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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: She is already with someone else and said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore  (Read 349 times)
Shanel2515
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« on: September 18, 2019, 05:58:37 PM »

I am detached....you can’t reverse a relationship when someone tells you it is over and they don’t want to talk to you anymore
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Shanel2515
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« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2019, 06:09:19 PM »

We were in couples therapy, I would want to still be with her if it is possible it isn’t and not my decision....
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Shanel2515
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« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2019, 06:10:43 PM »

I love her.....I want to be with her but she is gone ....
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Shanel2515
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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2019, 06:15:38 PM »

She is already with someone else and said I she doesn’t want to be with me anymore...
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« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2019, 06:29:32 PM »

hi Shanel2515,

i moved you to the Detaching board. youll find the support youre looking for here.

it would be a good idea to share some of your story and catch the members here up.

we will help you get through this.
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« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2019, 11:46:59 AM »

I am beyond devastated and distraught...:and what she has done to me...and then blaming me for everything....here is the beginning of my story..I came very close to killing myself 5 weeks ago

...this is long.

I was so in love with my bpd ex and I still just blame myself that I wasn’t good enough to keep her. We talked about marriage, even with her 13 year old daughter…..I was involved with every aspect of her life…met her entire family and even went with her back home to Ohio a couple of times and told me I was the most handsome, sexiest man, the sex was unlike anything she has ever had…that she had never felt so loved and never felt so close to someone….and we had so much fun. She said she could tell me anything and then could just break up with me and act as if I never existed….using the silent treatment and seemed not care how much I hurt…..there was so much splitting and black and white thinking, it was beyond heartbreaking. I would be there for her whenever she needed me and when I needed almost anything in ways of wanting to feel connected when I was scared or needing her, she told me I was selfish and I couldn’t hold myself and I wasn’t good for her or daughter…in these absolute statements and would break up with me constantly in the year and a half we were together. She always accused me of having ulterior motives for loving her and could never tell me what they were…I loved this woman in ways I have never loved anyone. There is so much to say…I am completely overwhelmed and heartbroken and I feel like I am insane. I definitely experienced a psychotic and paranoid side to her that was very frightening…but I loved her just the same… She once told me “I was born with something missing and everyone has known I am emotionally and mentally sick but me and all I do is hurt people and unfortunately for both of us you are in the cross fire” I talked to her for two hours about how horribly she felt about herself, she said she never has been felt so loved and cared for…. I would of always stuck by her…when I wanted to come by for a hug and a kiss 3 days later she broke up with me because I was “violating” her space and boundaries…the push/pull dynamics were beyond crazing making and there was so much that hurt me and I just was trying to love her and stay connected…which she just seemed to always use against me and never ever asked if I am ok or what I needed….I wanted to give her what she needed but it felt like I had to give up myself to do that….and then when I needed her she punished me and push away and could just watch me burn. I am bawling writing this….i can’t believe she could just walk away like I was nothing. Was this all a lie? Did I mean nothing? I am sorry it is just so devastating. I know on some level she is deeply sick but I just can’t let her go and I would always love her….and in the end she just wanted to get away from me as if I was such a bad person, which absolutely kills me. This is all the tip of the iceberg..I couldn’t possibly say everything. I am seeing two different therapist and I know I have been broken in a way I didn’t think was possible. If anyone can talk out here I would appreciate it.      somedays I don’t feel like I am going to make it.... i feel like I am going insane. I thought I found the love of my life and she always said I was…and then could shut it all off…in almost a moment and I became almost evil to her…like I was abusive and awful….when I just loved her and her daughter…am I perfect?….GOD NO…but I always tried so hard…in the last week I knew her we made love twice and shared all this deep stuff and I saw her on a Monday we were kissing passionately and hugging and talking and laughing and then she just flipped on me and said how awful I was for wanting to come and be with her the Wednesday night before and I don’t care about her and I will never be able to put my needs aside…..in this absolute BLACK AND WHITE WAY……..It was completely irrational and unfair and I tried to listen and also say how I was feeling….and she broke up with me 3 days later…in 3 sentences through text….and I never heard from her again after talking about future plans that Monday too…..can’t believe any of this…we were both 47 years old…..and I thought I found the person who appreciated me for all I am…..flaws and all. Because I certainly loved her that way….. it just swirls in my head and I keep coming back to the fear I needed too much and required too much emotional holding and connection. I know I struggling with hating myself in some ways….. but I always strive to more deeply understand myself and others….and she told me that is what she loved about me the most….was my sensitivity, awareness and vulnerability ….me being emotionally articulate and my struggle and that she felt so understood and loved and then would turn around tell me I was too much and she needed her space and distance…and then tell me how selfish I was when all I wanted and needed was to be close or know she was emotionally there….she said she wanted to meet me in the middle but she never did…..the middle meant I had to give up everything I needed and the when I did need her when it was not convenient for her she would call me selfish…….she used everything against me as ammunition never to know more about me or herself….and that I was JUST untrustworthy and really the problem…in these absolute ways…and not good for her. I just don’t know how to process this....I broke contact yesterday and she was mean and didn’t even ask if I was alright she just blamed me that I was insecure  and possessive and tired to control her....took no responsibility that my insecurity had something to do with her constantly breaking up with me and looking at other men constantly in front on me...and even going on tinder when we weren’t broken up and once when she broke up with me telling me she needs to focus on herself and went out on a date and then we go back together two weeks later....help!!!!! .


