I am the family Scapegoat now what?

[Cloudy009]

I have finally found the answers in that I am the family scapegoat for my BPD NPD Mom and possibly NPDDad.

Most of what happened to me bellow happened while I was the shyest most loving child in the world now looking back which is crazy. As a teenager it turned to pain and I would just chain smoke and hide in the corner reading.

I was blamed for ruining my older half brother's life for being born. He has always called me  "creepy" " weird", "crazy." like my Mom was to him. She abused him. His Mom abandoned him. Again all this was made my fault.

My Dad would call me "nasty" every day in high school and call me by my mother's name.

My younger brother the golden child could do no harm.

My Mom physically abused me and sexually assaulted me when I was 12. I moved out and my father while hating on me had me sue her so her whole family started calling me "evil" and "bad" . Even though my Mom has shown bad behavior they still bully me and shun me to this day anytime my grandmother convinces me to come to family functions.

My sister follows what my Mom taught her and puts me down until I get mad and then she calls me a "bully" and cuts me off for months and convinces my other siblings I'm a bad person.

Never mind I was put in the roll of mother caretaker by my grandmother and aunt for as long as I can remember and told to take care of my Mother and siblings so even though my siblings have gone on in life they also treat me as the scapegoat and seem to have no problem putting me down and living their own rich lives.

 I eventually had a nervous breakdown which my mother loved and she likes to say I'm just like her so I either get placed with her bad behaviors as always and shunned or people think I'm so terrible of a daughter and she has been through so much so its my fault.

My Mom says my dad wanted to abort me. So thats why he hated me even though he went on and married her and had two more kids. He was married to another women when I was born and my Dad broke boundaries with my Mom having an affair with her. I rather not say how but I consider my conception and assault even though my Mom does not but I believe her whole family does and thats why they have no problem blaming me for everything.

I still have a hard time believing there is not something wrong with me. My internal self is destroyed. I feel I must suffer.

As I've read the scapegoat ends up taking on this role in other parts of their lives. I've def. ended up in abusive relationships with others with NPD BPD and let them abuse me and start smear campaigns to everyone I would meet with them so I was isolated. It was so hard to believe at the time how anyone could be just like my Mother.

I also found myself bullied lots at school and work but that was because I could barely speak but people still pick up on this and don't treat me right.

Everything I've read about scapegoats is so on exact to my reality. I've also always been the truth teller as they say the scapegoat is.

What now though that I know this. How do I protect myself from not ending up in this role in life anymore? How do I build my inner self esteem not to think there is something wrong with me?

Do I confront my siblings and family members with the role I've been playing as the truth teller or do I walk away as it says most scapegoats do.

I feel like I've dedicated my whole life to caring about this huge family on my Mom's and Dad's side who just continued to bully and abuse me and now I have to walk away with nothing.

I'm 40 and have no family of my own. While they get to go on and live their lives and have each other. I'm so angry and I'm really wondering what the point in life was of being put through this for so long?

Once you figure out you're the scapegoat then what? I wish I figured this out at 20 and left and built my own life.

[Harri]

Hi Cloudy.

What you describe is quite difficult and heartbreaking really.  I am sorry you had those experiences and i am glad you are working on this now.  It is never too late.  I am someone who chose later on to break away from my family.  I lived with my parents until my mid to late 30's.    I get it.  It is hard to look back and see all the time wasted and it is important to grieve that.  It is also important to accept that we made choices that made sense at the time based on what we knew otherwise we can spin our wheels with self abuse.

What now though that I know this. How do I protect myself from not ending up in this role in life anymore? How do I build my inner self esteem not to think there is something wrong with me?

You begin by making different choices.  By changing the tapes that run in your head.  One place you might want to start is with the label of scapegoat.  It is very important to understand the role you played and that was assigned to you so you can learn to see the way that imposed role affects you still and if it colors the way you see the world around you in addition to how you see yourself.  

It is a lot to unravel but it can be done.  Posting here can give you new perspectives, new vocabulary to describe your experience apart from what your family imposed on you.  You also work on this in therapy if you go (sorry, I forget if you are in T).

