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Author Topic: Rough Day - Just Needed to Share  (Read 407 times)
gizmo7247
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« on: July 16, 2019, 09:59:27 PM »

Today was an unexpected rough day. I didn't sign her lawyers letter (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337869.0). I was with my attorney friend all weekend, out of town, and he helped me draft a response that basically said I want to be left alone, I'm trying to heal and this is just ripping open the wounds again. It turns out her family was talking to the lawyer too - I'm sure she told all sorts of crazy stories about me and got her family all worked up. Anyways, hopefully it's behind me now.

But I had a long ride home today, and it all kinda just hit me. I started imagining a letter I wanted to write to her parents. I know that's not a good idea, so I figured it was healthier to write it here. Honestly, you all are some of the only ones who could possibly understand what I am feeling. This is what I wanted to write:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. X,

You both always treated me with such respect and kindness. You always opened your home to me and made me feel part of your family. I will always cherish and appreciate both of you for that. This is all so sad to me. It has absolutely broken my heart. No, it has absolutely shattered it. Right or wrong, lies or truth - all I feel is how much everyone is hurt...and lost in all of it is how much love I have, still, in my heart for the both of you and for your daughter.

Mr. X - I remember the first time I met you all and came to your house. The football party you all were hosting. I remember being overwhelmed with so many new faces and people to meet, how most of your extended family was there. And I will never forget you always keeping an eye on me, and always pulling me into conversations or breaking away from whichever one you were having to talk to me when you saw me by myself. You were so genuinely kind and  inclusive towards me. I will never forget that.

Mrs. X - I will never forget you cooking me corned beef hash (out of a can) on my birthday. You'd never cooked it before, and you had no idea what it was or what to do with it. But your daughter had told you it's one of my favorite breakfast foods, and you wanted to make it as a treat for me on my birthday. You always did such thoughtful small things like that for me, and I will always be grateful for it.

It horrifies me that you think I abused your daughter. I understand she's your daughter and you'll always take her side, as you should. But it horrifies me nonetheless. I loved your daughter more than you'll ever know, in a thousand ways I could barely describe. You know what she struggles with, and while I can't imagine being a parent with a child suffering from bulimia - you can't imagine being in it with her every single day like I was. Maybe this could help convey how deep my love for her was:

I used to clean the toilet bowls at my house every single day, because it horrified me that she'd be purging in a dirty toilet bowl at my house, working from home, while I was at the office. Do you know how many times we were out to dinner with co-workers or friends, and someone would make a stupid bulimia joke at the table - and I'd just connect with your daughters' eyes, and try to carry the shame and pain with her? I used to make sure none of her trigger foods were at my house, and every time I went grocery shopping I used to only buy foods she liked and I knew were safe.

Cereal is a big trigger food for her. I forgot that I had an old tupperware cereal container filled with cheerios in a cabinet I never opened...it had been there forever. One day I was home alone and looking for a pan, and opened up that cabinet - and realized the container I'd forgotten about was almost empty. She'd obviously found it. I just sat in that kitchen for an hour and cried my eyes out. I felt so guilty, I felt like I'd let your daughter down. I never even told her about that, because I didn't want her to feel ashamed like I knew she would.

I know you never knew any of these things. I only share them with you because I know made a million mistakes, and I know I lost my temper and said things that hurt your daughter...but it shatters my heart to think that you don't know how much I loved her.

...

That's as far as I got with the letter in my head. My ex-BPD had extreme bulimia, the extent of which I was one of the only people who knew. I could spend the rest of my life trying to understand borderlines, but I'll never understand the feeling I felt with her - it wasn't just love, I truly have never been so concerned, worried or ever as deeply cared about another.

I don't hate her, I hate the disorder. She did horrific things to me, and broke me in ways no one else ever has. But I know somewhere inside of her she's a wonderful person who is in immensely debilitating pain.

Maybe it was sending that letter to her lawyer, finally hoping this is all behind me, that I can finally fully let go...maybe that's what brought all these emotions to the surface. I truly hope she gets help and finds some stability and happiness in life. I know I can't have her in my life anymore, but that doesn't mean I will ever stop worrying about her.

I don't hate her, but I hate BPD more than I've ever hated anything my entire life. It is such a cruel demon. I don't just mean for what I suffered from it, but also for what she continues to suffer from it.

