I feel liking giving up on my bpd son

[FaithHopeLove]

Friends I am done
I have tried all the radical acceptance and affirmation I could but my son is a monster. I hate him and I hate myself for brbirthing him. I even hate my own womb and all my hopes for a child. I wish he was never born. This morning. I texted him about always loving him and he seemed to receive that . Later he came over spewing more hate. He defaced the mural he made me for mothers day to show me how he hates me. Guess what. I hate him too. F him I am done. I am done trying. I am seriously thinking of giving up
 
 
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hey HFL
You have deep feelings for your son and it is ok when they border on hatred. It is the human condition. I think giving him space /you needing space is different than giving up , and maybe this is the point where you both need a breather from each other. Nothing at all wrong with that.  Replenish your tank so to speak.  I truly hear you as my son damaged my home , broke keepsakes, statues... I get it.  You must honor your feelings.  Gently i suggest to you that maybe you should draw a line about his visits.   You are allowed to detach.
Let me tell you a little ray of hope that happened to me today: My son apparently has a sobriety coach who reached out to me  for hospital records .  R's Dad also is helping him get into a rehab.  Look at how ready he is to get help(?) now  but you know what it took though.  You and this forum were / are right beside me the whole time.   Once I prayerfully, BPDed , 12 stepped let my son go a smidge, while cursing and screaming ( literally), a room was made for this small mini miracle.  Of course, this can all go to hell any minute, but it is a start of something.  Maybe.  But detachment is the ticket .  Whenever your son feels bad, he has to know it is not ok to verbally vomit on you and desecrate your property.
 

[Swimmy55]

Part 2;
Here are some positive thoughts : He is off the rails, but he still has his own housing.  He can go somewhere else other than be in your house.  2. I believe he has employment, right?  Even if it is selling drugs on the side, that is his choice and it is keeping him fed.  I know it's not the way you want him to be fed, but it will do right now.
I think once he sees you can't/ won't put up with these disruptive spells, it may remove a layer of denial off him- that what he is doing to you is not right.  That you have every right to peace as he does.  
Take this one hour at a time.  Write here as often as you want.  And yes, while I was cleaning up my son's mess a few months back i was cursing at him aloud( he wasn't in the house) and called him every name in the book. As a matter of fact, his room is still a craphole that I have to deal with.  It is ok and I love that you are being real on this forum.  You are not alone.  

[Swimmy55]

Oops it seems like I am trying to tell you what you feel ( about wanting to give up).  I didn't mean to twist it up.  However, maybe you can "give up" a little by giving yourself some respite.  You have been through a terribly traumatic event and he comes at you whenever he is near you.  It is ok to put up a boundary/ safe zone where he can't just drop by for a visit .  You must feel betrayed when he sounds contrite on the phone but then is a blaze of fury in your house.  Give your heart a rest and detach .  Think of a limit ( like no contact for ____ days or 1 week / month. whatever).  Then what you decide on , you tell him.  Think of any consequences if he oversteps this boundary.  You will get your power back . 

[FaithHopeLove]

The problem is not just my son
 It is my husband who enables him. He stood there while my son defaced our home doing nothing. I packed my bags and left. I am in a hotel room now which feels safer than my home. I dont know where I will be tomorrow
 Maybe a divorce attorney's office. I can't go on living like this.

[Only Human]

Oh Faith, I'm so sorry to hear of these latest events. I know how much you have supported your son and you've spoken before of how you feel you and your H are not on the same page. I'm sure it seems like a losing battle and I can totally relate to feeling "done." In fact, I sent my BFF a text the other day that said essentially the same thing, but with much more cussing.

I'm glad you've gone somewhere you feel safe.

I like Swimmy's idea of taking a break from your DS - you certainly could use some respite from all the drama and trauma.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you that will help you at this time. I'm glad you have your faith and I hope you can find some comfort. Please let us know how it's going and please take very good care of yourself.

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi Faith.   

It is okay to be right where you are.   

It is okay to say you are done.

It is human and I think it is understandable. 

Can you give yourself 3 days?  Just 3 days before taking action?

[FaithHopeLove]

I TRIED to take a break from my son
 He was not supposed to come to the house. My husband assured me he would help enforce that boundary but he did not
 Not at all. That is why I can't live with my husband anymore. I need a partner who makes me feel safe particularly when we have a son who terrorizes me. If he cant do that  I will face old age on my own. As rhe saying goes I can do bad by myself.

[nevergupmom]

Dear Faith-
My heart is aching with you.  I know what it's like to be done.  I've been there over and over again.  Think of giving it up as giving it to God- do what you need to find some peace.  I am praying for you. 
nevergiveup

[stampingt1]

Dear Faith,

I'm glad that you are somewhere safe. I will be praying for you & your family.

 
Stampingt1

[wendydarling]

Hi Faith 

I'm glad you are safe.

I TRIED to take a break from my son
 He was not supposed to come to the house. My husband assured me he would help enforce that boundary but he did not

You had to leave your home. In the cold light of day perhaps this is time your H may look at his role in sustaining an untenable and abusive situation, things need to change Faith, and they can, as you so often remind us.

Are you able to take time out, away for a few days, for you ~ as others suggest?

WDx 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StressedOutDaily]

Faith - thinking of you.

[Swimmy55]

FHL,  even though this is hard on you, I salute your resilience and self care.   Your safety and peace of mind are paramount and I am so glad you are taking care of yourself during this time.  One hour at a time.  We are here for you and we surely do know and understand .  Please keep us posted .

[FaithHopeLove]

My H wrote a letter to my son telling him he is banned from the house
 He is delivering it today
 

[Swimmy55]

This is good! Stay strong.

[Huat]

Hi FaithHopeLove

I am jumping in here to give you a well-deserved ((HUG)  and to say again that I am so glad you are here...sharing and caring.

When I read your comment..."I packed my bags and left.  I am in a hotel room now and feel safer than at home."...my immediate thought was..."You go, Girl!" Over the years I have gotten to the point where I just needed an out...away from the storm...needed to give myself some breathing room...regroup.

Seems your leaving got your husband's attention and he jumped into action.   Great!

While your burden is so heavy, you offer up such wonderful support to others on this forum.  I certainly hope you feel it coming back to you now when you need it the most.

Huat

[Margarete]

Oh Faith, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now.  You are allowed to feel whatever you feel-I think most of us crossed that line at one point, where it all is just too much, too abusive , too damaging.. Just like you I had to remove myself once from the chaos because I just knew if I had stayed someone would get seriously hurt (either dd or dh) . I am learning now that the therapist connects me leaving with dd's feeling of abandonment. It seems we cannot win.
Stay strong for yourself.  From the short time I have been here I can tell  what a source of strength, advice and comfort you have been and are for everybody else.
(()
Margarete