Searching for explanation and guidance

[*Popeye*]

I'm not really sure how this works. I'm not a fan of social media and the like, as it has enormously negative impacts on self-identity and often creates a narrowing of perspectives which appears to be dividing us as a society. I'm hoping this support group thing might be a little different, and provide me with a bit of insight and guidance, hopefully give me some new perspectives that might point out the things I'm missing.
 
One of my colleagues recently suggested "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to me following a brief conversation about some of my recent interactions with my wife. It all resonated. I highlighted things that I felt might be applicable to my specific situation and found about 75% of the book to be yellow when I was done. I asked my mother to give it a look as well so that we might discretely discuss some of the content.

I feel undervalued, generally, and unloved, and most of the things I do are misinterpreted and subject to unnecessarily harsh criticism. My wife is a stay-at-home Mom, we recently bought a new house, I got us relocated and took a promotion, and we just bought two new vehicles. We live 30 minutes from the beach after years of living somewhere we hated. I've worked hard to give our quality of life some major upgrades, but there's a little voice in the back of my head I always have to combat saying: "None of this matters, she still doesn't love me". My wife has always been distant, intimacy is rare and feels a bit awkward, and all of the concepts of Fear of Abandonment and Overwhelming Emptiness seem applicable because she rarely ever shows me any emotion aside from anger and disgust. She was married before to someone who was emotionally and sexually abusive, her Father wasn't around much when she was a child, and her Mother actually seems to be a close to 100% match for the behavior described in the book (probably one of the many reasons her Father was not very present throughout her childhood). She often sits quietly looking distraught, tells me she can't stand her body, and often looks at me with disgust, which makes little sense because my job requires I stay at the top of my game both mentally and physically. I've often wondered why she can't seem to see any of the many "heroic acts" I perform, which I would probably describe more accurately as daily self-sacrifices and prioritization of my family. I've begged her to "be human with me" on multiple occasions because she seems to only notice the rare things that slip through the cracks, and I can't begin to express how hard it is trying to be perfect knowing that even a "perfect" day has moments of blame and criticism. One of the major pieces that stood out was the question of whether or not my relationship feels like a constant power struggle. It does, and I try to remind her that we're on the same team, but that doesn't work. I constantly adapt to the things life has thrown at us, and we've actually accomplished a great deal of success as a result of my decisions, but my necessary adaptability is often seen as me being "inconsistent" or "contradicting" myself. If I'm tired and nod off on the couch, I wake up to a glare; when I try to talk to her about feeling an overwhelming desire to spend more time with my daughter because she's growing up so fast, I'm met with accusations of living a life of regret and commentary on how stupid it is to feel the way I do. She's really hurtful in an argument, only sees things she thinks are flaws, speaks in absolute terms, is often sarcastic and belittling, and almost never seems happy or satisfied. During a recent ugly event, she told me that everyone in my life thinks I'm an asshole. . . Now, I'm not a social butterfly, I believe in being honest with people and doing the right thing even when it's hard or uncomfortable, but I've been pretty good overall to the people in my life, and I've felt well loved by those close to me throughout my over 30 years. I'm flawed, just like everyone, I've said thoughtless things, been unnecessarily honest in hurtful ways, and used people whether consciously or not, but I'm a genuine person on the whole and I try to treat people well despite some of the ugly places and situations I've been in. Prior to my relationship with her, I've never really doubted myself or been told so often that I'm a bad guy. . . actually I've often received admiration.

Shortly after we got married, a little over 5 years ago, she told me she didn't love me, along with a slew of other statements and accusations that I've tried hard to forget and move past. Things like "I'm scared for my daughter because I know she'll have to deal with men like you", or "You're worse than he was because I don't love you, but you won't give me a good reason to leave." Stuff that absolutely flew in the face of the love we shared and the decisions we made as a team at the beginning of our life together. Amidst losing our jobs due to contract cuts, having a child, and getting married, I also felt like I lost her. It was a stressful time, but we figured it out, and looking back I'm puzzled by how we managed to get farther apart rather than closer. My experience tells me healthy people grow together; instead, I've found that I'm tougher than I was because I've navigated so many of life's trials, and my absolutely befuddling relationship with her, alone. 