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Shanel2515
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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2019, 11:55:09 AM »

I miss the life I thought I was going to have with her....I miss her daughter....I miss her daughters friends....I miss the laughs and the private jokes....I miss the person who told me she never felt so loved and cared for or known..the person who said “I can tell you anything” that told me she didn’t ever feel alone with.......yes i miss the woman who told me she wanted to marry me...I miss her smile her laugh...her body...the way sounded when she came.....I miss us making love, holding each which she said the sex and holding each other was unlike anything she had ever know...that I played her like an instrument....the woman who told me I was the most handsome and sexiest man she had ever been with...and had never been so close to anyone in her life except for a couple of friends in college...but in never in a romantic relationship and she loved me for my sensitivity and affection and passion.....that she said we could never find what we have with anyone else and the sex alone people would marry for...but now all I am is jealous, possessive, insecure, lacking confidence, controlling and I tried to control her life....so and now I mean nothing to her and she moved on to someone else so yes I am pretty broken up about that and I don’t know what to believe anymore...about anyone anymore myself included.......

She told me I was this wonderful man so deep and kind and loved her in ways no one ever has and then could just turn her back on me like I was nothing....there is so much to tell and say...I can’t make sense of any of this...did she lie about all of it....

and I was involved all aspects of her daughters life and hers and I met her family and went to every one of her daughters school events with her as a couple….knew all her daughter friends and parents and we talked about marriage all the time even once with her daughter at her birthday day dinner…..so much wonderful stuff and so much horrific ….it is hard to believe…….there I hundreds things I could say… the constant break ups I think like 10–15 times in a year and the silent treatments….her ability to turn her feelings on and off after telling me she loved me and was in love with me and make love and then a small thing would happen then she told me early on that one of her diagnosis was borderline and she told me many times that all she does was hurt people and a year into our relationship…she told me she didn’t know who she was and she need me to help her figure it out…and I saw her in many almost dissociative states and almost psychotic like paranoia…one day she went off on herself telling me

“I was born with something missing , everyone has known I am emotionally and mentally sick but me…all I do is hurt people and that is why I should not be around people…you think you love me and you think you know me…but all I do is hurt people and unfortunately for the both of us you are caught in the crossfire.”

When I got there after her telling me this I walked up to her outside of her car and she was crying and I hugged her and kissed her on the forehead…and she said softly sobbing “you want me like this?” And right after that in this rage full paranoid voice...almost psychotic state “YOU WANT ME LIKE THIS!” With this crazy look in her eyes....It was chilling

And I talked to her lovingly for 2 hours after that and she said she has never felt so loved in entire life....3 days later she broke up with me because I had a bad day and I wanted to get a hug and kiss from her....all she had to do was walk out her door but I was violating her space…


the hundred of times we made love the thousands of hours of talking..

