete, Exactly.  My BPDxW had similar quarrels with members of my family over mole hills that she turned into mountains, for no good reason.  To your other point, I was naive, and  found it hard to conceive that my spouse could be so unkind to me.

Hey zachira, nicely said:

Abusers have subtle ways of testing their potential targets. A potential partner with healthy self esteem will walk away at the first sign of abuse. Those of us who are vulnerable to being taken into the false self of the abuser, are usually too hooked to walk away by the time the relationship becomes really abusive. In my experience, being with an abuser is having one's self esteem constantly eroded by the abuser so that it just gets harder and harder to pick oneself up and walk away.

I count myself among those who were hooked by the time things got really abusive.  Yes, she eroded my self-esteem through a program of abuse, with the result that I had nothing left in the tank towards the end.  It required an intervention, as I mentioned above, for me to walk away.  Now that I've left, she's continues her emotional abuse towards our children and me through PAS (parental alienation syndrome).  BPD casts a long shadow, sad to say.

LJ

[PeteWitsend]

Hey Pete, Exactly.  My BPDxW had similar quarrels with members of my family over mole hills that she turned into mountains, for no good reason.  To your other point, I was naive, and  found it hard to conceive that my spouse could be so unkind to me.

Hey zachira, nicely said:

I count myself among those who were hooked by the time things got really abusive.  Yes, she eroded my self-esteem through a program of abuse, with the result that I had nothing left in the tank towards the end.  It required an intervention, as I mentioned above, for me to walk away.  Now that I've left, she's continues her emotional abuse towards our children and me through PAS (parental alienation syndrome).  BPD casts a long shadow, sad to say.

LJ

So my XW had a childhood friend who was also most likely BPD, although even more extreme than my XW.

This friend (we'll call her XWF) was married, and was not only emotionally abusive, but also physically abusive toward her husband... and he was an army officer and West Point alum, so you'd think not a complete doormat.  They stayed over our house once - super awkward - and we'd hear them screaming upstairs, and he'd come down with scratches on his face or redness that looked like he'd been slapped or hit.  YIKES.

Anyways, my XW would talk to XWF from time to time, and then fill me in on all XWF's latest drama with her husband.  It was always a little awkward because I'd be agreeing with my XW "Yeah, wow, XWF is really crazy sweetie"... while at the same time thinking "Hey, some of this sounds a little too familiar..."

Anyway, XWF said that a wife needs to destroy her husband's self-esteem and confidence so that he doesn't go off and leave her or cheat on her.  She actually said that. 

No carrot, all stick...

The idea that sort of behavior might actually drive one's husband AWAY never occurred to either of them apparently. 

[JNChell]

Lucky Jim, thanks for the thread. It’s important. FOO. I stayed because it was familiar and I didn’t really know much else (emotionally) when it came to intimate  relationships. Like you, when I found out that S4’s mom was pregnant, I went all in. Dropped my boundaries, which were weak to begin with, and made myself completely vulnerable to S4’s mom. After he was born, there was another “honeymoon” phase that was based around our Son. After that, everything declined. Abuse throughout my childhood and adolescence is all I really need to know now. It’s much more easy to deal with and accept as I move forward, but it (FOO) still shows its face unexpectedly. When I feel like I’m doing better. It’s weird. I read many accounts here of members feeling better, only to be contacted again by an ex when they felt like they were in the clear.

I don’t know about you, but I think I’ve learned what to let in and what to keep out by now.

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, I read a quote from Thomas Merton over the weekend in which he refers to "the temptation to destroy ourselves for love of the other."  I suspect that I succumbed to this temptation in my marriage.  Merton describes it as madness "to follow the beloved even into hell."  Yet I let my BPDxW lead me into some dark places.

I doubt that I loved myself enough to love another.  I lacked the ability to run for the hills when things became unhealthy for me.  I thought self-sacrifice had a value in itself and was willing to give up my self to please my BPDxW.  Reading these lines now, it sounds a little crazy, yet at one point it seemed noble.

Now I embrace my imperfections, which affords me room to grow.  It's a journey towards authenticity!

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

[oftentimes]

I'm so grateful for this thread as I am currently searching for the best path forward and am terrified of looking back 10 years from now and thinking WHY did I stay for so long. As someone who is in the thick of it right now, my thought process is this:
- As Pete said - the behavior of a BPD person can be absolutely mindblowing to a non. It's like everything I've ever known to be true about people and relationships has been shattered. It's really tough to think clearly about the next best steps when it feels like I'm standing on an entirely different planet. None of the old rules apply. There don't seem to be any rules at all. How is it even possible to figure out what to do when you can't even figure out where you are in all of this?

-I know that staying in an abusive relationship is complicated and that it will vary for all of us. I most certainly have a trauma bond with my partner that I am working to break through distance. But I dont have a low self-esteem and actually have a lot of professional expertise when it comes to healthy vs abusive relationships. etc., which makes me lucky, I suppose, but it also makes this all the more confusing. How is it that I can be an expert in a field that is so relevant to these dynamics I am facing but feel so powerless and confused to decide the right path forward.

