My family has an issue with her and the way she behaves toward me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338850.0

I think myself and her are both quite similar in that if someone is my partner, after a while at least they are considered as part of the family. Saying that, she has no issues telling me to mind my own business and not get involved with stuff in her family so perhaps my boundaries in this area have been too porous. It was obvious to her that she wasn't being invited when I went to see my mum and brother. It was even more obvious when my brother withdrew his offer of support in helping us move at the last minute.

I suppose I thought I should share as it concerned her, because my family have an issue with her and the way she behaves towards me and that I'm clearly not the happy go lucky person I once was, mainly because of our relationship. I hated hiding stuff from her.

I would want to know if it was the other way around but my reaction would have been different to hers. I would have seriously evaluated my behaviour and redoubled my efforts to make the relationship work as I know how important it is to have family involvement.

I'm almost certainly guilty of oversharing my problems with my family in the past but as far as I'm concerned I can't undo that action, only repair the damage and that takes time, something she clearly doesn't have the patience for.

[G1B8oN]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338850.0

I think myself and her are both quite similar in that if someone is my partner, after a while at least they are considered as part of the family. Saying that, she has no issues telling me to mind my own business and not get involved with stuff in her family so perhaps my boundaries in this area have been too porous. It was obvious to her that she wasn't being invited when I went to see my mum and brother. It was even more obvious when my brother withdrew his offer of support in helping us move at the last minute.

I suppose I thought I should share as it concerned her, because my family have an issue with her and the way she behaves towards me and that I'm clearly not the happy go lucky person I once was, mainly because of our relationship. I hated hiding stuff from her.

I would want to know if it was the other way around but my reaction would have been different to hers. I would have seriously evaluated my behaviour and redoubled my efforts to make the relationship work as I know how important it is to have family involvement.

I'm almost certainly guilty of oversharing my problems with my family in the past but as far as I'm concerned I can't undo that action, only repair the damage and that takes time, something she clearly doesn't have the patience for.

[Enabler]

Right now it's not so much me being serious about the split, she's the one who's instigated it and is sticking to her guns. My turn will come later I expect and I know already I'll find it hard to stick to it.

What do you want to do 'later'?

Unfortunately your own boundaries make this very binary, this is either the hill you die on or she's ripped out all your fence posts and having a picnic on your minefield.

[G1B8oN]

I really don't know. I know in my head that now's the time to just walk away. I just hope I can continue to listen to my head and not relent. After all, I put the breakup boundary in place to protect myself from the relentless torture of these repeated breakups.

[Enabler]

And what will happen if you fold?

What will happen if you fold after a fight?

What will happen if you fold after a really big fight?

What will the next battle be like?

[formflier]

Wonderful questions...

I really wish the "breakup decision" wasn't left up to her actions...

I wish you could live your life...one you find fulfilling with or without her...and then invite her along.

That way...if she is there and behaves...you have a wonderful life. 

If she choose to not behave or not come along...you have a wonderful life.

What is the common theme?

Switching gears.  What if you put "sharing" on lockdown.  Every time you desire to blurt stuff out about other relationships...don't.  Think about it for a couple days.  If you can come up with great reasons after a couple days..then go ahead and share.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

And what will happen if you fold?

What will happen if you fold after a fight?

What will happen if you fold after a really big fight?

What will the next battle be like?

If I fold, especially if it's quickly I'll tell her that I don't stick to my word, that my boundaries are meaningless and she can go on threatening and using breakups to punish me and keep control of the relationship.

This would also apply to big fights and little fights would be filled with her wiggling and jiggling my "lesser" boundaries such as not having circular arguments and leaving the room for a time out if I think she's raging or trying to push my buttons. Obviously going to sleep on the sofa when I'm upset would be out too!

It's hard but I know I can't give anymore. Her actions have consequences and its on her to fix them not for me to just sweep it all under the carpet and let it go because that only results in escalation.

[G1B8oN]

I really wish the "breakup decision" wasn't left up to her actions...

Me too but I don't know how else to break this destructive cycle. It hurts me so much when she discards and her behaviour is always dreadful when we're in "breakup" mode. She knows which buttons to press and exactly how to hurt me.

I wish you could live your life...one you find fulfilling with or without her...

...What is the common theme?

