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Author Topic: I'm at my wit's end with cycling from emotion to emotion.- Part 3  (Read 426 times)
Plucky1980
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« on: September 09, 2019, 08:03:07 AM »

Mod Note:  this is a continuation of part 2 located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338801.0

So she would send out little “feelers” if you will and you would respond and come back?

What was the very first indication of abnormal behavior in the relationship that you recall and how did you angle it?

No she'd say nothing until I was foolish enough to reach out to her. Then she'd say those things.

In hindsight, she may not have meant them.

I first noticed something wasn't right after her telling me how much she adored me, and how I was the best sex she'd ever had, a few months into the relationship. She stopped during sex one night and said she couldn't do this any more, that the spark had gone.

I was naturally upset but eventually I relented and said I'd respect her decision and we'd go our separate ways.

She said she didn't want to. I was confused at the time but of course happy she wanted to continue.

In hindsight, this was a red flag and the start of me feeling progressively insecure and anxious. I should've ended the relationship there and then.
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« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2019, 02:04:03 PM »

I understand. I saw several red flags both large and small. I knew something wasn’t right and I should have listened to my instinct and ended it but I continued just like you.

What gave you the resolve not to go back to her after the last break up?
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2019, 02:30:31 PM »

I understand. I saw several red flags both large and small. I knew something wasn’t right and I should have listened to my instinct and ended it but I continued just like you.

What gave you the resolve not to go back to her after the last break up?

Despite loving her and wanting her (for some inexplicable reason) I knew in my heart that even if I'd convinced her to get back together, she'd just hurt me again. I realised that my health had started to suffer and it would only get worse the longer it went on.

It was probably the hardest thing I've had to do, in terms of resolve. I (like most on here, including yourself by the sounds of it) still suffer. I get odd waves of sadness, confusion, anger. Not as bad as in months past.

I genuinely contemplated suicide, briefly, a month or two after I decided not to try and recycle. Thought I wouldn't be able to live without her in my life.

Obviously I realise now that was silly.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2019, 03:13:05 AM »

It’s so hard to let go. You got this though. I know how it is to keep crawling back to them. Every time I did I would lose more respect for myself and I believe she lost respect for me as well.

I had to burn it to the ground so that there would be no way I could ever reach out again. Only way I could do it.

Another day longer, another day stronger.....
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2019, 04:24:51 AM »

It’s so hard to let go. You got this though. I know how it is to keep crawling back to them. Every time I did I would lose more respect for myself and I believe she lost respect for me as well.

I had to burn it to the ground so that there would be no way I could ever reach out again. Only way I could do it.

Another day longer, another day stronger.....

Agreed. I ended up having zero respect for myself. So I'd have gone back repeatedly, regardless of how crappy she treated me. I had to change otherwise I'd never get out.

You're right though, it's bloody hard. Every day I struggle. It is getting easier, just not as quickly as I'd prefer. But I know now that it just wasn't ever going to work, she's just not right for me. In my mind, I deserve better than how she treated me.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2019, 11:41:34 AM »

Agreed, there is only so much you can put into someone when you are getting little to nothing back. At a certain point it just isn’t worth it anymore. The law of diminishing returns. Simple emotional economics.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2019, 07:58:03 PM »

Agreed, there is only so much you can put into someone when you are getting little to nothing back. At a certain point it just isn’t worth it anymore. The law of diminishing returns. Simple emotional economics.

Definitely. All I seemed to get was veiled criticism, little to no affection, words that were never congruent with actions, and a person who's mind would frequently change on a whim.

Someone this untrustworthy is patently unfit for a loving, healthy, trusting relationship.

But I put everything I had into it and perhaps that's why I have had such a hard time detaching. Like there's a person worthy of my love in there. But there isn't. She's broken, and I stupidly thought I could fix her (I know this is arrogant on my part, when of course I'm nowhere near perfect myself) but nothing I did was ever good enough. It's heartbreaking.

I just really want it to end now. To stop having any sort of emotional response if I think about her. Obviously you don't forget about anyone you've had a relationship with, so trying to do that would be futile.

Seems that it is going to take years, maybe. Suppose it's a good job I'm patient. Haha.
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« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2019, 08:38:20 PM »

Yes it will definitely take time. Hopefully not years but time.


Another day longer, another day stronger
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2019, 04:21:43 AM »

Something that is upsetting to me is the fact that she'd criticise me frequently for 'not being myself' even though I was being me. I didn't know how to be anyone else, yet she would say that, and also that she kept hoping I'd 'snap out of it'.

