Push/Pull and meeting up with ex for first time in 5 months

[Dyson]

I would welcome some help. This is the first time I have posted on this board (I hope I have posted in the right place).

My ex (long distance - lives 100 miles away) partner told me very unexpectedly 10 months ago that she was conflicted about our relationship and wanted to end it. Within a fortnight she had pulled me back into the relationship - which I was a willing participant in.

The story prior to the break-up is that we had been together 5 and half years. We had had three years of idealisation and very strong bonding. We lived at a distance as we each have children and couldn't move them, despite on a couple of occasions being very close to moving in together. In this period there was intense communication, via multiple daily phone calls, texts and face to face. There were also some periodic rages - which I responded to via JADE - and my partner broke up with me after about 18 months before reconnecting a week or so later. At the end of the first 3 years, she broke up with me again and got back together with me in a few days.

This latest time (our break-up 10 months ago) felt different as my partner had been under serious long term work stress and general insecurities related to providing a home for her kids etc. Although she pulled me back in to the relationship the incessant texting slowed to a trickle, she started either being verbally abusive to me or ignoring me, and had a totally cold way of being with me.

We then broke up again about 3 months after the initial break. In the initial weeks following this we had text exchanges every week or so but these were more of a power struggle. Six weeks after the break up my ex asked if I wanted to meet for a coffee. We did. She told me all about her plans for work and home for the future - and when I asked whether I had any part in these plans she closed down and said she couldn't cope with that. At that point I lost my temper, swore and walked off.

For almost 3 months after that we had very poor text communication once or so a week. These included two volcanic rages from my ex of 80+ texts each time of vitriol, accusing me of being responsible for all of her problems and demanding that I validate her views.

After we'd broken up the second time I embarked on a programme of counselling and began to work through issues in relation to my childhood and the ways in which my relationship with my ex had remarkable similarities to that with my dad - particularly in relation to their shift from being seemingly emotionally available and 'loving' to being unavailable and my own ways of coping and responding to that.

Through this process I took the view that I need to protect myself more and decided that I would send my ex a message, telling her that I was saying goodbye to her, thanking her for the many good times in our relationship, apologising for any bad times I'd contributed to, recognising that both she and I needed something different for the future, and wishing her the best for the future.

My view was that I wouldn't initiate contact with her but that I would respond, without ratcheting things up, if she contacted me. Since that point over 3 months ago she has contacted me around once a week and the messages have slowly become more positive - usually talking about low level shared interests in sports etc. I was surprised a week and a half ago when my ex said that she realised that it had taken a long time but that if I was agreeable she was ready to meet to discuss what I've been up to. I agreed to meet (in the coming days). The issue is that since communicating a week ago on when/where we are going to meet she has gone quiet again. It feels like push/pull. This has made me feel quite anxious as it feels that rather than potentially being the basis for beginning a more constructive conversation between us it might actually be that this has been more about her wrestling some power back from me and gaining control again through push/pull.

I am genuinely baffled about how to deal with this. Whether I should just go along, meet her and see where it goes - but with my limits set out clearly to myself? I would welcome some support from anybody who has been through similar experiences. Particularly trying to respond to this kind of approach when I'm anxious and exhausted from months of trying to initially 'fix' things and then trying to disconnect and move on, before being pulled back in/going back in voluntarily. 

Thanks in advance for any insights.

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[once removed]

hi Dyson, and

The issue is that since communicating a week ago on when/where we are going to meet she has gone quiet again. It feels like push/pull. This has made me feel quite anxious as it feels that rather than potentially being the basis for beginning a more constructive conversation between us it might actually be that this has been more about her wrestling some power back from me and gaining control again through push/pull.

there could be a number of explanations...and more than likely, she doesnt know, herself. it could be that shes anxious. it sounds like things didnt go well the last time the two of you met up. it could be that her job is taking up a great deal of time. more than likely, this is not a mind game, but its hard to say what makes her hesitant.

i think the number one thing here is not to chase, or push for a meeting. dont over pursue it. i would be open and available, upbeat and cool, but i suspect when/if she wants a meeting to happen, it will happen.

my limits set out clearly to myself?

what would those look like?