I broke no contact after 2 months: She said I was the she needs some one who is secure and confident and that I am possessive and jealous and that she started not to like me at the end and she said you want me to get harsh? Like she wasn’t being harsh already? I am just this bad guy now...none of the amazingly loving man she told me I was....She said nothing about her or she was sorry about anything....her tone was mean and short and told me to stop contacting her and that it was sad that I can’t move on....I asked her if she was seeing one and she said it was none of my f’ing business....and I said so that is a yes and asked if it started before we ended....she said no...which I don’t believe....she didn’t show the tiniest concern about me or how I felt....I asked her if she hated me and she coldly said no...and I asked if she only thinks about me in negative ways...she coldly said no but beat the hell out of me the entire time....when she answered i said it is Shane and she said “what do you want” she hung up on me....


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Shanel2515
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« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2019, 12:06:51 PM »

I am sorry about missing words or redundancies...they are from other posts...when I thought there was hope which now I know there is none.
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Shanel2515
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« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2019, 01:07:31 PM »

I am so stupid and naive….I changed my whole life for her bought her a promise ring……that she said she wanted…..got a different car to drive a long distance from her place to my work that she said was a better choice for US..
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Shanel2515
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« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2019, 01:09:27 PM »

And projections...the punishment never fit the crime with me...which she admitted to me at times....I just am so confused how she doesn't miss me or thinking about me and just moved on to someone else...with all of what happened...we were in her sisters kitchen in Cleveland a month before she walked away permanently...her sister asked her if she is going to move...and she looked at me and said "we are probably going to move" meaning me her and her daughter....a month later she breaks up with me saying just

"Shane I don't want to be with you anymore, and I don't want to talk about anymore either. It is over. Please leave me alone now."
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« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2019, 01:38:39 PM »

Excerpt
I thought there was hope which now I know there is none.

letting go of hope is one of the hardest parts, but when we do, thats when we really start to grieve. to fully grieve, unfortunately, is the way through.

i remember when i let go of hope. i had been a basket case for months, but when i let go of hope, it was a deeper, darker sort of depression. but eventually, it started to get better.

there is hope that you can get through this with the help of the family here. as hard as that is to imagine right now, you really can.

you have suffered (are suffering) a significant loss. we are here to listen, and to help.
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Shanel2515
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« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2019, 01:49:25 PM »

Did you read all of what I wrote? I need so much help...I don’t know how I could jump through all of her hoops and every time it felt like we were really...getting there...all the things we did all things she told me how wonderful I was to her and her daughter and no one loved her like me...please people read all what I wrote....it is so long I know...and changes nothing but it means a lot to me..
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2019, 02:14:37 PM »

Dear Shane-

I am sorry that you’re in so much pain.  You truly are grieving, OR is right, and it’s best to allow yourself to move through that process.

Reading through others’ posts will help you realize that many members have gone / are going through experiences and loss similar to yours.  That realization doesn’t make your pain “easier” per se, but there is some comfort in knowing there is a somewhat shared experience here.  How can someone simply “forget” us and move on so quickly?  My NPD/uBPD exH (19 years) threw me across the room one night and that was that.  He was a bad man.  Where my uBPDbf is actually a GOOD man with some issues (that I don’t ignore now that I know).

Also reading through the resources on our site about BPD and the evolution of these relationships may explain some things for you.  That helped me a great deal.

None of this is your fault.  The love comes so deeply; and our BPD partners’ inclination is to run once the intensity reaches a certain point.  I really think it takes “age” (mine is 61) and a huge amount of emotional strength and work on our part to hold them steady.  Still, after 6 years, I need to remind my bf that the appropriate response to my tears is hugging (not yelling).

Your exGF knows she hurts people, she’s just not at the point yet to care enough to change that.  Too painful... so she seeks the eternal honeymoon phase.  When her daughter tries to “escape” from her grip, the pain and reality may hit her head on.  But sadly, as long as men allow themselves to be treated this way, her behavior will continue.  Nothing changes until something changes.

The very good thing is that these relationships do force US to heal some long suppressed wounds and alter some unhealthy patterns.  And we do heal and become more whole.  Believe that, my friend.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2019, 02:16:20 PM »

And Shane, yes... I did read all of what you wrote, both here and on the bettering board.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Avanzando

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Wolves; a good reminder that we all need support!


