30 years on the rollercoaster

[COLB]

I am sitting here at work on my lunch hour completely exhausted.  Emotionally and physically.  We have 6 children three of which are out of the house.  Two of the three will have nothing to do with their mother.  The oldest even went so far as to tell her not to come to his wedding because he did not want a scene.  My oldest daughter who is twenty walked out on her 18th birthday and has not looked back.

My wife's latest explosion left my 17 year old son and I living in a hotel for 4 days.  It was the spring football game.  She took the younger two children back to the house at halftime (they are 13 and 9) because they were tired. While she was gone I went to congratulate the parents of one of my sons friends on his acceptance to the Air Force Academy.   I had moved 10 feet away from seat.  I kept looking for her return and did not see her come back.  The second half finished and I still did not see her.  I walked back toward where we were seated and saw her sitting away from everyone with her arms crossed.  I asked her when she had gotten back but she would not respond.  I told here I had moved and apologized for not telling her.  She gave me the cold shoulder all the rest of the evening and when we returned home.  When I woke the next morning she was gone from the house.  I got up and fed the children and started weekend chores.  I called her phone and got no answer.  At 1030 she returned and picked up our 9 year old daughter.  I had just finished cutting the back yard and came in to see them heading for her van.
 I greeted her and asked where she and our daughter were going.  She replied out.  I asked if she was interested in taking her to the new Picachu movie that afternoon.  She snapped that the time did not work out with taking the children to confession.  I explained that I thought it did and would like to try to make it.  She rolled the window up and drove away.  I went on completing chores.  My 13 year old son and I built a swing in the backyard.  As we were finishing my daughter came out.  I asked where her mother was and she replied that she had gone back out.
 I took everyone inside and got cleaned up.  Before we left for confession I called my wife to ask about the movie again.  She did not pick up.  I told her we were going to confession and would call her when we were done.  After we finished I called her and told her what theater we were going to and asked if she would meet us there.  I left a message since she did not pick up.  After the movie I called again and got no response.  I took the children home and made dinner.  My wife returned at dinner but did not eat, just sitting at the table.  She then said she was tired and was going to our bedroom.  I got the 9 year old ready for bed and then asked her to join us for family prayers.   After prayers she went back to the bedroom.   I started doing my laundry to get ready for the coming work week.  I was on my laptop watching a show waiting for a load to finish when she came up and asked to talk.  She was visibly agitated.  I closed my laptop and said I was ready to give her my full attention.  She then asked me when I was going to apologize for not just the football not letting her know I had moved at the football game but also for the previous week when I had offended her with a comment at the end of our 17 year olds sons soccer game.  (she had taken on an offensive tone with me throughout the game and I was rude in how I explained the end of the game to her.  I definitely triggered her).  I told her that I had apologized for the football game.  Before I could say anything about the soccer game, she then proceeded to tell me what I was a lousy husband and father in very graphic terms.  She got in my face and tried to get a response.  This has become the norm in her rollercoaster.  I refused to engage her and asked that she give me space because i did not want to fight with her.  She stormed out of the room only to come back every five minutes with another attack.  She would fly into the room, and attack some aspect of me.  I was a lousy son, a bad parent,  I had mental health issues and needed to get help, I was a liar, I was Satan, I was just like my loser father.  After the sixth attack I snapped that I was not going to take her dumping and walked out of the house in to the back yard.  She then locked me out of the house.  I came back in to the house by the garage to get some things and get away to de-escalate.  She stormed in and began to attack me verbally and bumped into me repeatedly as she yelled at me.  After bumping me three times she said "what are you going to do Mr tough guy?"  I walked away and tried to finish putting a bag together. She then went into our room and took our wedding album and began cutting up pictures that had my step mother and sister in them.  Then she got our marriage certificate and stuffed them in my bag yelling at me that I needed to go preform oral sex on my parents (she was much more graphic and vulgar).  She went back onto our room for a few minutes then came out with a ticket my son had gotten that evening for his headlight being out. She starts screaming at me how I hid everything and was having sex with prostitutes and she will prove it eventually.  I told her that our son had just told me that afternoon and that I had given him instructions to put the ticket in our room.  I also told her that I had not seen her most of the day and she was uncommunicative when I had talked to her.  Her screaming and my response woke the children.  I walked back to our bedroom to get some things that she had taken of mine that I needed (my wallet and cell phone).  I took some things out of her night table drawer to get them. She stormed in and began pulling my night table drawers out and throwing them across the bedroom. Our 9 year old began crying and my 17 year old went in to calm his sister.  My wife began screaming at him, and he yelled back at her telling her to back off.  She then screamed he was just like his oldest brother and if he did not get out of the room she would get a knife out of the kitchen.  I got between them and told her to back off him.  She then began yelling at me saying I needed to move to our home state to live with that nest of vipers. 
 When my son came back onto the hallway she started attacking him verbally as well.  Calling him a liar and a loser.  She started to get in his face and bump him as well.  He yelled at her to leave him alone.  She walked away berating him as she walked down the hall.  He punched the wall putting a hole in it.  I grabbed him and took him to the front porch.  I then instructed him to put a bag together we were leaving.  My wife then followed me around as I loaded my things she had thrown in the floor into a garbage bag and continued to berate me.  I loaded my car without talking to her and my son and I drove off. 

