New diagnosis has made symptoms worse

[madmac27]

  New here. I'm lost, riddled with anxiety, and frustrated, to name a few.  This new diagnosis of BPD with my SO has seem to have exasperated her symptoms. Out of the hospital for 2 weeks now and every day is what seems like never ending hell. While there is a sense of relief explaining past behavior. I'm walking around on eggshells now more than ever.

I've been pouring through literature and have read "Stop Walking On Eggshells". I'm starting one on one therapy next week to help myself through all of this. I know there is never going to be a quick fix. I'm not sure I can ride this out. My life has been completely turned inside out mentally. The manipulation and gas lighting is by far the worst.

The first question I would have is- How do you all do this everyday? I love my wife but this chaos I live in is hands down the most challenging thing I have ever dealt with in my life. The worst part is I didn't see this coming, or never saw the life I had before change from peace to chaos.

I'm hoping for something from this sight. Something to take the edge off. Just something...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Many of us can relate with the mixture of being shellshocked and relieved when first introduced to the concept of BPD.  You're in a good place to get support and figure out how to cope with things.  Can you tell us more about your relationship?  How long have you been together?  It sounds like things worsened with time.  Tell us about it.

RC

[madmac27]

Thank you Radcliff. I'm still trying to navigate this website. I'm hoping this gets attached to the string.

I'll try to keep this as short as I can...

I've known my wife for a little over 10 years. We shared the same AA room over that time. We never really ever talked at any "depth" till 3 years ago. When we did start talking we hit it off. Things went fast.  Really fast. We married 18 months ago. It was amazing before we got married. We really clicked. It was her that suggested we get married. I was taken aback but warmed to the idea. Fast forward...

When we started living together as a married couple things changed. First it started with my "to do" list. What went from sharing duties around the house completely changed. i found myself working my job, then putting in more time on a daily basis around the house. My wife was lost in texting "her friends" and social media. Would spend hours doing so. If i missed something like not putting the clothes in the dryer, words like "lazy, procrastinator, misguided, were used. That shifted to "You are the laziest ______ i've ever met. You are selfish and only think about you! Normal everyday stresses that we all deal with were excuses for her to start berating me with something like "You never do anything right." or my favourite " I cant stand being around someone so lazy and selfish. I have to get rid of you, and if have to sleep with someone to do it I will". This perpetuated over to time to gaslighting. (which had me doubting my own self worth. Telling me we had a conversation that I never recalled having, then following it up with abusive put downs because i couldn't remember. Sexting with other men, cheating, physical abuse, personal items broken. My laptop was smashed because she was mad I was ignoring her. She did it to get my attention. I was ignoring her because I was terrified to open my open my mouth. Everything that came out of my mouth was wrong. Even a glance in her direction was judged negatively. This all became more frequent as time went on. Not forgetting the apologies and I love yous, and I cant do this without you. Why did I hang on before. Why am I hanging on now?  

Then came the suicide attempt. After she was discharged from the hospital I was so relieved as the diagnosis lifted 1000 lbs of weight. In fact she was too. Help was their and she was going to pursue it! I was no longer breathing under water. She wanted help and has just started in two programs. Group and one one DBT. Here's the thing though. Since discharge it has become unbearable. What was bad before, is 100 times worse now. Even walking in the house is an annoyance. She wants the help. So this is where the confusion comes in. Does it get better before it gets worse? Physically I'm a wreck. Mentally I'm getting depleted. it's starting to affect my work.  I'm trying to do things outside of the home. More activity, reaching out to a select few, starting therapy.

At this point these emotional mortar shells are killing me! The last 7 or 8 rages come with no apology but lots of idealization. I want to try, I don't want to walk away. In my mind it would be like walking away from someone that just got diagnosed with cancer. I'm not sure though. It's redlined to unbearable.

I hope that helps. It helped me putting it on paper actually.

[Radcliff]

[Sorry for the delay, I've been camping in the mountains.]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear all that.  It's a heavy load to bear.  Can you tell us about the most recent incident of physical violence, and the worst incident of physical violence?  Your situation is not uncommon.  You are not alone.  It's important to establish basic safety, and there are coping tools you can learn here to help make things more bearable.  When she is berating you, how do you react?