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« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2019, 03:56:27 PM »

Hello Shane,

I may be speaking out of turn, as I am new here as well, but coming from a different branch of the same tree I hope you don’t mind. I am a 39 year old daughter of a BP and have spent 37 of those years as a co-dependent and am preparing to leave. I’ve been in therapy for a few months and am gaining insight.  Anyone, if I speak out of turn please let me know!

First, all healthy relationships are supposed to be give and take, differences of opinion, compromise. I personally feel as bad for the 13 year old being born into a BP environment (as I can relate to it) as I do for an adult who loses more and more of themselves on the giving end of any relationship.  My Mom has played the yo-yo (Keep your distance a little closer) game with me and projected her feelings on me since before I can remember and all these years later I’m pretty confused as well. Maybe it’s still part of my denial, but I don’t believe it’s meant to be a lie or done with the intent to hurt. The love is as real as the hate and I believe we are the projected outcome of how confused the BP is inside.  The pain and confusion of the non-BP is the side-effect with life-altering consequences for us. And they do think of us and the do know deep down how badly they have hurt us... but to admit anything more than superficial responsibility (I’m sorry you felt that way, but), to feel the full weight of responsibility for all the people they’ve hurt, would be too much and make their entire universe collapse. After all, BPs go through all that extra chaotic work just to create an invisible shield where they feel protected; they’re simply too terrified to  show vulnerability.

In Mom’s case there’s a lot of mental health issues in the family dynamics and Mom was beaten mercilessly and witnessed other family members being beaten since she was very young. She used to hide. As she got older she learned to run away just to be brought back into the abuse. Then she learned to fight back.  She never learned to stop... she is stuck in the running away and fighting back at the same time for so long (both of her abusers are dead now) it seems like it’s become an addiction for her (maladaptive coping skill) and at nearly 60 she is still raging at people while playing the victim.  Most people have enough wisdom to know they are not what she acuses them of being; I however did not know this until recently. I am making changes and setting limits and it is making... no... it is triggering worse bouts of the yo-yo problem and she is exposing more of her chaos in front of others. My sister has been out of our lives for some time and, now, I am choosing to walk away... but to help from a distance.

I have also come to realize that my self-harm and passive and active suicidal desires have been  partly from the manipulation, confusion and identity loss, and exhaustion... but it’s also PARTLY from projection from my BP. When she knew I was suicidal, I felt she was  pushing me harder.

I guess what I am trying to say is, what I am learning is... for any relationship to work we have to understand and be confident in who we are and what we want, and yet be willing to soften and be open to the idea of making a few changes without giving up our identity. I felt like a suicidal lunatic for years and was that way when I started therapy and I feel pretty crazy still, being caught between two realities (the BP reality I was raised in and the new reality of how more balanced people function).  I am leaving to go on a quest to find myself (it’s sad when a person can’t identify who they are on the inside) and try to repair the little girl that was damaged and broken so many years ago.

No offense intended,... even marriage would not have helped your relationship. You would have been stuck as the co-dependent and I know for certain that is a very dangerous place to live... in more ways than one. Hold on to the good memories, of course,  but maybe make the bad ones useful- let them be your motivation to rediscover who you really are; what you gave up and what kind of person you want to work at becoming now.  I can’t “take my life back”, because I don’t have a point of reference to a time when I lived a balanced life; for me... I have to discover my life fresh (very scary idea, by the way, but very necessary).  Now that so much of you has been eroded by someone else’s thoughts, opinions and beliefs let the experience motivate you to discover yourself all over again. For me, it feels like a healthy way to keep busy while going through the grieving process. And when you hit the angry phase, if you’re not an angry person by nature, don’t fight it; it’s very uncomfortable being angry but if it’s turned into constructive motivation (for me it’s lingering in deep  prayer and channeling the energy into helping others)  it is possible to get through it with no harm done.

Also, for some piece of mind, there’s really not much you can do to help your ex’s daughter. It has to be your ex’s decision to get help to change and to get help for her daughter.  Children of BPs, I’m learning, are often a sacrifice of sorts... the non-BP tries to help but it only triggers more problems for the child(ren) and for the non-BP himself. I recently contacted my Dad (estranged relationship) and talked him about Mom’s BPD and he said when I was young he tried so hard to fight for visitation but Mom kept moving too much for the courts to keep up with and she would put me in and take me out of his life whenever and however she wanted to. He finally had to give up because he was going crazy over the games. Now he believes that in all these years I have become a mirror copy of her and has ordered me to stay out of his life. I’m not upset with him, and I don’t blame him for feeling that way, but it’s another facet that makes me feel like a casualty of war.