I love my wife. When there are no major stressors present, she can become an amazing person whose company I wouldn't trade for anything. I've learned to predict some of her moods: she gets exhausted, her stomach is finicky, and her hormones make her head spin around and turn her into a monster for a week (or so. . . sometimes 3 weeks) each month. I've learned to ask conditional-specific questions when the irrationality starts to show up, or when she's critical for no apparent reason, because she has a germ phobia and she often just doesn't physically feel well. When she does feel well, though, she often still looks sad or upset, while insisting that she's "fine". One day she'll pick a fight over something insignificant (bait I used to be, and sometimes still am, dumb enough to take); she'll end up hopeless, talking about my being controlling and manipulative, that the court gives custody to Mother's and that I'll never get see my daughter, we'll spend hours in tense silence or in separate rooms, and the next day she'll be looking at houses to buy and talking about how nice she wants the rest of our lives together to be. To the rest of the world she is the most self-less, compassionate, genuine person I've ever met, and at the beginning of our relationship, she was the first person who really seemed to care about me to the same extent that I cared about her (a whole new experience in my life). Now, years after our wedding and the birth of our daughter, I'm still waiting to see the person I fell in love with for more than a couple hours or a day at a time - a person I'm realizing now still created distance, sat in uncomfortable silence, had me thoroughly perplexed, and gave me fits of anxiety.  I just overlooked all of it as a new relationship, and found some situations to be eye-opening opportunities to gain self-awareness.
 
I try to remind myself that she loves me even though she does very little I would normally expect someone to do to show it, and I constantly wonder what I could possibly do better, or what I've done to convince her not to trust and be vulnerable with me. I feel like our relationship takes place at arm's length.

Somewhere in there I know she loves me, respects me, trusts me, all the good stuff, but I rarely get to see it. Usually her behavior seems to reflect a disappointment in and with me. I use a lot of humor to deflect irrational attacks, and I have the words "F*$k It" as the background on my phone to remind me to let stuff go and just relax. I know I'm not perfect, I know I make mistakes and have my own issues, but I can't seem to ever receive acceptance for who I am, what I need, or appreciation for the sacrifices and diligence with which I support my family. I struggled with parenting for years until I realized that being a father is supposed to be different than being a mother. I am a better parent when my wife isn't around, my anxiety is lower, I know I'm not being judged, and I feel more of my goofy dad side come out. It comes naturally, setting clear limits in a compassionate way with my daughter, finding ways we can have fun together. What makes parenting hard for me is my wife's constant disapproval and the overwhelming message that she doesn't trust or even like me, let alone love me.

I hope the explanations in the book apply, I hope she has BPD, because if she doesn't then I don't know what the hell is happening/has happened over the past 5 years. If she does, though, then I need some real concrete guidance on how I can help her and how I can conduct myself in a way that might close some of the distance between us. The vague stuff won't cut it. I want to help her feel more secure, in our life as well as with herself. Things seem to get much worse when our life is hectic and stressful, while we're going through changes, and better when the dust settles, but it never feels quite right. I know she loves me, but it gets hard to remind myself of that because her behavior reflects the opposite.

So I've written a lot for not knowing how this works. I'm looking for help, maybe to help me, maybe to help us. I'm not going anywhere, so I need to learn some ways to defuse the nonsense, talk to her more effectively, and manage myself to make our relationship better rather than worse.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I don't know you and you don't owe me anything, so I appreciate your time and compassion.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Popeye and welcome to the family!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I have to say -- I "get" it. In fact, most of the people here can "get" it. We've been or still are where you are.

Relationships with pwBPD (or just BPD traits) are confusing, complex, painful and very difficult to understand if you've never been in one.

The good news is, there are tools and tips that can help your relationship improve. Many people here (including yours truly) have seen a lot of progress and improvement. It takes time, dedication and hard work and there are no guarantees, but it is possible. Just hang in there.

You've shared a lot, which is great. The more we know, the more we can help. Sometimes breaking things down into bite-sized pieces can really help. So, just to boil things down, what do you see as the biggest problem area in your relationship right now? What area would you most like to improve?

[Red5]

Hello and welcome Popeye!  

