What do you tell people after a separation?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've separated from my wife.  Our home was toxic from her berating in front of the kids.  I've been to two counselors who said her actions are considered abuse.  People in our social circle knew we were having trouble, but not all the details.  I only shared the details with two people in my church hoping they might be able to confront her, and our couples therapist.  That didn't go well, it would take a different post.  I know my wife has talked with lots of people in our social circle.  I don't want to drag her through the mud.  She is still the mother of our four kids.  She is still going to be at school events and seeing other parents.  Right now she is painting me as a deadbeat dad who didn't want to work on our marriage.  I want to reconnect with some friends that I've lost touch with, but I hesitate how much to tell other people.  For those that want to help us stay together, I want to tell them about the abusive behavior that has to stop, because they keep trying to talk to me like I'm not trying hard enough.  Like I'm not forgiving enough, or understanding enough.  I realize that's probably not a bad assumption in most cases of marriage.  I don't want to air dirty laundry. 

I'd like to have some friends that I can hang out with.  Some other guys to help me maintain my sanity.  Because of the close knit social circles, whatever I say to them will make its way out there.  I don't know.  I'm know there are those in the community that wouldn't believe me anyways.  They would just think I'm badmouthing to make myself look better.  I want to maintain as much dignity and honor as I can through this.  I don't want things to fall back on my kids. 

How have others navigated through this?

[Wilkinson]

I've separated from my wife.  Our home was toxic from her berating in front of the kids.  I've been to two counselors who said her actions are considered abuse.  People in our social circle knew we were having trouble, but not all the details.  I only shared the details with two people in my church hoping they might be able to confront her, and our couples therapist.  That didn't go well, it would take a different post.  I know my wife has talked with lots of people in our social circle.  I don't want to drag her through the mud.  She is still the mother of our four kids.  She is still going to be at school events and seeing other parents.  Right now she is painting me as a deadbeat dad who didn't want to work on our marriage.  I want to reconnect with some friends that I've lost touch with, but I hesitate how much to tell other people.  For those that want to help us stay together, I want to tell them about the abusive behavior that has to stop, because they keep trying to talk to me like I'm not trying hard enough.  Like I'm not forgiving enough, or understanding enough.  I realize that's probably not a bad assumption in most cases of marriage.  I don't want to air dirty laundry. 

I'd like to have some friends that I can hang out with.  Some other guys to help me maintain my sanity.  Because of the close knit social circles, whatever I say to them will make its way out there.  I don't know.  I'm know there are those in the community that wouldn't believe me anyways.  They would just think I'm badmouthing to make myself look better.  I want to maintain as much dignity and honor as I can through this.  I don't want things to fall back on my kids. 

How have others navigated through this?

[Longterm]

Hi Wilkinson.

It is difficult, I understand.

I did not say a bad word about my ex, I used the line "there were issues on both sides".
My ex assassinated my character to anybody who would listen and this proved detrimental to her eventually. I like to think I took the path of truth and dignity and she took the path of blame.

As far as friends/family go, everybody picks sides. I was and still am only bothered what my kids think of me. People that truly know me know what I am and what I am not.

[Skip]

Why not... Things are messy for us right now. We are temporarily separated but trying to work thinks out. We are going to a Gottman couples program on August 16th.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wilkinson, I agree w/Longterm and suggest that you avoid going down to her level.  Suggest you take the High Road.  It's hard, I know, but I think it's preferable to let others figure it our for themselves.  Anyone who has been in a marriage knows that there are different sides to r/s issues.  You will find out who your real friends are.  If you have a trustworthy friend who is discrete, I think it's OK to vent, provided he/she agrees up front that it goes no further and that you are getting some things off your chest.

