Son can't face bills and responsibilities without selling drugs. Prefers jail

[FaithHopeLove]

Soo just as soon as I adjust myself to seeing completing probation as my new definition of success my son informs me that handling bills and responsibilities without dealing drugs is too much for him. He prefers jail. I am out of the country until November. My husband is going to talk to my son about alternatives. Will this nightmare never end?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

His choice, not yours.

Not a great help, but it seems like a thinly-veiled threat to force you into taking care of him.  I read that as "I'm going to sell drugs and go to jail, or...… (you could solve this problem for me).

If this is out of line, I'm sorry.


And I'm sorry you're being put in this position.


you're not alone.

-jyw

[FaithHopeLove]

You are so right JYW
He is trying to get us to take care of / enable him. You are not out of.line at all
 It is the truth.
 

[wendydarling]

I agree with you Faith and jyw.

That said, Faith your son is in a very serious and unusual situation, one I've not seen here.

What is the big picture, at this point?

 

WDx 

[PeaceMom]

Faith,
I agree w/JYW. This reminds me of my DD19 saying “if____, then I will just kill myself” . It’s terrifying to hear, but I can’t and won’t be taken emotional hostage by these threats to get me to do something that is not within my power or that is against my core values.

What more could you do for him? You hired an expensive, smart attorney so I’m not sure there is anything else in your power to do, right?

I’m sorry for your emotional turmoil as you keep adapting your expectations to his ever changing unstable circumstances. We tend to keep lowering our expectations for our adult children, but maybe we should gently lay our expectations for them totally aside. Easier said than done, but what other choice do we have knowing what we do about Radical Acceptance.

Again, my heart goes out to you as I have had a DS in jail-I feel your shame, pain, fear and anger.

[FaithHopeLove]

WD the big picture is my son is charged with felony drug trafficking. He is out on probation and will be sentenced in a year.

PM you are right. I have to go to the next level of radical acceptance and put the responsibility for his life choices in my son's lap. I have done all I could
 What happens happens whether it is death or jail or a good life.

[Normlee]

Faith, my heart hurts for you and your son. I agree with JYW too.  I believe your son wants to be rescued. My son does this too. The only option they lay out as feasible is a horrible choice. I think they know it is in part. And there's another part that believes they are a victim and they have ___ as their only option.  I'll be praying that your son can begin to believe it's possible with supports in place to try a different way. There is some golden ring draw that promises them easy big money. My son recently threw out his only option if his plan A for work falls through that he can only do plan B which will guarantee more injury to damaged spine.  Take care of yourself where you are.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for your prayers Normlee
He does want to be rescued. I find ir so pathetic. I just wish he would man up already. But I don't control him. I control me and I am starting to see that I really need to step back and let this be his problem not mine.

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

that handling bills and responsibilities without dealing drugs is too much for him

This is how he feels his truth. His feelings can be validated.

I wonder if he’s like my son28 and struggles to manage his money?  Your son has found an easy way to make a living and so doesn’t have to juggle his money because he finds that task difficult. Any Thoughts?

Of course, your son can learn to handle bills and responsibilities but he chooses the path of least resistance.

He resists growing up Faith. I agree with the others and feel he’s pushing your buttons. Your son makes his own choices yet still pulls on you. It’s ok to say No and tell him you know he can solve his own problems,

You can choose to not react. Doing nothing at all, can be progress.

How often are you in contact with him?

Lp

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks LP
I am starting to see what you all are saying about my son manipulating me because he doesn't want to grow up. I was just thinking about his birth. I had to have an emergency c section because he would not drop into the birth canal and was passing meconium (defeating on himself.) After he was born he was perfectly fine physically but always intense emotionally. It is like a life theme with him and a constant challenge for a person like me who embraces growth and change. I often wonder why God put us together. I think maybe it is because it takes someone like me to love someone like him. Even so I am not as close to my son as my husband is. The two of them are in constant contact. My husband has been a bit codependent but is getting much better. Their interactions are pretty healthy now. I am in Africa an ocean away where I am teaching until mid November so my interaction with my son is mostly by text. Ever since he told me he would rather be in jail I have been crying and feeling terrible. I am really trying to detach and not let myself be manipulated. I have been reading more about radical acceptance and praying to God for guidance and feeling terribly hurt because I just can't seem to let this go. Thanks for listening

[Normlee]

Faith, your love for your son is so evident in your posts. I feel you are getting help to let go. That in God's timing you are far away from your son during this  difficult struggle he has in front of him.
I don't know if this is true for your son but mine will make the worst proclamations like I'd rather be in jail, the hospital, dead... And I am devastated and in a panic. For me my reaction at that statement is a point where I can change me. I'm beginning to think the stupid comment is his knee jerk default just as my knee jerk panic and urge to rescue. A few days ago I challenged his I choose not to live anymore by asking him if he's planned out his suicide or is just considering it because of his pain. I was shocked when he started to backpedal.  I agree with the thought your son feels he may not be able to manage money or live life straight. It is something he can learn though. Is there any mentoring support available from men who were in the system and learned how to live life differently?  Just some thoughts.  Hugs

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Normlee
You may be right about his statement being a knee jerk reaction to the stress he feels as he tries to go straight. He has tons of support from his dad, his drug program, and others. If he ever agrees to therapy he can have that too. All the support systems are in place. It is up to him to use them. Today he sent me a brief text thanking me for my support so there is that.

[livednlearned]

I wonder too if it's a way to poke you for a reaction.

[FaithHopeLove]

He could have very well been poking me for a reaction. Next time I will be more aware of that possibility.

[Lulu808]

This is one of the issues I am dealing with with my daughter -  she knows our values, morals and ethics and knows exactly what to say to upset us. When we give her an ultimatum, ask her to get a job or refuse to give her money for unnecessary things she talks about doing things that horrify us. That’s one of the reasons why I said that we feel “extorted.” We love our child and want the best for her and have been more than willing to help her get on track but when she refuses to get a job and put in an honest day’s work what can we do?

[twocrazycats]

That's great that he sent the text thanking you for your support!

My first thought was knee jerk reaction, too. My daughter does that a lot too. She can't see shades of gray. Something is either easy to do or impossible. And if the frustration is too great, she'll respond with an extreme statement like that.

If he says something like that again, could you maybe respond with just a short statement of both validation of feelings and support, something like, "I understand this must be really difficult for you, but I'm confident you can do it."

Sending prayers that he successfully completes his probation.

[FaithHopeLove]

I understand this must be really difficult for you, but I'm confident you can do it.

Yes I can and will do that. But I think I will leave off the "I am confident you can do it" part because I am afraid his BPD mind will hear that as more pressure to live up to my expectations. What I did tell him is "I think you underestimate yourself."

[Normlee]

I like your response Faith. I'm borrowing it for future use. Thanks

[Swimmy55]

I like that, Faith.  That seems to be an excellent response on your part.  Your DS is in overwhelm and is trying to fall back on his default mode of his parents taking this on for him.  He will realize there comes a time when that is no longer an option now that he is deep into adulthood.  Hold steady Faith.