I sincerely apologize if I’ve said anything that offended you. Please accept the honest and sincere motives behind the words.
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Shanel2515
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« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2019, 03:59:33 PM »

Thank you.....I just thought I found someone who really wanted to form a healing bond and relationship in the face of both of our hurt and trauma.....to face her trauma snd and want to integrate hers and being more of ourselves to each other...she said that is what she wanted and needed and no one loved her like I did or was there for her like me....
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« Reply #16 on: September 20, 2019, 04:14:28 PM »

There was no offense in anyway...I appreciate your perspective....I miss her and her daughter and I loved her and I would of stuck by her through thick and thin...and I did but she would split me and leave and now she is gone forever...she is in therapy and I think her therapist wanted me gone....at first it felt like her therapist thought of me as a good person for her bought I have no ideas....there are parts of this situation I have not brought up yet...but it doesn’t change the treatment from her...but it is her attacks of why and how she split me...and her black and white thinking....we couldn’t work anything out because of this all or nothing distorted thoughts...I mean I am insecure in someways ...I never told said I am not...but not for no reason...she told me she looked at other men because she was insecure but that is the point we couldn’t talk about things...and share and include each other...I wanted to know her deeply...not just judge her behavior but that is all she was interested in me...everything was ammunition and evidence to be used against me instead of how can we feel each other more and understand more and be closer...
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« Reply #17 on: September 20, 2019, 04:30:29 PM »

But I worry that if I was a little different then we could of been together and she could say.....but the more I learn and the more I see how much of myself I had to give up of myself to maintain any form of connection and she didn’t really care about how I felt.....I realize it couldn’t work.....it never was about me or how I felt every time I tried to get what I needed or wanted from her she said I was selfish, or needy or immature you name it....
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« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2019, 04:37:21 PM »

Avanzando has composed a beautiful and painful explanation from the daughter’s first-hand point of view.  Your words leave me breathless... thank you, and I pray for your strength in your healing journey.

Shane- you can see through her words that despite the deep pain and confusion you feel, the motivation behind the BPD’s actions are generally not “bad”.  I don’t see my BPDbf’s actions during dysregulation as “bad”, but he’s very low on narc traits.  He too was subjected to tortuous beatings as a child and adolescent.  And is still emotionally brutalized by his mother.  My exH was another story (extreme Narc).

The more you learn about BPD behavior, the better you’ll understand what took place during your relationship.  Focus on actions and behavior, not words.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #19 on: September 20, 2019, 04:38:36 PM »

You are beginning to see things more clearly.  Coming out of the FOG.

GEMS
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« Reply #20 on: September 20, 2019, 05:26:36 PM »

But what is so hard to not take on is her leaving....and making me the enemy....the person who tried to understand her and love her even in ways she couldn’t....it seem like the more I tried the more she hated me....it had to get away from...the more I made her feel herself....was I perfect no...was sometimes selfish and not able to hold parts of me in my abandonment yes..I would het scared and act in ways I didn’t want to and I would get angry when I felt so pushed aside and my feelings seemed so unimportant to her......when I felt there wasn’t a connection and she just wanted to push me away and have her space........but I was suppose to just do that and hold the whole relationship in those times and that wasn’t fair....I had needs too and I was attacked for that..... it wasn’t really a relationship...I don’t see her as bad...I love her still....she sees me as bad...and damaging and awful...even with everything she has done I would be there...we were in couples therapy which she said she didn’t want to continue she is a recovering alcoholic and Xanax addict but what seems to be apparent is that our relationship was bringing up a lot for her....and she couldn’t talk to me about her feelings or that they were even a part of her....she only blamed me and the relationship that these issues were coming up....not these feelings and issues are hers and we could move forward together in them....she turned ME into alcohol....that I was just toxic....she is a dry drunk...she hasn’t dealt with the feeling of why she is so scared in the first place...I don’t know...I just know that I loved her and I wanted to deeply know her and for her to know I would be there and sometime I am afraid I failed her...
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« Reply #21 on: September 20, 2019, 05:48:07 PM »

