Hi
zed,
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all of this. I can relate to running yourself into the ground. Don't want idle time because that's when the rumination just takes off...the bad feelings, the revisiting old conflicts, everything.
I haven't read up on your story yet, so forgive me if I ask you something that you have already addressed elsewhere. You said you're in therapy...how long have you been in it, and how often are you able to go? In very difficult times like this, there is absolutely nothing wrong with increasing that frequency if you are able to do so.
In the last couple weeks I havent been able to slow down at all. I dont sleep more than a couple hours most nights, some not at all. Im not eating like I should either. Ive lost almost 40 pounds since she left. I had that heart attack two weeks ago (or was it three?) my memory is terrible these days.
You have been through a lot of trauma (physical as well as emotional). What you are describing sounds very much like a trauma response. What does your T say about this? What are some of the tools and strategies he/she is working with you on?
I will second
once removed on this space being a life line. Regardless of (and in addition to) you work with your T, please post here. I had
so much inside my head before and after my separation from my uBPDxw that it was constantly driving me crazy. It still does sometimes, and I'm still working through it. Getting it out somewhere really does help to process it. Sometimes just relieving the pressure in your mind, and sometimes to help organize thoughts in a way that makes the next session in therapy even more effective.
You have already shown that you can power through some very tough things. That tells me you really are a fighter. The irony is that sometimes "fighting" means resting and taking care of yourself. Hard to do, I know, when the anxiety wakes you up and makes it impossible to go back to sleep. But keep reminding yourself that you deserve to rest, you deserve to feel better, and you deserve to be happy.
All of us here are on this journey together...some farther along than others, but that's the beauty of this community. We all have something to offer each other.
mw