RC

[madmac27]

Back after a hiatus (work stuff)...

Actually that last statement isn't actually true. With some reflection I've been isolating from everything. Even sharing on here has me second guessing  Things have base lined at horrible. ( 3 sessions of DBT now)

To answer your question there was only one physical slap across the face. Lots of arm grabbing when I'm trying to walk away from verbal assaults. The slap happened about 3 months ago.

My reactions were now (as I look back with more information about BPD) wrong. Defending myself and getting angry trying to do that. She just yells over me. This is futile only adding fuel to the fire. I'm reading and trying what is suggested in the book "stop walking on eggshells" . It just seems to backfire and make things worse. She's smart and deflects with skill and precision. With that being said my reactions with anger have ebbed. She can still get under my skin but I try (really hard) to not react. The only thing that seems to work right now is leaving and coming back when things have cooled down.

I'm trying to set boundaries but my head is second guessing everything. In other words I don't know where to start in the boundary department.

2 days ago she put her wedding rings on the coffee table in a rage. I put them in a drawer and told her where they were. She hasn't touched them yet. My thinking is this is a game. I have to admit that the prospect of this marriage ending is inviting. At the same time, the unknown is a terrifying reality.

I can't organize a thought without second guessing it. I start therapy in 9 days and I'm not sure I can take it.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the info on the violence.  Please keep us posted if anything else happens, including grabbing you or blocking your path.

Yours is a volatile situation, and you're on a steep learning curve.  Be patient with yourself.  This is going to be messy.  Things won't always go well, and you'll make mistakes.  But if you keep at it, you can learn to protect yourself better and avoid making things worse.

Boundaries are a tough challenge, especially starting from where you are, but are crucial.  Can you tell us about a boundary situation you're facing?

RC

[madmac27]

I don't even know where to start with a boundary. I have tried saying if you are going to keep speaking to me like that I will have to leave for awhile until things calm down. It's almost like she can sense what I am trying to do and just blow it apart. I need some input here.

Yes, absolutely. I will keep you in the loop. I am starting to appreciate this website. Grateful for existence.

It's unnerving to know that this could get messy. My thinking this is "How much worse can it get?"

I'm really (for now) just "white knuckling it". I'm trying not to react. (getting better). How does one learn when I can't even think at times. It feels like I am constantly off balance.

How can I start a healthy boundary without her blowing it apart?  

[Radcliff]

Sorry, by saying it would be messy I was trying to reassure you rather than worry you!  I just meant it's kind of like learning a new sport, where you'll make mistakes, you'll need time to master skills, and there will be things outside of your control.  Your first season will likely have some embarrassing, awkward, painful moments, but things can get better.

If you get to the point where you can't think, you need a break.  Make it about you, not her, say you're having trouble focusing and really want to hear her, so you're going to get a glass of water and come right back, and would she like a glass of water?  Or maybe a glass of water and a bathroom break, or a walk around the block.  Make sure to tell her when you'll be back.  It's not about controlling her, if she thinks that's what you're doing, it'll get worse.  For more on boundaries, visit this page on setting boundaries

Another thing that helps is to learn to take things less personally.  BPD is a disorder, essentially a relationship handicap.  Many of the nasty things she may say are totally unreasonable and are driven by her pain and trouble expressing herself more effectively.  They don't reflect on how she feels about you in calmer times, nor are they an accurate reflection of who you are.  Remember those things and try not to feel as threatened.  Use this knowledge when things heat up so that you can feel and act from a position of empathy and strength, rather than pain and fear.

Since it's not about controlling her, and since you'll be working on moving from pain and fear to empathy and strength, over time you may well find that you're able to ride out a turbulent conversation for longer before needing to leave, or perhaps without having to leave.  When that happens, you'll know you're making significant progress.

Does that sound useful in your situation?