I need to start living for me and focus on my wants and needs for a bit. Take the T's advice and stop worrying about her and the relationship so much and focus on doing things that make me happy, branch out, meet new people, escape this toxic bubble. If I'm truly happy alone she loses much of her power over me and I become someone worthy of her respect and I'll have the confidence to demand it too...

Switching gears.  What if you put "sharing" on lockdown. 

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

Yup, definite lockdown required. I guess it's just another relationship dream I throw on the garbage heap. I wish I could confide in her but I can't, not about anything it seems. It's just me, myself and I...and the counselling hotline from work!

[Enabler]

Any chance you could act badly (read self-servingly) when you are in break up mode (read being punished)?

You never know, you might like it and banish some of those personal fears of yours.

Enabler

[Enabler]

Hey GiB8on

How's things going?

How's the house and how are things going juggling you're GF's demands etc

Enabler

[Lucky Jim]

I need to start living for me and focus on my wants and needs for a bit. Take the T's advice and stop worrying about her and the relationship so much and focus on doing things that make me happy,

Hey G1, Right, I agree with your T.  Get back to being yourself.  Listen to your gut feelings.  I didn't and it lead to a lot of problems.  You already know, on some level, that things aren't working out the way things are going.  What would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for You?  What is your gut telling you to do?

LuckyJim

[formflier]

Hey GiB8on!  How are things?

Thought of your move as I was carrying boxes for my oldest daughter last night.  All the stuff is now "in" her house...will take a while to sort it out.


Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

Hello, sorry it's taken me so long to reply.

The house move has been an absolute, utter nightmare and very little of it is due to my partner!

I was supposed to have the attic and outbuildings for storage, this was verbally agreed but not in writing (I very much regret this) and when we turned up with all our stuff we discovered that the outbuildings and attic were locked and full of the landlord's stuff. This meant that there is no room in the house and everything has just been piled up for a month in the house including two bicycles and all my car maintenance stuff. The landlord refuses to empty the areas and says they can't afford to make the trip (they live 500 miles away) to collect their cr*p. For some reason the door has been taken from the shower room and replaced with a curtain and this is making the whole house damp and the toilet leaks all over the floor inside and outside the house. The garden was totally overgrown, the grass was hip height and too long to tackle with non-professional equipment and there's a whole list of other minor niggles and issues.

My partner stayed over the first couple of nights and it was then we discovered another issue; the whole place is crawling with bugs. There's thousands and thousands of woodlice (I think they're called pill bugs in the US) all over the house. Every morning I'm sweeping up a full dustpan of them and they crawl on me at night and I find them all in the pots and pans in the kitchen, in my laundered clothes and in the bottom of cereal boxes. After freaking out at the sight of all these bugs my partner vowed to never return to the house so I've been dealing with it all on my own as my partner's response to my request for help with stuff like painting or hanging a curtain pole is "you've got yourself in this situation, I've helped you enough and I have my own problems to deal with".

So far I've learned that the landlord is in debt and can't afford the repairs. This week I've learned that the landlord never got permission from her mortgage company to rent the house and if she defaults on payments I could be subject to immediate eviction. I managed to get the toilet fixed by reporting them to the council who served an enforcement notice but I had to manage with a broken toilet for a month. I've gotten a pest controller out and he's sprayed the whole house and the woodlice are now down to single figures and tackling the garden probably helped reduce their numbers too.

I've sought legal advice from multiple sources and have managed to get it agreed that if I find another tenant, I can leave my 12 month tenancy so for the past week I've been trying to make the house as pleasant as possible so I can re-let it.

I'm weirdly relieved that my partner wasn't on the tenancy agreement as I believe that all she would have done is blamed me for everything and gone to go live with her friend (which is where she is now).

I have been driving the 50 mile trip to see her 2-3 times a week and spending every weekend with her. We seem to be in a strange routine at weekends whereby I arrive at her house Friday night and she's rigid and standoffish, on Saturday she decides she's not happy about something (see my other thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339474.0 for one recurring instance) and on Sunday she's all over me like a rash and idealises me to a point of discomfort. Monday and Tuesday night she sends me messages accusing me of caring about money more than her and how she's more committed to the relationship than I am because I'm clearly not bothered by us being apart.

My response to this is to try and keep as centred as possible, to not JADE and to stick to phrases like "I really care that you feel this way, it's a difficult situation and I wish we lived closer" and "I can see this is really important to you, can we work on this problem together?" or "It sees that something is really bothering you, I'd love to hear your thoughts and I'll be just in the other room if you want to chat or troubleshoot". This mostly helps and I've been sure to bring a book or something to do when I visit her so that when she's in a sulk or trying to pick a fight I can exit the situation and do something relaxing.