A lot of times we master learning what happened to us and do not spend enough time working on the result of those happenings, the actual wounds.  Doing that sort of work is, IMO, the way out of the role you were assigned and no longer want.  

I'm so angry and I'm really wondering what the point in life was of being put through this for so long?

Yes.  Your anger here is good.  Make your experiences count for something.  Use the anger to work on healing your wounds.  I still do some of this healing work while kicking and fighting every obstacle I encounter.  

For a while there my mantra was "I'll be damned if I let all of this be for nothing".

I still have a hard time believing there is not something wrong with me. My internal self is destroyed. I feel I must suffer.

Let's work on this.   Take a leap and say to yourself, whisper if you have to, "I have value and while I feel really bad, I am not destroyed as evidenced by my working on this and suffering is not a given in my life, not any more".

[Notwendy]

Wow, this is heartbreaking. I've been the scapegoat too but not quite to this extent. Still, it is so hurtful. When my father was angry at me as a teenager, he'd also call me by my BPD mother's name. I hated that. I didn't want to be anything like her. The golden child sibling could do no wrong, it seemed I could do no right. My mother blamed me for the issues between us and between her and my father. I honestly believed that when I went to college, they would be happy without me. This wasn't the case, they still had their own issues.

I understand wishing you could have figured this out sooner, but I think we all learn on our own timing. Your time is now. 40 is still quite young and it isn't too late to build a life where you have supportive people who care about you. We can do this at any age.

It's hard to not have these critical thoughts that were the thinking of our parents, but we can work on changing them. Have you considered counseling, support groups? Contact with a person (s) who can validate you and help you work through this could be helpful. I have done some work with this myself. I think it gets better, but also it's a work in progress. You can change this thinking.

If I were in your situation, I would do some of this before getting involved in a romantic relationship. I think many of us have entered them with low self esteem and this does put us at risk for accepting people who don't treat us well. This isn't forever though, you can seek this for yourself, but I hope you develop some self love first, it's essential.

I also think it is hard to find out who you really are when people have been defining you, and you've been focused on taking care of others. Time to take care of you. Seek out some hobbies, books, movies, favorite foods. Time to be your own best friend- and also seek out new friends.

[Cloudy009]

 Thanks guys.

I feel like I have BPD/NPD people all around me.

 I live in a somewhat small town and my ex boyfriend was def. NPD and would try to control me while telling me "We all know you have problems" in this creepy voice because he knew about my breakdown. He was very abusive and manipulative and would use his large friend base to control me would show off from them and call himself a healer and act super loving then behind closed doors he was a monster and would tell me how to act, what to dress like, Sexually manipulate me. Tell me in a creepy voice to "be nice" even though I was being nice all the time but if I was eating something and wouldn't give him half. He often ate all my food and if I didn't share he would call me a "mean" person but I couldn't afford to give him everything even though I tried to reason with him or try to say we could split groceries there was no agreeing he just said I was mean for not sharing everything I had. When I would eat something he would tell me "go ahead keep eating so you get fat and you won't break up with me." He would suddenly start masturbating when I tried to leave. Say "its ok if you hate my friends" which I never did then  give me article of how to act around them. He knew I wanted to be friends with them but he liked the control. I eventually had to separate from all of his friends as I was terrified of him but again its a small town and everyone knows everyone. Thats not the worst of it but thats some of it.

I feel like these manipulative people are a theme in my life. I kept my best friend from high school in my life for years too long. She was highly toxic. She used to steal friend's purses. She would have her boyfriend of the week make fun of how I look until I cried and she would sit there and laugh. So much bad stuff. As adults she started telling me how much she loved me and would invite me to her parents farm so I would go but she would tell me how her boyfriend who repairs elevators would help lock people in there for fun. She would call me for hours and keep me on the phone to nurture her each time she had a fight with her now ex husband for years even though she would also call for support each time she was sleeping with another guy for fun. Often they were married with kids. She would put people down for their looks or dating other races. I always just stuck by her though trying to hope she would be a more loving person but it was always about her. Eventually since she was saying she loved me I told her I had a breakdown and I guess thats all she needed. She dropped me as a friend. I told her all of the horrible things she had done which I shouldn't have and I know she started some smear campaign against me because the large group of girls I stayed in touch with from High School started deleting my comments on social media and she would post a meme of a kid jumping up and down under or they all just ignore me now which is crazy these are all 40/41 year old women but who knows what she is telling them. I have these people in my life from all angles.

