I feel trapped

[missanxious]

I have been married for 5 years to an undiagnosed BPD and we have a child together. For 5 years I didn't know there was a label to what he is. I just thought he is what he is because of me, I trigger such intense rage from him, I have been choked and verbally and emotionally abused. It's only recently that I googled "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" personality and came across Borderline personality disorder. I am not a therapist but the more I read about it the more I am convinced that my husband has almost all of the traits + a few narcissistic traits. Now that I have a label, I understand more of why he is how he is. I am loyal to a fault, and I don't want to break our family apart. But I can't stand being around him anymore. I have to constantly walk on eggshells for fear that I might say something that will trigger him and he goes into a rage. I fear for my life sometimes. I distanced myself from him and said to him, "if you are not happy with me and hate me so much, why don't you go and leave and find someone else". But he doesn't want to! He wants me to change my whole self to fit his mold and i guess he would rather be miserable with me than alone or start over. I asked for space to think and figure out what I really want and he says I'm too weak and I'm making excuses and I'm an evil person for not wanting to work with him. And now he is threatening that he will destroy me and take my son away from me. I feel so trapped! How do you choose between your mental health sanity and your husband?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear missanxious -

I’d like to welcome you to our community.  I’m glad you’ve found us, and very sorry for the pain and sadness that brings you here.

SAFETY FIRST.  That’s the position of everyone here.  Are you and your child safe?  The hair on the back of my neck stood up as I read your post.  Physical violence is NEVER okay.  Never.  It doesn’t matter what he says, accuses you of, what you witnessed during your childhood, nothing.  There is NOTHING happening in your home EVER where you “deserve” to have your husband lay a hand on you.  Please know that.

In our community we have many members (men and women) who’ve endured trauma, pain and injuries at the hands of their beloved uBPD (undiagnosed BPD) partners.  The color of that love can fade.  My 19-year marriage ended the night my ex-H threw me across the room.  My current uBPDbf would never raise a finger to me.

So that we can provide the best help possible for you, first let me say this is a very safe place for you to say whatever you need or want to say.  If you share the device you’re using, I’d advise you to clear your browsing history daily to stay on the safe side.

Okay, to you.  First - you are WAY STRONGER emotionally than he thinks you are.  You are WAY STRONGER than YOU think you are.   He doesnt need to know this.  Second, there are a LOT of communication tools on this site that you can try using to de-escalate things.  This basically means you want to stop making things worse with the words you’re using. 

Through the words that you use, and the way you respond to your uBPDH (undiagnosed BPD husband), you can bring the tone and the volume down quite a few notches and hopefully keep things from going off the rails.  There IS hope.

PwBPD need a LOT of validation, so we need to learn to NOT be invalidating.  They DISLIKE defensive talk, so we learn NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  These are some primary comm tools.  But we’ll address those in a follow up post, or you can read through the tools below.

But first, and again most vital.  The DV, Domestic Violence.  Please talk a bit about this issue.  Is there something that generally brings this on?  When this happens, how do you behave, what calms him down and how does he behave after his violence?

Have you EVER reported his violent behavior to anyone?  A friend, family member, DV hotline, authorities? 

Have you ever gotten close to making a safety plan?

We do have members who have needed to exit for their own and their children’s safety.  I will try to get them to join the conversation, as they’re better equipped than I am on these matters.

Can you tell us a bit more about your overall situation- do you work outside the home?  Is he employed?  Alcohol consumption?  Substance abuse?  Do you have close family, close friends nearby?  Is your son well adjusted?  How is your uBPDh’s relationship with your son?  Is your H ever kind and loving to you? 

Please remember, your uBPDH was already ill and damaged when you met him.  You didn’t make him like this and you cannot “fix” him.  The only change can come from you and your behavior / language.  The communication tools are all based in kindness, so there’s nothing to be afraid of there.  It takes time, patience and practice.  And whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave, you’ll need the tools to co-parent.  Either way, you’ll likely have some type of long-term relationship with him, so you can only “win”.

Please look at the bottom under Domestic Violence, and then read through some of the Relationship Tools.  I look forward to getting to know you.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi missanxious,

I am glad that you are here 

Walking on eggshells out of fear of a rage and possible violent episode is very emotionally and mentally exhausting. I think it is very reasonable for you to have asked for space to sort through what is happening in your relationship.

Are you still living with your husband, or have you gotten some physical distance between you to help you process your situation?