-For me, the entire struggle comes down to my daughter. I am terrified of this traumatizing her. If I leave and he goes untreated (which he likely would) he will either successfully complete suicide (there have already been 4 attempts since May of last year) or he will continue to find himself in toxic abusive relationships and she will be exposed to that.

I'm at a complete loss and I am devestated. I'm a survivor of some pretty complex childhood trauma and my greatest fear in the world is not being able to protect my daughter.

That is why I'm "staying" so to speak. Is it the right move? I don't know. It's certainly not the right move for my wellbeing. But what is worse for my wellbeing is the slow death of watching my daughter suffer at the hands of an unstable, abusive father.

I wish she didn't love him so much. I hate that I feel that way.

[Cat Familiar]

the behavior of a BPD person can be absolutely mindblowing to a non. It's like everything I've ever known to be true about people and relationships has been shattered. It's really tough to think clearly about the next best steps when it feels like I'm standing on an entirely different planet. None of the old rules apply. There don't seem to be any rules at all. How is it even possible to figure out what to do when you can't even figure out where you are in all of this?

Endorsed. It's true that many of the rules for successful human interaction are actually counterproductive with a pwBPD. However, there are rules of engagement--but it's like learning an entirely new language and it takes time and commitment. If you spend some time on the Bettering board, you will learn these tools.

But I dont have a low self-esteem and actually have a lot of professional expertise when it comes to healthy vs abusive relationships. etc., which makes me lucky, I suppose, but it also makes this all the more confusing. How is it that I can be an expert in a field that is so relevant to these dynamics I am facing but feel so powerless and confused to decide the right path forward.

You answer the question you pose here further down in your reply.

I'm a survivor of some pretty complex childhood trauma and my greatest fear in the world is not being able to protect my daughter.

There are no good answers when a child is involved and a partner is suicidal and engages in "toxic abusive relationships." It seems that it is a balance between being able to maintain a healthy environment for your child, whether that be by defusing conflict while staying with your partner or whether it is creating a safe space alone without conflict. Only you can determine what you think is best for you and her.

[WindofChange]

I appreciate this thread, LJ. Thank you for opening up, and giving everyone else a space to open up and share.
For me, I was in an unhappy marriage and preparing to leave. I was living in a mostly sexless marriage (had zero attraction for several reasons). I met my exBPDbf and there was a strong physical attraction, but also I was drawn in by his vulnerability. He shared that he'd lost his infant son a few years before (born premature and lived only a month). Between the physical attraction, the love bombing from him, the compassion I had for this wounded soul, and my own longing for romance after several years in an unsatisfying marriage, well, I was only too ready to jump into a relationship with him. He seemed like my soul mate. He was charming, loving, romantic, passionate, loved animals, fun...He was so open and loving with me, and told me he loved me early on. I was guarded at first, but he broke down all my boundaries and I let myself be completely vulnerable to him. I gave myself to him completely, without reservation.
Then when things started going bad, I was so deeply emotionally invested that I just wanted to help him, save him, love him into wholeness. I stayed because of that and also because as a Christian I felt that's what I was called to do, to love unconditionally, sacrificially. That I should do whatever I could to heal this broken lost soul. So I put up with more than I would ever have done in any other relationship. Until (finally) I reached my limit and I ended it.
Was low self-esteem a part of it? I don't know. When things were bad and I had become this needy, desperate person, and he was so mean when he was upset, my self-esteem definitely took a deep dive. I'm much better than I was a year ago. I finally got to where I recognized his manipulation for what it was and refused to allow it to affect me anymore. I believe it was out of desperation to keep me with him, not to just inflict pain on me, because I do believe he loved me, as much as he was able. But I also think that BPDs have a way of finding compassionate people who can fill their needs and take care of them (at least for a while). Then they bond intensely and...so it goes.

[mart555]

Read this book, it will likely explain why...
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

You are not alone. A lot of us have been there.  19 years before I called it quits.  Thought about it many times in the last few years but I guess I just kept going on because it was routine.  But at some point the bucket is full and you need to move on.  It's been a super rocky 6 months (cops, suicide threats, mental health hospital, death threats, assaults, ..) which I never thought would be possible but none the less, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and live is getting better.

[Panda39]

My Partner has an uBPDxw the catalyst for him filing for divorce after 17 years of marriage was her emotional abuse towards their oldest daughter.

Why did he stay?  Lack of self-confidence regarding women (low self-esteem).  His FOO...In charge dutiful dad and alcoholic mom.  He became his dad (internalized his dad's behaviors - 2 younger brothers internalized mom's both recovered alcoholics).  He was dutiful, he took his marriage vows seriously, and he could fix his wife just like his dad helped his mom fix herself (35+ years sobriety).   Unfortunately, mental illness and alcoholism are not the same thing.