You've found a great website to come to and learn, to tell your story, and to interact with others whom are in the exact same boat as you are.

As I read your story, it strikes me at how we all seem to be experiencing the same things in our marriages, relationships… almost as if our partners are following the same 'script'… even the actions, behaviors, and language is the same.

Its good that you are reading, and that you are learning about what you suspect is borderline personality disorder… for many of us… "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was also the very first book we picked up looking for answers… it is actually on YouTube now as an audiobook, a full eight hours, and as well listed here on this website in the bookmarks…

There are several other books I'd like to recommend, that may help you in your quest for further knowledge,

*“Codependent No More”... by Melody Beattie (on YouTube as an audiobook, and also here in the BPDfam library)

*"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder": How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship 1st Edition… by Shari Y. Manning   (Author),    Marsha M. Linehan (Foreword)… also here (discussed) in BPDfam "library"…

*"Understanding the Borderline Mother": Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, By: Christine Ann Lawson  … also linked here on BPDfam -> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336431.0

Also some helpful links within this website:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=28.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=20.0

So again welcome… my best advice is to keep learning, there are many tools here that offer guidance on how to interact with our borderline partners, to "stop making things worse"… " and dial down conflict"… look around the website, it is loaded with great articles, and helpful advice, and learning tools…

Please know that you are not alone, & keep posting Popeye!

Kind Regards, Red5

 

[Oxo]

Hello, I'm new as well. Although this website is becoming a life line to me. I probably knew something was not quite right for decades but three years ago all hell started in my marriage after a number of significant life events and struggled feeling very isolated and lost on an ever increasing out of control rollercoaster. The biggest help for me so far is finding How similar my journey is to others (including yours). At the moment it's comforting just to know the guilt I was Feeling is not justified to carry any more and that I am not unique in this horrible journey. I'm also reading "eggshells" and it's painful reading as it more like a autobiography than a self help book. Take care-  people I've found on here are insightful, empathic and get the world I am in. I also share your distrust of social media , forums etc but up to now as I have said -this place has been a lifeline.

[Harri]

Hi Popeye and welcome!  I am so glad you are reaching out for support in spite of your dislike of social media.   While this is a peer support group, we are focused on improving our lives and recovery work, so we are unique in that way.

Reading your post, I will say that things sound difficult and familiar.  Unfortunately we have a lot of people in similar situations.  The good news is that you are not alone and we have people here at all different points so you will benefit from the collective wisdom and support.

I like Ozzie's suggestion of picking one thing to focus on for now.  We can help you narrow your focus as you try to navigate your way through your relationship.  We do have tools and strategies that can help.

One resource I want to share with you now is an article on Projection.  Projection is a defense all people use, but people with BPD (pwBPD) or pwBPD traits use more frequently.  Projection is not something we consciously choose to do though.  It is a defense for strong and unpleasant emotions that people find difficult to accept and handle.  Given some of the things you posted about, I thought a better understanding of projection might give you some relief and a different perspective of what is going on.  We all play a part in our relationships, good or bad.  Sometimes though, what our partner says has more to do with them, their history of trauma and inability to process through it all.

All that said   here is our article:  Behaviors:  Projection

Keep posting, reading and reaching out. We get it here.

[*Popeye*]

First, thank you all for the kind words and support. The fact that my story sounds familiar to you tells me that maybe I'm in the right place, and I might be on track towards some explanations. That's phenomenal because the confusion is what makes life so incredibly hard. Hate and contempt one minute, in it together the next, my head has been spinning for years. I feel a bit of my confidence coming back knowing that I'm not a complete mess, that maybe (as I suspected) I make normal human mistakes and endure typical growing pains as a husband and father, and am just encountering out of proportion reactions and lot of projection.

It breaks my heart that my wife doesn't believe in her own incredibleness. She's an amazing Mom, works her a$$ off, wants to contribute, cares about people, is brilliant, beautiful, and tough. I tell her these things every day and every day she dismisses my sentiments, and might even act disgusted with me for stating them. It hurts to see someone you care about feel so empty, and it's confusing to watch the overcompensating behavior that accompanies it. It looks like entitlement to a degree, and it often presents itself as the mentality of a spoiled child for whom nothing is ever enough. Wanting to be close to someone and running into defense mechanisms is exasperating, and sometimes the awkward silence following conflict can be deafening.