LuckyJim

[Wilkinson]

Thanks everyone.  It all makes sense.  As people start to find out about our divorce and ask me, "Oh my gosh! What happened?"  My response is going to be: "There were some things on both sides that made it hard to continue on. It's very sad."  If people hear things she says about me, and say, "I heard that you were _____?"  It it is something that is factually untrue, I can say, "I know that is not true.  I'm not sure where you heard that, but I'm guessing something got distorted in the passing of information, but that is not true."  If it's more of assessment, I can say, "Everyone is going to have their own perspective based on their experiences and relationship with us as individuals.  I don't want to get into the details.  Things are messy and right now we both can use support from our community, and especially our kids."

I mean do those sound OK?  Am I on the right track?  I'm trying to put a general script in my head because my fear is someone will talk to me and emotionally I'll be caught off guard and I want to have something to rely on rather than risk walking away and wishing I would have not said anything. 

I figure if I feel uncomfortable, like some question that I feel can't be answered neutrally, I can say, "You know, it's probably not good to get into the details with many people.  You know how rumors can fly and everyone will see things how they want to see them and that would only make things worse.  I appreciate your concern during this difficult time.  This is very hard on my kids and the best thing is to try and help and support them as much as we can."  And to make sure the tone is genuine and not patronizing. 

[Longterm]

Hi Wilkinson.

They sound like great responses.

It's important to try and stay neutral because things that are said can quickly escalate. If you badmouth your ex to friends, some of it will get back to Her and then she will react and that will keep the fire that you need to go out, stocked up with wood.

Good luck, I know it's hard.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wilk, Agree with LT: those are great responses.  You get the idea!  I think it's OK to let people know that there is a lot of misinformation out there and let them draw their own conclusions.

You got it on tone: genuine, not patronizing or sarcastic.

Good luck,
LJ

P.S.  Down the road, you want to be able to say to your kids truthfully that you never bad-mouthed their mother.

[Wilkinson]

Speaking of talking to other people, one of my wife's friends (female) wants to meet over dinner to talk about our situation.  I feel conflicted.  I never want to shut the door to a possible reconciliation and maybe someone else can get through.  However, this woman is very much my wife's friend.  If you've ever read Leslie Vernick's material, I'm concerned that she's just going to be a "flying monkey" for my wife.

As I keep second guessing myself, I come back to this group to double check my sanity.  I know if I go, I need to be tight lipped and be very aware that anything I say will probably be looked at, used in the most negative way, and brought back to my wife.  This feels risky, but like I said, I don't want to shut any doors.

Oh and also, my wife filed for divorce yesterday.  She says she wants to reconcile, but then demands what am I going to do to save the marriage. 

Jeez, when I look at my own writing, I don't feel good about this at all.

[Wilkinson]

Ah never mind.  It was just canceled.  Probably for the best.

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, Wilkinson, probably for the best.  That type of a meeting has the potential for becoming a Lose/Lose proposition, because anything you say is likely to be taken out of context and/or used against you.  I suggest you politely decline next time.

LJ

[OutOfEgypt]

Wilkinson, I agree on declining the meeting so sounds for the best that it didn't happen.  The temptation is to try to "set things straight" and use their friend as a potential ally, but I think you are right to be cautious.

I know Leslie Vernick's books.  Interesting!  What I realized through my own divorce is that everyone has an opinion.  They all have advice to lend, suggestions to make, etc.  "Advice is cheap," as they say, because they don't have to live out the consequences. 

Funny how she's willing to reconcile, given you comply with her list of demands (and likely admissions of guilt).  Sorry you're going through this.  If you know Leslie Vernick's work, then you know you'd need a counselor for any potential reconciliation who would hold you both accountable and speak the truth in love... which your wife likely will not appreciate.  In the case of my attempt at reconciliation, my ex-wife (we were already divorced by that time) promised therapy once she realized I was serious about moving on.  Soon as I agreed and she moved back in, the switch flipped right back and blew up within a few months.

[Lucky Jim]

The temptation is to try to "set things straight" and use their friend as a potential ally, but I think you are right to be cautious.

Agree w/OutOfEgypt.  That's the temptation, to set the record straight, but it's unlikely to play out that way because generally the friend is not really a true ally.  In fact, it's more likely some sort of set-up, which is why I suggest it is best avoided.

LJ