RC

[madmac27]

Thanks for that RC. I understand what you're saying. I know this will take time. Right now she has taken off her wedding rings and put them in my night stand. She has decided to sleep in the guest room. I don't even know why. In her mind it's because I've been mistreating her. I was told that this was her prerogative to sleep where she wants. She isnt putting on her rings ever again. She avoids me (steps out of my way like she doesnt want me to even touch her). Is this emotional abuse? Withholding affection, degrading comments as to my inability to show affection? Where I am going with this is, there is no boundaries to set right now. It looks like she has set her own. As in "Don't come near me this marriage is over. Except I need money to feed my kids when they visit this weekend. It's your obligation." It's like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I could set a boundary here I'm thinking. I just don't know how to do that with this situation. I could really use some advice here. If I don't give her money she will label me as being neglectful... etc.

The odd part is that nothing is heating up right now ( of course I will follow your advice to the best of my ability it does).

It does fit some of my situation. I don't know how to handle this latest one though.

FYI-I start counselling next week. She starts her DBT next week.  

[Joro109]

I'm sorry mac. I don't know what help to offer but I do understand! I have spent many many months and time at my own therapy to try to understand the different techniques, to somehow change myself (as though thats the problem) to respond as prescribed without connection to it or emotion or to try to not respond.  Literally none of it works as implied and I think the issue is when a sufferer is particularly at a bad spot.  (And as I think about it now, that spot kinda seems like it  might actually be caused by encountering such a large amount of empathy from another person or such an unexpected effort to recognize it and help resolve it.)  Some of this material and written advice seems to be more geared to an average population and a somewhat rude, one sided occasionally unkind type relationship.  But I know first hand that it is useless when things have already been taken to a more Jerry Springer-like level with those who seem to be more acutely (amd alarmingly) distressed.   
I love how helpful RC is but I also know that suggesting I need a walk would be met with a barrage of being accused of being a whore, in front of children.   Hopefully not, but it sounds like yours may be bordering THAT emotional/reactive at times.   

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry she's hidden the rings away and is being so harsh.  I found that sort of behavior to be really discouraging and saddening.   Is it abusive?  It sure hits you like abuse, and that's important to acknowledge.  Would it be productive to label it abuse and call that out to her?  As you likely know, it wouldn't be.

Regarding the buying food boundary, are these here kids and not yours?  Would it be reasonable to buy food for houseguests?  Does she have an income or money of her own to buy them food?

When we enforce a boundary like walking away from someone who's being verbally abusive, our pwBPD are not going to like it.  Insults shouted at our back are par for the course.  If children are present, the situation is more complicated.  It may make sense to leave with the children for a bit as well, though the logistics of that can be tough.  Nobody is saying that if you apply these tools, it's going to be all sunshine.  Our members do, indeed, find themselves in extreme situations.  No pwBPD is the same, and some have stronger BPD traits than others.  If we learn and practice the tools, some of us will find relationship success, and most of us will be healthier and more capable.

RC

[RBGE]

Hey madmac27,

I can only speak from my own experience but I'll tell you that every time my BPD wife sleeps in the guest room, it is a punishment/manipulation move. You showed strength by by telling her it is her prerogative to sleep where she wants, even if she digs her heels in and continues to do it. 

I'm sorry you're going through this but I just wanted to stress the importance of sticking with consistent, one-on-one counseling for yourself to help you cope. It looks like you started a week or two ago. How's that going?

If you don't feel like you're clicking with your therapist after several sessions, try a different one. Counseling has changed my life for the better. It helped me learn what boundaries are and how to establish them. More importantly, it helped me realize I don't deserve this and I always have the option of leaving if and when I'm ready. I hope it does the same for you. Please keep us updated.

[madmac27]

Thank you everyone for reaching out. I very much appreciate the support and advice.

I'm in panic mode!

It has been awhile since I posted as things have gone from bad to worse. She's gone. It has absolutely been crazy since she left. She left last Wednesday, and has left me with quite a mess. She even left the two cats and most of her things. She did come back on Saturday night at 11 PM with a friend to grab clothes and anything else she could put in her van. I was still shocked from her leaving the Wednesday previous. I finally told her to leave at 11:45 as it was late and I wanted to go to bed. She did, but said she was coming back the next day at 7PM with her friends to grab more things.