I am at the end of my rope.  Her attacks have gone on for years and I am finding myself unable to not engage her vitriol.  I am also concerned for my son.  One reason is because he looks and acts like me which has made him a target for her anger and vitriol. I also see the damage it has done to the other older children and I feel that nothing is going to change.  We have been to numerous counselors.  She has walked away from a three in the last five years as they have challenged her.  I asked to change one because we just kept repeating the same thing over and over and there seemed to be no plan.   This all has really escalated over the last four years.  She had an epic meltdown at Christmas 4 years ago.  I could not take her attacks any more and when she screamed at our kids that I was going to leave them so I could go screw a younger woman I told her to get out.  After she left I sent all six kids to stay with her parents over Christmas in our home state.  She went to her parents house once she learned the kids were there and demanded that they leave with her.  My in laws refused because they thought she was not stable and was unsafe.  She exploded on her parents and they were so scared they called the police.  She has been estranged from her family every since.  My family as well.  My wife spent that Christmas under psychiatric evaluation as part of the arrest and she blames her family, my family and our children for her getting arrested.    Any interaction by me with either her or my family causes her to explode.  We have been isolated from them for several years now.  They have tried to reconcile and she attacks them every time.  She now claims that our families have never tried to reconcile.  Our families cant even call the children without her getting on the phone and berating them.
 They are all afraid to contact us for fear of setting her off  She uses this to justify her actions saying they abandoned us.  One of her favorites attacks is to say my family doesn't love me since they never come and visit... 

As I stated earlier I am exhausted and feel that nothing is going to change.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Colb, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you have been through.  Your story is quite familiar, friend, so you are not alone.  Presumably you're here because you suspect that your W suffers from BPD.  If so, how did you figure it out?

The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  It's time to return the focus to you and your needs.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  What is the best path for you at this point?

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[COLB]

Jim,
I have suspected something for some time.  Our latest counselor suggested I read Walking on Eggshells.  Then a good friend suggested the same.  The book was like looking in the mirror.  I know she was not bipolar but also new that this has not been normal for decades.  My reactions had always been co-dependent (if only I did one more thing).  I have come to realize that it doesn't matter what I do...I am far from perfect, but I do not deserve the repeated destructive garbage I have put up with.  I am truly conflicted with leaving.  I desperately want some peace in my life.  I also fear for my 17 year old son who is my spitting image and has become the brunt of her actions when I am at work...

Its good to know I am not alone!

B

[Red5]

Hello and welcome COLB!

You've found a great website to come to and learn, to tell your story, and to interact with others whom are in the exact same boat as you are.