[Dyson]

Thanks Once Removed -that's very helpful.

We've met up and we had a decent conversation. It turns out we're both having counselling. I think us being able to communicate to each other for a couple of hours was generally positive.

She's told me she recently had had a serious spell of depression for a couple of months -which matches the time when the raging texts were sent to me. But that she's coming out the other side of it. She's successfully applied to retrain in her career from the Autumn.

I didn't know how a meeting was going to go. It was difficult to try and think it through in detail in advance so I decided to set some principles. The first of these was that I be respected by her and that I respect myself in meeting her. Tangibly, this meant setting a limit that I wasn't going to accept being raged at. Fortunately this didn't happen.

I also set as principles that I'd want to know from her why she wanted to meet. She said she wanted to know what I'd been up to. I asked why? She said that we'd invested a lot in being with each other. And also, I gently tried to get clarity about whether we were 'just' meeting or whether this was likely to be a process. She didn't know what I meant. So, I asked rom her perspective would she like to meet again? She said she would, probably in a month or so's time - to see how I am. We parted on good terms. The meeting was more positive than negative. I guess my anxiety comes from not having a clue what this represents. Is she just interested in catching up with me? Or something more? Or should I relax a little and go with it? Or should I be careful of getting drawn back in to dynamics that are similar to those between us of 4-5 months ago that were not good for my wellbeing?

[Dyson]

I think, in short, I don't know whether to stay in a very slow process with my ex where she says we might meet once a month to talk, but where there's little sign of anything beyond that, and which is taking quite a toll on my wellbeing or do I tell her I can't do that, go NC, and try and build a different life for myself?

[once removed]

Is she just interested in catching up with me? Or something more?
...
Or should I relax a little and go with it?

i suspect she doesnt know. and the last thing i would do in this case is push her for clarity.

im generalizing here, but often times, the woman in a relationship prefers to take the lead on the status of a relationship; she will usually let you know in pretty clear terms that she wants to be exclusive, just friends, that sort of thing.

ive been in that situation, not knowing where things were headed, and when i tended to push for clarity, it only confused the gal, forced her hand, and it tended to crash and burn.

she hasnt made anything clear in the sense that she hasnt shut down the idea of "more", thats good for you. but its very likely she hasnt thought that far ahead...i would take her at face value, that right now, what she wants to do is "know what youve been up to"...and "maybe meet in a month or sos time". the strongest thing you can do is roll with the punches. take it at her pace. be cool, confident, upbeat.

and use that time to both get back to the confident, upbeat guy she was attracted to in the first place, as well as to learn the tools and skills here.

what are your thoughts?

[Dyson]

"what are your thoughts?"

Thanks for responding - it helps to know that somebody who has experienced this kind of thing is available and willing to offer insight.

I pretty much agree with your analysis and what I should do in response. Intellectually, I know that is right. Since I backed off completely 3 months or so ago she has very slowly started to reconnect with me. So, I know I need to let her drive the direction and pace of things. The difficulty I have is in the aftermath of our recent meeting I have been very anxious. She text me again at the end of the day we met and was very nice. But, has been totally silent since. I understand this is the pattern but I feel anxious about it. I think this is probably bound up with my own wounds around childhood rejection (nobody left me physically as a child but my dad was consumed by stress for years, developed an alcohol problem and was not available for me). I feel a very strong desire to intervene in some way rather than sit and go with her flow. To deal with this I've written a letter to myself. I've been reading up on rejection as core wound. I also think I  probably need to go and have a few sessions with my counsellor on this issue specifically. If anybody has other insights on how to deal with this kind of anxiety I'd be grateful to receive them. Thanks.