As an outside observer, I think he in some ways enjoyed the intellectual challenge his wife posed.  He spent a lot of time trying to solve the problems she created...proving he was a good guy, smart guy, good husband, good father (back to that low self esteem again).

I would also say that early on he didn't see and she didn't show the full flowering of her BPD behaviors until her mother died halfway through their marriage.  We think mom helped keep his ex's behaviors in check.

The second half of their marriage steadily spiraled down and then there was an incident with his wife and daughter and he hit the breaking point.

I have my own story about staying in a dysfunctional marriage too long and without going through the whole thing...fear was a big factor, fear of not being able to care for my son, and fear that I would fail, fear of homelessness.  Feeling unsupported (financially in particular) by my family.  My own poor self-esteem (cue critical controlling mother).  I later came to recognize that I got to feel good about myself in my marriage to an alcoholic.  I got to be the good parent, the responsible adult, the rational non impaired one, the self righteous one. (Back to self-esteem)

So for me maybe it comes down to 3 things - Self-esteem, your own emotional baggage/dysfunction, and what are the rewards for staying.  Remember the only people we control is ourselves so the decision to stay or leave is ours and no one else's. 

Panda39

[Starfire]

FOO was a major influence for me. Through my own therapy, I discovered that my mother was probably undiagnosed BPD. She hadn't been a part of my life for years, but had recently resurfaced. I met BPD ex at about that time. Then my mother died. It is no coincidence that these things happened during the same time period. My formative years were with a BPD mother, so that kind of relationship is what felt normal to me, and even though I had broken out of that with my mom for many years, the circumstances at the time just brought it all back.  And I met a man who fulfilled what felt like normal love to me just when my mother left my life totally with no way to return.

There was also a bit of the "I'm strong I can handle this" component you mentioned. I'm a very structured logical thinker, and I was absolutely certain that I was equipped to make sense of the man and the relationship. {facepalm}  Hubris on my part.

[Lucky Jim]

There was also a bit of the "I'm strong I can handle this" component you mentioned. I'm a very structured logical thinker, and I was absolutely certain that I was equipped to make sense of the man and the relationship. {facepalm}  Hubris on my part.

Yup, Starfire, that was me, too.  Hubris, for sure.  I'm used to overcoming challenges and thought that I could crack the BPD Code, yet BPD proved too much for me.  I finally had to throw in the towel.

LJ

[zachira]

Lucky Jim, I hear you when you say you thought you could crack the BPD code and finally had to throw in the towel. At my jobs, I liked to take the most difficult clients and find ways to work with them. With my family members with BPD, I was so determined to change the toxic relational dynamics only to discover after years of personal therapy looking at my part in the relationships with family members with BPD that I could change and grow, and my family members can't. I believe our strengths can sometimes be our downfall. So many times, we think others have the same capacities we have: whether it is high mental capacity in some areas, athletic talent, emotional intelligence; the reality is we all have different abilities and challenges, and it is important to know ourselves well enough to realize what we excel in and what our challenges are, while being aware of how others fall on the different spectrums of abilities.

[JNChell]

"the temptation to destroy ourselves for love of the other."
I was detrimentally stuck in this place. I assume that you were as well in having shared the quote. Was there a defining moment when you were able to see things for what they were, or was it a gradual process where, one day, you said “hmm” to yourself and realized that you didn’t think of her as much, and when you did your feelings didn’t really hurt anymore?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNChell, Sure, I was caught up in that dynamic.  I would say it was a gradual process.  I thought self-sacrifice was noble for the good of my marriage.  I took my wedding vows seriously.  I valued loyalty.  Yet I came to see that my loyalty was misplaced with a persecutor.  My kindness became a license for abuse.  I went through three Phases: In Phase One, I became a doormat; In Phase Two, I fought fire with fire and met every abuse with as much or more abuse in return; In Phase Three, I refused to participate in the drama and practiced disengagement.  I stayed above the fray, which gave me perspective.  Yes, at that point, I saw things for what they were.

LJ

[AnuDay]

We stayed for the challenge of the chase and trying to change the BPD! The thrill of the arguments and the make-ups! the affection they showed and how they acted like they needed me and were lost and I could be their teacher! Oh the joy of it all!   
The horrible acts that I overlooked or made up excuses for!  The glaring flashing red lights that said "Abort!" "Abort!" "Abort!"  The horrendous lack of empathy that I tried to smooth over with others!  The extreme self-absorption!
Oh, the misery of it all.  The gift and the curse. 

As we become healthier emotionally we begin to realize that we will NEVER have another relationship like this again.  This is NOT normal and it is NOT healthy and it is NOT something to want to attain. 
My low self-esteem, my foo patterns repeating themselves, my need to feel loved and needed all contributed towards me looking for someone like the BPD.  I have been out for 2 years now.  Every year gets better.  Every year I get stronger.  Every year I gain more clarity.  Judging from the comments here we have all been through what you describe LuckyJim ...and that is why we stayed for so long.

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely put, AnuDay!