Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:23:39 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Ex Divorcing Her Husband  (Read 353 times)
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« on: July 07, 2019, 11:09:17 PM »

The guy she left me for in 2013.

Had lunch after church with her and the kids. Afterwards, she told me she had heard from "your friend." I asked whom she was talking about and she quietly spelled out her husband's name.  My friend, eh? Kind of funny. I haven't talked to him in over a year.  

She hesitated, then showed me a text from him.  She was able to serve him the divorce papers.  He said that "Irreconcilable differences" weren't a valid reason to divorce him.  He pulled The God Card and said that he never cheated on her or hurt her or the kids.  I told her that the latter two points were wrong. I wasn't going to go into the emotional soft stuff, but I reminded her that when he took her phone in the penultimate DV episode, that he committed a felony. She tried to call me for help, to come pick up the kids.  

She responded to him, more God JADE on her side. I barely scanned it. His message said, beyond accusing her of lying to God, "it would be a shame if you lost your house [a subsidized condo] and your job." She wondered if that was a threat.  I told her, after reading it a few times, that I thought it was even though not illegal.  I told her to step back and communicate with BIFF. No link to this board of course.  I told her that engaging in such conversations might lead to a more contentious divorce which would cost more money and pain.

I've written about my issues with detaching from getting engaged in her drama, but her husband has serious control issues, as well as odd thoughts given his brand of Christianity. Our kids are in this dysfunctional soup.  Even if nothing happens to them, if something happens to her, it affects my life.  



« Last Edit: July 07, 2019, 11:21:00 PM by Turkish » Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Scarlet Phoenix
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 9 years
Posts: 1155



« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2019, 10:00:31 AM »

Hi Turkish, would it be better to just stay out of it? I know detaching from the ex / the drama can be hard. But politely declining to see text messages and to hear about her divorce, might be better for you, and so for the kids. There are other ways to be there for your them during this.

What do you think?
Logged


~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2019, 10:17:18 AM »

Hey Turkish, I agree w/Scarlet Phoenix:  Suggest you avoid getting into a triangle with your Ex and her H.  Her divorce is her problem, not yours.  Plus, it's out of your control.  Suggest you stay above the fray.

LJ
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2019, 11:28:25 AM »

Agree...none of your business.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2019, 01:10:12 PM »

I obviously have an unhealthy fascination with how dysfunctional this turned out. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Scarlet Phoenix
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 9 years
Posts: 1155



« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2019, 01:25:07 PM »

 
It's not always easy to keep a healthy distance.
Logged


~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2019, 03:49:39 PM »

Hey Turkish, I suggest that it's about maintaining healthy boundaries, in order to avoid getting dragged back into the BPD swamp.  It's dangerous in there!  As SP suggests, politely declining to see text messages might be a wise strategy.  It's TMI, in my view.

LJ
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2019, 09:21:34 PM »

That guy's more than a few pups short of a litter.  If there are problems, I'll deal with them when they come. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2019, 11:27:38 PM »

Just make sure they are problems that are directly affecting your children...not ANY hint of problems that "rescue" your ex.

You have to let go of your ex's very personal and private dealings. You understand her -- more than she understands herself -- but you cannot be her proxy in dealing with reality. She is going to have to walk this path herself.

I was well into my 40s before I figured it all out, and into my 50s before I finally married my DH.

 Give her time, give her the gift of patience.

But defend your children, above all.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2019, 11:36:21 PM »

She told me a few years ago that he told her "I should call the cops on you! You'd go to jail and the kids would end up with me! "

Yeah. A few years ago.  That this foolishness is still going on is pathetic. If someone told that to me, they'd be gone.  50s, eh? Then there's hope for me, 48 in a few months 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2019, 11:43:25 PM »

Excerpt
I obviously have an unhealthy fascination with how dysfunctional this turned out. 

things ended pretty unfairly to you.

does it feel like vindication on some level?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2019, 12:55:27 AM »

It stopped being validation a long time ago, because it turned out a lot worse than I prophesied for both of them.  Even though my friends say that this was 90% (or more) her, he was just some desperate younger she seduced. I kind of feel sorry for both of them, and I'm not sure how condescending that sounds, I don't mean it like that.  Any pride I take from validation flew the coop years ago.

S9 told me again last night, "[step dad] is a bad person because he smokes marijuana." Not necessarily, and she shouldn't be telling the kids that.  I told him that, too, in a few more words. "Adult things are adult things." And no, I'm not a burner.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!