[once removed]

The difficulty I have is in the aftermath of our recent meeting I have been very anxious.

i deal with anxiety too...especially in relationships  

so realizing this, and naming it is a good start.

anxiety tends to tell us that we must act, must do something. quite often though, its not in our self interest, and can even be self sabotaging.

when thats going on for me, i try to operate in Wisemind: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

i try to recognize that im anxious, that im feeling anxious urges, and not act on them, but work through them. so the first rule is do no harm, dont self sabotage, and that can go a very long way on its own.

i recognize however, that that doesnt soothe the anxiety, which can drive you crazy. thats a taller order.

one thing that helps me in the moment and has helped me long term, is to recognize im seeing things through my eyes, and im projecting a situation that otherwise might look very different. so i try to see it through the other persons eyes, get a more detached perspective.

i know in my anxiety, ive lived in the moment, waiting for the next call, the next text, the next message, the next flirtation...anything, to soothe my anxiety. if that isnt happening, anxiety tells me it must mean something is wrong, that im being rejected, that the other person is just as aware of all this as i am, and choosing to do nothing. in reality, they simply are not as preoccupied about this as i am. doesnt mean they dont like me, arent interested...it could mean a lot of things that have nothing to do with me.

practicing that can have a longer term effect, but those sorts of thoughts are a difficulty or inability to cope with anxiety, and they are, in a way, self sustaining. what people with anxiety often do is try to fight and eliminate anxiety they cant tolerate, so for example, calling her and telling her off, calling her and pressing for answers, blocking her, any of those feel in the moment that they would be preferable to anxiety. you cant yell at anxiety to go away, thats a losing battle. learn to tolerate it, and it loses its power.

the simplest thing to do is build up/fill up your life, get out of your head, and get her out of your day to day life. invest in the lives of others, get involved in something bigger than yourself, make plans with friends and family, dive into your hobbies, and also find healthy distractions. this too takes some practice, its hard to concentrate at first, but over time, it takes you out of living moment to moment, and time just takes its natural course.

im not telling you to completely forget about her. in fact i would use your anxiety constructively, and really dive into the lessons and tools here...build your skills. but i am saying its important to maintain a sense of normalcy.

there are tools and medications for anxiety. youll need to find what works for you. i started using breathing exercises that trigger the bodys relaxation state about half a year ago, and they had a profound effect. writing letters to yourself is another very good one. pinpointing the origin and learning more about it is great (i would encourage you to explore in greater length on the Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board). likewise, for long term and short term strategies, working with a counselor or therapist can help you find personalized strategies, as well as work through its origins.

does this help?

[Dyson]

does this help?
[/quote]

Thank you. Yes, that's incredibly helpful. Probably the single most useful bundle of advice since this started in the summer.

I have only recently accepted that I have quite significant anxiety in relation to romantic relationships. I think I have been in deep denial about it and have been ashamed. The point you made about the dangers of this being self-sabotaging was helpful to see explicitly made by somebody else. Often, those self-sabotaging behaviours have been my default response when I've felt threatened or I feel like my ex-partner is pulling away - even if that is not the reality.

I think the point you making about being aware of my anxiety, feeling it and having a bundle of responses is a good one. Simple things like trying to see this through the other person's eyes is really important in re-framing my perspective on this. You're right, when I don't hear from her for a long time I think she doesn't care. It doesn't take too much to move from that to resentful and destructive responses. But, also living my life and building up a range of activities and friendships is important to diluting the power of my anxiety.

"you cant yell at anxiety to go away, thats a losing battle. learn to tolerate it, and it loses its power". That, historically was my response. I've started to piece some alternatives to this - writing letters, yoga/meditation, building a friend network for talking this through, learning to sit with my own feelings. But, I think you have made explicit a whole bundle of issues that I am grappling with. So, thank you. 

[once removed]

any update? how ya holding up?

