Struggline to live and forget

[Hiscaru]

Hello all of you lovely people on this forum! I've made several posts regarding the story about my ex and I. To sum it up, we dated for a little over two years, which were honestly blissful, however, I was caught blindsided by her cheating on me.

It's been almost three months since we broke up, mutual because I offered to take her back and forgive, and I can't seem to move on. Before this relationship I was very independent, had a few short term relationships here and there but nothing quite as long and as serious as this.

It's been three weeks since we last talked, and I have the urge every single day to text her and ask how she's been, I know I can't. I know what I'm going to say most likely isn't true but in my mind it is. I feel like I honestly won't find anyone that's right for me. For the longest time I was convinced she was the one. She moved on so quickly after our relationship while I'm simply going out and drinking with my friends. For whatever reason something is holding me back, perhaps the lack of closure as to why she did what she did, or perhaps I feel as if their is a chance to forgive and get back together. Even when I fully acknowledge that I shouldn't get back with her as she did me wrong, I almost feel like it's the only thing that would feel right to me.

Perhaps like other people have stated I may have some co-dependency issues, but I really don't know what I am supposed to do. I have gone to therapy, it didn't really help, and I have tried to move on and talk to other women, I freeze up and don't know how to continue a conversation or be myself. All I think about at night when I'm alone is being in her arms.

[Cromwell]

Hi Hiscaru

would you say that there are feelings of loneliness playing a role here?

[clvrnn]

Your timeline seems to be the same as mine; almost three months since the split.

The feelings you're feeling are quite normal, from what I've learnt on these boards.

What makes you think you won't find someone who is right for you?

Another question, did you stop going to therapy? Why did you think it wasn't helpful? Sometimes (and this is my experience) it takes looking around for a while to find a therapist who is suitable. Did you therapist have understanding/experience of personality disorders and abusive relationships?

[Sandb2015]

Hiscaru,

The idea of therapy feels good and not having the right one can be extremely disappointing, a setback to the positive idea about feeling better.

It took me a few rounds of that disappointment which made things worse to some extent to find someone I feel is right there with me, a blessing and inexpensive on top of that, double blessing.

She is a therapist for the VA, we suffer similar trauma, sometimes worse and I feel lucky.

She has been on both sides of the BPD/NPD counseling side of things as well.

When you find the right one for you, it feels like a journey's end, up until then, don't give up on that positive thinking.

Hang in there.

[Hiscaru]

I went to therapy for probably five or so sessions over the course of about two weeks or so. It helped initially but didn't really provide any insight or therapeutic benefits after the fact. I would probably say the hardest thing for me, and what's holding me back the most, is not having an ounce of closure in the matter. She cheated on me and left me for supposedly no reason. Even when asked what I did wrong I received no answer, and in fact, she attempted to put some blame on me saying I was the toxic one. I know my own self worth, but I didn't know that someone who you were ultimately in love with could turn so quickly and so harshly against you. I mean I lived day to day with this person, I treated her like she was my everything. I still do this day, three months later, struggle to find some form of reasoning for her actions, even when in her shoes. In my mind I was everything a women could want. As to why I don't think ill find someone else, that's rather simple. I'm a minimalist type of guy, I don't love going to parties, I like being comfortable in my house or with my friends. Perhaps I should push myself out of my comfort zone and indulge in these types of things, but to be honest, they aren't for me. It was by mere coincidence that she hit me up one night. I had never heard her name, never talked to her, and didn't even know who she was. She added me on snap-chat, somehow, and it took off from there. Before that I was involved in maybe two or three very short terms relationships, all enacted by myself. I guess I just don't think someone could quite understand me like she did. It was something that I cherished, something I looked forward to day to day. Now that it's gone I guess I feel some form of guilt, thinking I could have handled the cheating differently, perhaps more maturely. Some part of me thinks that I can still salvage what's left but the other part of me keeps saying to move on and forget. It's been so long that I don't even know what I would say to her. It hurts knowing that someone can be the most important thing to you one second and nothing but a stranger to you the next. Maybe I'm co dependent and need someone in my life, and If I in fact do, I don't have the slightest idea of where to start.

