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Author Topic: Rage migraine  (Read 704 times)
Zabava
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« on: July 09, 2019, 08:55:50 PM »

Hi all,

Just wanted to ask for some advice about dealing with my bpd mum and sister.  I woke up this morning with an excruciating headache after spending the weekend with my sister.  For background, I went nc for 4 months and then she contacted me to say she was going to get therapy.  Some of you warned me not to expect miracles and you were right.

I casually mentioned that my husband and kids were going away for the weekend and she immediately started making plans to join us.  As always the whole weekend became about her.  I felt so relaxed and almost happy not talking to her but as soon as I renewed contact the dance of crazy began. 

I didn't feel angry consciously but my body knew otherwise, hence the migraine.

I have been moving forward for the past few months and I feel like I got sucked back in this weekend. 

I'm wondering if anyone has found a middle ground between nc and over involvement.
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JNChell
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2019, 09:34:29 PM »

Hi, Zabava. From what I’ve learned so far, our bodies store trauma. Stored trauma can eventually cause physical symptoms, not just emotional or psychological. Maybe your body is trying to tell you something. Two things perhaps. “Keep me away from the people that hurt me!”, and “Help me deal with this stuff when it gets agitated!”.

I’ve read in several places, articles and what not, that it takes several attempts to find a distance away from emotional abusers that is healthy.

The language and advice around here that talks about a happy medium between NC and over involvement is healthy boundaries if you choose to stay in contact. I’ve not yet put this into practice like I should, but I understand it.

Do you think that you could take 3 months off from your mother and sister? Very limited contact. Within those 3 months, study the tools and implement them. When the pressure is on, bring it here. A little distance might help with those headaches.
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Zabava
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« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2019, 09:46:19 PM »

Thanks JNChell,

I like the idea of going nc for a few months to get a break.  I am realizing that contact with my mum and sister makes me physically ill before my brain registers any sort of distress. 

 My mum was the active abuser when I was a kid, but my mother gave my sister permission to hit me when I was around 7 years old and she took full advantage.  I know it's not her fault, but I still remember her whacking me and telling me I was stupid. 

Thanks for listening.  I know I sound like a broken record
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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2019, 10:02:03 PM »

You’re not a broken record. It’s understandable that your body gives you warning signs. What you’re describing doesn’t come down to fault. You didn’t deserve that. If you’re ok with staying present, that was then, and your pain from it is now. When you were a child, you were stuck in it. You’re an adult now and are entitled to make your own choices. This is just an opinion. Put some distance between yourself and your abusers. Journal your thoughts and memories and practice the tools.

How would it feel for you to pull away from them for a bit?
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Zabava
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« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2019, 10:14:14 PM »

Scary because they'll be angry, but also a relief.  When I'm out of contact I feel better about myself and I start to gain confidence.  I feel more hopeful.

At the same time I feel like a terrible person for not calling and visiting. 

The rage is genuine though .
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2019, 10:25:03 PM »

Hi Zab!  Sorry to hear about the migraine. 

A whole weekend is a lot of time to spend with your sister.  a lot of time.  I don't think I would have done any better. 

JNChells suggestion about taking time for yourself is good. 


Excerpt
Scary because they'll be angry, but also a relief.
Use the break as a way to practice setting boundaries Zab.  Going from very LC to a full weekend is a lot of pressure and if you are not comfortable with not taking calls or texts it is going to be soo difficult.   Take small steps.  You have learned a lot and are doing great.  Truly.  I don't want to see you get frustrated with yourself or the process.  When my mom was alive and I had contact with her and my dad it was always on my terms, in ways I could leave if necessary and for short periods.  It was manageable and each period of contact was an opportunity to practice boundaries, self-differentiation, etc.  I had to de-sensitize myself in a way.

Excerpt
When I'm out of contact I feel better about myself and I start to gain confidence.  I feel more hopeful.
Good.  Hold onto that hope.  You may decide ultimately that you do not want contact and that is okay.  You may decide you do want contact and that is okay... or anything in between.

Take small steps.   
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JNChell
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« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2019, 10:36:47 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0

There’s a lot of information here that might be helpful if you haven’t already read it.

The rage is genuine. I get that. When you’re out of contact, you feel less rage? Less triggers?

”At the same time I feel like a terrible person for not calling and visiting”. Are you quite sure that these are your feelings? Could they belong to someone else? I only ask because you spoke about feeling better when you’re not around them.
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« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2019, 01:15:35 AM »

Excerpt
I didn't feel angry consciously but my body knew otherwise, hence the migraine.

Do you feel guilty for feeling angry?