[Dyson]

Great timing with your message Once Removed. I was just about to post on here as we have now had total radio silence for over a week. It feels like we spent three months slowly building things up, and then we met up again. The meeting felt good. She contacted me again later that same day. But, it's now all quiet. I have to say it bamboozles me. And I wonder what effect us meeting has had on her?

Aside from that I've spent the week doing a number of things:a session with my Counsellor, some yoga, looking for a cookery course, some running, meeting friends, looking for a sociable walking group. My mood has oscillated. I've gone from being really anxious (Sat to Mon) to pretty calm (Tue-Wed) to quite anxious again. Any advice on a) what might be going on with my ex and b) how to find more calm would be gratefully received.

[once removed]

do i have it right that you met up again since the recent meeting we talked about?

how did it go? what happened?

[Dyson]

do i have it right that you met up again since the recent meeting we talked about?

how did it go? what happened?

Hi. No. Sorry for confusion. I was referring to our last/original meeting just over a week ago. Apart from a text exchange that same evening, I've heard absolutely nothing.

[truthbeknown]

Thanks Once Removed -that's very helpful.

We've met up and we had a decent conversation. It turns out we're both having counselling. I think us being able to communicate to each other for a couple of hours was generally positive.

She's told me she recently had had a serious spell of depression for a couple of months -which matches the time when the raging texts were sent to me. But that she's coming out the other side of it. She's successfully applied to retrain in her career from the Autumn.

I didn't know how a meeting was going to go. It was difficult to try and think it through in detail in advance so I decided to set some principles. The first of these was that I be respected by her and that I respect myself in meeting her. Tangibly, this meant setting a limit that I wasn't going to accept being raged at. Fortunately this didn't happen.

I also set as principles that I'd want to know from her why she wanted to meet. She said she wanted to know what I'd been up to. I asked why? She said that we'd invested a lot in being with each other. And also, I gently tried to get clarity about whether we were 'just' meeting or whether this was likely to be a process. She didn't know what I meant. So, I asked rom her perspective would she like to meet again? She said she would, probably in a month or so's time - to see how I am. We parted on good terms. The meeting was more positive than negative. I guess my anxiety comes from not having a clue what this represents. Is she just interested in catching up with me? Or something more? Or should I relax a little and go with it? Or should I be careful of getting drawn back in to dynamics that are similar to those between us of 4-5 months ago that were not good for my wellbeing?

I'm in the thick of this too and have made my own posts about it.  If its okay with you let me tell you what process I'm going through with this and what I have been working on.  I came across work by a doc called Stan Tatkin.  He talks about attachment styles.  I believe from what I understand he refers to what we call bpd an anxious attachment style.  My gf knows she is anxious attachment styel and Stan says when they get dysregulated that most people will pull away from them.  He says this can just re-enforce that they aren't loved and don't deserve love.  So recently with our "break" I was struggling whether I should reach out or not.  I decided to.  She is so wounded from childhood that she needs to vent her anger or feelings first.  Once she does she returns to the person who is reasonable and then can talk things out. There is a lot more I can say but in general I just wanted to share a few things:
1.  Stan Tatkin's work (wired for love is one book)
2. the fact that she is in counseling is positive hopefully unless both counselors are geared  more towards helping the client protect themselves then focused on how to help the couple deal with problems together.  What is so confusing about these situations is that we don't know if the person has the ability or desire to learn how to "repair" relationship issues. 
3.  Imago relationships are tough because they activate each persons fear about the other person.  If she is acting like your dad did for example in certain ways then that could raise your anxiety.

In summary, I am trying to asses if I give her up won't I just pick another person who is just like her ? subconsciously hoping to resolve my past relationship traumas? 

I don't know if you've asked similar questions?  What is your counselor saying? do you feel he/she is helpful in supporting you towards working things out with her or more protective of you taking care of yourself?  Seems to be a fine line in my experience which is also confusing when you love someone.

[Dyson]

Thanks for engaging truthbeknown.

