Mother with BPD Continues to Ignore/Sabotage All Boundaries

[Songbird88]

Hi all. I'm a 30-year-old only child of a single mom with BPD. To complicate matters, she also has a traumatic brain injury, an addiction to pain medication, and many physical ailments due to a car accident. I just found out from family members (all of which have cut off contact with her) that she was diagnosed BPD many years ago by multiple people. But to my knowledge, she's in complete denial and has never received treatment.

Over the past year, I've been trying so hard to calmly set boundaries and avoid guilt traps, but she continues to ignore them completely and/or rage at me in response to them. I feel like I'm suffocating and drowning. Some of the things she says to me over text and in voicemails are so horrendous, I can't even bring myself to type it. But then every time I hide from her for a few days, she eventually cools off and pretends like it never even happened. No acknowledgment, no apology.

Here's a recent example. Right after my therapy appt last Wednesday, my mom texted to say she was in the city because she mistakenly thought she had a doctor's appt (it turned out it was the next day) and asked if we could meet up. I informed her I had several writing deadlines that day and really need to go home and work after therapy, but I'd call her later and we'd get some plans on the calendar. She exploded at me, infuriated that I wouldn't see her or "let her meet my therapist or my boss." None of it really made sense, so I tried to ignore it even though I felt extremely frustrated.

The next day, she texted me saying she was driving by my appt, and how sad it is that she couldn't see me. I was home, and thought that was strange that she would be going by my apt since it's definitely not on her way from the hospital to her home — so either she was lying to see what I would say or she made her Uber driver go out of his way to drive by my building, which to be honest, kind of gave me the creeps... like I had a stalker or something. Anyway, I called her once I felt calm and capable, and explained that I had been making dinner, showering after the gym, etc, and she said "WOW that must have been a very long shower, hm? Or were you just avoiding me?" These bizarre responses are typical.

Friday morning, she asked me if she could see me this weekend. To be honest, I was exhausted from our recent exchanges and dreading seeing her, so I told her that Sunday I had church and a birthday party (all true) and Saturday I wasn't sure if I'd be able to meet up but I'd see if my BF could drive me by for a quick visit. I figured maybe it would make me feel better to just get my visit out of the way (she doesn't have any other friends or family in the area, so I have a lot of guilt) and keep it short.

Saturday, I woke up to a series of 8 or 9 text messages, voicemails and calls starting at 5:30 in the morning. It started with "Are you f*cking kidding me! You'll TRY to see me?" and ranting about how she couldn't believe I couldn't make time for her and how our relationship is on the line, and she thinks she should come to therapy with me, and it escalated to "DON'T come to my funeral NEXT WEEK." I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. Finally, that evening, after she texted me and called me a ton more times, I responded and said I really needed some space, and I was feeling hurt and exhausted from being attacked on a regular basis. I told her "I love you very much and, but when you send me these upsetting messages, it makes me not want to see or call you."

She must have read that message on Sunday morning, because from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, she texted me about 15 times — long, rambling, super desperate sounding messages repeating herself over and over pleading with me to call her, saying she NEEDS to see me to talk for the sake of our relationship, and how she wanted to "clear up any misunderstandings" and she herself was feeling hurt, etc. etc, begging me to meet up with her for one hour. I slept 4 hours the night before, I had a pounding headache, and I was so rundown I could barely keep my eyes open. So, I reminded her once again of my plans that day, let her know I wasn't feeling well and needed to rest after, but that we could talk this week. I also reassured her that I wasn't saying "our relationship is over" or "I'm never talking to you again." I explained that just because I'm hurt by her behavior doesn't mean I'm cutting contact. I even told her she'll always be my mom. I really thought all that would help, but it didn't. She continued to call and text, saying she "can't believe I am torturing her this way." "Why are you punishing me? I would never treat you like this." THEN she started calling and texting my boyfriend, too, asking him to "let me call her." Very weird, as if he's my keeper.

Finally, I woke up to more messages today, demanding I call her.

Needless to say, I'm so drained. I'm so sorry that was so much information, but I didn't know what might be pertinent and I wanted to give you a full picture of the scope of what's going on.

I think what bothers me the most at this point is that she blatantly ignores what I ask of her. She ignores my boundaries and she charges all over them. The fact that I told her yesterday that I wasn't feeling well and needed some room to breathe, and she not only completely disregarded that but became enraged that I wouldn't see her anyway — it made me very, very angry. It felt like she didn't care at all about my well-being, all she cared about was soothing herself by talking to me, and getting what she wants.

At this point, the more she bombards me with communication, the more I want to run away. But I do feel this deep sadness for her. On Friday, her oldest best friend Jane (who she's known since she was 10) texted me to inform me that she is cutting off contact with my mom. It was strangely validating to hear that she is fed up with dealing with her horrible messages, but also upsetting to know that now there's one less person in her life to help and be there for her. I don't know what to do anymore. I know she's lonely and I feel so much empathy for her due to all of her physical ailments. But I can't keep doing this anymore, it's now starting to negatively affect my relationship, my work, and my mental health.

Last time I took a break from contact for 4 or 5 days (I informed her I needed space and blocked her on my phone) it helped me to have some breathing room, though I felt a lot of guilt about it since she's dealing with a lot and doesn't have a lot of other people around to help. It was really just a short term strategy to regain some sanity. Again, she doesn't respect boundaries, so even if I try to take a break, it becomes impossible to fully enforce it. Any suggestions for maintaining my sanity, anyone?

