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Author Topic: Support for me and my teenager  (Read 161 times)
Elpis100

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Posts: 3


« on: July 10, 2019, 01:13:28 PM »

My son is 15. He doesn't have a diagnosis, but BDP was mentioned to us as a possibility in his last session with his psychiatrist and it seems to fit better than anything else I have read about.

His current diagnosis is ongoing major depressive episode and anxiety disorder with prominent panic symptoms. He takes Citalopran and has started CBT. He self harms and has been suicidal at times.  He's very emotional and is both very black and white in his outlook and impulsive, his moods change quickly and I am either the best mother ever, or I don't understand at all and am completely controlling.

When at home, he spends most of his time in his room. He was expelled from his last school for possessing alcohol (I think they were just relived to have a reason to ask him) and although he has enrolled in a new school, he very rarely goes.  He finds it very difficult to stick to any commitments eg walking the dog, which he is meant to do twice a week, tidy his room, sometimes he can't even join family meals.  He has very bad insomnia, so is often up all night. I regularly catch him out telling lies and even sometimes stealing money from us.

Conversely he is very extroverted when he goes out with his friends, is very popular and enormous fun to be with.  This puts a lot of strain on him and partly accounts for his quietness at home (where he comes when he is 'peopled out'). He has a very large circle of friends, but seems to jump about quite a bit.  He regularly argues with his closest friends and finds this extremely upsetting.

He says he has been depressed and anxious for so long - we've been dealing with it as a family for nearly 2 years (but he says it goes back further than that) that he can't remember anything else.  We finally have some professional help, but this is the 3rd anti depressant he has been put on and it still hasn't worked yet.  He has only had maybe half a dozen CBT sessions, and I know DBT is recommended, but I'm not sure it is offered where I live.  

People I've spoken to get very upset when I talk to them about specifics, or offer parenting advice that inevitably involves discipline and punishments, that I feel would be inappropriate at present. I could probably try harder to connect and share, but its really hard saying some of this stuff out load. As a result I'm feel quite isolated.

I agreed with my husband that he would focus on our other 2 children, but he is slowly getting more involved as he sees me struggling.  We live in small island community, so an on-line resource like this will be amazing.  I look forward to hearing your stories and coping mechanisms.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Only Human
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Posts: 1024


Love is still the answer


« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2019, 01:23:14 PM »

Hello Elpis and Welcome

You have found a great place to share and learn more about BPD. You seem very compassionate when it comes to your son's struggles and he's lucky to have you in his corner.

I'm on my tiny little phone at the moment so can't share links but want to encourage you to click on the post pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. It's a good place to begin with lots of informative links.

I'm sure others will be along soon to welcome you, you are not alone.

In the meantime, how are you doing?

~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
-Jason Mraz, I'm Yours
PeaceMom
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« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2019, 03:04:36 PM »

Welcome Elpis,
This can be such an isolating experience for parents. It’s confusing and hard to share with even closest friends and relatives. Honestly, if a friend would have shared the struggles with me that we’ve had with our DD 19ubpd, I would have suggested tough love and removing most privileges. Ha! We here are learning that those just don’t work with this population.
My therapist told me years ago “People must earn the right to hear your story”.  So very very true. I only share with “safe” people who have had significant struggles of their own. I run from self-righteous, know-it-all’s.
Please fire away here -these folks are lovely, wise and helpful.
Hugs,
Peacemom
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Elpis100

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Person in your life: Child
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2019, 01:46:47 PM »

Firstly, thank you for your responses. I'm trying to amass as much info as I can, so I've just started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. I'm finding it scary and comforting in equal amounts!

DS is ranting and very stressed about his privacy today.  He is trying to download apps that need our apple id, but is reticent to share fully what they are.  Apparently we're very controlling.  I hate to see him so upset and arguing with his dad.  His dad upset too.  Apparently ds punched him (not hard, but hard enough) when he refused to put his id in without a full explanation.

I'm asked my hubby to start on the eggshells book too, so hopefully we'll have a lot more info from that.  Putting boundries in place is a real struggle for us at the mo.

I can't seem to find the 'how to get the best from this site' button.  Could you give me a clue as to where to find it.
Thanks
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2019, 03:07:43 PM »

How To Get the Most Out of This Site

Here you go. Hope this helps.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 11:07:54 PM by Only Human, Reason: fixed link » Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Only Human
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« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2019, 11:13:50 PM »

Boundaries are difficult for most of us, Elpis, you are definitely not alone. I hope that you'll find some good stuff in the link Faith posted (thanks, Faith!) and that you'll stick around and become part of the family here.

Apparently ds punched him (not hard, but hard enough) when he refused to put his id in without a full explanation.

What was your DH's response to the punch? I always get concerned when I hear that children react with physical violence on another person. Has this happened before?

Excerpt
I'm asked my hubby to start on the eggshells book too, so hopefully we'll have a lot more info from that. Putting boundries in place is a real struggle for us at the mo.

Great idea, it will be helpful if you are on the same page. You're doing all the right things, Elpis. Reading, learning about BPD, reaching out for support as you navigate this relationship. We all help each other here, hold each other up when we are not strong. Keep talking to us, things can get better!

~ OH
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"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
-Jason Mraz, I'm Yours
Elpis100

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Person in your life: Child
Posts: 3


« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2019, 09:50:19 AM »

I wonder if anyone has some advice for me.

DS's therapist has emailed us last Friday.  DS had missed last weeks session, as I was away and my husband forgot to remind, wake or otherwise get him there.  DS has missed a couple of sessions before that and was on a warning not to miss anymore, although this time wasn't his fault (or mostly not his fault).  The therapist also said that DS is not engaged with his CBT sessions and is not doing any of the work set between sessions (its not onerous, he was asked to start reading Matt Haig's Reason to Stay alive) etc. The therapist says he is referring the case to his line manager and will potentially discontinue the sessions.

DS says he doesn't want to go to anymore anyway as it its made absolutely no difference (he's had maybe 6 - 8 sessions, I'm not exactly sure).  I'm so frustrated! Its taken my 18 months of talking to numerous professionals to get DS someone to talk to that he liked and was starting to trust.

DS is a chronic insomniac and spends his nights in the lounge.  We are currently on holiday in a friends house in Spain, and DS has been spending the night in the lounge, going up to his own room when we all get up.This morning I have found a large flask, the type you would take on a hike, 1/2 full of alcohol.  I also found some razors and a bloodied tissue under the sofa cushion where he sits.  He's clearly self harming and self medicating again.  The fact that he has his own room, but is doing it in the lounge and leaving the evidence there, leads me to think he might want to be 'caught', even if it's sub conscious.

Only yesterday he insisted on wearing a long sleeve hoodie all day (its very hot here) and I told him that when he's with his family its a safe space and that if he had been self harming on his arms, I would make sure no-one mentioned it (there are already some very noticeable scars on his left forearm).  He said he had not.

Any advice on how to approach him? He is so uncommunicative and defensive at the moment.

Apologies if this post is a little rabbling......Thank you
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« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2019, 10:01:16 AM »

Hi Elpis100, and Welcome.

its really hard saying some of this stuff out load. As a result I'm feel quite isolated.

You are in a safe place, feel free to share whatever you want. We all understand how difficult it can be. 

LT.
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