There is a lot more I can say but in general I just wanted to share a few things:
1.  Stan Tatkin's work (wired for love is one book)

Thanks - I'll follow this up.

2. the fact that she is in counseling is positive hopefully unless both counselors are geared  more towards helping the client protect themselves then focused on how to help the couple deal with problems together. 

In my counsellor's case the counselling is about dealing with me rather than trying to help us both deal with our joint problems. I think, probably, likewise with my ex.

3.  Imago relationships are tough because they activate each persons fear about the other person.  If she is acting like your dad did for example in certain ways then that could raise your anxiety.

Spot on! She is my dad! I thought for many months about how I was triggering her. But, it is only recently I have begun to understand that she triggers me and to get some understanding of why.

In summary, I am trying to asses if I give her up won't I just pick another person who is just like her ? subconsciously hoping to resolve my past relationship traumas? 

My own - personal perspective on this - is, yes regardless of me and my ex that I need to sort my own wounds out to change these patterns and not be with someone similar in the future.

I don't know if you've asked similar questions?  What is your counselor saying? do you feel he/she is helpful in supporting you towards working things out with her or more protective of you taking care of yourself? 

My counsellor is very sceptical that my ex can change for the better. I generally find this position OK as it provides a counterweight and challenge to my optimism that me and my ex can sort things out and forces me to confront difficult truths. It has helped me to recognise that I need to sort myself out as that is in my sphere of control.
[/quote]

[truthbeknown]

I'll tell you what "hooks" me with my ex.  Despite her borderlinish traits or behaviors - she really seems to want to work on the relationship.   Up until now I was tickled pink about that.  Recently I have begun to ask "what about working on herself?"  maybe she looks at the relationship as a complete inanimate object and doesn't associate herself affecting "the relationship"?   But she really has shown at times to try hard to make corrects.  It's only lately because she has felt like I might now want to continue on with the relationship that she has been turning things around on me and using my own words against me.

For you it makes sense about the counselor being a "counter weight" as long as it feels healthy for you.   I used a therapist a few months ago and he had been divorced from a woman with bpd.  So he recognized some stuff I was describing. 

It's tough when you fall in love with a "part" of the person you think is real and then they give you someone else.  for me I would hate to lose the good part but not sure I can stand the bad part?

[Dyson]

I'll tell you what "hooks" me with my ex.  Despite her borderlinish traits or behaviors - she really seems to want to work on the relationship.   Up until now I was tickled pink about that.  Recently I have begun to ask "what about working on herself?"  maybe she looks at the relationship as a complete inanimate object and doesn't associate herself affecting "the relationship"?   But she really has shown at times to try hard to make corrects.  It's only lately because she has felt like I might now want to continue on with the relationship that she has been turning things around on me and using my own words against me.

In my case, I agree about the need for my ex to work on herself (and for me to do the same). Whilst she's having counselling it is not really, directly, as I understand it, addressing our relationship. In terms of our relationship, she started to slowly re-connect with me when I told her I was finished. After three months of slow reconnection we then met. Since then, almost a fortnight ago, she has gone quiet. Feels like the dynamic here is her attempt to grapple with both abandonment and engulfment. But I could be wrong. 

For you it makes sense about the counselor being a "counter weight" as long as it feels healthy for you.   I used a therapist a few months ago and he had been divorced from a woman with bpd.  So he recognized some stuff I was describing. 

Yeah, part of me would also like to have that kind of experience too that your therapist seems to have.

It's tough when you fall in love with a "part" of the person you think is real and then they give you someone else.  for me I would hate to lose the good part but not sure I can stand the bad part?

That's the dilemma for all of us I guess. There's no easy answer. I oscillate with this but I'm slowly edging towards the view that I deserve better than what I've had from her for many months now, despite the very supportive things she did for a long time for us.