[Hiscaru]

I wouldn't say that I feel some "loneliness" I guess I would say that a part of me misses her, and everything she was. WAS is the perfect word to describe the scenario. I understand that individuals with traits of BPD often attempt to become closer to you in the form of turning into the person you want them to be. Don't get me wrong, I have been plenty busy since we broke up, I've hung out with friends, starting volunteering for a local animal shelter, and even took a second job while school is out. When i sit alone however, that's when the emotions start to roar. I feel an emptiness inside, like something is missing, it's her. She's all I think about when I'm alone. If I were to describe it, it's almost like an addiction. I see her smile, I imagine her laughing at my stupid jokes, and picture us together. From what I have heard, from friends, she seems to be moving on quite unusually, as if nothing had happened. Mind you we were dating for over two years, a large amount of time. How can she lack such empathy? She would come to me crying, come to me for help. How can she move on like I wasn't there for her for two years? Is it a horrible idea to attempt to reach out to her again? In your experience, is it even worth my time to try and eventually talk to her again?

[Cromwell]

Hi Hiscaru

This feeling empty sounds like a lonely place, but maybe less so if to layer on top of it is these pleasant memories of past times together.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324468.0

If you have time I think it is relevant, whilst this is posted already during my (Sort of) final no contact, what stands out is how the event that I was talking about was what you could call this instant morphing of Bliss into Hell. The cheating, the going back and the loneliness of the feeling empty that really was not "amnesia" although I could not understand back then what I was doing.

To help out, the 99% of what I talk about is the numbing out or what I feel parallels this "feeling emptiness".

The last line, is feeling. Anger in my case. Takes me back how I managed to not only feel that way but repress it for 2.5 years beyond the event that created it, but carry it through, throughout. I think I was too afraid to experience it fully, or not confident in my ability to handle it. If I did, the answer to all the questions I had would have been resolved.

i mean, why would I go back to a person that made me feel I want to stamp in their face, over and over, for eternity.

why would I want to reach out to them for closure?

tapping into feelings instead of numbing them was the way out of this. I would not advise making choices until you find yourself in a less of an emotionally vulnerable/very confused place than what it appears you are in right now.

[Tsultan]

I guess I just don't think someone could quite understand me like she did.


Hiscaru, I had the same thoughts about my uBPDexbf.  I think for me however, it came from a feeling of not accepting myself as I was, so he was the only one who would understand my quirks.

I am learning to accept myself for who I am.  I know there will be someone out there someday who will appreciate me for who I am just the way I am warts and all and you will too.

It will come at the least unexpected moment.  It's been 1 year this month since our break up.  The pain has lessened over time.  What helped me through it was honoring the pain as it came and then it would pass.  I have probably said this before and I do appreciate everyone's patience with me repeating myself but I truly believe it's the answer to most things.  Feel the feelings. 

I grew up in a home where feelings were foreign to me.  I had no clue what they were.  I was too busy trying to please everyone else especially my mom. So, my default it to numb out.  I have to make a conscious effort to acknowledge my feelings every day.

How about you?  What were your experiences with feelings/not feeling when you grew up?  Were you encouraged to speak your mind in your family? 

Tsultan

[Hiscaru]

I guess before this relationship I never really experienced depression or anxiety. Because of this situation, both of these have impacted my day to day life. I now feel very alone and desperate. I have an amazing family and a great group of friends that distract me and make me forget her, but loneliness plays a huge part in why I am depressed and anxious. Speaking of my ex, she actually texted me today alongside her mom. They were concerned about a Chromebook charger that she may have left here. I didn't reply. In my mind the fact that she can text me thinking that I would respond is absurd to me. Perhaps an apology or some form of resolution and I would. Not over something that is easily replaceable. I don't think this was her attempting to initiate contact, I think this was her attempting to get at me.

[Harri]

I don't think this was her attempting to initiate contact, I think this was her attempting to get at me.

Get at you how?  With a request for an item?  I'm not sure about that.   I had a friend with BPD who, after the friendship was over, tried to contact me to get insignificant stuff- cheap flip flops, a lint brush and a CD.  I talked with my therapist about it and she said it was her way of seeing if I was available should she ever need help with a ride or things like that.  It fits with what I know about her as a person.

I guess I feel some form of guilt, thinking I could have handled the cheating differently, perhaps more maturely.

How else could you have handled it?  What do you  mean by 'more maturely'? 

[Hiscaru]

Well when I initially found out I got hot headed and said some things in the heat of the moment that I probably shouldn't have said. Nevertheless, it's safe to say that she may have deserved it. She has hit me up three times in the past two months, all of which were rather petty or dumb reasons to text me. I miss her, but whenever she does text me it's typically a rather toxic message. Word for word, her text to me last night was:

hey. i wanna avoid small talk so do you by any chance have my chrome book charger

like is she serious? As if I'm at fault for our falling out. "I wanna avoid small talk" like she can't text me a tad more respectfully?