As I read your story, it strikes me at how we all seem to be experiencing the same things in our marriages, relationships… almost as if our partners are following the same 'script'… even the actions, behaviors, and language is the same.

My own wife has done to me also many of these exact same things... cut up and destroy wedding photos... locked me out of the house... estranged the families... yeah, wow!

Its good that you are reading, and that you are learning about what you suspect is borderline personality disorder… for many of us… "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was also the very first book we picked up looking for answers… it is actually on YouTube now as an audiobook, a full eight hours, and as well listed here on this website in the bookmarks…

There are several other books I'd like to recommend, that may help you in your quest for further knowledge,

*“Codependent No More”... by Melody Beattie (on YouTube as an audiobook, and also here in the BPDfam library)

*"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder": How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship 1st Edition… by Shari Y. Manning   (Author),    Marsha M. Linehan (Foreword)… also here (discussed) in BPDfam "library"…

*"Understanding the Borderline Mother": Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, By: Christine Ann Lawson.

Also some helpful links within this website:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=28.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=20.0

So again welcome… my best advice is to keep learning, there are many tools here that offer guidance on how to interact with our borderline partners, to "stop making things worse"… " and dial down conflict"… look around the website, it is loaded with great articles, and helpful advice, and learning tools…

Please know that you are not alone, & keep posting COLB!

No Sir, ’you are certainly NOT alone in this’, we have all very similar stories to tell... down to the very acts themselves.

Kind Regards, Red5

[Lucky Jim]

I am far from perfect, but I do not deserve the repeated destructive garbage I have put up with.

Hello again, B,

No, you don't deserve it!  I'm happy to hear you say it, because it means you are ready to make changes.

Glad to hear you have had a chance to read Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE), which is an eye-opener.  Like you, I first learned about BPD when my T suggested that I borrow her copy of the book.  At first I thought, Nah, it can't be BPD.  As I started to read more of SWOE, I thought, maybe so.  By the time I finished the book, I thought, definitely fits.  It was a relief to discover that there was a name for the disorder that had previously been a mystery in my marriage.

I'm going to reiterate what I said in my previous message:

The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  It's time to return the focus to you and your needs.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  What is the best path for you at this point?

I know these are tough questions.  Fill us in, when you can.

LJ

[COLB]

Red 5 thanks for the thoughtful post.  I have been reading a lot (beyond my voracious reading habit).  "Calming the Emotional Storm" and "Codependancy for Dummies" have also both helped flesh out what "Stop Walking on Eggshells" opened my eyes to. 

I had lunch with my 20 year old daughter who has had some of the roughest experiences with her mom.  She is a very resilient person and is encouraging me to take more time/better care of myself.  Having your children tell you that is humbling.  I just retired after 28 years in the Army and she thinks me being super Dad/Husband and Super Soldier was killing me.   Looking back I have buried myself to keep things calm.  The strain of that is a major part of my exhaustion. 

I have read through the boards on finding ways to dial down the conflict.  After 30 years my uBPDw knows my triggers all to well and hammers them with a clinical precision.  Having done Retrovaille ( a really great program that she walked away from when it caused her to have to look inward).  We did this to save our marriage and from the experience she knows my deepest fears and joys. I opened up to her on my deployment experiences that I kept deep down.  She uses them now as lethal weapons.  It upped the damage from her outbursts.

I also understand the fear involved in leaving.  I have had 30 years of threats of my destruction and have seen her "cut off her nose to spite her face" with family and friends.  Even going to the point of verbally assaulting the kindest priest I have ever known when he held her accountable for her actions. 

For years I have tried to maximize the peaceful times.  I believe that has been enabling in some way.  One of the the enabling codependancy traits I have developed to keep the peace is to swallow my anger/upset.  That has led to the violation of many boundaries...

I am working to keep bettering myself.  Spending dedicated time with each of my children, fly fishing, quiet time before everyone gets up to just think about how quiet the morning can be. 

[Red5]

COLB,

I wanted to show you this.

