Communicating now, need advise

[Carguy]

So last week as I was coming down the road my ex bpd was getting ready to pull out. It had been over 5 weeks since we talked so I stopped and asked her about her stuff. She ended up inviting me back to her apartment to chat. We chatted and caught up on what was going on in our lives. Eventually I told her the girl I was going to date (after she told me she was going to see where things went with this other guy) ended up not happening cause she wasn't ready for a relationship. She told me she doesn't think the guy she was talking to was ready either. He seemed on the fence (she later told me he didn't want a relationship right now but wanted to still get to know her).

It was a good conversation and we left with a hug. I didn't text her or communicate with her after that but a few days later she asked if she could go down to my house and see her kitten she asked me to save out of this litter. She needed 'kitten therapy' cause she was having a hard day. I said yes and asked if she was ok. She said it was just the same stuff. That evening I text her to see if she was ok. She said no so we ended up talking on the phone. She was feeling very alone and having struggles with her ex husband over the kids. I went over and surprised her and told her I came to sit with her so she didn't feel alone and we talked some more. It was good even though she felt conflicted with her and I and feelings and such. She said no one text her to make sure she's ok. Yesterday I did and she said it felt great and meant a lot and added a little heart eyes guy.

I stopped by later and we chatted and she decided to bring her kids down to see the kittens.She was planning on coming over today to pull her grandma's flowers out of my flower bed but ended up coming over yesterday too. They played with the kittens and we worked out together and it was good.

Today she came over and we pulled flowers. We was chatting and she ended up asking if I would get married again (she admitted remembering we talked about this in the past) and I told her with the right person. She mentioned us almost getting married in the past. We ended up talking about wants. Wanting someone to share life with and even details of things I want. She wants the same things. Then we talked about how we use to read together in bed and other things. I could tell she missed it.

Later we started teasing sexually a little (just saying things but no contact) and we came in the house. I took her in the bedroom and asked her about all that and like me a big part of her wanted to but another part didn't think it would be a good idea. We talked about that, feelings, the past, and other stuff like that and she kept saying the same thing she has lately about it being complicated. She decided she wanted to go home. She was sexually frustrated and it was complicated and she had a range of emotions going. She even mentioned the want to be with me cause I was giving her everything she ever wanted with supporting her recently but being complicated. I felt like I may have ran her off a bit but when I said that she said it was her too and she was teasing too (sexually). She was waiting for a phone call from 'an old guy friend' too.

I would like advise as to what next. I told her even today that I would go to her place tomorrow so she can call an attorney to see about her problems with her kids and ex husband. She said ok and she has a hard time reaching out to an attorney and just wants someone there to encourage her. I will still go but I think like last time I just won't text other than to see if she's ok in the mornings like I said I would do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[ColdKnight]

The only advice I can give is that I believe there is no magic formula.

I tried everything I had read about. I tried pulling back when she pulled back, I tried over communicating and validating, I tried setting boundaries. Nothing worked

I got her back and now she is gone again and I don’t know why. All I know is something set her off and I made her feel like I didn’t want her. I read an article written by a girl with BPD. She said that when she was triggered no amount of kind or reassuring words would sooth her. She said it felt like someone was feeding her a beautiful pie infested with worms. No matter how comforting the words seemed on the outside, on the inside they were completely disgusting to her. That was a real eye opener to me.

Soo...things could be going great with her and you might do something or say something that triggers either, abandonment anxiety, engulfment anxiety or rage...or all all of them at once...

[blackorchid]

Which article did you read? I hope you’re coping ok with her not being around at the moment coldknight

[Carguy]

Sorry to hear that coldnight! It's a hard disorder for everyone involved. I'm just trying to be a caring friend right now to mine without getting sucked back into a relationship with her. I love and care about her but I don't think my heart can handle another recycle with her right now. I'm being supportive of her because she has some hard things going on in her life but also maintain a little distance. It may end up being a tricky balancing act.