[Cromwell]

Hi Hiscaru, I think if im following correctly; The sequence was

the initial finding out happened earlier; here i think from your mom;

What she told me infuriated me, I've never felt this many raw emotions flooding my body. Rage, depression, and sadness consumed me.

This I read was when you initially found out about the cheating? Then afterwards;

I call her as I'm driving towards the house she was at. She picked up, I told her I was coming to get her and that I knew.

I arrived, she got into my car, and I immediately started peppering her with questions. The amount of rage and anger I had at the time I had never really felt before.

Hiscaru, Are these above past events the ones you are referring to in today's post?

Well when I initially found out I got hot headed and said some things in the heat of the moment that I probably shouldn't have said. Nevertheless, it's safe to say that she may have deserved it.

[Hiscaru]

Those are them, basically sums up my whole situation. I have began moving on, but not having the proper closure, a reason as to why she did what she did, it's making it more difficult.

[Cromwell]

I have began moving on, but not having the proper closure, a reason as to why she did what she did, it's making it more difficult.

Have you thought What exactly is it about an answer from her that you believe you need to find this closure?

If you are dependent on another outside judgement or criticism to make sense of your part in this cheating by her. It sounds like a lonely and disempowered place to be.

Hiscaru i think it will help to find some alone time and connect with the inner self. It does not exist to criticise or judge it simply 'knows' and needs no judgments or casting up of past mistakes and other negative thoughts. It can guide you and open up choices that might otherwise have been influenced not by your real self but of going outside the self and reach towards external sources that supply it with critique.

[Hiscaru]

I guess it would be easier for me to completely move on if perhaps she could give me a reason as to why she cheated on me. Sometimes their is no reason, I get that, but I wish I could hear it from her. I wish she could look me in the eyes and tell me why she decided to go behind my back and do something that she knew would hurt me, instead of breaking things off and then doing that.

[Cromwell]

Hi Hiscaru

I hear you, her answer face to face would be better than nothing at all.

Was wondering how you have been doing, how are you feeling today?

I was curious if the emptiness feeling you mentioned  feeling a few days ago when your not keeping busy. Is this still happening? Or has it changed in any way from what it was?

[Hiscaru]

I still feel like something is missing, but like many people have said, with time it gets increasingly easier to forget and move on. She openly knows that I would take her back, she knows that I would forgive her. I have a feeling that as soon as things go south with her friends and or family ill be the first person to here about it, if not another significant other. I wish that I could talk to her as a friend and attempt to be on friendlier terms with her, but it's clear to me that she wants no part of tha. As such, I have given her space and am not reaching out to her.

[Cromwell]

I have a feeling that as soon as things go south with her friends and or family ill be the first person to here about it,

Yea i remember you said earlier your family also brought her on board so to speak. How do you feel about how close she became integrated it sounded like she was very much welcomed in?

[Hiscaru]

Oh she definitely was. It was apparent that she had some form of anti-social and or some other mental problem, my parents loved her thought and tried to treat her as if she was one of their own. She was always invited to our family gatherings on holidays and everybody truly liked her. She was very much a part of the family. She was here everyday, ate dinner with us, spent time with my family and I playing board games and watching movies. She betrayed not only myself, but my family too.

[Cromwell]

Hi Hiscaru

I cant relate on this one, my family did not like or trust her, my friends did not think highly of her. When I finally split up I was taken aback how happy my family were, I realise in hindsight they did not feel that they could talk me out of it so they did their best to tolerate it. My ex did pick up on this and whilst still visiting as often, did not interact as much.

I think I can see the bigger picture here that it is not just yourself feeling betrayed here. The situation where at the moment you would take her back tomorrow if she wanted -  any concerns here as how your family would deal with this - would they try and give her a second chance or do you feel they are still too upset after what she did?

[Hiscaru]

I feel as if they would be confused at first as to why I would want someone like that back in my life. Back when things were still a bit fuzzy with us, they had told me that they would never look at her the same, which is something that we would of had to deal with. However, if she provided some form of reasoning it may be able to persuade both my families and I's judgement. I don't think nor do I want to ever get back with her at this point. The negatives far out weigh the positives.