I wish the house I moved into felt like my own space, a sanctuary, but it feels like I just go from the frying pan into the fire and back again right now. I'm utterly exhausted.

Anyway, thanks for checking in on me guys, it's really appreciated!

[formflier]

 I am a landlord in the US...I know our laws are different, but are you able to with hold payment or use your rent towards repairs.

I would think the outbuildings and attic are your unless specifically retained in the lease agreement (again..check your laws)

What was the walk through like before signing? 

Sorry you are having to deal with this...gotta love real estate.

Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

Hi FF!

My dad's a landlord too but unfortunately none of his properties are near my work and as a result we're pretty clued up about the law here.

In the UK it's not allowed to withhold rent money under almost any circumstance. There is a long and convoluted process to do this and it can pretty much only be done if the house is verging on uninhabitable.

As the outbuildings and attic are not specifically excluded in the agreement, yes, I should be able to enjoy full and exclusive use of the property but there is no easy way to force the removal of her goods as I am now a bailee of her property and can't just throw it out. I could take her to court but the fees are expensive and I'd be unlikely to get any compensation due to her debt issues.

The walk through was bug free (I later found a can of bug spray and a dustpan and brush under the kitchen sink so I suspect the issue was hidden but can't prove it). During the very brief, pressured walk through (there were 3 other groups looking around the small 2 bedroom house at the time) the tall letting agent stood in the doorway to the shower room the whole time...I realise now he might have been hiding the missing door. I never thought to check the toilet worked and when I asked to see in the outbuilding the letting agent said he'd accidentally left the key at the office. The garden was overgrown at the time and I asked if it would be cleared up before the tenancy began and the agent seemed offended by the mere suggestion they'd let it out in that state 

I just can't wait to get away from it. I can feel my partner is hoping we might move in together this time but I'm a bit conflicted as even though she's trying to behave better at times she's very much acting bratty and manipulative recently too. Having her friend wait on her hand and food and go along with all her distorted and delusional, paranoid thinking isn't helping matters I think but that's between them. It's not my job to parent her or try to manipulate her myself, I'm just trying to detach from it all as much as possible. At least there's been no further accusations of abuse!

[formflier]

OK...if the items were specifically written into the agreement (mowing, cleared out buildings, etc etc) would that have changed things.

Sorry it's not working out so well.

Are they having to pay for extermination?

Hey..isn't the flip side true?  They have debt.  So if you withhold rent, make them pay to come after you to get it.  IN the US this tactic is used to get a free "countersuit".

Many times in the response you then make your claims without having to have a filing fee.

Again..check local laws.

Have you talked to the "offended" letting agent about him letting it without cleaning it up? Stand up for yourself!

Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

Oh absolutely, I've HOUNDED the letting agents, I can feel them recoil at the sound of my voice when they answer 

Since realising what a useless bag of  I'm dealing with I've kept as much as possible in writing but the procedure goes...
DAY 1 - I send an email reminding them of the work that needs doing and ask for an update
            - I wait until around midday and then call. The person I need to speak to is always either on the phone or at lunch but I'm promised a callback
            - An hour later, no call so I call again. They tell me that it's either being "looked into" or they are awaiting a reply from the landlady and will call me back
              before they close. They do not call back

DAY 2 - I call to chase up the promised callback. Sometimes they have an answer (usually it's "not at this time as the LL doesn't have the funds") and other
              times I'm kicked into the long grass again.

Legally I could demand a toilet repair and that's why it has finally been fixed but there's no law stating I have to have a door on my bathroom or a working fan. Woodlice are not pathogenic and don't damage healthy wood so they are under no obligation to lift a finger. As the garden wasn't mowed when I moved in I can give the house back to them in that state and the clauses in my tenancy agreement about regular weeding and mowing are null and void BUT they are under no legal obligation to sort the garden so it falls to me to either live with it overgrown or suck it up and do it myself (I chose the latter).

Yes, if it was in writing that the outbuildings would be cleared and the lawn mowed then they would be bound by that agreement BUT I'd still have to get them to court if they decided they couldn't be bothered. I'll be reporting them to the Ombudsman though when I'm out.

