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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: I called the police today  (Read 965 times)
Bluemoon23
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« on: August 06, 2019, 06:49:19 PM »

I called the police today. I was scared. For myself and for my son. They took him to the hospital but the hospital has discharged him. Since then he is texting horrible things and calling and saying how much he hates me, how cruel I am, how he will never forgive me.

I sent a text saying he can pick up his stuff tomorrow with police. I dont feel safe anymore.

As you all know I asked him to move out September 1 for the third time and now this.

And just like so many I am getting horrible messages.

I am not responding.

It is really hard but I am not letting him back in. No more living here. I cannot cannot do it anymore.

Thank you for being here. For listening.
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2019, 07:52:21 PM »

Blue,
I’m so very sorry that you are on the receiving end of this. It must feel horrible. Are you safe? Do you need to do anything to protect yourself right now? Do the police know about the threatening texts?

I’m sure others with similar experiences will hop on with their thoughts and suggestions.

My heart hurts for you. Please keep posting.

Peacemom
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2019, 04:24:30 AM »

Hi Blue
I have had to call the police on my son too. I also had to throw him out of the house. It is a horrible experience. You have to put your safety first though. What is your plan for staying safe in the future?
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Bluemoon23
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« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2019, 11:21:37 AM »

Thank you both so much. My son does not have keys so he cannot get in and I've let my downstairs neighbours know I don't feel safe to be with him alone right now.

I also reached out to my son's psychiatrist who knows him and had a call with her this morning. She felt I did the right thing. I also am going to go up to a place  I went a few weeks ago with my son to talk with them - they offer daily walk-in counselling. I need some help with managing how he gets his stuff.

He has said he hates me and I'm sure after he gets his stuff he will no longer talk to me.

I feel that whatever spiral he is in only he can figure it out. It's hard watching someone do that. Crash and burn. And I am concerned he will commit suicide or be reckless in his choices. But I cannot control that I know. It's still painful. I have to let him make his choices and live with the consequences of those choices.

I am reaching out for support and know I have to re-build. I feel depleted, demoralized, numb and empty. I have to shore up my strength and continue with my life. The best I can. I hope I can do that.

On the one hand I'm glad he is not here and on the other I'm scared to death.

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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2019, 11:42:26 AM »

Excerpt
On the one hand I'm glad he is not here and on the other I'm scared to death.

I know the feeling, relief that your house is now safe and relatively drama free combined with fear about what may come next. For what it's worth, I agree with your T that you are doing the right thing. He may feel like he hates you now but that also may pass. Like you said, it is up to him to figure it out.
hugs
Faith
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2019, 12:21:59 PM »

You are doing the right thing.  No matter how it hurts.  I have had to petition the court for both an emergency psych eval and a restraining order against my adult son.  The restraining order is still active.  It is hard, but it is necessary.  I have had to change locks, alarm codes, etc.  He texted and emailed me some horrible messages to the tune of he was glad" he "destroyed the F____ house, I hope you die of a heart attack..."" etc etc.   The RO is still in place and I have even contacted the court about the texts /emails.  He came to the house accompanied by police in June to get the rest of his stuff.  Silence from him ever since.  I am right there with you , Blue.
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2019, 12:27:13 PM »

Like everyone here said, keep up with your support ( therapy, etc).  Write here often.  I have been terrified since March of my son.  I actually could not go out at night to put out the garbage.  I am doing better now with the help of my therapist and 12 step group( CODA).  Give yourself time.  I am still uneasy .  There are times I think  of moving out .There are good things though- the peace " that surpasses all understanding"  in our homes.  Sleeping better.  Feeling a bit stronger.  Hold onto these and try to be mindful ( I am saying this for myself as well).
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #7 on: August 07, 2019, 03:21:17 PM »

Bluemoon,

I’m glad you have a caring neighbor. Please keep us in the loop as you are in crises mode and it will be good to share.
Peacemom
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LoveOnTheRocks
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« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2019, 10:22:05 PM »

Hi BlueMoon23:  I am tired tonight, but I have made lots of posts (search my user posts) if you want to read my perspectives about putting my DD20 out.  I wrote one about not being able to take care of her and myself at the same time.  I am no expert with all this stuff, but I do know that I sometimes feel better when I read perspectives of other members going thru the same or similar things as me.
If you read my posts, check this out:  I am having repeated success with my daughter now, who is still in a halfway house.  She called tonight as a matter of fact.  After a great overnight visit this weekend, she called tonight and we had a great hour long discussion about all the things she is working on for herself.  She appears to be lining up college at a local technical school, she has a job interview tomorrow morning...
All the suicide stuff...hard to know about it, but in our case, I do think because i reacted to the threat, she picked up on it and emphasized it a lot. Yes, she does get to a place where she feels desperate, and when we are able to communicate well (which in our case means we must not live together), then we talk through her feelings pretty good, and she is all around doing better, each day.

