Reaching out to an ex

[clvrnn]

How would it be best (or has anyone here) to reach out to an ex pwBPD that you haven't spoken to in a few months?

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[ColdKnight]

Hi,

I’m just going on the assumption that you are talking about a former romantic partner.

How did it end? Why did you stop speaking?

[clvrnn]

Hi,

I’m just going on the assumption that you are talking about a former romantic partner.

How did it end? Why did you stop speaking?

Yes, a former partner.

Well.. in a nutshell, her and I took a trip to her sister's house. On the way there, she became irritated because my mood was 'bad' - I wasn't in a bad mood, but I was slightly subdued because I was anxious about going to her family's house due to hypervigliance that she had displayed prior, accusing me of being rude around her family etc, despite her family always welcoming and receiving me warmly. Her increasing irritation and anger turned into a 'rage' in front of her family, during which she turned to me and told me to leave, and threatened me with the police. I left. She then ended things an hour later, and told me I had disrespected her family, etc.

There was then a few weeks of intermittent contact - I tried to talk to her once about the event at the sister's, she didn't want to discuss it and became irritated and closed off. She told me we could be friends and only talk about certain subjects, etc. I tried to go along with this, but I found it emotionally difficult, plus she was still displaying slight push/pull by talking to me at times then shutting off.

I decided to approach her and tell her that I was not ready to be friends and that I would be taking some time for myself. Before I could get to that, she became angry, swore, threatened me with blocking/silence, etc.

We then had a phone call where she was angry again - I tried to change the subject several times, but she seemed unable to control her anger. During this call, she became angrier, listing everything she believed to be wrong with me in a another rant-type way. She then suddenly hung up and messaged me, telling me she was going to block me. I tried to record all of this but the recording failed. She blocked me.

the next morning, I emailed her asking to unblock me as I hated falling out with her. She unblocked me and said we could try again, 'start fresh' as she put it.

She did not ever say another thing to me, either in person or over messages.

Now that I've written it out, I can see how conflict-filled it is, but I am struggling with having just left things like this and I don't understand, still, why she just disappeared. So I am thinking that now a substantial time has passed, maybe she would be willing to engage with me.

[ColdKnight]

After she unblocked you and said you could start fresh did you text her or call her or were you waiting for her to reach back out?

I read over another post of yours. This was in May of this year that you last communicated?

[clvrnn]

After she unblocked you and said you could start fresh did you text her or call her or were you waiting for her to reach back out?

I read over another post of yours. This was in May of this year that you last communicated?

Well, we saw each other at uni and she would sit with me but not say anything. I messaged her a couple of times, after uni, asking if she wanted to hang out/how her grades were - no response. Then she gradually started sitting with other people, still not saying anything to me.

I waited then a few more weeks, tried again by sending her a song that I thought she would have liked with a short message ("hey, thought you might like this song"), no response.

I then did send a final longer message in May yes, telling her that it was a shame things had gone this way, would like to rebuild the friendship, I enjoyed her company, etc. No answer.

I can see that perhaps maybe I sent too many messages - I tried my best to space things out with the understanding that I didn't want to come across as overwhelming. But at the same time I was confused by the "let's be friends" then the avoidance. I was also dealing with a LOT of anxiety and emotions, I was unable to take any time away from her because of us being at uni together and my attendance already being low which meant I had to go in. It was just a difficult time, really.

[ColdKnight]

Honestly I don’t see that you did anything wrong.

It doesn’t sound like you reached out too much but who knows what was going on in her head. Maybe she wanted to be the one to reach out. It is impossible to guess what she wanted. That’s what makes it so hard. She could have said she wanted to start over and meant it but the next morning woke up feeling completely different.

I will share my story of getting my upwBPDgf back. I’ll try and make it to the point as not to bore you with details.

Met her in March do 2018. Things ramped up quick and seemed like we were a couple. We had three hiccups along the way that were frankly my insecurities coming through. On July 3rd about two weeks after the third hiccup she dumped via text saying “i think its best if we go our separate ways, I wish you all the best”

This was a just two days after things seemed to be great. She had been very sweet and loving. I was devastated and confused but didn’t chase. The only reason we reconnected was I sent her a text by mistake when I was cutting and pasting one of her last texts to female friend to analyze what went wrong.

Long story short we work together and saw each other over the next year. She was mostly friendly even flirty. I texted a couple of times after these run ins and she would respond but would let the conversation die. Not being one to beg I would not pick it back up either.

She texted me out of the blue three times. Once in October, January and February. I always responded but she would let it die. Almost as if she was making sure she could have me if she wanted.

After the breakup I started looking to online dating coaches to try and figure out what went wrong. After that I came across BPD. I am now fully convinced she is has uBPD.

At the beginning of April of this year I asked he if we could talk. She agreed and we had a great phone conversation. I told her I wanted to see her again but no pressure. I just wanted her in my life romantically. I made it clear I did not want to be just friends but I didn’t need to be here boyfriend either. I told her to take some time to think. She texted two hour later and she was back in.

We started texting all the time and it quickly felt like we were on our way to becoming a couple. She hinted several times that she wanted me to be her boyfriend and made several relationship comments BUT she started giving me the silent treatment early on this time. She never did that to me the first go around.

This go round she would get angry and not talk to me for days. She played all kinds of games and lied. She was always push/pulling me. I came into this go around convinced that I could maneuver around her BPD as I was now aware. I tried to validate her, I tried to give her space, I tried to set boundaries. Nothing worked. A year to the month after we broke up last time we broke up again.

I feel better this time than I did last time. I now know that there is really nothing I could have done to keep this alive and still be true to myself.

So that is how I was able to get her back but I lost her again. After all that hard work and none of it mattered.

My point is this, You might be able to get her back but will you be able to keep her? And if you lose her again will you be able to handle it?

It is tough...I know...I miss the hell out of this woman. She is the only woman I have never been able to walk away from. The only woman I ever wanted to have kids with, the only woman I have ever wanted to marry.   BUT...she is toxic...despite knowing all of that I don’t know what I would do if she reached out again. I’d like to think I would stay strong and say “thanks but no thanks”...but i don’t know...

(Sorry, tried to keep that short but I kind rambled)

[clvrnn]

Thank you for sharing your story, ColdKnight.

Your story seems a lot similar to mine; things pick up for a while and then it all starts again - the pain, the discard. It is probably possible that her and I could recycle, but since I've known her the discards seem to increase in intensity each time (there have been three, one when we weren't even dating in which she came back almost immediately, the second after three weeks, this one - well, it's been months - I don't believe she will come back after this period of time) so I'd be quite wary of how much worse it could get, should there be another recycle.

I'm not sure I really want to go through it again, to be honest.