If you have time, could you take a look at this assessment? This is called the MOSAIC and many domestic violence support services use this to help someone assess the level of danger in the relationship. Here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

We also have an article that details some of the ways to plan for safety while in a relationship with a partner who displays abusive behavior. The link to that is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Have you ever considered reaching out to a domestic violence crisis line or local services? You can call or chat online with a DV advocate 24/7 at https://www.thehotline.org/. You will not be pressured to make any decisions if you contact them, you can just talk with someone, ask questions, and get information.

I understand what it is like to feel great loyalty to those you love and to not want your family to be broken apart. I was there myself once.

Please post some more when you are ready. We are here for you and we will walk with you through this.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[missanxious]

But first, and again most vital.  The DV, Domestic Violence.  Please talk a bit about this issue.  Is there something that generally brings this on?  When this happens, how do you behave, what calms him down and how does he behave after his violence?

Whenever he feels criticized or questioned, even if its just an innocent question while we are discussing things, of course when you are discussing things it's normal to ask questions and feel out all the options before making a decision, right? Well in our case, I have to limit my questions and I have to make sure that my question doesn't set him off. I don't have a guide book and I don't know all his triggers, so how am I supposed to edit all my questions? Maybe it's safer to just shut up and say yes to everything he says without saying my opinion or asking questions to avoid any outburst? When we have an argument, my first tendency is to become defensive and explain my side, but this doesn't get me anywhere and when he gets really mad I would just say sorry then or cry. Usually after the episode he would say sorry when he's calmed down. But what is the use of saying sorry when it happens over and over again anyways? I am so tired of this dynamic!

Have you EVER reported his violent behavior to anyone?  A friend, family member, DV hotline, authorities?

No, because I'm too scared. No one knows what happens inside our marriage. He insists that nothing is wrong with him and he's not broken. He gets really enraged if I even mention anything to insinuate that. He said he only gets this way around me and I provoke him and he gets mad because I'm too stubborn and never listen to him. And that I am a terrible person. If I'm such a terrible person, why doesn't he leave then?

Have you ever gotten close to making a safety plan?

I am currently not with him physically. I brought my son with me out of town to think things through. But now that I am emotionally distancing myself and asking for space, he doesn't want to give it to me. His fear of abandonment must be kicking in high gear. He can't stand that I'm giving him the silent treatment. But I'm not doing this to punish him, I'm doing this for self preservation to avoid any fight and verbal abuse. Every time I see him name on my phone, I get anxious. I don't want to talk anymore. But he is so good in emotionally manipulating me and making me feel guilty. I have anxiety and ptsd I can't even deal with any though about safety plan or anything, I feel I'm too weak.

Can you tell us a bit more about your overall situation- do you work outside the home?  Is he employed?  Alcohol consumption?  Substance abuse?  Do you have close family, close friends nearby?  Is your son well adjusted?  How is your uBPDh’s relationship with your son?  Is your H ever kind and loving to you?

I am currently working at home/full time mom. He is not employed, he is running a small business and doing side gigs. He doesn't drink, only rarely. He smokes weed. He is a good fun father, and kind and loving when he is not triggered.

We are totally different. And at this point, I am so burnt out dealing with his ups and downs and rollercoaster of emotions, the blaming (he blames me for everything), the pushing and pulling (idealization and devaluation), the verbal abuse, the suicide threats, the guilt tripping. When he is mad he thinks I'm the devil incarnate and I don't deserve to live and I'm a waste of skin, but then after a while he would chat like nothing happened and would say he loves me. Like really?  I feel like I'm about to go insane. He says I focus more on the mean words but I don't think about how I am abusive to him. I acknowledge the fact that I am not his ideal woman and that I'm probably damaging him more by staying that's why I said he should just leave if I can't make him happy anyways. But he refuses to. How do I leave when he doesn't want me to and would threaten me that he will destroy me or commit suicide. And even if I did leave, how do I co-parent with someone who hates me for leaving him and I'm scared of what he will do when he knows it's over between us. I just feel so lost. I don't want to involve the police or my family, I just want us both to amicably split. But I don't even think that's possible. When he is in his good moments he would say he just wants to see me happy even if it means I end up with someone else. But other times, he doesn't want us to end. I am at my wit's end! I just want peace of mind and start over.

[Harri]

HI.

Thanks for sharing more info.

I am glad that you and your son are safe at the moment.  When was the last time he was physically violent with you?

I know it is hard to talk about and share this stuff so it is great you are doing this here.  I also know that the best thing you can do for yourself is to get some light on this by talking with trusted people.  Have you had a chance to call the hotline?  Or even take the MOSAIC?  The MOSAIC will not tell you what to do but it will give an idea of the level of threat.  Knowing that can be helpful.  Why don't you take it and let us know your score?  You can answer a few questions and then go back to it so you do not have to do it all in one sitting.

