My uBPD husband is trying to destroy me by means of revenge and abuse.

I have a lawyer. I gave her the book called Splitting so that she could better understand the psychopathy she was about to encounter upon taking my case.

It’s hard because I don’t know if it’s narcissism or BPD, though it appears to be a nasty combo of both with BPD creating all of the destruction and the narcissism eases his mind and keeps the crazy coming in steady doses.

He is very good at hiding behind a mask so only I know about the rages. And no, he has never deregulated to this extent before.

When he first started playing around with separating from me he seemed really sad that I was taking his words seriously. Then he was mad that I had. Then he’d go back and forth from sadness, depression, anger, and gloating (whenever I showed that I was heartbroken about his leaving me). It’s been a rough ten months. I kept hoping for eight months the he’d snap out of it and return to his senses and remember the beautiful life we made together and how much destruction he was/could cause to bond, marriage, children, family, and future. He seemed driven to implode. I watched helplessly as he unraveled everything everyday. He recently lost a lot of weight and the attention from women went to his head. He began thinking he would be better off without me...could do better than me. I have not proof of cheating but would go to the gym twice a day and often very late at night. He often came from the gym seeming high on belief that he was the best looking man alive. It was intolerable being around him whenever he came from the gym. Often he’d pick at me during that time.

Would fly off the handle, and at times from quite literally the couch, while cursing me and yelling at me for simply disagreeing with his obviously flawed perspective. Any hint of my attempt to become unenmeshed (sp? And is that even a word?) or asserting independence (I just started a degree program after nearly two decades of devotion to my family) and I will clearly be painted black.

He is capable of saying the most things. And will say afterwards that he loves me and wants us to be friends. However, ever since I filed for divorce two months ago this has stopped. He has said he cares for me but no more talk of love and no more talk of friends. I have literally waged war on him by simply exercising my right. Any time I do this, he reacts punitively.

He has talked about suicide since deregulation.
He has told me self-loathing comments since deregulation.

He was close to deregulating in early August and confessed that he was having a moment where he was ungrateful of me and what I didn’t realize was painting me black but snapped out of it thanks to the lyrics of a song (Music has a HUGE influence over him as does just about anything). But then after that, I woke to him bursting in the room and jarring me out of the first sleep I had since our big move out west. He woke me with irate yelling, raging even about being ungrateful for him and all he does (I see clearly now that this was projection but at that time I just cried my eyes out). He was cleaning my car, while watching our children, and making a meaI, of course knew none of this as I was sleeping AND he didn’t tell me that he planned to do all of that. This bursting in and raging was the beginning of his strange, over-the-top behavior. It went downhill swiftly after that.
Right afterwards he started sighing. And I don’t mean sighing like you realize you forgot something. No. I’m talking a deep sigh from some dark place inside that couldn’t be ignored. I’d inquire as what was wrong and it was always, I’m unhappy this or I’m unhappy that or some unreasonable complaint about an aspect of our lives that couldn’t not be changed or at least changed without blowing up everything/everyone and starting over. Which now, I see, he ultimately wanted to do.

Grass is not always greener they say.

Taking a break. BPD has already taken so much of me thus far. I need some air.

So much emotional and psychological abuse.



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