[once removed]

Any advice on what might be going on with my ex

i think that this is your answer:

She said she would, probably in a month or so's time - to see how I am.

i suspect she isnt thinking on a day to day, or weekly basis, but feels good about where things are right now...still wants to touch base after a while.

does that make sense?

[truthbeknown]

I'm wondering if part of the push/pull recycle deal is that they want to be the ones to leave so if we end it they make up with us only to know in their minds that they will end it the next time.  So it gives them more power to leave and less of a feeling of rejection?  just a theory but after reading many posts on here it seems to be a common thread.   So i'm on the look out for that myself.  Still for me I've realized there is a part of me that likes the being pulled back in.  I like the approval even if its temporary because I grew up with a very critical mom and dysfunctional childhood so I seek the approval even if it's temporary.  Just what i'm discovering about myself.   

[Dyson]

i think that this is your answer:

i suspect she isnt thinking on a day to day, or weekly basis, but feels good about where things are right now...still wants to touch base after a while.

does that make sense?

Total sense. I suspect that is exactly where she is at. Thanks for pointing it out. Sometimes can't see the wood for the trees.

[Dyson]

I like the approval even if its temporary because I grew up with a very critical mom and dysfunctional childhood so I seek the approval even if it's temporary.  Just what i'm discovering about myself.   

I think that's why we have to keep working on ourselves. This has been my biggest shift the last few months - seriously working on myself with as much gut wrenching honesty as I can muster. Acknowledging that there is dysfunctionality in the relationship and that she needs to sort her problems (not my job) and that I need to address mine seriously.

[truthbeknown]

I think that's why we have to keep working on ourselves. This has been my biggest shift the last few months - seriously working on myself with as much gut wrenching honesty as I can muster. Acknowledging that there is dysfunctionality in the relationship and that she needs to sort her problems (not my job) and that I need to address mine seriously.

I agree. 
well good luck and keep in touch with us here.

[Dyson]

I agree. 
well good luck and keep in touch with us here.

Thank you. And thanks for engaging with me. Just taking the time to do that, in itself, is helpful as it helps me see I'm not on my own.

[once removed]

This has been my biggest shift the last few months - seriously working on myself with as much gut wrenching honesty as I can muster.

this is vital. think about it: if she came back tomorrow, the anxiety likely wouldnt dissipate. it might even be higher.

its a common bit of advice in a Reversing a Breakup situation, to consider the old relationship "dead", and to grieve it, and to think of any new relationship as just that...a new, different relationship, with a very different plan.

thats not to say ignore your history, the problems within the relationship, etc. it is to say you dont want to go back to the way things were - they didnt work.

right now youre on good terms, things have gone well, she has indicated warmth and interest, and that you will hear from her again. but this seems like a very tentative connection, that she is leading, at her pace. its a "long game".

[truthbeknown]

Thank you. And thanks for engaging with me. Just taking the time to do that, in itself, is helpful as it helps me see I'm not on my own.

you're welcome

[Dyson]

this is vital. think about it: if she came back tomorrow, the anxiety likely wouldnt dissipate. it might even be higher.

I agree with you. If both of us have not worked on ourselves that dystfunctional relationship is still going to be just that.

its a common bit of advice in a Reversing a Breakup situation, to consider the old relationship "dead", and to grieve it, and to think of any new relationship as just that...a new, different relationship, with a very different plan.

That's helpful. I hadn't really thought about things like that. I guess I am currently and have been grieving the relationship. I guess she is too. And, yes, I don't know what is going to happen - who does - but any chance of a future can only be constructed on fresh footing, not re-hashing the current relationship. Is that possible? I really don't know. If it is, it's a long way off.

thats not to say ignore your history, the problems within the relationship, etc. it is to say you dont want to go back to the way things were - they didnt work.

I agree.

right now youre on good terms, things have gone well, she has indicated warmth and interest, and that you will hear from her again. but this seems like a very tentative connection, that she is leading, at her pace. its a "long game".