If I withhold rent  it will destroy my credit rating and they can charge interest (about 5%) on the outstanding amount. I want to buy a house pretty soon so it would be a very risky approach. I don't believe the free counter-suit option exists in the UK. There are some areas where tenants are well protected here but others where the landlord very much has the balance of power.

[Enabler]

Steep learning curve, sorry to hear this as it's not at all what the Dr ordered. All said... you live and learn and it seems you're learning a heck of a lot of life experiences in a very short period of time and I dare say this experience will serve you well in the future. I certainly learnt a lot of lessons from our student house in south Wales where the landlord fixed a cracked bath with some selotape 

How can you relate your experiences with you GF to what you know about BPD? Are there any points of the push you might want to push back small on or not give reward for... i.e. train her a little?

Enabler

[G1B8oN]

Hi Enabler!

I see a lot of her behaviour is stemming from abandonment issues, lack of object permanence and unresolved hurt feelings and anger from me taking her off the contract for this house.

I think mainly I've just been trying best to not "cave".

I believe it's come as a bit of a shock to her that no matter how much she tries to guilt trip and manipulate me, if I've said I'm not coming down that night to see her then I'm not coming down and if she pushes the issue I will ask for her to respect my decision and then just give a stock response of "I know this is hard, it's hard for me too but I've been very clear and I've got nothing more to add to this discussion unfortunately".

My "push back" has been to just go do something on my own if she's pushing me away when I visit. Last night I was down there and she was making little digs at me and giving no response or monosyllabic responses to what I was saying so I said "It seem like you're not in the mood for a chat, I'm going outside to fix your friend's broken lawnmower" so that's what I did. After about half an hour she came out and watched me test it by mowing the lawn. Last weekend she was trying to force an issue and wouldn't let it drop so I told her I didn't think the discussion was making any more progress and my head ached so I went upstairs to read a book in peace and quiet.

One way she's pushing me away (or is she just punishing me?) right now is her refusal to set foot in my house. She claims she's deeply traumatised by the woodlice and the broken toilet but now they're fixed she still won't entertain the idea. This is making me do all the travelling to see her which is one reason why I'm adamant I won't go more than a couple of times a week. When she complains she doesn't see me enough and "this is not a relationship she can tolerate" I just remind her that she's welcome in my home whenever she'd like to visit and I'd happily collect her from the train station down the street.

Whilst this has meant I'm having to do all the work myself it also means she's trapped in this little village in the middle of nowhere 50 miles away from the city we're supposed to be living in with no transport or job prospects. She refuses to apply for jobs until I move house again because she claims she wouldn't be able to attend interviews and wouldn't be able to start a job in this city if she had nowhere to stay. As far as I'm concerned she's playing victim. She has got somewhere she could stay, she just refuses to do so. Rather than confront her directly with this I've said "hey babe, I'm sure you've also considered this but from my perspective, it seems like a possible solution to your job issues would be to just stay at my house when you get interviews and of course you'd be welcome to stay for a bit while you look for a place of your own". Her response to this was that I clearly don't understand trauma and she will never set foot in that house again. Oh well, ultimately she's hurting herself more than me with that stance.

[formflier]

Wouldn't they have to go to court to ruin your credit and all that other stuff?  Again..check your lawyers and since you want to buy, you may want to take the strategic route and make sure you don't ruin it.

That being said...check with your dad and local laws.

I would assume they can't just say you didn't pay, at which point it would have to be proven and you get your chance for counter arguments.

What would happen to you if you put landlords stuff out in overgrown grass with a tarp on it?  Then put your stuff in building? 

I agree with Enabler..lots of life lessons..hang in there.

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

I would think that it’s fair to appreciate some level of negativity towards your ‘squat’, it doesn’t sound that great... that said, when issues like the cheesy bugs, have been resolved the amount of credence given to her ‘black’ image of the property should lessen and lessen and maybe consider how she’s actually weaponising your home and scapegoating it into being a reason for not meeting your needs. One of your needs might be that you as a couple can spend time in your own home rather than hers, and for her to travel not you.

Another way that you could look at her employment situation is one where you would t be prepared to consider cohabitation game with her unless she has a method of paying her own way. There’s no need to clarify how she makes that happen or rescue her from her current double blind / “impossible position” she ‘finds’ herself in, just that if you ever might entertain living together it would be one where you both took equal financial responsibility. One pitfall of this might be that if she got a job she’d see that as definite that you would move in with her rather than just one of the barriers that stops you even considering it.