We can help you and support you as well in terms of helping you learn the skills Gems talked about.   They can help you cope and can reduce the possibility of escalation sometimes.

Fo now though, how about reaching out to the DV hotline at least?  They can direct you to some local resources.  Just call and see what they have to offer and then let us know here.

 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear missanxious-

Thank you for answering what you could.  We are standing beside you, and just like you, MANY of us arrived here very confused, loyal to a fault and consumed with PTSD. 

Being involved in these intense relationships can completely erode your self worth, but please know... you are NONE of the terrible names he calls you.   We can tend to feel like a mere shadow of the person we once were, but that feeling is NOT permanent, I assure you my dear friend.  And I speak from experience. 

When we arrive here, we are often in a state of “FOG” - FEAR, OBLIGATION and GUILT.  I believe that’s where you may be... (I was when I arrived).  Please look at the bottom of this page: RELATIONSHIP TOOLS, MORE TOOLS, and then 2nd page, Section 5.09 FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  Someday I’ll learn how to do links!

Reading through this information will help you better understand why you feel the way you feel right now; and will hopefully ease your mind a bit. 

What you’re doing right now through this therapeutic separation from your H is an extremely healthy and very STRONG action on your part.  And completely opposite of being “weak”.  Please see that.  You can keep that to yourself.  At this time, you’ve nothing to “prove” to your husband.  Are your family members aware of this separation?  How were you able to facilitate this move? 

Okay.  Now back to it... SAFETY FIRST.  At all costs.

I’d like to reiterate a few things that we’ve recommended. 

First, I know you’re scared, and I am so so sorry... but if there is one friend or family member who can hold a confidence, please consider telling her or him what you’ve been enduring inside your marriage.

Second, it will benefit you and likely give you some comfort to begin to gather a bit of information from the DV people about available services.  So making initial contact with the hotline can be very empowering.  I failed to do this for myself and that was a mistake.  I still regret this and have trouble forgiving myself, for what I did to ME. (Still working on that forgiveness)

Third, when you can, please try to complete the Mosaic assessment.
 
I know we’ve thrown a LOT of information and “assignments” at you.  It is overwhelming, I know.  Do what you can when you can.

Missanxious- it takes a lot of unraveling of emotions, pain and fear, but we can help you work through this.  And it is a GREAT thing that you have taken space for yourself and your precious child.  I’m hoping you can maintain your distance no matter how your H tries to steer you back to him.  Move yourself OUT of the FOG.  That is KEY.

When I was feeling my worst, when HE did his worst I would say out LOUD to myself  “I have to remember I feel like this”; because I would disassociate his “awfulness” and completely forgive the unforgivable.  It was so dangerous and unhealthy.

As I’ve said earlier, you are much stronger than you think, and soon you’ll come to see this.

You are so strong, beautiful and worth every ounce of effort. 

Please keep talking to us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[missanxious]

How do you tell someone that he might have bpd? Or do you tell them? My husband doesn't think anything is wrong with him, he is convinced that EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING that went wrong in our marriage is MY FAULT. I caused all the misery and I am to blame for everything. He says I should apologize for everything I caused. I did apologize, countless times, but it is never enough. I made a lot of mistakes too, I'm only human. But to be held accountable for those mistakes every single time we fight and be made to feel like I'm a terrible person and EVIL for making those mistakes, I find that so hard to handle. No matter what I do, he will never see his part, I guess, on why our marriage is falling apart.

[T-Law]

My wife believes the same thing. She believes all of the unhappiness she experiences in her life is my fault. She is completely unable to acknowledge her own issues. She has no friends (zero) and she actually told me last night it was my fault she has no friends.

[missanxious]

My wife believes the same thing. She believes all of the unhappiness she experiences in her life is my fault. She is completely unable to acknowledge her own issues. She has no friends (zero) and she actually told me last night it was my fault she has no friends.

Sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. How do you deal with it then?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear missanxious-

There is strong reasoning AGAINST telling a partner you believe they have BPD.  This “disclosure” can completely backfire on you and come across as blaming and accusatory, which is the complete opposite of your desired goal, which is obviously to help your H.

Please go up to the TIPS tab, and scroll down to “partner or spouse with BPD”.  Then read through the topics on that page to gain important insight.  One very helpful article is about getting your partner into therapy; and this is where the advice AGAINST the BPD disclosure is discussed.

I’m very glad you’ve come back to our site.

Have you been able to take the MOSAIC assessment yet?

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes