Bought a new place, feeling sad

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I've been away from the boards for a week's time. It's been hectic at work, so that's a good explanation. If I'm more honest, I didn't really want to write here. I'm struggling with some uncomfortable feelings at the moment.

The last year and a half I've been living in an apartment I don't like much for different reasons. Now I've just bought a new one, I signed the papers yesterday. It's almost double the size, in a fairly new building in a nice area and there's even a veranda and an underground garage. So basically everything on my list and still in my budget. I realise I'm extremely lucky, and I don't take for granted being able to buy it. Several people texted/called me yesterday to congratulate me and saying I must be so happy and when will I move and I must be so glad to leave the old one.
But I'm not. I'm not excited at all.
I'm feeling flat, raw, sad.

Obviously this move represents something I'm struggling with, of letting go and starting anew.

I just wanted to write it down here, to be honest. It's necessary for me to write it out here for the sake of transparency and the healing process.

[Harri]

Hi Scarlet P.   

I am listening.  Not sure how to help you except to listen so here I am. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you, Harri, sometimes that's all we need 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Scarlet Phoenix, What do you think it is about your move that is provoking feelings of sadness or emptiness?  I think you are wise to acknowledge your feelings and let them pass through you.

LuckyJim

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you, Lucky Jim.

I think it's about a profound feeling of loss. Not just of my ex, but of what he represented in terms of dreams and hope. It's as if some painful losses that happened before I met him and were really raw still when we met, that I sought healing for through him, have also popped up into the mix. Fun stuff ...

While not exactly welcoming them, I will sit with them knowing that they will eventually pass.

I've decided to push myself and do a small or big action every day to get into the move. So today I called the furniture store that has in storage the sofa I bought. I've put off the call for weeks. So I called and set up a delivery date next week. It feels good.

[bestintentions]

SP,

I can relate in that I bought a house myself about 8 months after my divorce was final.  The first night I was there was so cold and lonely.  The move had been so exhausting that I woke up the following morning and just cried.  Cried for lost dreams & the fear of the unknown.  Two years later, it was the best move I could have made.  A move I *needed* to make.  I've subsequently done several renovations to make it my "own" and each learning experience has brought more rewards (albeit tiring and sometimes overwhelming) and made it more mine.  I've been fortunate enough with supportive friends and family to make the house one of serenity, happiness, fun, kindness and love.  Take a moment to look around in your new apartment and think about something you'd like to add or change.

bi

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you, BI, you put a smile on my face. I will take your story with me pushing forward.

[Caco Canepa]

Scarlet —

Completely hearing you on the feelings on being in a new place. You're recognizing the feelings, and that's important. They're here to show you something. Or maybe they just are and exist for their own reason.

Your post brings me back to a year ago when I moved into my own place after four years of marriage. My ex had planted some hateful words in my mind — "You're going to go to a sad-dad condo somewhere and die and leave us the f---- alone." And although I knew that my situation was better and improving, and it was a nice place, her voice saying those hurtful things still echoed in my mind.

Friends and family are a lifeline in times like these. I hung out with them as much as I could, but still always returned to my apartment alone, and had trouble sleeping and being by myself, with myself. I was so tempted to fill the loneliness by calling up old lovers, or going on Tinder. I'm glad I resisted that. There were important lessons in it. I had to learn how to banish my ex's voice in my head trying to convince me I was some sort of failure for living in an apartment while she remained in the house.

How are you feeling now?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hello, Caco Canepa!
I'm so-so, could be better.
Thank you for telling me about your experience. It gives me comfort to see that I'm not alone in feeling this way, and that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[HarborBP]

The last year and a half I've been living in an apartment I don't like much for different reasons. Now I've just bought a new one, I signed the papers yesterday. It's almost double the size, in a fairly new building in a nice area and there's even a veranda and an underground garage. So basically everything on my list and still in my budget. I realise I'm extremely lucky, and I don't take for granted being able to buy it. Several people texted/called me yesterday to congratulate me and saying I must be so happy and when will I move and I must be so glad to leave the old one.
But I'm not. I'm not excited at all.
I'm feeling flat, raw, sad.

SP, I wonder if part of your sadness is associated with closing the door on a chapter from your past and a bit of anxiety with entering a new chapter? If so, this is an entirely natural reaction to changing life events. With time you will begin to fill out the next chapter by developing a history in your new space. Maybe a brief "chat" with Eckhart will help?