I have never loved someone so much in my life....I was and still am in love with her...I wish I could hate her as she hates me...which I don’t deserve to be hated...and that breaks my heart even more....i talked to her last Thursday and  she doesn’t doesn’t care about me anymore in anyway....I just don’t get it...we made love so passionately the last week I saw her...and she told me she loved me twice on that last day....and now I am nothing....
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #22 on: September 20, 2019, 08:09:17 PM »

Dear Shane-

Unfortunately she apparently is not in the place in her life yet where she can face why she is the way she is.  Not yet.  And she does NOT hate you, although it may feel that way to you.  It’s more herself she hates.  I had never felt more deeply loved or intensely HATED than I was by my uBPDbf.  We are older, have been through a LOT and I’m praying those hate days are behind us.  But I don’t know...

To pwBPD, FEELINGS = FACTS, meaning they will change the narrative to fit whatever they may be feeling IN THE MOMENT.  This comes out as projection and blaming on you - her partner - being made to “feel” responsible for whatever BAD thing she’s feeling.  And if you have any insecurities or codependent leanings, you’re likely to absorb that blame and take that on.  That’s where YOUR work needs to step up NOW.  And your awareness.  Can you see sense in any of what I’m saying?

I see you trying your darndest to make “sense” of what’s taken place ... making passionate love one minute and being completely dismissed and forgotten the next.  My friend, it makes no sense.  It’s NOT something you or I would do.  Our wiring is attached, so to speak.  Her wiring is not completely plugged in.  There’s a disconnect in how many pwBPD process intense feelings - feeling “out of control”, or engulfed, too tied to another.  It can’t seem to connect for them until they do the hard work.  They’re too afraid.  Not couples work (too much shame).  Their OWN work.

Everything said to a pwBPD is taken to extremes.  When you point out to a pwBPD any shortcoming in behavior, i.e. “honey, you didn’t do this for me”; they hear screaming in their head  “YOU’RE BAD, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS BAD AND AWFUL AND YOU SUCK AND WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING TO ANYONE AND YOU’RE UGLY TO ME AND UNLOVEABLE”.

You’ve got to try to learn about BPD to understand.  But stop yourself from trying to apply your logic to HER behavior.  This had so little to do with you.  As long as you NEVER needed or wanted ANYTHING at all from her (unsustainable and you likely would have WANTED out eventually).  In a bit of time, when you really begin to look at the numerous breakups, what happened just before she’d split, how your needs were always ignored... you’ll begin to question just what it was you loved. 

We cannot “love” someone to wellness.  We canNOT fix another person, no matter how strong, self-assured and confident we may be.

Be patient with yourself, my friend.  And please begin to journal if you’re not already doing this.  Write everything that comes to mind, stream of consciousness stuff.  It’s so good for you.

And begin your self-care.  Eat right, sleep, go for walks, spend time with people who love and value you for you.

You’re going to move through this... patience.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

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Wolves; a good reminder that we all need support!


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« Reply #23 on: September 21, 2019, 01:38:14 AM »

Thank you Gemsforeyes.

This was my meditation the day after Mom severely raged at 3 professionals who went generously above and beyond to help us solve a major problem. I started with prayer and mindfulness practices and ended with detachment, a severe anxiety attack and self-injury with suicidal ideation. She raged and I absorbed the blame and shame again; thankfully, not to the same degree as I did before therapy and the SWOE second edition and subsequent workbook. The rest of that day and the next I kept my distance because the rage was continuing and I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope well; I had plenty of time for meditation as to how I got to this crossroad in my life. As I said, being a co-dependent is a very dangerous way to live and an imbalanced idea to think we can help someone else by depleting ourselves. It’s a psychological war zone. I saved a BP site’s quote that says: “Insanity is... when you love someone so much, you help them destroy you by trying to save them.” If my battery is almost dead, what do I have left to help the one whose draining it?!

When I read Shane’s story, I felt compelled to write as I am finally opening up about the things I’ve suffered shame for in all these years... the BPD patterns are pretty much the same across the variety of people it affects... almost like we’re talking about the same person (giving credit to how masterful the affliction is).  I was having a clearer moment when I responded to Shane, so thank you for your kind reply.  I’m sure I would have answered differently if I was freshly on either end of the yo-yo string!

