Question.. uBPD bf projecting about cocaine use?

[SarahN11]

My boyfriend does not have a formal diagnosis of BPD but I am finding a lot of similarities consistent with his behavior. I’m not sure if he has BPD or is just controlling & manipulative. I want to help him in any way I can because I believe he is a great person and always feels bad and apologizes after he reacts for not real reason. My main concern is he used to do cocaine socially during his college years, 5 or so years ago but now is convinced I do it to the point where I go to the restroom and he’s looking at my eyes when I come out. I’ve never done this drug in my life and cannot seem to convince him of this. Has anyone ever experienced this? He says it’s something he is ashamed about and is projecting it on me but I’m wondering if that’s true or not. Thank you in advance for any help. It’s much appreciated

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

He might be projecting it is hard to say for sure.  pwBPD (people with BPD) do tend to have a lot of shame and given that BPD is a disorder or emotional regulation, they will often project uncomfortable and difficult feelings on others.   Given that, this makes sense to me:  "He says it’s something he is ashamed about and is projecting it on me but I’m wondering if that’s true or not."

Rather than trying to convince him you are not doing this can you maybe address the underlying anxiety and shame and say something like "You have told me before you are ashamed about doing coke in the past.  It is really hard when I feel like that" or something along those lines?

Thoughts?