HarborBP

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, HarborBP, sorry about the late reply. I was away on an oval weekend.

I think your reply is spot on. Sadness from closing a door + anxiety with opening a new. I'm not good with change, it makes me anxious. Thank you for your support! I will "visit" with Eckart again, a good idea!

[once removed]

I've decided to push myself and do a small or big action every day to get into the move. So today I called the furniture store that has in storage the sofa I bought. I've put off the call for weeks. So I called and set up a delivery date next week. It feels good.

how is it going? theres something about being able to make an environment all your own.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you for holding me accountable, Once!

I was away this weekend plus yesterday. Today I'm heading over there to put my name on the letter box. A small action, but I feel it's very symbolic. Other actions to take in the coming days:
– call the power company to set up an account so that I'll have electricity
– do the same for water and sewer
– be there for the delivery of my new sofa
– buy a fridge and a washer
– buy a computer screen to set up my home office
– buy cardboard boxes for packing up
– drive over there and park my car in the garage so that the action will be familiar

[once removed]

got any you can scratch off?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi OR, I'm please to say that I do:
– call the power company to set up an account so that I'll have electricity
– do the same for water and sewer
– be there for the delivery of my new sofaThis one didn't go as planned, though   I wrote about it here
– buy a fridge and a washer
– buy a computer screen to set up my home office
– buy cardboard boxes for packing up: No, but I've brought some stuff over
– drive over there and park my car in the garage so that the action will be familiar
Adding:
– chatting with the neighbours

Apparently making it actually liveable with water, sewer and power connections is tripping me up ...

I'm feeling a little better about the situation. Doing something every day, which is more like most days, is helping. I can see myself there more than before.

[Longterm]

While I was saving for a bigger place I always kept it in the back of my head that a new place would not solve all my problems because I knew it wouldn't. I knew that there would still be a lot of stress and issues to work through.

BUT, I prefer to be where I am now because it is a lot better for me and the kids. I know it's difficult but what I'm trying to say I guess is try and take the positives.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you Longterm, that's good advice. I will be better in the new apartment dealing with the issues I'm dealing with living where I'm now. The transition is hard, having my eyes on better times to come will help.

[Longterm]

Yes, try to make plans and look forward to the future. I've not long moved in my place but have been saving for Xmas since November so we can at least have a good one this year. I have made many plans including a trip in August we are looking forward to.

So ye, look forward to better times and make them happen.

[Leonis]

Was excited to be able to buy a place within the next year or two.

Now, not so much after reading this thread.

[GaGrl]

Housing changes are so stressful! We bought our retirement house about four years ago, did some renovation, and moved my mom into it after my dad died. So then I retired at end of 2018 , packed up, and moved a 4-bedroom house of "stuff" into storage. For six months now I've been sorting out what we don't need, do need, etc. and I've had a garage sale and donated trying to get to something manageable.

I think it will be a year before this house feels like "me."

[MeandThee29]

We moved to a smaller rental over a year ago so we could put the family house on the market. It was just easier to be out while work was done, and I didn't want to be there when people were going through it. It was very hard for me and our young adults to let go of that house. Our rental is in bad shape, but is in a great neighborhood. The price was right.

But different chapters in life. I'm not sure when or if I'll buy again. We'll see. One or both young adults will likely fly the coop in the next few years, so I could see getting something even smaller.

It's all very sad though.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Was excited to be able to buy a place within the next year or two.

Now, not so much after reading this thread.

Did this thread depress you? I'm sorry about that. Remember that everyone is different, and every break-up and forward journey is different. Be excited!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

GaGirl and MeandThe29, moving is stressful for sure. I've gotten some more stuff done and a starting to feel a little better, though. Moving day is on Friday!

[Harri]

How's it going Scarlet?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Harri 
Move went pretty well, despite being in the middle of a heat wave. I'm still unpacking, so boxes are everywhere. Move was followed by a week's vacation, so I wasn't much at home. The first couple of nights I slept at my old place where there's an AC in the bedroom. But the last few days I'v been sleeping at the new place, and I'm getting used to it. I like the apartment, and I can see that I'll be comfortable here. I'm still struggling some with letting go of what was. It will pass with time.

[Harri]

Hi Scarlet!

I am glad you are settling in some and that the heat is mostly gone!  Way too hot!

I like your attitude