StrongHeaded
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: July 04, 2019, 08:42:55 PM » |
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Hello all!
My first post here. I'm realizing I need a bit of guidance from people who've had experience with this... I'm very open to hearing any opinions. I'll give you some context, and then my questions... any help is really appreciated.
About 9 months ago, I met a woman thanks to a similar hobby we both have. We talked occasionally, but nothing too serious until about 5 months ago as we got closer, and then officially started to date one another fairly quickly after that. She is in her late 20s, I am in my early 30s. Things were great if not surprisingly passionate. We regularly spent time together, a couple of times a week and would text back and forth throughout the day. She lives with her mom, and works a part-time job while working on our mutual hobby as a secondary income source. And we were quickly in agreement on being fully honest with each other, tired of dating people whom we played games with.
She told me about her struggles with finding a 'permanent' job, her past relationship struggles, her massive amount of debt (yikes), and about how she has an immense amount of fear related to abandonment and her struggles with depression. I've dated people with mental health issues before, it's tough but you find your ways. Weeks later, she had mentioned that she was diagnosed with depression and showed signs of BPD, but no official diagnosis the last time she had been in therapy (a decade ago). I didn't know what that was so started researching it and it FREAKED ME OUT. So many nightmare stories... but still, I didn't want to assume that everyone elses experience would be mine, so I proceeded with caution.
Things were MOSTLY fine. In public she's nearly a model citizen. She's social, and friendly. She can talk to anyone and everyone. She doesn't abuse alcohol or drugs. She's talented, can sing and do art... a people person! But privately she definitely has way too much insecurity and jealousy of any interaction I had with women. But at worst, she would become a clump of depression unable to move from her bed - just a complete shutdown for hours or a day. At worst, she would be pissed at me for not wanting to spend more time with her or fear that I wasn't actually attracted to her and was faking my interest. No name calling, no real hate. I took none of it personally knowing about BPD and didn't engage with her on, acknowledge what she's saying but not change or cave. (I'm incredibly confident in my actions and respect I show for the people I date.) She almost always apologizes and says I don't deserve her lashing out at me - admitting she gets into an 'abandonment pit' she loses track of reality, and how she struggles to understand what she's feeling so it's hard to explain. She currently does no name-calling, or physical violence.
Now, one thing she hasn't yet done is go to therapy. She finally got health insurance with her part-time job (a rarity!) and claims to have an appointment next week... that's usually a big red flag for me, someone with mental health must ALREADY be in treatment for me to date them... so I've already 'caved' on my rules before I knew about her mental health. That said, I am still confident in myself. I don't really get emotionally charged by anything - unlike her, I have no highs or lows... just a steady mood and a ton of patience.
That said... my questions...
When it comes to BPD... have these first five months just been her on her best behavior?
Will things with her condition get worse and start to lash out in different ways?
Secondly... I know that I am not responsible for her happiness... and also feel like dating someone BEFORE they are in therapy hinders their own ability to address their issues. Because she derives much happiness from being with me (not to be self-congratulating, but I am incredibly supportive, upbeat and optimistic about ALL aspects of my life and in how I encourage others), I worry that by dating her, her therapy will not be as effective as if she were to face it on her own. My sister struggles with mental health, and has been a really good sounding board for discussing these things - and she seems to agree with that thought...
So... my final question which feels like a really odd thing to ask considering I sincerely care about this person. But, would the best thing for me to do to help her in the long run be to break up with her? I know in the short term it would hurt her, she would have her insecurities and abandonment issues 'confirmed'... but in the long run... would it be better for her overall chance of success in therapy?
As I type that, I'm filled with sadness of my own because she has been great when she's in a good place and we are relatively 'new' into the dating phase. But I'm also terrified that if things get worse with her BPD, then it will end up delaying her mental health progress and damaging my own happiness and success in the long run.
Again, sorry for the long 'first' post... I hope to hear from anyone with any insight at all!
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