Shane, there’s nothing wrong with seeking help to make sense of this. BPs live in an alternate reality that is hard to understand unless you’ve lived it yourself (being a BP too); codependents interpret the results and feel the affliction but even we don’t understand it without outside help.  It’s like bipolar, except she’s on one end of the spectrum and is forcing you to play the part of the other end of HER spectrum, leaving you with no room for your own identity.  That’s where sticking to personal limits is so important; to keep or gain your own identity. You can’t fix your ex’s life, but you have the opportunity and choice to fix your own... if you have the desire and motivation to do so.

“Namaste Shane”... to translate: “Shane, I wish you absolute peace; from the depths of my soul to the depths of yours.”
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« Reply #24 on: September 21, 2019, 02:01:00 AM »

Hang in there brother,

Both Gems and Avanzando have sound advice. Read and reread their responses. Read over your posts multiple times. It helps to read what you wrote. There are a lot of answers in what you have already posted. You are in the fog right now but you are very slowly making your way out. I see it. You do to.

Tell your story as many times as you have to. No one here is going to fault you for that. Get it out. let the poison leach out.

I know exactly how you feel my friend. I’m just a little farther along in the healing process than you.

When mine first left me I was so distraught I transcribed every text messages we ever sent up to that point into a word document that was over 160 pages long. I went through those texts over and over and over again looking for any clues as to what I had done wrong.

We always want to blame ourselves rather than them just like they always want to blame us rather than themselves.

Another day longer another day stronger......

 
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« Reply #25 on: September 21, 2019, 09:45:26 AM »

I thank you all for your responses and regarding me coming out of the fog....I don’t know if I am because I feel like I didn’t communicate as well as I could of...that I let my emotions and fear get the best of me...and I got really scared and I pushed really hard when I felt her going away....or emotionally wasn’t present....to feel like we were so close and then her just want to be left alone...without any consideration of how I felt it seemed terrified me...that my hurt or need in those moments  was met with such punitive and black and white conclusions about who I was....it hurt so badly and I would just try harder....a part of me feels like I chased her away...I miss her so much and I love her so much and I just wish she could feel I was trying so hard to understand and give...I wish some one could talk on the phone with me...because it is so hard to explain how I feel about how I failed her and the relationship....that if I could of listened better and not of been so emotional reactive myself it could of worked   But am I just being unfair to myself? I know this is where I have been my whole life...I take others feeling on as I caused them in them....and she was a master of projection blame...and she didn’t include my feelings or seem to even want to feel how it was to be me in what as happening...she would “say” at time she wanted to...talk about it but never did...i guess how could I respond the way I wanted when there was no one there to care about me? But I wanted to work things out still...I am still in love with her and would want a life with her but I can’t trust she would ever feel herself and want to feel me....but the way I feel about her......how can she not miss me...after all me caring for her in so many ways...even in ways that were acknowledged by her but now? I am just this selfish, insecure, controlling lacking confidence....that is ALL I am and she is gone forever and with another....she use to tell me “we could never find this with anyone or anywhere else, some people would marry for the sex alone” and she told me so many things that she said she never told anyone before me....how am I just the forgotten enemy now?
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« Reply #26 on: September 21, 2019, 09:51:38 AM »

I am worried I overwhelmed her and I couldn’t hold myself...I mean she was so cool most of the time.....she seemed so rational and logical but soooo cold and then would be this anxious and scared mess in someways..I never knew what behavior was corresponding to which...what she was feeling when...and how to be with her...maybe because she didn’t and that was why she couldn’t tell me? It hurt so badly because I wanted and needed to be connected to her
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« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2019, 09:57:02 AM »

I just started crying at work.....I am filled with so much despair I miss her so much...my Beth...even the last week we shared so much and so much passion and affection and but I am sure she was already talking to my replacement...I don’t know what to believe anymore...was she sleeping with other men when we broke up....I don’t know anything...but I miss the life we were building.....my Beth...I will always love you
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Harri
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« Reply #28 on: September 21, 2019, 03:02:33 PM »

Staff only

This thread reached the thread limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339659.msg13077878#msg13077878

Thank you
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