Adult son has cut off all communication

[Jeri1]

My adult child may have BPD. Over the past two years I have noticed a gradual withdrawal and seems to be a nervous wreck around me. He is married, has children and lives in another state. He posts on FB about suicide, depression, how awful therapists are, depression meds are all he takes. It seems he rants about any current political situation and how awful everyone is. These posts are then balanced by seemingly fine, very long, detailed essays on gardening, the environment, etc. He has sent me texts and e-mails about how awful I am. This is a son who has been so loving and kind for 43 years. As I look back, I see little clues, but the escalation and now complete non-communication with me is sad and puzzling.

I am reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and see that he fits the profile.   As a mother and grandmother, I am devastated. I hope being a member of an online community can maybe help me understand and cope.

Thank-you.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Jeri1 Welcome to BPD family.
You have come to the right place for information, help, and support. I am sorry to hear that your adult son who has BPD traits has alienated himself from you. Sadly it is not unusual. What is your biggest concern at this point? We are all here for you.
Hugs
Faith
 

[Jeri1]

One day a short text gives a bit of news about the grandkids. A month later I get a hateful text about how awful I am. This son has been the most loving, kind person previously. There has been no "trigger" moment or event. His FB posts are rants about suicide, how awful the world is and a few days later, lengthy intellectual essays about farming. I no longer post to FB. Account is there, but dormant. Previously, I defended myself in texts to him, which made him madder at me. My d-in-l is a very cold person and she never really communicated much with me. I asked her about his moods two years ago and her response was that "it was not my business." They live far away, so there is no way to see them. He is my only child. I am happily married. We are near 80 yrs old. Now I am completely quiet. Should I just move on with my life as if he were dead to me? Forget they exist?

[Huat]

Hi Jeri1

I, too, am a Mom/Grandmother who is in your age bracket.  Because of our ubpd daughter, my husband and I have lived through much drama over the past 40 years.  Currently we are once again estranged from her mainly because of her escalating verbal abuse which we were warned could well turn into physical abuse...our advancing age making it more and more difficult to defend ourselves if the unthinkable would happen.   Sadly she refuses to go into counselling with us so boundaries are set.

I can well understand how hard it must be for you to read what your son writes on FB.  While some of his posts are normal, others are down-right scary.  It must have so hurtful to have your d-in-l tell you, his Mom, it was none of your business.

Perhaps, Jeri1, it is good that you are "completely quiet"...for now, anyway.  You have no control on what is happening those many miles away...and that distance could well be a blessing for you.  Our daughter lives close by us.

I am not the person I was a few years back when I stumbled upon this forum.  For me it was a life-changer...indeed... a life-saver.  I can remember my heart actually hurting/aching...I cried at the drop of a hat...my world was pretty black.  While I will probably always be a work-in-progress, the sun now shines in my world.

You wrote..."I hope being a member of an online community can maybe help me understand and cope."   I hope that for you, too, Jeri1. 

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Huat

[FaithHopeLove]

Should I just move on with my life as if he were dead to me? Forget they exist?

I doubt you could ever forget your only child. I know I couldn't and mine is in jail awaiting a likely prison sentence. There is good news though. A lot of us here myself included have learned communication skills that have helped us improve our relationships with our BPD children. You could too. .Have you done any reading already? Would you like more "homework?"

[Swimmy55]

Welcome,
 I am also estranged from my adult BPD son.  In my particular case I had to get a restraining order due to violence and destruction of parts of my home.  I am in the process of " Letting it be"  or " Letting him be", I've read that as a slogan and that seems gentler somehow than "Letting him go".  I am also seeing my own therapist  and going to some 12 step meetings such as al-anon and COda ( Codependent's anonymous) for some tools and enforcement on how to do this.  Our child will always be in our heart so it is impossible to cut them out of our hearts .  Detachment is the key and it is hard ( i am a fixer and I was determined to save my son . That was my mission in life, actually.) So with detachment,  all of the energy you were going to place on the child, you channel it onto yourself.  I am forcing myself to find new hobbies, connecting with old hobbies I lost while raising my BPD son , etc.  It is not easy, though.  Write here as much as you need to. we understand.  Take a look around the website and click onto " how to use this website" .  We are here for you.

[Swimmy55]

Congratulations on your 80 years ! Wonderful.  All the more reason to put the focus on you.  think of your adult child like this:
He is a stew that has to sit on the backburner for a while to cook.  Don't keep opening the lid , don't keep stirring.  Let him sit.  Like a crock pot. This is terrible analogy, but it helps me get through the day.  The crock pot and stew are doing their thing, meanwhile I am out and about doing my stuff.