I'd be angry in those circumstances. 
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Vanilla Sky
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« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2019, 07:56:54 AM »

Hi Zabava,

Scary because they'll be angry, but also a relief. 

I too feel this. I wonder if this is the Fear (FOG) we are talking about. Our inner child does still fear our abusers.

I am NC with my mother since December. Just thinking about calling her and hearing her voice makes my body chill and I get scared and panicky. I am finally listening to my emotions but I decided to also take my body reactions very seriously. My body is saying No when I can't say No to people.

Yesterday I watched a video from Garbo Maté called "When the Body Says No -- Caring for ourselves while caring for others". He says "if you don't know how to say No when you need to, your body will say it for you in the form of illness".

I will leave the link to the video below.
https://youtu.be/c6IL8WVyMMs?t=2498

Sending a hug on your way 
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Zabava
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« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2019, 07:54:37 PM »

Thanks for the hugs Vanilla Sky,

I admire your courage in going nc.  Thanks for the link to Gabor Mate's video.  What he says about supressing authenticity is bang on.

Turkish,  yes I do feel guilty about feeling angry.  It's weird but the few times I've allowed myself to really feel angry at my parents I've felt very light and free. 

JNChell,  You're very perceptive...I feel guilty because I feel so much better not talking to my mum and sister.  I have been thinking about what it would be like to not feel guilty all the time and I get mad.

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JNChell
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« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2019, 08:26:30 PM »

your feelings are warranted. What sticks out is that it leads to anger. That’s understandable.  Of course it does. It will until something changes course. Have you felt like this dynamic has been going in circles for far too long?
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« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2019, 08:30:45 PM »

When I continued with the couples' counselor my ex abandoned me to, a few months in he sat back and said, "Good! You're finally angry!" I guess I hadn't shown it.  He continued, "you have every right to be angry. I was beginning to wonder."

If children are invalidated and punished for showing emotions, it's natural to continue this learned behavior into adulthood.  As children, we did it in order to survive.  
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Zabava
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« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2019, 09:22:32 PM »

Yes JNChell,    The dynamic is lifelong but is has ebbed and flowed.  I rebellled as ayoung child by running away (twice, aged 9 and 12)  both times no one called CAS (Children's Aid)  and no extended family intervened.  I felt like a bad kid and tried not to feel angry.   I wish someone had cared enough to ask what was goung on.

My There's so much more since then.
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Zabava
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« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2019, 09:57:06 PM »

Turkish,

My therapist has been asking when I will allow myself to be angry.  The anger is scary because in my heart of hearts I fear punishment.  Despite not being overtly religious my mother talked about kicking me to "kingdom come"  an awful lot.  She also told me that Satan was real and a "free floating presence" in the world. 
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« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2019, 10:03:16 PM »

Perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

Threatening you like that wasn't showing love. 
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Zabava
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« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2019, 10:26:14 PM »

Turkish I often felt like she hated me.  In fact she told my sister and I that having kids ruined her life. 

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« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2019, 10:46:57 PM »

Like having kids wasn't her choice...

She was projecting her self-hatred upon you.  What a horrible thing to say to you and your sister! 

How did you feel when she said that, or you learned of it?
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Zabava
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« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2019, 12:20:27 AM »

I felt so so guilty.  She said it to us directly and to my dad when she was arguing with him.  The sad thing is that she waa right.  She was a very smart woman who didn't get to university because her parents sent her brother instead (six kids, circa 1960, they only had money for him.

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Zabava
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« Reply #18 on: July 17, 2019, 09:43:48 PM »

I am feeling very angry.  So much so that I have had full body migraines.  My mother in law is on vacation with us because she invited herself and my husband acquiesced. It's a pattern.  I am such a loser.
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Harri
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« Reply #19 on: July 18, 2019, 06:18:10 PM »

Hi Zab.

Can you take this and change it so you are not re-victimizing yourself and verbally abusing you:  "I am such a loser."

The way we talk to and about our self is an important part of recovery.  

Change it up.  
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Zabava
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« Reply #20 on: July 19, 2019, 10:51:49 PM »

Thanks Harri,

I feel embarrassed about my post.  I have had trouble setting boundaries with my in laws and I tend to get self pitying and passive agressive, instead of assertive.  I have been reflecting on this and trying to put my angry feelings in context.  

It is one of the core issues I've been working on with my therapist.  I tend to feel sorry for myself when I should be advocating for myself.  For context,  my husband has chosen his FOO over me and our kids over and over throughout our 20 year marriage.

I feel frustrated because I feel that I have recreated my relationship with my mum in jmy marriage.  I feel like a loser because I always end up at the same place...feeling guilty and sad .  

