Husband always angry after I apologized for my ways

[izzitme]

Hello,

I really need some support because I am struggling with my husband. This is my second marriage. He does not have an official dx of BPD but a therapist long time friend of his came to me and told me he has the classic symptoms. I cannot do anything right, mostly. I walk on egg shells around him because the littlest thing I say or do can set him off for days. He will leave in a rage for 6 hours, come home still angry and not talk to me for days.  This cycle has repeated countless times this past month. My self-esteem is waning. I am a year in recovery for and eating disorder and I have come along way to build up self compassion and worth. I got a better job, am finishing my degree and practice self compassion daily. Part of my recovery was realizing the ways I treated and blamed my husband when I was in the throes of the ED. Stuff he constantly brought up. I gave him a sincere and genuine apology and completely changed my behavior. My apology came in January and he has been angry and blaming me for his depression ever since. A week doesn't go by that he doesn't bring up how I treated him. He is always screaming at me about my grown children and ex-husband and I give in and confront them on things because I am scared of him. Yes, I could be shut down during the ED and occasionally say hurtful things, but I was also loving during that time as well. He can only see the negative though. I was all bad. My apology has brought on intense anger toward me and I'm perplexed by that. I take it because I know I had said hurtful things, but I am almost at my breaking point. I try to be nice and thoughtful, but he always finds something wrong with it- he complains about everything I do and don't do. I am starting to wonder if I am the right woman for him. I can't show him any affection (he only gives side hugs like I'm his sister now) because his anger puts up a huge wall between us.  It is almost as if he liked me better sick. I don't know what to do. I am constantly sad and down. I'm working so hard to better myself in every way but I am up against a challenge at home with this constant anger and eruptions. Any advice and support is welcome because I am so anxious. I'm down that my relationship with my kids and ex is strained because there is no way I can stand up to my husband without there being serious consequences.  Any advice is so needed because I feel so alone.

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[Leigh122]

Please know that you are not alone.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  I'm on my second marriage with 2 kids from my previous marriage.  My husband has BPD, while he hasn't been diagnosed, he has all the symptoms.  We've been married for 6 years and it's been awful.  However, having an understanding of BPD helped me.  Like you, I feel like I can't do anything right.  Walking on eggshells, he distorts things, gaslighting and nothing is his fault.  He is mean to me and my son (but not as often), bt amazing to everyone else.  I will sum up what I've learned recently.  I found out he had BPD less than a year ago.  I know that he is full of anxiety and has a crippling fear of abandonment which causes his reactions and lack of responsibility.  If he accepts responsibility and it's his fault then he feels rejected.  Throughout this site, I've read that we should be the caretakers.  It's almost like you have to treat them like a child.  It was so hard for me to wrap my head around because he is so capable and functions so well with others.  I remember feeling crazy at one point.  Now, I'm at the place of trying to have compassion for him even though he is so mean to me.  I'm learning not to walk on eggshells.  It's like you have to be ok with being hated.  In this process, I'm learning to be strong and not let it affect me.  I have co-dependent tendencies which really come out being married to my ubPD husband so I'm using this as an opportunity to flush that out.  I do remember at one point I felt so alone, so unloved and so depressed because he was so angry all the time and everything was my fault.  I'm really sorry you have to deal with that situation especially with kids too.  Remember, they are somewhat like kids.  If he gets a positive reaction from you when he is angry, he will stay angry.  Try to ignore the bad behavior and rewarded to positive.  Let him be angry.  Try not to fix his mood.  Focus on you!