My sister as I mentioned says cruel things to me and then when I get mad she claims I bully her which is something my Mom taught her. She runs to my brother who then asks how I can be so mean to her.

I've tried to talk to my brother the golden child because he was there for me when I had a breakdown about the abuse as a kid but he just asks if I think I had it worst and tells me I just hold grudges with people and why do I care about something my parents did 20 years ago.
He tells me I'm a loser for using the internet for support and he doesn't know why my therapist is talking about this stuff with me that she should be helping with my future.

I do see a therapist but its hard as I was put on benzos years ago when I had a breakdown and came off of them 6 months ago. They cause anger coming off of them and then bringing all of this to head in therapy is causing a ton of anger but also frustration that all of these people continue to smear me like my parents and I have no one left. On top of it I had a breakdown so they all just like to call me crazy or like when I told my uncle about the abuse as someone suggested. He told my grandmother not to listen to me. Everyone all around me hates me and has shut me out of their lives as if I'm the problem.

I really don't like this feeling of everyone manipulating everyone I love or want to know against me. I want to go out and meet knew people or reconnect with some friends who are still around it seems but everyone knows everyone again and I'm like whats the point.

Not Wendy

Thats horrible your father also called you by your mother's name. Thats the first time I heard someone else say that. It's def. creepy on a whole other level.  I'm so sorry that happened to you too.
I am in a relationship I've been in on and off for 20 years. He had drinking problems early on, left me at one point for another girl, has anger issues and yells and curses lots but its one somewhat loving person in my life who knows me and at least doesn't manipulate me.

Oh his Mom broke us up one time years ago. She convinced him to break up with me when we were staying with her and I told her he was an alcoholic on the mend. I left and she bought him a cooler outside his room in her house and kept it full of alcohol so he drank himself away all day and was peeing on the floor. She was also inappropriately sexual with him his whole life. She walks around him naked and in see though underwear and talks to him about her sex life among other things. She would say things to me like oh I always wanted a daughter and then would take me out to buy me something and say " I don't trust my son to marry you." Last time I saw her we were staying at her house. She was trying to manipulate everyone for us to live there with her forever. Thats how she wants her son living with her under her control. Her other son is in jail for brutally murdering her parents in their sleep. I finally told her it was inappropriate  for her to be naked around her son and to keep telling me I was fat as she kept doing because I put weight on. I should have never stood up to her because I ended up having to apologize which she didn't accept and has given me the silent treatment ever since and now asked my finace every time she talks to him if he's gonna stay with me or keep putting up with my bullPLEASE READ.

I feel like these people are all around me. I can't get them out of my life and I'm cornered now with nobody left. Because I suffered so much abuse as a kid I barely spoke. I have always been considered shy and soft spoken but I'm starting to think I actually love being around lots of people but I feel so isolated and I'm afraid of letting more bad people into my life.
This is not all the stories but some main ones.

The funny thing is I was able to develop a strong sense of self and I know what I like and dislike. I do feel like I was an underachiever in school and life with my interests because my time has been taken up so much by trauma.

Yeah I really want new friends but I'm so sacred of this playing out over and over again. Maybe this is just my lot in life is to get controlled and smeared by manipulative people when all I want is love.

I really don't know what to do with my sibling dynamics. Thats the hardest to walk away from especially because I was made so young to feel like my life was to be all about them and I can't even fix their view of me and my sister's pattern of acting out and then cutting me out of her life and running to my brother.

What do I do with all of this anger? How do you cannel it? I really wish it would go away and I would just cry about this stuff instead. Coming off of benzos is making it so much worse. I wasn't even supposed to be this med. When I had my breakdown my brother's girlfriend at the time went with me to the doctor and told me to tell them I had anxiety at the time to get the pills because she liked to abuse them. I didn't know until I was taking them for years and we got into an argument and she said "sorry I got you hooked on those pills which make you angry" She also then turned everything around on me and cut me off but she actually told me at one point she was diagnosed with BPD. She def. had some traits looking back even though she was well off and educated.