It's a very long game - one that she's in control of. It might fizzle out. It might be energised and then on life support at various points. I can't do much about that process. What I can do is build new friendships, try new hobbies, and continue with reading, talking, thinking about and acting on my own issues.

[Dyson]

Just following up on this.

It's now been a month and we have had total silence, apart from a missed call on my phone a week ago which was like a 'deliberate accident' - i.e. she rang and then immediately cancelled it.

I realise, as in previous exchanges I've had on this board, that this is likely to be a very long game with no guarantees. I'm wondering how others who have been in this situation have dealt with the long game? How have you dealt with the long silent periods? Has anybody found it better to 'move on' rather than hang around? Any insights would be gratefully received.

[truthbeknown]

Dyson,

Hi there.  are you hoping she'll come back still?  how have you felt away from her?  now that the FOG has cleared? 

my gal lured me back in and now is playing games again (this is what I call the Jekyl and Hyde dynamic) and she is back to Mr. Hyde.    She has been ramping up efforts to take the things I tell her and use it against me in newer conversations.  The Mr Hyde part of her actually is self absorbed and narcissist.  So she can't SEE me. In fact, I had told her that once in our relationship and now she is using it on me.  It's like it's hard for me to have my own identity because she uses my thought patterns against me by incorporating them into her own psydo defense.

I'm wondering if your gal is in the other part of her personality too? it could take them awhile to come down.

[Dyson]

Thanks for replying truthbeknown.

Hi there.  are you hoping she'll come back still?  how have you felt away from her?  now that the FOG has cleared? 

I think in my deepest recesses I probably am hoping she comes back. My mind sometimes wonders back to the literally thousands of nice things we did together (Jekyll) and the mutual investment in each other. I then also think of some of the hideous ways she has treated me (Hyde). Intellectually I know this is probably finished. Emotionally it is much more difficult. I'd begun to pull away from her nearly four months ago and she gently reeled me back, which I didn't really resist. I think I have generally felt much calmer away from her. But very sad. If I can keep the sadness in check I'm generally not too bad. These are good questions in helping me reflect. Thanks.

my gal lured me back in and now is playing games again (this is what I call the Jekyl and Hyde dynamic) and she is back to Mr. Hyde.    She has been ramping up efforts to take the things I tell her and use it against me in newer conversations.  The Mr Hyde part of her actually is self absorbed and narcissist.  So she can't SEE me. In fact, I had told her that once in our relationship and now she is using it on me.  It's like it's hard for me to have my own identity because she uses my thought patterns against me by incorporating them into her own

How can you cultivate your own identity while she plays those games? Is it possible, do you think, to have a relationship with her and be healthy in yourself?

I'm wondering if your gal is in the other part of her personality too? it could take them awhile to come down.

I think it will be a long time - if ever - until she's something like she was prior to pushing me away last summer.

[once removed]

It's now been a month and we have had total silence, apart from a missed call on my phone a week ago which was like a 'deliberate accident' - i.e. she rang and then immediately cancelled it.

i dont wanta read more into it is there. its possible this was a feeler, its not unheard of for people to reach out with plausible deniability. its also possible it was an accident.

have you considered reaching out with something light and upbeat to check in?

[Dyson]

i dont wanta read more into it is there. its possible this was a feeler, its not unheard of for people to reach out with plausible deniability. its also possible it was an accident.

have you considered reaching out with something light and upbeat to check in?

I've thought about reaching out a lot in the past and, indeed, did do. The issue was that she would reply with just enough to keep me interested but this would eventually become very unhealthy for me and anxiety-inducing. So, I took the decision not to initiate anything but to respond if contacted. I realise that a missed call may be her way of contacting. I'd like her to contact. But I also don't feel I can undo nearly 4 months of not initiating contact with her by me doing the contacting. I realise this may mean that neither of us ends up properly reaching out. It's hard though. I'd like to be able to contact her. I just don't want to undo all my hard work.