This book:
Understanding the Borderline Mother": Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, By: Christine Ann Lawson,

... is an audio book on youtube now, it was extremely insightful to me, just as was "Stop walking On Eggshells".

Here is that link -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-Ai6ujUDX0&list=PL94j5ECCzW1frzUVZtYclBrzjOv7OpujU&index=1&spfreload=10

The mods have imbedded it into a thread in the 'Book Review Board', link to that here -> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0;all

You can listen on your iPhone, or a work computer…

After reading your first post, I think you may benefit from this book (audio) also.

I saw that you wrote… that you spent 28 years in the Army, I am a retired Marine myself, 26 years… it has always perplexed me, after going through all that… being a "leader"… a "problem solver"… " a "judge of character/personalities" in the military, why didn't ANY of these "people skills" help me in this marriage.

hmmm,

Anyways, read that (listen to that book)… I was able to 'glean' a whole lot of useful intel out of it.

Kind Regards, Red5

[COLB]

Red 5,
Thank you very much.  I will definitely listen to it on the drive to and from work.  Your question is one that I have spent a great deal of time in introspection on.
"I saw that you wrote … that you spent 28 years in the Army, I am a retired Marine myself, 26 years … it has always perplexed me, after going through all that … being a "leader" … a "problem solver" … " a "judge of character/personalities" in the military, why didn't ANY of these "people skills" help me in this marriage.

hmmm,"

I think that the reason is twofold.  One we are survivors if you last that long in any branch of the service.  You do not give up.  Its the second sentence of the POW creed, "I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist."  We are baked that way.  Part two is the problem solver part.  We are problem solvers and believe that we can solve anything given enough time and resources.   The problem is that we can't solve this.  It is wholly outside of our abilities.  We can help, but ultimately it is up to our BPD SO to fix themselves.  That is why I think we tend to end up as codependent relationships.  We think "if I only do one more thing different/better".  That is the trap that I fell into for years.  It would create a short respite, but never last.  And the consistent verbal beatings have left me emotionally empty and alone.  I am now focused on helping my children and myself.  That is the peace I am working on now.

B

[2020]

Hello COLB,

I was just reading through your post and was wincing at the detail, the prostitute claims, the sex with your own parents, the smashing up and destruction, involving your children in the drama too! I have experienced this almost exactly myself. They do seem to be following a script... or they have been engineered in the same robot factory.

But what I was thinking about was this... I read here a bit and there seems to be a lot of people in these relationships with military or service backgrounds. Do you think they pick these types to love-bomb? Or am I just making connections without enough data? I don't have a military background myself but I certainly have some similar traits which aren't that far removed.

Things can get really wild in these relationships. I have been enjoying some calm of late after my pwBPD went in and out of the mental health merry go round (or sad go round) and now is medicated. So much easier to get along with! The past two days she appears to be sliding. It isn't easy. This site has been extremely valuable to me. It has been such a relief just knowing what the problem might be. Keep reading all you can. I think the key to managing this is managing ourselves.

Good luck!

[COLB]

2020,
I think that those of us that have served have certain traits that make us vulnerable to these relationships.  I can see how that plays into how we end up like this.  We find someone that is amazing during the good times and then are wired to "embrace the suck" and get through the bad times. 

I hope that your pwBPD does not continue to slide.  I really struggle with watching the slide. It is like watching someone slowly lose their belay rope mountain climbing. 

We did the mental health failure 4 years ago at Christmas.  My BPDw went off the rails at Christmas and I sent our children to her parents house becasue I thought it was safe.  She absolutely lost total emotional control and her parents called the police.  I spent Christmas and New Years trying to get through the eval and release process and get her back to our home 300 miles away.  I have become forever evil for that entire episode.  This also led to the total estrangement from her family (Parents and siblings) which has been particularly hard on the children.
 

We have had several counselors recommend medication to even out her moods but she has always refused saying there is nothing wrong with her.  I am curious on how that worked for you.
 Most of all I am glad it has brought some peace to your family. 