I'm SO sorry that was so much information, but I didn't know what might be pertinent and I wanted to give you a full picture of the scope of what's going on!

[Harri]

Hi Songbird.

Ugh, that is a lot of messages and FOG  she is sending your way!  It can be so frustrating.  We get it here as so many us us do or have dealt with this sort of thing from our family member. 

This here: 

I think what bothers me the most at this point is that she blatantly ignores what I ask of her. She ignores my boundaries and she charges all over them. The fact that I told her yesterday that I wasn't feeling well and needed some room to breathe, and she not only completely disregarded that but became enraged that I wouldn't see her anyway — it made me very, very angry. It felt like she didn't care at all about my well-being, all she cared about was soothing herself by talking to me, and getting what she wants.

When people are upset, BPD or not, they will have a hard time seeing and hearing another person.  Add in BPD and it will be even more difficult.  Expecting a pwBPD to respect your boundaries while they are dysregulating is not going to work and will only lead to frustration for us. 

I think you have done well in terms of setting boundaries with her... it is just the execution is a bit off.    That too is something I can relate to.  I used to think my mother was violating my boundaries but in fact it was up to me to keep them in place.  Given my mother's issues, I was not being realistic in terms of my expectations for her to listen to them or respect them.

You ask how to hold onto your sanity.  A good part of that is to stop answering text and phone calls, to stop giving in and 'breaking your own boundary' by texting or responding back and reminding her of what you have said previously.   When we respond to calls and texts or other actions, we frequently are in fact reinforcing their behaviors.
See extinction bursts.  (be sure to read the OP and the first response that discusses Intermittent Reinforcement) too.  Then we can talk about it more if you want.   

I am linking the articles here because I think understanding boundaries, extinction bursts and intermittent reinforcement will help you take more effective action to help you cope better.  None of this is intuitive so I am not getting down on you about this.  Your mom's behaviors are difficult, frustrating and exhausting.  Let's see what we can be done at your end to change things up so that *you* are less distressed.   

Thoughts? 

[Songbird88]

Hi @Harri! That all makes SO much sense, thanks for including those resources.

I can see now that I have been accidentally offering intermittent reinforcement. I guess I didn't see it that way — because I would respond to just re-state what I already did about my boundary or whatever, but that's still reacting, and I can see how that would kind of hinder progress and confuse things. And you're so right, it's up to me to stick to my guns and reinforce the boundaries rather than expecting her to suddenly respect them.

There have been SO many extinction bursts lately... they used to happen once a month or so and now they seem to happen every week. For her, they last a couple days. I think the hard part is that she keeps trying new tactics, and some of them really do get to me. When she lashes out in anger and says hurtful things, I don't want to talk to her. But then in the same burst of messages she'll send me a selfie of her face puffy from sobbing, and it really makes me feel sad for her. It hurts so much to see that. I was raised with legitimately no boundaries, being an only child with a single mom, so when she feels things, it's very difficult for me to separate myself from those emotions. I feel responsible for taking her pain away, because that was very much my role growing up. Anyway, it's confusing to feel this empathy and sadness for her that can be so painful and then also this anger and resentment at how she's treating me. Sometimes I feel cold and cruel not responding to her or turning my phone off (or blocking her # when it gets really bad and her messages are making me very upset).

[Harri]

I can see now that I have been accidentally offering intermittent reinforcement. I guess I didn't see it that way

It is easy enough to do.  I don't find any of this intuitive really. 

There have been SO many extinction bursts lately... they used to happen once a month or so and now they seem to happen every week.

It is so common to see an increase in the unwanted behaviors.  It is at this point where it is absolutely vital to stick to your boundaries.   

When she lashes out in anger and says hurtful things, I don't want to talk to her. But then in the same burst of messages she'll send me a selfie of her face puffy from sobbing, and it really makes me feel sad for her.

Just wow about the selfie.  While I don't think it is deliberate on her part, can you see the emotional manipulation here?  I say i don't think it is deliberate because most pwBPD who have emotional dysregulation can not plan very well during a dysregulation.  They are simply acting on whatever they are feeling at the moment (abandonment, panic, fear, hurt...) and are reacting to it.  At that point, their feelings become facts to them.  So if she feels that you are being mean or do not care, then to her, you *are* being mean and do not care.

Granted, sometimes we won't care after bering verbally smashed to bits.   That is a normal reaction.  She won't see it that way.  As a matter of fact, I think most people when they are upset would not be able to see that *in the moment*.   What helps is to give them (anyone) time to return to baseline.  if we respond over and over that can not happen.

Now, there are some cases where boundaries just do not work and/or the abuse is so horrendous that this will not work.  I don't get the impression that your moms behaviors fall into that category though please correct me if I am wrong on that impression.

I was raised with legitimately no boundaries, being an only child with a single mom, so when she feels things, it's very difficult for me to separate myself from those emotions.

It is this way for many of us on this board.  Recognizing that this is not healthy and can be changed is a big part of healing.  Change will be uncomfortable and we will have a battle of sorts not just with our pwBPD but also within us.  Stay focused.  Remind yourself this is all part of the healing process and yes, it is hard and sucks however it will get easier over time.     Our roles can be changed with some work, the right mind set and understand us and our pwBPD's behaviors.