Anyways, I just needed to write and share. Thank you to anyone who read this far.
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2019, 11:21:37 PM »

Hi gizmo,

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I think it was a good move on your part to not sign the letter from the lawyer. How did you find out her parents have been talking to the lawyer as well?

That was a lovely letter you wrote. I hope it helped you to get some of those thoughts out of your head. It's really hard when we grow to respect and care for people who may now have false perceptions of us that are negative. I understand hating the disorder, too. I still feel great sadness over my ex and how his life has turned out for him. Even though I know he is responsible for his choices, I also know that his choices would likely be different without the disorder. It is tragic.

I hope you can get some rest and take time to self-care. This is really hard, but we're here with you.

Redeemed
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gizmo7247
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« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2019, 11:45:57 PM »

Thank you Redeemed. I know it was just a rough day, and tomorrow will be better. It's so weird, I literally felt a physical lightness after sending the response to her lawyer today - assuming it was finally all behind me. And then a few hours later I was just overcome with these raw emotions. Maybe it was just a release.

When the lawyer initially called me he said he had been dealing with her initially, but then he had begun also talking to her dad. So I kinda knew all along. I agree, and so did my attorney friend, not to sign the letter. What we ended up drafting was a letter, with a few attached and supporting text message threads, refuting the claims - restating that I have not tried to contact her at all, and stating in words I wanted nothing to do with her or her family, not out of spite, but that I needed to focus all my energy on my own healing. One of the text message threads was pretty brutal to be honest - it was her detailing a night her father supposedly shoved her sister, she claimed she had to pull her dad off her sister, and her mother did nothing. In the thread she declares to me "and you wonder why I think all guys hit girls." My attorney friend suggested attaching it to make it clear she says all sorts of crazy things about everyone, and thought it would be a good tactic to get them to back off. Who knows if any of it actually happened - but it was a story she told to me, and of course I felt bad for her, worried about her and she got my attention through it.

Anyways, this is all such a disaster. I think that's why I felt so sad the rest of the day. I've found routine and consistency are my anchor these days. So when I got back home I went to the gym, meditated and then journaled. It was in journaling that I discovered something about my emotions.

I don't think the deepest elements of my sadness have anything to do with losing her - I think it has to do with feeling like I failed her. She's so hurt and feels so alone and isolated, and I felt so much responsibility towards her because she'd opened up to me so much. It's that feeling of failing her that roots all my sadness. Which I logically realize is absurd - it's textbook BPD, oversharing and bonding and putting me on a pedestal...and there's no way I could have lived up to it, or not let her down.

Think of the absurdity of it all. Here I am, deeply sad because deep deep down I feel like I failed her - and over there her parents think I only wanted to hurt her and abuse her. It's so absurd.

And I also recognize how unhealthy it all was. Relationships aren't about being responsible for someone - and she isn't my responsibility anymore. And again, it's textbook "rescuer" in me.

The silver lining in all of this is I'm learning more about myself, and actually putting in time to dig into my emotions and understand where they're coming from, so I can grow from this.

And the second silver lining is I won't have any shortage of things to talk about with my therapist tomorrow.

Thanks for listening Redeemed - it really is comforting to be able to express what's going on inside of me in a place like this where others can relate.



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HarborBP
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« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2019, 09:39:31 PM »

Excerpt
I don't think the deepest elements of my sadness have anything to do with losing her - I think it has to do with feeling like I failed her.

gizmo, You hit the nail on the head with your comment "...the deepest elements of my sadness have anything to do with...her".

I think those 'deepest 'elements' are the wounds within us that keep us emotionally attached to the abusive actions of the borderline.

Most of us who sought professional therapy as part of our healing were asked to explore our early days. For me that seemed not to be a difficult assignment and I learned a great deal from the subsequent discussion however; I believe I wasn't able to dig deep enough to uncover the basis for my tolerance of such persistent emotional abuse.

This revelation required intense reflection of the entire relationship over three and a half years. Not ironically to most of you, the hardest part was staying equally focused on her black side. Coming to grips with my culpability allowed me to stand before the mirror and understand a root cause that the therapist was unable to bring out. 

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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2019, 11:16:22 PM »

Very insightful, harborBP.

gizmo, I think you uncovered something very pertinent regarding the pain you feel. I understand the feeling that you failed someone who needs so much help. I think you logically know that you were not equipped to help this person, but your emotional side says "I should have, and I didn't". That narrative spins around and around and drives you nearly insane.

