first post husband with suspected bpd

[bpdwife1000]

My husband has been struggling for years and his psychiatrist can't figure him out. so far he's diagnosed with adhd and atypical depression (because he is not always depressed - it comes and goes)  Reading up more online I think he is totally bpd but he doesn't know it.
Life is a roller coaster - sometimes he is a great husband and father and sometimes (like now) and it usually is triggered by a stress in life)  he is so impossible to live with. - my kids are suffering now as he is making the house crazy.

an example of something I am having a hard time with.  Yesterday I went out to a dr. appointment.  A friend in the area of my dr.  called me and said she has time and would like to meet me.  I called saying I was meeting her and went out with her.   When i came home a few hours later my husband was locked in his room and fuming.  He was angry at me as if I cheated on him.  All i did was go out with my girlfriend shopping for 2 hours.   He says she's not good for me as she takes my time.
I dont' go out a lot with friends but I see it's super important for me.  Especially when my husband is not doing well and I get very lonely.   

any suggestions in the best way to deal with him when he's like this?  He does not realize he has bpd.  When I tried to talk to his psychiatrist she couldn't speak to me for confidential laws - but she only hears his side of the story.     - and when he's down he will talk about me as if I abuse him.   (and I have been giving him so much unconditional love and care but I'm torn if this is even helping anything)  We do have good times together - but life is a big roller coaster.

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[Ozzie101]

Hello bpdwife1000! Welcome to the family!

Your story is not unfamiliar to us here. In fact, it rings a lot of bells for me. I, too, have an undiagnosed BPD husband (or, I suspect he has it -- ultimately, it doesn't really matter since what's important is the behaviors). I know that roller coaster well. For months, I was walking on eggshells, almost afraid to do or say anything for fear it might set him off.

Good for you for going out with your friend!  People with BPD often feel threatened by their loved ones' family and friends. This board is full of stories of people who ended up cut off from people who loved and cared about them because they were trying to please their pwBPD. Keep doing the things that are important to you. Keep up the self-care. It's vital that you look after yourself so you can be better equipped to handle your H and take care of your children.

I'm sure you've been giving him unconditional love. But here's the thing with pwBPD: They're like a bucket with a big hole in the bottom. You can try and try to fill it up but it will never be full and, in the process, your own bucket ends up empty and you're exhausted from the effort. That's why self-care is important.

My advice to you when he gets like this? Let him handle his emotions and feelings. Be empathetic and validating but don't cave or coddle.

Another thing is, for pwBPD, what they say they're upset about is sometimes not what they're actually upset about. It helps me to really listen to what my H is saying and try to get at the root of what the REAL problem is. For instance, in a case like this, your going out with your friend could have made him feel threatened and triggered his fear of abandonment (assuming he has that -- most pwBPD do). Does that mean you shouldn't go out with your friend? Absolutely not! But it would give you some clues in how to communicate with him effectively about this.

We have some very good articles that might be useful to you. Have you seen these yet?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

I hope you'll take a look and let us know what you think. And keep posting!

[bpdwife1000]

^{You can try and try to fill it up but it will never be full and, in the process, your own bucket ends up empty and you're exhausted from the effort. That's why self-care is important.}


this is where I am not holding.

i've been reading this forum all day and I see my response was wrong.  My response was -  I love you and care about you and if it bothers you so much I will drop the friendship.  but in reality that is not what is good for me - not sure how to fix at this point.   There might be some jealousy of the friend but it's so important for me to have some time with a friend now - especially when my husband can't support me emotionally now and he's in a real down now. (and i never know how long it will last)  in his downs he really is a scary person to live with.

[Ozzie101]

Your response was the sort of one I gave early on during my H's dysregulations. But, you're right. It's not a good or healthy response -- for you or for him. You do need your support system, now more than ever, and that means keeping up those friendships. It's so important for you not to become isolated.

One thing I've really struggled with is boundaries (covered in the article I linked before). That's something that really comes into play here.

If you don't mind sharing, what makes him a scary person to live with?

[bpdwife1000]

scary and stressful because he is an angry person and everything frustrates him and gets him upset so easily (when he is in his downs)   - and he wishes suicide though I don't think he really do anything but it's scary.

he is trying to treat his ADHD but after reading the book "stop walking on eggshells." and reading this forum and others I highly suspect BPD - I don't think I can tell him this.

[Ozzie101]

Your instincts are right -- don't tell him.

And I know what you mean about the suicide mentions being scary. My H talked about it a couple of times, though I knew he wouldn't actually attempt it. (He just got out a bunch of pill bottles and opened them and said he was going to take them. I didn't play along and he moved on.)

When he gets upset, how does that usually go? Details can really help us get the full picture.

[once removed]

what they're actually upset about.

piggybacking on this, it can take some skillful listening to get to the crux of what is really bothering your partner.

it could be that he wants to know such things in advance (and/or maybe he had other ideas). it could be that he felt left out. it could be that he didnt know the person you hung out with. it could be that he was suspicious that who you hung out with wasnt who you said it was. it could be because hes jealous, and he wanted your attention at that moment.

any suggestions in the best way to deal with him when he's like this?

listen carefully. ask validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0). getting to the crux of it will both help him feel heard (which is often at least half the battle) and give you a clearer sense of how to go forward - solutions.

[bpdwife1000]

thanks for your help
I think he is jealous of the friendship as he said she takes up too much of my time. (we do speak almost daily)  but it is crucial to me.  Especially since my husband can't support me emotionally.   I am also at the end of a pregnancy and having a hard time but I can't complain to my husband at all so it's so crucial for me to have someone that I can and that will give me empathy.

this down was triggered as I am having trouble with 2 of my children which is not getting resolved as with him a down it makes everything worse.  It's all one big cycle.   I told him last night that if we have trouble with the children we need to work together  - which he sees but he automatically blames me when anything goes wrong and then I end up being the bad one. 

I'm glad I found this forum - thanks for your input.

[once removed]

we have a workshop here on problem solving models. it can be a game changer, if we learn to apply the principles broadly: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331852.0

I told him last night that if we have trouble with the children we need to work together  - which he sees but he automatically blames me when anything goes wrong and then I end up being the bad one.   

can you give us some examples?

[bpdwife1000]

can you give us some examples?

ok one of his biggest triggers is when we have an issue with one of the children  - and i'm always to blame  - it's my lack of consistency or because I didn't do something with them.
I am very good mother and I am the more consistent one though he seems to be blind to that.

[once removed]

what does he blame you for? what does he accuse you of being inconsistent about?

the more detail, the more we can help.