Self reflect on how much you are making excuses for her, especially living in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, remember you gave her ample chance to make that a different outcome but that was her choice not to participate in the role try search, and procrastinate.

I can certainly see abandonment play into her behaviour when you leave, when she thinks about you leaving on the Sunday and also can see the weirdness of the first interactions when you see each other on the Friday. It’s like getting to know each other again. I felt weird when I used to live with my W at uni then we’d go home for the holidays and she’d come over once a week. It would almost be like 2 dogs sniffing each other to work out what the other had been up to, how they were different, what we’d missed.. that was the feeling I had anyway. I felt similarly when I would come back on the weekends during our trial separation in 2016. Theres almost a Hypervigilance as to what each member of my family was like, how they were interacting with me and even what had happened to my home. It didn’t feel like I belonged, it didn’t feel like my home and I was an imposter. There could be weirdness on both parts and maybe she feels it more powerfully than you.

Well done for taking yourself away when things aren’t working for you. It sends a powerful message. Can you make a similarly powerful statement re the messages like not entertaining any more discussion about them?

Enabler

[G1B8oN]

Wouldn't they have to go to court to ruin your credit and all that other stuff?  Again..check your lawyers and since you want to buy, you may want to take the strategic route and make sure you don't ruin it.

That being said...check with your dad and local laws.

I would assume they can't just say you didn't pay, at which point it would have to be proven and you get your chance for counter arguments.

What would happen to you if you put landlords stuff out in overgrown grass with a tarp on it?  Then put your stuff in building? 

I agree with Enabler..lots of life lessons..hang in there.

Best,

FF

From what I understand the letting agents can report my non payment to the credit rating agencies.

I am unfortunately legally responsible for the LL's possessions so if they were damaged or stolen I would be liable. According to the neighbours who seem to know her quite well they are quite valuable things like DJ decks and records.

Also, according to the neighbours, the landlady is a difficult person to get on with, volatile and vindictive as she has "borderline polar disorder". This alone makes me wary of getting into a battle with her and I'd rather just put lipstick on this pig and get it re-let. I've learned my lesson and can't wait to buy!

[G1B8oN]

I would think that it’s fair to appreciate some level of negativity towards your ‘squat’, it doesn’t sound that great... that said, when issues like the cheesy bugs, have been resolved the amount of credence given to her ‘black’ image of the property should lessen and lessen and maybe consider how she’s actually weaponising your home and scapegoating it into being a reason for not meeting your needs. One of your needs might be that you as a couple can spend time in your own home rather than hers, and for her to travel not you.

Another way that you could look at her employment situation is one where you would t be prepared to consider cohabitation game with her unless she has a method of paying her own way. There’s no need to clarify how she makes that happen or rescue her from her current double blind / “impossible position” she ‘finds’ herself in, just that if you ever might entertain living together it would be one where you both took equal financial responsibility. One pitfall of this might be that if she got a job she’d see that as definite that you would move in with her rather than just one of the barriers that stops you even considering it.

Self reflect on how much you are making excuses for her, especially living in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, remember you gave her ample chance to make that a different outcome but that was her choice not to participate in the role try search, and procrastinate.

I can certainly see abandonment play into her behaviour when you leave, when she thinks about you leaving on the Sunday and also can see the weirdness of the first interactions when you see each other on the Friday. It’s like getting to know each other again. I felt weird when I used to live with my W at uni then we’d go home for the holidays and she’d come over once a week. It would almost be like 2 dogs sniffing each other to work out what the other had been up to, how they were different, what we’d missed.. that was the feeling I had anyway. I felt similarly when I would come back on the weekends during our trial separation in 2016. Theres almost a Hypervigilance as to what each member of my family was like, how they were interacting with me and even what had happened to my home. It didn’t feel like I belonged, it didn’t feel like my home and I was an imposter. There could be weirdness on both parts and maybe she feels it more powerfully than you.

Well done for taking yourself away when things aren’t working for you. It sends a powerful message. Can you make a similarly powerful statement re the messages like not entertaining any more discussion about them?