I just don't get how these people keep ending up in my life. Like is there some life lesson like they say that keeps presenting itself as they say until you learn it?
Like I wanted nothing more than a fiance with a loving mother and family which I never had but nope more of the same.
I almost dated a guy because his Mom was so nice to me once.

Thanks for your help guys! I needed to vent some of this to someone because feeling so alone with all of the craziness makes me feel nuts. Especially because it keeps happening. I do havea few friends in my life I could try to build a better friendship with some live closer than others but I don't want all this garbage to come spilling out and it seems to be consuming my thoughts these days because all of it has piled up at this point.

[Notwendy]

Do you see a common theme here? Your mother mistreated you and now so do the people in your life?

A while ago I had people in my life like this. Sometimes a friend would just start yelling at me. I had no idea why. Then one day I asked - why are you yelling at me and she said " because I can".

When we are raised as scapegoats, we can take on that role with others. Why? It's familiar, it's how we grew up with people relating to us.

The good news is that we can change that. For me it took counseling and 12 step groups for co-dependency and ACA ( which includes dysfunction even without drug or alcohol use).

It takes work, but people don't just yell at me for no reason. My mother has not changed but I have boundaries with her. When your boundaries get better- the people who need to bully others will either move on or stop bullying you.

[Cloudy009]

Notwendy  Thanks so much for responding. I didn't realize how much I wrote until I posted it.
I will ask my therapist about 12 step groups for co-dependency and ACA.
I guess thats a good point I give people my everything and let them walk all over me. I do have strong boundaries in place with my mother. I used to get pulled into her arguments and chaos more until a therapist finally told me she sounds borderline. Thats when I found this site years ago under a screen name I forgot but it helped a ton with her. Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells was like a literal tool book with how to handle her and her behavior.

[zachira]

You are coming to terms with the fact that you are the family scapegoat and are wondering how to change your relationship with your family so that you are treated with respect and care. Know that you are not  alone in wondering how to stop being the family scapegoat, and that there are many people who have discovered later in life than you have that they are family scapegoats. I l was considerabley older than you when I realized that I was the family scapegoat. On both sides of my family, there are children of many generations who have been chosen to be the scapegoat while others are the golden children who can do no wrong. You are now probably able to realize that you are the scapegoat and desire change, because you are more aware and feel safe enough to face what is going on. It is one step at a time. First surrounding yourself with people who treat you with respect and staying away from those who don't can help you to start feeling better and more able to set healthier boundaries with your family members. Can you tell us about experiences you have had with people you feel genuinely appreciate you and how that is different from being with your family members and  other people who treat you the way your family does? We are here to listen and support you. Do keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Cloudy009]

zachira thanks for the response. While I haven't had lots of people or friends that I've got to hang out with as an adult who are kind and tell me I'm loving I do have old friends like that from High School on social media that have wanted to reconnect so when I'm ready. I wasn't close with most of them. I was very shy in school but they did know me to an extent and know what kind of person I am.

They are different from my family or the toxic best friend I let close all my life or the bad boyfriends I let in because I know they are smart caring people who won't put me down or tell me I'm ugly and stuff.
I guess part of me fears letting healthy people in like there is something wrong with me or once I get close they won't like me anymore. I'm scared they will discard me like some girls who weren't so nice to me I let into my life.
I have very bad self esteem I'm working on in therapy and I'm very sensitive to rejection.
I guess the healthy ones have their lives together it seems so people with unhealthy boundaries who live on the fringes of society in a way are easier to accept into my life and accepted me fully so it felt comfortable.
I did move back to my hometown recently and that mixed with therapy and some other stuff is really hitting heavy all at once.
The last state I was living in I was taking art classes and boy did that build up my personal confidence. Not that I was a great artist but I was part of a community of women artists who I could talk to about stuff. We had shared interests. Even though I think I had very different political view than them I didn't judge them for this or me them because I found they all seem to still have good hearts and treated me with respect. I still get told they miss me and talk about me often which really means lots to me and keeps me going because they accepted me and were never cruel to me. They never tried to tell me as my family or horrible ex boyfriend would that I'm a bad person or I'm flawed in some way or put me down physically as many people have done.
I really feed off of loving people like that when I find them and it helps build my strength.  I know I'm stronger than this sometimes but I lose confidence easily.

