Spouse who refuses treatment

[Pemi23]

My spouse is not diagnosed with BPD, however, I believe he exhibits traits. He becomes irrationally distrustful, incredibly emotionally dysregulated, cannot be alone for more than a day, and switches quickly between love and hate. I really love him when he is in his “Dr. Jekyl” state. But he REFUSES mental health treatment. He copes by using marijuana and chewing tobacco. I feel hopeless only because he refuses treatment, because I know with treatment (such as DBT) BPD symptoms can be improved. I don’t know what to do.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Pemi! Welcome!

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you've found a safe place to land. We get it here. Relationships with pwBPD (people with Borderline Personality Disorder) are difficult to varying degrees. Each one is unique, yet there are common threads and we can help you sort through your own feelings and find ways to improve your situation. It's not easy. It takes work. But it can be done.

The traits you mention are all-too familiar. We do have tools that can help you cope. It helps to take it a piece at a time. Can you pick one recent incident when he became very dysregulated and describe it? How did it start? What did he say/do? What did you say/do? How did it end?

[Chosen]

Hi Pemi23,

My H exhibit strong BPD traits too, but he doesn't believe he has a problem, and obviously people who are not sick do not need treatment.  What if you can see into the future, and know that your spouse will never be diagnosed and get treatment?  What would you do?  Are you going to sit around and wait for him to get treatment so things could get better?  Because it may not happen.  In my case, I don't see it ever happening.  I don't believe my uBPDh will ever think he has a problem.  I pray for him and pray that he would "come to his senses", so to speak, but there is not a thing I can do to make him realise this.

One reason I love this site is it doesn't have to take 2 to change the relationship dynamics.  Yes, they may never get treatment but we can change, and if one person change the way they react in a relationship, something's bound to change.  While the pwBPD may never be "healed" (that would take committed treatment to do, and we've read about a lot of cases on here showing that even if a pwBPD gets diagnosed goes to treatment, it's not a cure-all for the disorder), the relationship could improve. 

For me, this is what keeps me going.  It's an uphill battle, but I have seen the tools work for many on the site, and it works for me when I remember to use them and use them properly .  Ok so maybe I'm in a bit of denial but I try to see it as self-enrichment so I don't drown in sorrow.  I guess my point is, if you're willing to try using the tools, maybe your relationship can be more manageable.   

[Pemi23]

Thank you, Chosen and Ozzie101, for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it, and I plan to read up on the tools.

In terms of examples, today there was an incident. An argument over chores around the house (which resulted in me being frustrated with his lack of help) led to an explosion in my husband. Yelling, rapid pressured speech-so fast I can’t even follow what he’s saying. The defensiveness is off the charts. It’s obvious he’s very hurt by me but sometimes I don’t know what I did. In this instance I think he was mad that I accused him of not helping (?) When he gets in that state it’s hard for him to calm down. I walked away, as I usually do, and shut the door and locked it. He yelled through the door. There is no point of discussing it then because it’s all irrational. I tell him “5 minute break”. He has been good lately with walking away when I say that. But sometimes he comes back and is still heated. He only sees in black and white. He yells things like “you’re ________ing with me”, “you’re ruining my life”, and I ask “how?” “What did I do” and he can’t answer. He is in so much pain it’s hard to even witness it. It’s like a switch is turned on and his anger, sadness, anxiety, and defensiveness is surging through his whole being, and he has absolutely no control of it. I know he has no control because he himself attempts to decrease it, by doing things like smoking cigarettes or chugging beers.

Today was a little different as something that happened gave me a little hope. After his outburst he broke down and cried. He never does that. He gets depressed (and usually sleeps all day) but never cries like that. He sobbed into a pillow. Maybe he’s being more accepting instead of denying. I don’t know. Or maybe he’s not. I wonder if things will ever change. I feel my own wellbeing suffering alongside him.