Maybe you can learn about halfway houses in your area and give your son some educated suggestions.  I know other members could balk that this suggestion is us not letting our kids handle and manage their own lives, but my doing this did get my daughter to seek out resources on her own.  The places I suggested, she didn't choose, but with the information I did give her, the helplessness subsided (which helped quell the suicide stuff), and she gathered steam and hope when she worked on finding herself a good fit, found one, and here we are.

I can only imagine (educated imagining) what it's like right now with your son, and the sooner this all gets settled, the sooner you can focus on yourself, bring it all down a notch (or 12), and get back to a peaceful and serene existence (which I know we all need, especially when we have been repeatedly traumatized by the daily onslaught of hours long conflict...or at least that's what it was like in my situation.  I am daily peaceful now.  It doesn't mean the end of my relationship with my child...things are better now between us than ever...and while your son is clearly upset that you've put this boundary in place, which requires him to take responsibility for himself and his existence, I can tell you that in our case, my child didn't commit suicide...she got a roof over her head and started working on figuring herself and her life out.
I am still giving money...and this weekend, she worked at my house to show her love and appreciation for me (literally expected nothing for what she was doing in our home), but I gave her money for the work she did, thanked her for helping us out, and told her that I felt good about things.   She has stopped asking for money.  I have been honest with her about our finances and she feels guilty or bad about asking, which I want (it's a significant shift from the entitled place she used to operate from), BUT, she DOES need her meds and other things, and as I catch up on her life and she identifies her needs and sometimes wants, I step up and in when I like to, and help her to get to her goals, and ensure, to my satisfaction, that her needs are being met...BUT...I know there have been shifts in her thinking and especially how I operate with her...
and I am telling you all of this, because step 1 for us was me getting on this site and doing my BPD homework...AND ALSO her getting out of my house, because when all this started, it was a crazy toxic cesspool of dysfunction...and we needed space and time and distance to even get our stuff turned around. I am so glad we did this for both of us...and I suspect that the tiny smile in her voice means she is working thru and working some stuff out, too...all to the good.
It will be ok...but it's ok to get off the titanic...

If you know of anyone whom he loves and respects or operates well with (and cares about how they see him), I would talk to them about being around for the "stuff gathering" time...if they can.  I know others may say this isn't ok, but in our case, we packed our daughter's stuff (it was EVERYWHERE and took HOURS to get packed up as her BPD affects her "lifestyle"...), and I felt like the many hours it would take her to pack, if she even could/did, were hours that could be filled with significant strife, which I didn't want...so I took care of getting her ready, so she could get out the door in good time.
Again, I am probably breaking all sorts of therapists boundary rules and everything else, but, I wanted to avoid the potential for violent outbursts and feelings were rather hard at the time.
Just thinking out loud about how we went about things.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #9 on: August 08, 2019, 09:12:09 AM »

On the one hand I'm glad he is not here and on the other I'm scared to death.

Let the tears run, Bluemoon23.

There is so much pain in this.

You're with people who truly understand and care.

Releasing the grief can be cathartic.
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Breathe.
Swimmy55
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« Reply #10 on: August 08, 2019, 12:16:27 PM »

Great reminders from LOTR. 
This leads me to 2 slogans:  1. If you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you always got.
2. Something has to change for something to change.

Chin up BLue, You are fighting for yourself and your son .  The alternative is intolerable . Not only intolerable, but life threatening because DS would have gotten worse before he got better in his previous living arrangement.  One person ( I think Zachira) wrote a while back that helping our BPD kids as adults looks a lot different than helping them when they were kids.  I would like to add that peeling back the layer(s) of denial for them is part of that process. 
The big question we have to ask ourselves is what will happen to our BPD kids if we are not around?  This is sobering, but a truth that must be faced.   
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Bluemoon23
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« Reply #11 on: August 11, 2019, 08:21:39 PM »

Thank you ALL so much for your kindness and wisdom of lived experiences. They truly help and truly resonate.

