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Things I couldn't have known
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
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Author Topic: Help communicating  (Read 287 times)
Neriah

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« on: July 09, 2019, 11:15:21 AM »

My 30 yr old daughter was  diagnosed with BPD several months ago. She is currently in therapy. Our relationship has always been strained, difficult. I never understood why. Never a lack of love. But therapy uncovered an event that happened in our home when she was 12. She changed dramatically. I thought it was her age, being rebellious, etc. Her Dad was in the picture but not really present emotionally. It got worse. Long story short, we had her in therapy when she was 13. It went no where. Fast forward, here we are. She is a single mother of a 7 yr old daughter. Shes a great mom. Great job, just bought her 1st home. Last night her boyfriend called me, worried because she was having a bad episode. They live almost 4 hrs apart. I just recently moved from her town to Fla to help my sister who just recently was diagnosed with breast cancer. So she finally called me back. I of course being upset about being so far away and not knowing what to do to help, I started out the conversation by saying what's going on? Which totally what's the wrong thing to say as I learned. A conversation only worsened from there. And I knew that I needed some training some advice on how to communicate with her. I am sympathetic but I don't believe I've ever been empathetic. I read a little bit online and found this website hoping to gain some knowledge that I can use to help her and help our relationship
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Harri
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5390



« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2019, 03:59:08 PM »

Hi Neriah and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.

Welcome

You are in the right place for communication tools and startegies.  Many of our parents have been able to improve things using them.

A good think to do is read some articles, I will link them below, and then talk with us about them on the board.  We all help each other trouble shoot and learn, plus we support each other.

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE
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Only Human
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: divorced since the 90's
Posts: 1023


Love is still the answer


« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2019, 11:31:22 PM »

Hello Neriah! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I join Harri in welcoming you to BPDFamily, we are glad you are here.

A conversation only worsened from there. And I knew that I needed some training some advice on how to communicate with her.

As Harri has said, you have absolutely come to the right place to learn new ways of relating to your daughter. We are all learning together, none of this is intuitive, and it takes practice, practice, practice.

Have you had a chance to look at the link Harri posted? It's got many of our best articles with links to more. It can be overwhelming so take it at your own pace and come back here with any questions/comments. We get it here - you are not alone.

How are you doing after the difficult conversation? I hope you are being compassionate with yourself

~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
-Jason Mraz, I'm Yours
Neriah

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2019, 11:01:29 AM »

I'm feeling sad for her, because only her therapist understands her. More guilt, of course because I didnt reach out sooner.
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Only Human
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: divorced since the 90's
Posts: 1023


Love is still the answer


« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2019, 01:35:03 PM »

I understand feeling guilty, Neriah! I think we all do. Please give yourself a break, you are doing the best you can do under extremely difficult circumstances.

It's good she is seeing a T (therapist) and that her T understands BPD. It sounds like your daughter is accepting of the diagnosis and active in treatment?

Are you also in therapy? Many of us find working with a T who understands the intensity of BPD relationships to be helpful. Self-care is also a major focus for all of us, something we all strive for - put your own oxygen mask on first, you know?

Please keep posting and reading. You don't have to go through this alone. We've got you

~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
-Jason Mraz, I'm Yours
Neriah

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2019, 07:59:51 AM »

This group has been very helpful. I am reading everything and learning alot about myself and my daughter. She has been referred to a Dialectical Behavior Therapist. She will be starting group therapy soon. I am not in therapy. My insurance does not cover it and financially at this time I cant afford it. Thank you for the encouraging words. It is comforting to know I am not alone in this. God bless
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FaithHopeLove
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What is your relationship status with them: Shaky
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« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2019, 08:26:04 AM »

Hi Neriah and welcome to the group. I am glad you are here. You have gotten lots of sound advice already and I don't want to pile on just say a quick word about guilt because I sometimes struggle with it too. The fact is none of us deliberately caused our children to have BPD. The very fact you are here means you are a loving parent. My son is dual diagnosis BPD and addicted. Recently an addiction specialist told me that as his mother I am the last person to be able to help with his addiction because I am too close to him. Someone else who is more neutral to him will have to be the one to get through. So I am detaching with love, refusing to blame myself and prayerfully leaving him in God's hands. Do you think maybe you could also stop blaming yourself? The disease is bad enough without us pouring guilt on top of it. What are your thoughts?
Hugs
Faith
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Only Human
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: divorced since the 90's
Posts: 1023


Love is still the answer


« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2019, 11:22:17 PM »

I am not in therapy. My insurance does not cover it and financially at this time I cant afford it.

You've got us and, I'm telling ya, posting here is like free therapy! I stopped seeing my T a few months ago (for financial reasons) and coming here for help and advise has been a lifesaver. Keep posting, Neriah! We are listening and we want to help!

I like what Faith posted about what her T told her:

Recently an addiction specialist told me that as his mother I am the last person to be able to help with his addiction because I am too close to him. Someone else who is more neutral to him will have to be the one to get through.

Your DD's T understands her because she's been educated. It's great you DD has someone she trusts.

How are things going? Has the bad episode passed?

How are you coping?

~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
-Jason Mraz, I'm Yours
Neriah

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2019, 07:07:11 AM »

Good morning.  Things have been calm. Thank you Faith, your words are comforting. I pray daily. I need to remember that when I give it to God I need to let it go. Practice makes perfect. I have been away for two months and am going home to visit next week. I will be staying with my daughter and granddaughter in their home. I pray that all goes well and if she gets upset, I do feel pretty good about what I've learned and that I need to keep my emotions in check. I have also learned from you all here what definitely not to say. Thank you all so very much. And I will continue to keep learning from you. You are all a blessing. Thank you so much
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FaithHopeLove
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What is your relationship status with them: Shaky
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« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2019, 08:38:19 AM »

Yes. That is exactly how it works
 Once we place our children in God's hands we let them go or as the Alanon folks put it we detach with love. That doesn't mean we don't care. It does mean we trust God (or whatever higher power we believe in) to be at work in their lives in ways we cannot.
Hugs
Faith
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Neriah

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2019, 05:11:18 PM »

Yes! So good to speak with another mom. How are you doing?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Shaky
Posts: 1505



« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2019, 05:35:08 PM »

I am doing OK Neriah
Thanks for asking. I am really working on trusting God and detaching with love so my son can find his own way. Right now I am at a folk harp festival with a good friend. That is one of my hobbies. Do you have hobbies you like?
Hugs
Faith
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