Enabler

Yes, I can totally empathize with her not wanting to live in the house whilst it was seething with bugs, smelled of sewage and you were greeted by the contents of the toilet on the floor every time it was flushed. Now it's all been mostly or entirely resolved the house isn't that bad. I mainly want out of it because I'm wary of a LL that can't afford small jobs like an extractor fan and I don't want to spend the next 11 months battling with her. I definitely think that punishing me is part of the black thinking in regards to the house. I'm not suggesting she moves in, just spends the odd night here. It's certainly nicer than many of the places we stayed in Thailand and she never minded those!

I've absolutely no sympathy for her employment or housing situation. They are both the consequences of her choices and continue to be so. She could have been applying for jobs for months but hasn't. I do wonder if fear of rejection is coming in to play there too, it's tough to get a job these days and she may be rejected many times before she gets a job, that's just how it is for most people unfortunately.

Yeah, I know what you mean about it feeling awkward at first when I haven't seen her for a few days. I don't think it helps that her friend is always there, hovering in the background and making it clear that I'm in *her* house on *her* territory, makes me feel a bit out of place. She also gets involved in discussions between me and my partner and is constantly giving my partner "supply" by agreeing that she's in such a difficult position, that she can stay with her rent free as long as she needs, there's nothing my partner can do until I move, she can't possibly stay with me etc. etc.

[formflier]

I would think it wise for you to invite her down for those "odd nights".  Then carry on having a good time regardless of if she shows up or not.

Leave the door open..let her know she is wanted...let her do what she will do.

So..you are actively looking for another place?  How is that going?

Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

Yes, that's what I'm trying to do. If she starts bemoaning her terrible situation I tell her she's welcome to stay with me, I'd love to spend more time with her. When she complains I'm not visiting her enough I tell her she's always welcome at my place.

She's incredibly defensive. When I told her the toilet was fixed and I hadn't seen a single woodlouse in the house for 3 days her response was "oh well, you might as well just stay there then, just don't expect me to go there, EVER, enjoy your 11 months alone." Pretty odd response, a "normal" response would have probably been "oh that's good news, bet you're relieved".

[formflier]

perhaps you missed my point (or not).  Invite her for an event at your house/place and then do the even whether she shows up or not.

It sounds like you are giving her general invites (which if given out to much might be "chasing"). 

The critical thing is that you have a good time (and don't hide that)..regardless of if she shows up.

So..

"Hey...I trying out the local fish mart tomorrow evening, please join me for some grilling."  (then proceed)

Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

Yeah, I'm wary of it turning into "nagging". As mentioned it last night I certainly won't be mentioning it for a while.

That's a good idea, in-house events are kind of a no-go as it's all boxes, decorating and chaos...perhaps she might be lured by a BBQ or a trip to a local restaurant, I don't mind dining alone if she doesn't join me!

[AskingWhy]

I am so sorry this is overwhelming for you.  What are you doing for self care now?

These are times when us nons have to take care of ourselves.   

[G1B8oN]

Not much really, I'm just so busy it's non-stop.

I'm cycling into work a few days to week which feels wonderful after almost 3 years of an almost 2 hour commute to work.  It's a really pretty route along the canal and past fields so that's nice.

My dad has really stepped up, he's helped me loads with house stuff both legal and and practical DIY stuff so it's been really nice to have some support there.

Otherwise my days consist of either going to work, eating junk food with the occasional cooked meal and working on house stuff or going to work and then driving 2 hours to spend the evening with my partner.

I've made a list of house stuff that needs completing and after that I'm giving myself the evening off to just sit and watch TV. I also get down time at the weekends when I visit my partner as she sleep in late and I get to just chill in bed with a book and coffee!

[Enabler]

FWIW I agree with FF on this, inviting her for something specific, something that she would be 'missing out' on... kinda saying 'things happen around where I live now, not just where you live'. Your GF sounds like she's rapidly slipping back into her old ways of power and control struggles, playing games and making everything win/lose (highlighted by her comment about fixing up the flat). In some respects I see you bending to her definition of what is and isn't reasonable and 'fair' yet we've explored in the past she's woefully bad at defining reasonable and fair. It's not unreasonable for you to say I come to you for 2 nights a week and you come to me for 1, in fact that's very reasonable especially when you work and she doesn't (give or take ability to meet the cost of transportation). The friend sounds a bit like a flying monkey and I see how unhelpful that is and how hard it is to stay firm with your definition of reasonable whilst you GF has a supporter saying otherwise.

I've had some great times in a hut in Koh Toa, Thailand on the beach of a hut on Waya Island, Fiji.

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

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