Does it ever get better?

[cwtmom]

Hi- First time posting.  My 17 year old DS has been struggling for the past two years and it is exhausting.  He just finished a month in an inpatient facility after spending three months in a county facility (for teens with mental health issues that are part of the legal system).  He had only been home for two weeks when we found a pretty specific suicide note and was breaking his probation rules by going on social media.  He ended up in the ER for six days before they found him a bed. My husband and I have followed through on the tough things- turning him into the police or to his probation officer whenever he breaks the rules.  He still continues to make the same mistakes over and over.  His anger is exhausting as well as his pain.  We also have an 8 year old DS that we try and protect from all of the outbursts.  It is so hard as we also know he is suffering- lots of time curled up on the floor crying.  He tells me often that he doesn't see himself growing old and talks about suicide a lot. He is currently in day treatment, but I know that won't last for much longer.  I know we are one of the lucky families that has a big support network but even with that every day we wonder how much longer it will be before he ends up getting in trouble again.  It is so heartbreaking to watch- thanks for letting me vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello cwtmom,

Did you ever think parenting could hurt this much? I'm so sorry your DS is in the pain he's in, and that you bearing witness to it, feeling so helpless.

Did DS17 appear to benefit during his stay at the inpatient facility?

How are you holding up?

[cwtmom]

No I never thought parenting would be this painful!  My husband and I each try to get out of the house at least one night a week (on different nights) for our self care.  DS says that this latest inpatient stay (he also had one for two weeks in 2017) made things much worse and he feels more depressed and suicidal than he ever has.  He blames me for taking him to the ER.  The police had been called because he was also (as a joke) holding his brother over our second floor balcony and so after they saw the note said he needed a well check. 

[FaithHopeLove]

Welcome to the group TWB
I am both glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. It must have been terrifying to see your son holding his brother off the balcony like that. We get it. Lots of us are going through similar scenarios. You asked if things can get better. YES! Things CAN get better. You can't change your son but you can learn the skills you need to better your relationship with your son and that will help him. So where would you like to start? What is your biggest concern at this moment?

[mart555]

Yes inpatient seems to make things worse.  That's what my ex wife said, and what I saw as well:  www.psychiatry.queensu.ca/assets/On_Call/Crisis_Management_and_Aspects_of_BPD.pptx 
see slide 28

It's as if it's too much of a shock when they get released. 

[cwtmom]

Thank you for the slides.  That is very helpful.  It is so hard when you are in the ER and the counselors/psychiatrists are all telling you that he needs to be admitted into a program and yet you see your child getting worse every day.  I guess I just feel overwhelmed every day- between working full time and coordinating care and trying to hold it all together without bursting into tears all of the time.  My employer has been extremely understanding, but dealing with this has been really hard on my office.  People often have to cover for me while I attend court hearings, family therapy or driving him to his numerous appointments.  And then after all of that I don't really see my DS improving at all.  He still has scary outbursts with so much yelling to then lying on the floor in a ball crying.  It happens nearly every day and as much as I try to avoid walking on eggshells I also just so badly want peace in the house- especially for our 8 year old.

[stampingt1]

Welcome cwtmom,

My DS18 w/ BPD has his good & bad days..."riding the roller coaster". He hasn't been hospitalized, due to lack of mental health funding in our state. Currently he is doing better on an increased dosage of Lexapro, which seems to be helping w/ his anxiety & decreasing his meltdowns. ("Meltdowns" consist of extreme anger, yelling profanity, calling himself "retarded", hitting himself in the head, being totally out of control & sometimes ending w/ crying. He knows that he can't drive in that condition & if he wrecks his car, we won't be getting him another one.) I hope DS can complete his school work & either graduate this summer or fall, but isn't able to graduate w/ his class next weekend.

I'm glad that you & hubby get out of the house for dinner one night a week. We do that, too. There are some good books on BPD that help & seeing a therapist for yourself does, too.

 

Stampingt1