[zachira]

Surrounding yourself with healthy people can be scary yet very rewarding. At first it can be challenging because they act in ways we are not used to, and give honest feedback about how we are interacting with them, though the feedback is usually constructive and positive. I am glad you are thinking  about getting together with some of the nice people you have known in the past.

[JNChell]

Hi, Cloudy009. Fellow scapegoat here. Not that that’s a nice way to meet, but you’re met by a peer that understands. It can be a bit overwhelming when we start to realize everything. We start to put the pieces together. The more that our “real thoughts and feelings make sense to us”, the more overwhelming it becomes. It will get easier.

I really tackled my healing and understanding when I was 40. 42 now and I’ve made a lot of improvements in my life.

I’ll echo and agree with the idea that we were treated badly by our parents and that is what we became attracted to.

My Son is 4 and it’s really something to see how he mimics me at times. He’s learning and absorbing. My little guy depends on me to show him the way. It’s made me realize how much of an impression we have on our kids.

The dysfunction can be multigenerational. Passed down from family unit to family unit. You’re self aware which is a big deal coming out of a disordered family unit. It sounds like you would like for the dysfunction to stop with you. I’ve read countless testimonies where a family member finally said that “this is enough “ and took proper measures to break the generational cycle.

I’ve removed friends, or so I thought, along the way. Like you, I kept people close to me that weren’t in my best interests.

Feeling like everyone around you has a personality disorder is fairly normal when we’re coming out of a relationship with that dynamic. Rest easy. Maybe you’re feeling hyper vigilant. After experiencing abuse or trauma, it’s a normal feeling.

Your situation sounds like a very difficult one.

Scapegoats are strong because they had to be. They typically end up with a better perception of reality than most people. They’re typically the fiercest friends and most loyal companions to those that are honest. They’re typically stronger than the golden child. Emotionally.

You’ve identified that toxic people have had passage to too much of you. You’re exhausted and sad and you’re beating yourself up. Can you list two things that you’d like to remove from your day to day life that would increase your happiness?

[Cloudy009]

JNChell I'm sorry you were a scapegoat too. So amazing you were able to recover and have a kid of your own.
I wish I had figured this out years ago so maybe I could have had a family but here I am.
There is so much I would have done differently if I figured this out years ago.
Its not even that I want to stop the dysfunction here as a choice. I'm suffering so much from it I have no choice but to deal with it as I feel so in the thick of it at this point in my life.

I don't know what I can get rid of as much as add and that is healthy boundaries so I'm not asking too much from others and letting their bad behavior define me but addressing it head on and not tolerating it but also not harping on it. Easier said than done. If you have any suggestions let me know.

[JNChell]

Cloudy009,

I wish I had figured this out years ago so maybe I could have had a family but here I am.

I understand your thoughts. I’ve said right here on this board that I wished that I could’ve caught this stuff sooner in life. If we could have, we would have. Yeah? It’s never too late to build a family unit. Doesn’t have to be genetic. Best friends are family. It’s how we approach it and what we make of it. I’m not trying to place a lot of heavy stuff on you, just some thoughts.

I’m not quite recovered yet. I still have a ways to go.

I would’ve done a lot of things differently as well. The thing is, we weren’t taught to say no or negotiate our way through whatever showed up. We were taught to obey an unpredictable environment.

Don’t be afraid to ask too much of others. Just be aware of who you’re asking. You already know from experience who you can’t ask. That brings you pain every time. There is someone that you can confide in. 

[JNChell]

I think boundaries are a good thing to focus on.

[JNChell]

Boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Book
https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/understanding-borderline-mother

Here’s an audio link that Harri provided some time back.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL94j5ECCzW1frzUVZtYclBrzjOv7OpujU

[Cloudy009]

JNChell great! thanks!