This is where it gets strange. She showed up at 4PM and said she was going to nap till her friends got there. I flat out told her that she chose not to stay here and that wasn't an option. She "told me that she had a right to be there as she was on the lease too"  and went downstairs and slept (I think anyways). At 7 PM her friends showed up and they just started rifling everything out of the house. It was awkward to say the least. Seeing stuff we bought and her stuff go out the door. I was starting to feel foolish to say the least. Just sitting there watching the football game trying to contain my anger. I asked what she was going to do about the cats. She calmly said "I am here to move some things and not get into an argument." This was clearly a show for her friends because she has never spoken to me in such a calm tone in the last month. By the time she left I was angry, humiliated, and just shell shocked. 5 min after she left I got a text from her that said "Thanks for looking after the cats". My head was reeling.

I went out and bought new locks and changed them out that night. She showed up the next day. I was at work. When she couldn't get in the house she lost her mind. Just to keeps thing short I told her that she could move things but I needed 24 hrs notice. If i could accommodate i would be there. If not she would have to try another time. (my work schedule isn't set in stone. I'm on call a lot). This put her over the edge. She texted my daughters and made up some horrible stories! She has been vilifying me to everyone! I'm abusive, controlling, I touch her in the night, I hold money over her. Nightmare! After I found all this out I texted her and said that a third party of her choosing would be best to move this forward without confrontation. (I'm trying so hard to be rational). She actually agreed. I couldn't believe it! I've been dealing with this individual since but she still keeps telling people she left because she wasn't in a safe environment and needed a healthy place to recover while she did therapy.

Here's the thing I just can't wrap my head around. She has been in a custody battle for her kids. (she had an episode where she cut her arm and the kids were put in dads care 2 years ago). She was getting visitation back and overnights as she was proving that she was able to provide a safe place and earning the trust back from her ex and the court. One of the conditions around these visits was that I had to be present. This was hard logistically for me with work but I made it happen. We were getting to the point where she would be getting parenting time without me there right before she attempted suicde. Even then, after proving she was going to therapy, and following up with Dr's, she still got visitation. Only if I was there though. I was also the intermediary between the two homes for communication purposes because her ex simply won't deal with her. ( I am understanding why now). 

Her leaving me just lost her kids as her ex explained they wont let her near them unless she has a stable environment for them.

I don't get it. She was getting there. This was her greatest focus and she threw it all away! Why?
She is staying at a friends and has basically fallen off the radar. She is going to welfare and has told the lawyers( her lawyer just let her go as well) she still deserves visits at her friends home. This is crazy! Her ex has no intention of letting that happen. She cries welfare, abuse, and holds me responsible for all of this!

I'm left with a lease, a house way to big for my needs, my friends are starting to question my character, two cats (which i tolerate) and a mind that wont stop reeling. This is all complete madness!

This may sound crazy; Is it possible she blew up her life just to make look like the villain she is making me out to be?

I think one of the reasons she left was all her lies are catching up to her. The crazy insane stuff that was bubbling up was too much to hide. I don't know...

I hope all that made sense.

HELP!

[Radcliff]

I'm so sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worse.  It's important that you not isolate yourself right now.  Since things are awkward with friends, you might be tempted to do that.  Do you have a few friends you can rely on for support?  Not every friend has to be someone you talk about the situation with.  Simply enjoying activities together can be good.

How have things been going in the past couple of days?

RC

[madmac27]

Thanks RC

Actually I have been reaching out. I know connection to be a healthy lifeline. I have a few friends that know me well and have said to me that I'm not that person she makes me out to be. Hearing that helps.

Things are not too bad the last little while. I take peace in knowing I'm not going home to madness. On the flip side, nights are the worst. Just me and my head. My therapist has given me some tools to help with this but at the end of the day it's time that's going to heal this. time and therapy. I have moments where I want her back in my life so badly. The ONLY thing that works is coming here and reading threads. The stories and the input from you people grounds my thinking back to reality. That reality being she's not coming back. I'm not having her back. I'm not strong enough to deal with this. My thinking is turning to I don't want to deal with it anymore. I just want to move on now.

