How to just be and not get pulled into a BPD outburst

[Timmy2012Sydney]

From what I have read the BPD person may want you to get as out of control as them to make you feel as bad as they do.. any tips to not engage?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Timmy2012Sydney,

 Welcome to the community! We're glad you are here.

At the top of this board you will find a thread that says HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. Within that thread there are many articles on communication tools and tips to help you deal with your BPD loved one. One of the articles is called Arguing: Don't Engage. Perhaps that will help a little with answering your question.

I hope you will settle in, read and respond to others' posts here, and I think you will find that you are not alone. You have found a place where others understand. We get it here.

Again,

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Timmy
I join Redeemed in welcoming you to the group. You ask a very important question. What helps me to not take my son's outbursts personally is reminding myself he is acting out of pain not hatred. In other words it is desperation not malice. This helps me to be both compassionate and lovingly detached from the drama. At least most of the time. What do you think works for you?
Again. We are glad you are here.
Hugs
Faith
 

[livednlearned]

Do you feel comfortable sharing an example so we can help walk with you through a dysregulation?

What are some things you've tried?

[Huat]

Hello and welcome, Timmy2012Sydney.

From experience I do know how it feels to have the verbal barbs thrown in my direction.  It is so natural to want to throw some back and defend myself.  For sure that just added fuel to my daughter's fire, to say nothing of what then happens with my blood pressure.

It really was an eye-opener for me when I read about "J-A-D-E."  Basically, that is NOT to...Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain...when conversations start heating up.

Practice makes perfect, Timmy2012Sydney.  Changing habits doesn't come easy but once you start to feel the benefits that come from change, the more and more empowered you will become to make other changes.

Huat

[Swimmy55]

I would like to add a further step to JADE.   My son would then take to following me around the house yelling and getting more dysregulated.  Sometimes they are hell bent on a fight no matter what.  So you may have to either leave , or call 911 even ( if they become violent or threatening ).  I had an agreement with my adult son at the time that whenever he starts raging, I will vacate.  That worked for a while until he just got too sick and dysregulated / drug addled.

[FaithHopeLove]

This information about extinction bursts may help. Basically what happens is people with BPD (and others) sometimes react to new boundaries by acting out and really testing the limits. If you still stand strong they will come to accept it but first they escalate. Extinction Bursts