Btw Thank you for sticking with me.  I don't feel like I deserve it, but I appreciate your support and patience.
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Harri
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« Reply #21 on: July 20, 2019, 11:38:05 AM »

I understand Zab.

A lot of us can relate to those feelings and I am glad you shared them here.   

Excerpt
It is one of the core issues I've been working on with my therapist.  I tend to feel sorry for myself when I should be advocating for myself.
I am not sure that 'shoulds' belong here (or anywhere really).  Accept that that is your go to response, there is nothing wrong with it really.  If you want to change it, it can be done.  Notice the words you use when thinking/talking to yourself and switch them up.  You can still feel the way you feel, that part is important.  Change has to happen somewhere for us to be able to heal and function better.  We can't change other people and we may not be able to change our circumstances but (!) we can change us and a good place to start is to get rid of self-defeating and self-abusive talk and thought patterns.

Excerpt
I feel frustrated because I feel that I have recreated my relationship with my mum in jmy marriage.  I feel like a loser because I always end up at the same place...feeling guilty and sad .
It makes sense that you re-created the dynamics with your mom in your marriage and family.  Read the relationship boards and you will find thousands here who have done the same.  We seek out people where we feel comfortable, maybe familiar is a better word though.  The dynamics are what we know and fit with the way we process things, respond and behave often on an unconscious level.  It is common.

Rather than beat yourself up for it, take the fact that you have awareness, and even better self-awareness and can choose to make changes.  I am not sure it is possible to set good boundaries that are based on our personal values if we are not able to accept who we are at the time, if you know what I mean.

I am sorry things are difficult with your husband and in-laws.

Why not start a thread about that too?

BTW, you are welcome!   
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Zabava
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« Reply #22 on: July 20, 2019, 08:39:56 PM »

Thank you Harri.
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« Reply #23 on: July 21, 2019, 12:46:59 AM »

How are you doing Zabava?

This may seem like a stupid example, but I've been watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix.  It's a story about kids with various superpowers, grown up to be dysfunctional adults. One of the super kids (spoilers here) grew up thinking she had no superpowers and was on meds to control her anxiety, pushed by their cold and distant adoptive dad.

Vanya was an outsider, with a very low self esteem,  overshadowed by her brothers and sisters who had powers and fought crime. An outside character noticed that she always apologized for herself, even over little things, like she felt she was a burden for existing. 

It took an outsider to take interest in her and validate her worth.  Slickly arranging Vanya to forego her meds, she came to realize that she also had a superpower, one that her adopted father was so scared of that he initiated the med ruse when she was a child in order to suppress that power. 

Fictional example aside, parents with BPD may be scared or threatened by their kids' personal power as individuals. It's up to us to realize our own powers and to take back that which may have been robbed from us.  This isn't easy, but it's possible. 
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Zabava
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« Reply #24 on: July 21, 2019, 09:55:49 PM »

Thank you Turkish,

Not a stupid example at all;  I think it illustrates a profound truth about bpd parents.  They fear their kids individuality because they are so terrified of abandonement.  In my mother's case she was very threatened by any kind of attention or praise I got from the outside world.  She undermined my friendships and mocked my enthusiasms as naive.  

It sounds silly but I always kind of held back from excelling at anything or getting too involved in life because I was afraid of hurting her.  I learned to downplay my own happiness because I knew it was a betrayal to live my own life.

Your analogy has given a lot to think about.  And a new show to watch on Netflix
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« Reply #25 on: July 21, 2019, 11:29:35 PM »

My mother wasn't as severe as yours, but I learned not to say good things about adults and teachers in my life. 

"Mr. Robinson mumbles? That means he's hiding somethimg!"

MR got me onto the academic Decathalon team and I was his 12th grade TA for one of his other classes. At the 10th high school reunion, he was genuinely glad to see me and was pleased that I was doing well. 

My mom once spoke of our neighbor, a special Ed teacher at my high school, "she's your 'fun' mother!  She doesn't know you like I do!" The message, I was a POS other adults didn't experience. Funny thing, that mother, whom I didn't even feel as a mother because she was like 15 years younger than mine,  sent me on a successful path by merely suggesting a tech program she had heard about at the community college that she had gone to on her path to a teaching credential.  My mom was worthless to help me my last two years of high school. 

My mom made sure to show up for the awards ceremony when I won medals in the tri-county Decathalon. I resented that. My teachers encouraged and coached me, not my mother, but it made her look good. 

That woman and a couple of other teachers saved me from fading into oblivion. 

They are gone, I remain.  My mother no longer knows who I am, I remain.  So do you.  We have ourselves, and the most difficult struggle may be realizing this and moving forward, leaving the negative voices in the past where they can only hurt themselves. 
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