[Radcliff]

Nights are very tough.  This may sound strange, but getting new bedsheets in "guy" colors to mix things up may help a bit.  Rearrange the furniture, put up a fish tank, paint the bedroom, or otherwise alter things to your taste.  Getting out to 12 step meetings is also a good way to break the evening isolation.  I've found spending time on  bpdfamily to be a very helpful way to feel productive and not isolated in the evenings.  You don't have to have all the answers -- simply welcoming newcomers with empathy and understanding does a lot of good.

It's natural to think of throwing in the towel on the marriage.  A good friend of mine gave me valuable advice to take care of myself and embrace the ambiguity for a bit.  It's OK to allow some time for things to play out.  Do you know if she's been going to DBT?

RC

[madmac27]

I'm actually moving out at the end of the month. I have to break the lease as it looks like she isn't budging and definitely isn't coming back. I'm not waiting and moving forward. I have to.

I actually think it is going to get worse before it gets better.

Thank you for the practical advice. I have been staying close to AA , but like you I do like spending time here. There is a sense of comfort on this sight.
 
She has had 2 DBT sessions so far. If she actually went is a whole other story.

[Radcliff]

How do you think it will get worse before it gets better?

RC

[madmac27]

Her actions of as late RC. The AA community where I live can be small. She has started spreading rumours that I am now drinking. This doesn't bode well. Gossip in any group or setting isn't good. It will spread like wildfire.My boss is in AA. Now, I'm sure he wouldn't believe these rumours but the seed could get planted and there could be doubt floating around in his mind. People are asking questions. Just to be clear, If I was actually drinking I wouldn't be a pleasant guy to be around. I've worked hard for 13 years on myself and my relationships. It looks like she is chipping away at this. I know her well, she is vindictive. I'm just thinking about the verbal abuse at me personally, face to face. I cant imagine what she could cook up after what I have witnessed personally.

The biggest problem I'm having right now is she's gone. With the excuse of me be controlling, abusive, lazy... I want a real answer! Not one made up in her mind. I know it's BPD, but in my head right now I have this sense of entitlement to answers that probably don't exist. My head is stuck in a cycle of emotions. Therapy is helping, with one exception. When I leave a session and look back at this whole thing it feels like it was an actual nightmare and never really happened. I go over my journaling just to make sure it did!

I'm going through this stage of loss I guess. I don't know. No other relationship thats ended has come even close to what I am feeling now. Every time I think I would want her back I just go through my journaling. That helps for sure. Time,time, time. Thats what I'm told. For fear of sounding dramatic, I' don't think I can make it through this one. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. AA helps. Therapy helps for sure, but the thought of "more coming " chills my blood. I've read what borderlines are capable of and it scares the hell out of me. It no longer feels quick sand. My feet are frozen in ice! If that makes sense.

[Radcliff]

The sense of unreality can be disturbing.  Those who have never had a BPD relationship can't really understand what it's like.  Our pwBPD have a different reality than ours, and we can start to question our own.  Journaling helps.

It is easy to feel like the sky is about to fall.  pwBPD can in fact to some very disruptive things.  But you can handle whatever comes your way.  Try to remind yourself of all the support avenues you have, and all the various ways you can protect yourself.  I heard a funny saying in an Al-anon meeting recently -- "My life has been full of awful things, most of which have never happened."  I know it's tough, but try not to worry about the stuff that hasn't happened yet.

It's easy to feel powerless about things like her rumor spreading.  But what is within your control?  (The, uh, Serenity Prayer comes to mind  )  I imagine you have one or a few meetings that are your "home" meetings, where the community is very important to you?  If you're showing up to these meetings regularly, doing service, showing up and delivering at work regularly, folks are going to know you're solid.  They know this territory.

One more thing -- can you share your story with a sponsor, other mentors, or a couple of peers?  It needs to come from an earnest desire for advice and support, not a desire to wage a public relations campaign (which folks would detect), but a side benefit is that folks will notice you trying to navigate the situation with integrity.  Stay engaged in the communities you care about, and things will work out.

RC