Just so you are updated my son chose to go to my sisters once discharged. Instead of his "friends".

That is a good self protective step on their part. They are still there and so I do have more hope less worry. If they can manage to stay there and do more for themselves that is good.

They are on a waitlist for an LGBTQ homeless shelter where they can stay up to a year. This would be a good transition place and a place they could have great support. I am hoping this will happen for them. And their cat who they did not really care for well will be going to a new home tomorrow with a new bed and litter box. This was a big bone of contention for me. I am looking forward to not having the responsibility or expense and to be able to open all my windows and doors and do so and feel safe.

At this point he is not talking to me and I am ok with that. I am feeling stronger every day. And more supportive and forgiving of my self and this recent choice.

Their narrative is theirs. Their journey is theirs.

The peace in my home has been cathartic and soothing and has helped me so much.

I even took a tumble stepping into the shower yesterday and banged my head super hard but did not lose consciousness or break anything thank God! I would have most certainly got a 10 out 10 score for the spectacular way it happened .

Thank you again everyone for allowing me to share and not feel so alone or so inept.

It has helped me so much.

The journey continues and this week I will continue with the support I need to stay strong and resolute and steadfast.
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LoveOnTheRocks
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« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2019, 08:18:41 AM »

Hi Blue:  I think often (obviously) about my DD20 and question myself, but there are a few things I feel rather strongly about.
1) Like you said of your son, I say of my daughter, her journey has to be hers.
2) I am neither God or a shrink and I cannot take on the extremely overwhelming responsibility of ANYONE'S mental health on my own and in my home.  It literally undid me as a person, and I remember who I was and see who I became under that pressure.  No thank you.  Self awareness is important, I think.  I was saying all along I knew this exceeded my limitations as a person, yet I continued to force myself to do it...guilt/self pressure/fear...none of these is an acceptable "excuse" for that.
3) (and this is me!)...I don't believe God created us to live like that.  My DD20 has to learn how to mesh into society, and become a productive member of it...and take care of herself.  I had to push at first, but once she got out there, she was honest with me that she didn't prefer our home life either, and often reminds me she doesn't want to return, either.  She WANTS to embrace her life...and it was her fear that kept her from doing it.  With options, she is moving into it.

I see the struggle in some to find new ways to keep doing the same thing (which is the definition of insanity), and I am grateful that I was able to get off the titanic as opposed to just changing seats on it.  We all move when we are ready, and it not only liberated my husband and me, it liberated my DD20 as well.  I absolutely love my child and am there for her, but the pain I was in, which led me here to this site was and is real, and the change I needed took a lot of self honesty.  That whole scene was destroying me, and I was not able to express love to her and for her within it. 

We will continue to support each other as we grow and as we recover from what we've been thru already, much less face what is to come...
I hope your olympic shower moves haven't rendered you too damaged, and that you are feeling better asap!
LOTR 
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Bluemoon23
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« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2019, 09:51:41 AM »

OMG LoveontheRocks! I so understand and so get it. I felt it was my duty to make him into the best person he could be. Even at my own expense. Even if I lost myself.

He was stuck and isolating more and more. He was magnifying his anxiety so that he was incapacitating himself and he was not moving.

And it was undoing me.

I get that.

Your daughter embracing her life and understanding that living with you was not good for her or you and not wanting to come back home gives me some hope.

I hope my son sees that my calling the police was my last desperate resort to get help. I hope he sees that it was something I did BECAUSE I love them. I felt that I had no choice. I felt scared.

As I went to bed last night I was thinking wouldn't most people think - she must have been so worried and scared and what a position to be put in. What awful choices did her son make so that became her only option?

I know it's not about me but going through this and the constant arguing and fighting you kind of question reality and what's normal or not. Many times I have thought am I that crazy? Am I that horrible? Am I so difficult and hard to live with? Am I unreasonable?

I hope my son's anger at me will propel them to "show me" and that they do things that help them. I want that for them. Because I love them dearly.
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