B

[2020]

Hello COLB,

Sorry about the delayed reply. I find it difficult to get time away from my partner right now to spend time writing. I really get what you are experiencing here. It is extremely difficult. I have had all sorts of mental health emergencies in recent months; my partner laying down on highways, mental health wards etc. At the moment she is medicated on an antidepressant and has been on valium for months. Her doctor has cut the dose down on the valium and that took some adjusting to. She has gone though the usual, "I don't need this medication" routine recently but I insist on driving her to the doctor. She has no counselling right now so we are running on the pills which isn't that great. I got her to go and see my therapist a month ago who she likes. I am trying to encourage her to go back again. We are sleeping in the same room, the same bed, but she is pretty much rejecting me touching her. You say you have been on the rollercoaster for 30+years? That is tough! I was involved with another partner before this current one. That began in '88 and ended in 2002. I suspect she may have been BPD too. I hope you get some calm seas ahead of you. I am unsure if medication is a great long term solution, but it is helping so far. Things are easier to manage. I find when alcohol is thrown into the mix, it becomes really messy! Good luck!

[COLB]

2020,
Thanks for taking the time to reply.  I understand about having time to reply.  My BPDw is on an upswing and I am back in our bed to keep the peace but I know the days are numbered.  If I do anything to reject her in her eyes it sends her in a downward spiral and I can see it coming again. It can be anything from not going on a walk with her to wanting to watch something different on TV (two of the latest causes).  It is like watching a volcano in slow motion. 

Right now we are both seeing the same therapist, although I am the only one that is consistently going.  He has recommended she see a Dr. and get medicated to help regulate her moods...he said as a minimum he feels she has an inability to self regulate (he told me she has many signs of BPD but would not say it to me, a previous therapist did).  That request to her went no where and he is not the first to tell her that.  When she gets challenged in an way by a therapist she walks.  Example: When he told me I did not have to go to counseling every week only every two weeks or as needed and she should see him one to two times a week she absolutely lost it on me because I was not as serious about our relationship as she is...Four years ago at Christmas when she was placed under Psychiatric observation she was initially diagnosed as Bipolar.  That was changed to severely depressed.  The medication she was given then made her feel out of touch and drugged she said.  I was curious to see what your experience was.   

Like I have said previously I am emotionally empty and as close to leaving as I have ever been...I just don't see it ever getting better for me or our family.

B
 

[2020]

Hello COLB,

Between you and I, I think my days are numbered too. The past week or so has been like watching a sunken shipwreck slipping off a shelf into some really dark black abbyss. Today she has walked off fuming because I wanted to take my son to the bank. No doubt she'll return tonight, possibly drunk and I'll get the cold shoulder treatment for anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of months. I am not sure I really care about whatever happens anymore. I have tried to remind myself that she is unwell or has a serious mental condition, but the empathy is running out. I am beginning to think my life would be so much easier without her crap in it. I already have an 18 year old Autistic son to look after.

Having said all of this, it can get better, but I don't like the chances of it getting better for any sustained period of time. Yes, I hear you about the medication problem. This is a cycle with my partner too. She makes progress then says she hates being drugged out and stops the pills. This usually has a huge detrimental effect often resulting in a hospital visit.

The smallest thing can set them off, can't it? I am just going to try and forget the misery for an hour or so and enjoy the fact I am not in the same room with a person who scowls at me all day. I am 53. How time flies (whether you are having fun or not). Time to sweep up the egg shells. Sorry I can't be more positive. I am having one of THOSE days!

[COLB]

2020,
I understand.  I am 53 also and time does fly and not in a good way...and even though she is on an up mood now I see it heading south and I just cant seem to bring myself to buy into the cycle again.  She started to boil over (I am still trying to figure what is the trigger this time) and went to the movies (her new attempt to not blow up is to go to the movies in order to distance herself to calm down or go out with friends).  I appreciate her not blowing up on the children and I  but I see the volcano building...and for me there is a lot of built up scar tissue so I am on eggshells waiting... my 17 year old is finding anything at all to stay away from the house.