What makes us believe that we are responsible for another person? What makes us believe that if someone opens up to us about their internal struggles and emotional pain, that we are now obligated to fix it- we may feel compelled to make it all better, maybe even obsess over the details of how we should have/could have/would have/ if only___.

What makes us believe that rescuing is the natural or appropriate response to someone we love, even if the very person we want to rescue is also the person that is actively working the most against our rescuing?

For me, I discovered that I learned in childhood that other people's feelings were my responsibility. I was frequently told that my behavior "made" someone feel xyz. Then there was an expectation that I would do something to soothe those feelings.

I also discovered that I have a tendency to feel that I somehow have the power to guide someone into a healthier life, even if that person does not want to do what is necessary for that to happen.

I'm glad you will be talking this over with your therapist. Do you take your journal with you to therapy, or write down things you want to share so you don't get sidetracked? I had to do that some, because there was just so much that I needed to work on. Still do.

What helped for me was realizing that "failing" someone is an unfair statement to myself. I see countless stories on these boards of people getting absolutely stuck with the feeling that "I'm the healthier partner, I should be/should have done this, that, or the other, and been the supportive person my pwbpd needs/needed. The idea of what the pwbpd needs is often skewed into an idealistic view of some kind of "super supporter", kind of like the "super mom" ideal that a lot of mothers buy in to and then feel so much less than when they don't measure up to an unattainable standard. We set unrealistic standards for ourselves and our responsibilities and capabilities in the r/s, and then feel guilty when we can't live up to the impossible.

I think it is worth exploring with your T just where this belief comes from that you somehow failed another person for not living up to an idealistic standard. I think if you can root that out and understand it, you may be able to reverse some of the negative feelings you're having about yourself.

Redeemed


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gizmo7247
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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2019, 01:41:40 PM »

Thank you Habor BP and Redeemed.

I did talk with my T a lot about this yesterday. As painful as it is to sift through the emotions, in a way I was proud of myself for identifying that it was the feeling of failure, not losing her, that was the genesis of my sadness. And she asked me a pretty profound question I'd never thought of, "How do you know she wanted to be saved/helped?" I'd never really thought of that to be honest, it gave me a different perspective.

My T has immediately brought me into my early days, and the initial "wounding." She says it sounds like even at a young age I never felt my feelings were validated (I suffer from depression), and that I was used to that - so in this relationship with my ex-BPD, who NEVER validated my feelings and even made my feelings about her...it felt normal and comfortable to be. Of course reprogramming that is the hardest part right?

I'm an incredibly empathetic person, you could say even a healer of sorts - and I've dealt with all sorts of trauma in my life: suicides, rape victims, eating disorders, people who have been molested...they always seem to find me, and I always listen and try to validate their feelings. My T was really good at immediately identifying what most others don't - though I'm genuinely glad I can do this for others, in the process I take on their pain and it deeply hurts me.

She also was able to get me to identify two other pieces:

I prefer to deal with others trauma because it's a deflection from dealing with my own.

There's something going on in me where I only feel worthwhile if I have something to offer someone else - specifically when I can heal them, or make them feel safe and validated.

She really clung on to that second point, and gave me homework to think through that second point before our next session.

I guess in hindsight me and my ex-BPD were the perfect storm. There's so much trauma going on inside of her, and she desperately latched on to my ability to relate, understand and deeply care about it. And I, desperately seeking the need to feel worthwhile, found a limitless supply of trauma to try and "heal."

She reiterated to me that borderlines are almost impossible to have relationships with, and their prognosis is bleak - that very few of them even seek help, and fewer ever get better. That they live a life filled with pain and suffering. It made me so incredibly sad. She's not a bad person, and I've felt the pain she has inside of her - she doesn't deserve that life. But there's nothing I can do for her, and like my T said - who knows if she even wants anything different.

I told my T I also feel stupid. All my friends and family hate her for what she's done, and don't understand why I don't hate her. My T reminded me that they could never understand what I'm going through, and hate isn't a productive emotion.

...

Her lawyer responded to my letter today. He asked if I could include a few more points...but his tone has changed dramatically. It appears he also knows something's just not right about her. He even went so far as to give me personal advice that I should look back and ask myself why I put up with so much abusive behavior over 4.5 years. I think I'm going to politely respond with thank you, my letter is what it is - and reiterate that I have a lot of healing to do, and that's where I want to focus all my attention. I want her completely out of my life.