Ozzie101, if I had to pick one thing to work on, one thing that affects me the most (aside from her constantly anticipating ulterior motives and malicious intent that isn't there), it would be criticism. I don't respond well to unwarranted attacks. I have my own clear sense of right and wrong, and it doesn't seem right to have to constantly explain my decisions as a parent, be judged for doing tiny insignificant things in a different way than my partner, or simply be met with anger for breathing. I try to laugh off a lot, but when the nitpicking seems irrational, I can be very concise in telling her she's out of line. It doesn't usually go over well, the moments have started to pass more quickly, but they're still crappy moments.

My mother and father in law were just in town for about a week and I can't count the number of times I corrected my mother in law when she was disparaging my father in law. She would say he was wrong or incompetent, that he just acted like he was good at things (that he was actually really good at), and I just kept countering. Her statements were just plain incorrect and mean, and he's been with her so long he just sits silently and takes it like a champ. . . at least in front of us. It pissed me off to listen to her say mean stuff that was just wrong, and I couldn't for the life of me figure what she hoped to gain by being so horrible to him. Why would anyone treat someone they love like my wife treats me, or her mother treats her father? In what world is it okay to treat the people closest to you as punching bags? Her crap, coupled with my wife having little jabs to throw at me, being mad at me for things like taking an extra couple minutes to get my food ready when everyone else is already eating because I busy taking out trash and throwing laundry in the dryer, just made the whole week incredibly stressful.

The criticism I receive has a consistent undertone of "you're selfish". It sucks, because there might have at one point even been some truth to that, and even though that point has long passed, I'm still constantly on the lookout for instances where my actions might be misconstrued as selfish. It's hard to function like that, my anxiety is higher than it should be. It's to the point where I'm told doing dishes and folding clothes are selfish acts and that I perform chores because I'm a control freak who needs things done my way. She throws military experience in my face, and uses some sound psychological theory to relate my survival instincts to my attention to detail, situational awareness, and proper maintenance of equipment. Ultimately, most of the criticism I receive makes me feel like I'm out of line for doing things I think need done, making decisions that are in my family's best interest, taking care of things so that she won't have to, or taking care of myself. I find that when she's tired she's got a lot more bite, so I work hard to take things off her plate and make sure she's well cared for . . . she thinks she handles stress well, rarely recognizes how her states affect her mood, and definitely shows no awareness of how much punishment she dishes out on me. She never says "I'm sorry" even though I've tried to set the example and own up for every mistake or perceived mistake I make, which tells me that she either honestly doesn't recognize the profound negative impact she has on me, or would be overwhelmed if she let herself acknowledge it.

I like the tip in the book of using “I” statements to deescalate a blow up. It makes sense to recognize that BPs change the facts to match their feelings, which means my logic, statements of fact, or clarification of intent won't work no matter how eloquent and controlled I can manage to be. But what specifically can I do to deflect criticism? What can I do to make sure I don't feel and react as though I’m broken or guilty? What can I do to stop questioning my own good intentions simply because the one person I care about most doesn't believe them? 

Thanks again for your feedback

[Ozzie101]

You say the first thing you'd want to work on is criticism -- how to respond to those unfair attacks. That's a good one and something you'll find many people here struggle with.

Could you pick a recent example of that and describe it in detail: How it began. What she said/did. How you responded. Etc.

That will give us some idea of the dynamic of how these things play out. I was surprised to discover that there were things I was doing (or not doing) that were making my situation worse and, thankfully, members here were able to point those things out. For instance, I was JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain) a lot. That fans the flames. You can't change her. But changes in your own way of handling things can actually make a difference.

You're right -- logic doesn't usually have much place here, which is confounding and frustrating in the extreme. And it's so easy to start doubting and questioning yourself. I know I did. I had to remind myself that my H was, in a way, speaking in a different language. What he was saying and feeling wasn't necessarily true. It's one of those things to work on: holding onto your own boundaries and sense of self, which can take a major beating in relationships like this. The more you share and learn here, hopefully, the more you'll be able to process things and keep from getting sucked into the vortex.