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Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
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Author Topic: Trying to escape  (Read 160 times)
Unconditional Lo

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« on: September 07, 2019, 09:48:48 PM »

My daughter with BPD blames me for everything wrong in her life, her upbringing. I feel abused and honestly don't want to deal with the drama anymore. She's 25. I feel beaten down and want to leave the country and get away as far as I can.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Swimmy55
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« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2019, 10:50:34 PM »

We are glad you found us, Unconditional.  Dealing with a child’sBPD is profoundly overwhelming.  Is she accepting of her diagnosis? Just as important it seems you are at wits end.  Are you doing anything for self care? You are among kindred spirits here.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2019, 12:08:50 AM »

Hello UnconditionalI join Swimmy in welcoming you. I know that feeling of being beaten down by the false accusations that people with BPD often make. Learning to not take these accusations personally is a process. I am still working on it myself. Therapy helps. So does posting here and reading the articles and recommended books on this website. The more you know about this condition the better able you will be to protect yourself from feeling beaten down. What do you do when your daughter makes accusations? How do you respond to her?
Hugs
Faith
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Hugs,
Faith
Unconditional Lo

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« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2019, 06:44:31 AM »

The last time she was brutal. I was crying for 2 days. I tried to defend myself. No one is perfect but we brought her up with love, b'day parties, girl scouts, art classes, vacations, swimming lessons, etc. She turned defiant and rebellious. Even though she says we're the source of all her troubles she keeps coming back. She hasn't lived with us for years, has lived with boyfriends, can't hold down a job, I'm constantly giving her money, have her under my insurance at work because she's seeing doctors, ER visits & inpatient stays and just this week she's telling she might be pregnant. She is full of scars all over her body from self harm and most recently it looked like she was burning herself with cigarettes. We are dealing with someone who is insane. We have urged her to stay in therapy and stay in IOP. As far as self-care, I exercise, throw myself at my job and my husband and I seeking some crisis counseling with this latest blowout. We are also going on  vacation on the 19th. I'm  probably rambling but there is so much that I want to get off my chest and it is complicated.
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nonbordermom11

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« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2019, 09:05:33 AM »

I feel for you, this is so consuming. I am new,  this forum is very helpful. The number 1 take away is to first and foremost, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. When things spun out of control with my DD, I started slacking off at work, eating too much and even had that drink at night...every night...just to calm my nerves. Now, when I read and believed I had the greenlight to take care of myself (initially I felt this was selfish and appeared uncaring on my part) I feel like I'm getting a little control back, I started exercising and paying more attention to my other kids. It doesn't mean I don't think about it 24/7, but have to take mental breaks, this time in a healthier way. It also helps me think clearer. Enjoy your trip with your husband. Read the books PEACEMOM suggests. Keep reading and venting, its comforting to have support.
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Unconditional Lo

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« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2019, 12:04:30 PM »

Thank you for the encouragement.
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2019, 02:36:08 PM »

Tough stuff here and I’m so very sorry. Let me chime in on the self care thing- I’ve got 4 kids all 2 yrs apart 19-26. At first when I read about all this “self care” advice, I though “oh, what a sweet idea. Gosh I bet that’s nice for some folks.”

Now, I see how critical it is to my  pwBPD’s recovery. We, their primary supporters/caregivers/closest relative, can’t do anything to change their reactions to their high emotions, but we can absolutely ADD TO their dysregulation by being depleted. If I’m taking care of myself first (in an almost narcissistic way!!) I’m not depleted and I can sit amidst her dysregulation without freaking out myself.  I’ve read that they are acutely Attuned to our level of calm (almost laser focused)
which is odd be they struggle with empathy.

The other critical piece is that most of us did not model good self care for these kids. We all overfunctioned for them for many years and our own self care suffered. We must model that now. We still influence these teenagers and young adults especially if they live at home. Self care is step 1! What are your plans for self care? I’d love some examples.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2019, 12:20:39 PM »

What happened this last time?

How often do you communicate with her?
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