I don't want either of you to misinterpret what I'm saying. While I've genuinely never felt this sad in my life (and that says a lot for someone who has battled depression since I can remember)...I recognize this should be sad. But I also am committed to consistency (meditating, journaling, therapy and growing from this), and am genuinely optimistic and hopeful of who I can become through all this.

thank you both for listening and understanding.
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2019, 02:43:13 PM »

Oh, gizmo,   I relate to every single thing you said. I've struggled with depression for over thirty years. I had the same experience with not being validated as a kid, being drawn to others with serious issues, feeling worthy or valuable only if I can help someone else... I totally get it.

Yes, I think that is a very good question about how do you know she wanted to be saved/healed/fixed or whatever. I had to finally ask myself the same question about my ex. I realized that he isn't interested in healing. He is interested in someone else being responsible for every need he has. He is interested in a caretaker. That's very different from someone who is facing challenges but keeps trying.

Likely, her lawyer looked at the text evidence you sent and realized there's more going on than it first appeared. Perhaps her parents may eventually see through it, too. But I think you are very brave for looking at yourself and your own beliefs and thought patterns that kept you in the dysfunctional cycle. Reprogramming that can be tedious and challenging, but it is possible. I had some success with using EMDR therapy for reprogramming. I plan to start again in August.

Keep up the good work. You can get through this and I believe you are on a good pathway to healing.
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HarborBP
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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2019, 04:53:15 PM »

Gizmo, I completely agree with I Am Redeemed. Your response was excellent and I appreciate you eloquently sharing the lessons you've learned through therapy and self reflection. Abusive borderline behavior is anything but subtle. That we chose to endure it, sometimes for years on end, and then yearn for a return to the relationship once freed, says something profound about the issues within us.  At the end of the day we heal only when we accept the part we played in perpetuating the dysfunction.

It sounds to me like you're well on the path to resolving deep seated issues within yourself.

HarborBP 
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gizmo7247
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« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2019, 10:31:00 AM »

@Redeemed -
Thank you for your kind words? What is EMDR therapy? I believe my therapist practices BCT - she's been giving me homework after each session. Last week she gave me a form to fill out delving into why I only feel worthwhile when I have something to offer someone. That was a component that came out during our talk: why I feel the need to heal others, why I always go out of my way to help others, etc. So it's good that we're working through the "wound" and within myself.

@Harbor - also a very good point. Look, it's easy to blame her and say she's the one with the issue - but the reality is that I put up with it for so long. It's crazy looking back now at how dysfunctional it all was, but only NOW do I clearly see that. In the midst of it, it seemed "normal." And it makes me so sad for myself, for the person I was and still am to an extent, that I would accept any of that treatment or behavior as normal. Obviously there are self-worth issues within me, because as my first T said - most other people would never put up with that behavior. I now understand what he was getting at - stop focusing on her dysfunction and begin to understand why I accepted it, and once I can heal that piece - my life will be so much better.

Again, thank you both for listening and relating. This is going to be a long journey, there's stretches of good and of course stretches of bad days. For some reason the past two days have been a little down, but meditation has helped me identify that emotions come and go...instead of getting wrapped up and controlled by them, take a step back and accept them, be aware of them and observe them. Obviously easier said than done, and I have a lot of work there...but I'm getting better at it.
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2019, 01:34:11 PM »

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitizaton and Reprocessing therapy. The therapist uses a light, hand movements, or a series of "taps" while focusing on a memory or distressing situation which helps to "unblock" neural pathways and help you re-process the trauma. It's also been used to treat anxiety and even for smoking cessation.

https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing
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gizmo7247
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« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2019, 01:45:18 PM »

Ah, I think I have heard of that. I've been listening to the podcast "The One You Feed" a lot lately, and I think they mentioned it during one of the shows. He said it's shown to be highly effective.
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2019, 02:12:06 PM »

I noticed results after just a few sessions. I have been on a break since May because my T moved to a different place of practice and I am waiting to be approved for insurance (fingers crossed). But the few sessions I had seemed to get me unstuck. I was having a great deal of anxiety about a particular issue and one session of focus on that helped me get past it.
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