Why would you then tell someone that you loved them and adored them if you didn't love them for who they are? But you thought you would change for them? At least, that how it seems to me.

I found this, and still do find it deeply upsetting.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2019, 04:34:15 AM »

I think the hardest concept to grasp is that we have to stop trying to understand “why” they do what they do. I still find this very hard though I am slowly starting to accept it. The whys don’t matter at all. They don’t even know why so how can we.

Mine was sending me love songs and was snuggling up next to me with her hands in my pockets three days before she broke up with me.

I sometimes still think back on past texts or actions and try to make sense of them.

There is no sense to be made.

I came across an old thread here where members listed things that caused their BPD’s to rage. Unbelievable the trivial things that set them off into rage.

To quote Young Frankenstein “you are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic madman!”...... or woman Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Plucky1980
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« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2019, 08:27:23 AM »

I think the hardest concept to grasp is that we have to stop trying to understand “why” they do what they do. I still find this very hard though I am slowly starting to accept it. The whys don’t matter at all. They don’t even know why so how can we.

Mine was sending me love songs and was snuggling up next to me with her hands in my pockets three days before she broke up with me.

I sometimes still think back on past texts or actions and try to make sense of them.

There is no sense to be made.

I came across an old thread here where members listed things that caused their BPD’s to rage. Unbelievable the trivial things that set them off into rage.

To quote Young Frankenstein “you are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic madman!”...... or woman Smiling (click to insert in post)



Yes I think you're sadly right. Trying to make sense of something that's completely nonsensical is a fool's errand. We'll never get the answers we want.
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pest947

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« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2019, 09:47:34 AM »

""Something that is upsetting to me is the fact that she'd criticise me frequently for 'not being myself' even though I was being me. I didn't know how to be anyone else, yet she would say that, and also that she kept hoping I'd 'snap out of it'.

Why would you then tell someone that you loved them and adored them if you didn't love them for who they are? But you thought you would change for them? At least, that how it seems to me.

I found this, and still do find it deeply upsetting.""

I had the very same issue with my ex pwBPD. She would tell me she couldn't count on which version of "me" she was getting from day to day. That I wasn't myself and hadn't been for months.

While everyone has their days I was very consistent. I only know how to be me as well. I do suppose once I could sense I was getting painted black again(We recycled 3 times)I would "walk on Eggshells" more but by and large was myself. I'd been through it before. Looking back I believe it was her projecting her issues and insecurities on to me. I'n guessing it is something similar in your case.

As with most of you I held on to the person I fell in love with thinking she was in there somewhere. In reality it was not enough of her to sustain. One quote I read that has helped me and may help you is this in regard to BPD partners.

 “What was good in the relationship was simply the BPD/Narc Mirroring you and reflecting your best Qualities”.

I believe I fell in love with myself in the idealization phase where she was mirroring me. This person disappeared, even during recycles while she was overly loving and affectionate, I would see glimmers of that person, she was gone.

Its kind of like missing The Easter Bunny or Santa Clause. It's the idea of a person that just doesn't exist.
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« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2019, 10:55:28 PM »

Excerpt
I think the hardest concept to grasp is that we have to stop trying to understand “why” they do what they do. I still find this very hard though I am slowly starting to accept it. The whys don’t matter at all. They don’t even know why so how can we.

its understandable. people with bpd traits do everything you and i do; just more extreme.

theres not anything i had a question about at the time of my breakup that i didnt ultimately find an answer for.

i just didnt necessarily like the answers. to understand another person means to see it through their eyes. to understand our exes means to see it through the eyes of someone that hurt us. its emotionally challenging. it involves some pain. in my experience, some pain was the way through the stages of detachment. dont get me wrong; i know youre in pain now. but it takes a concerted effort of facing the most emotionally challenging aspects of recovery to actively move through the pain.

Excerpt
“What was good in the relationship was simply the BPD/Narc Mirroring you and reflecting your best Qualities”.

i think if this were true, we wouldnt suffer. 

if it is true, is falling in love with ourselves ideal? what does it say about us?
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« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2019, 02:21:56 AM »

I wonder about the mirroring being the key to our attraction to them as well. I never really felt that was the case, at least in my situation.

The mirroring that mine did, didn’t seem that much out of the ordinary behavior that someone who likes you would do. She asked about my interests but never seemed to change into me.

I started to fall for her within minutes of having a conversation with her. I immediately felt a deep connection with her. She was attractive but not super attractive. I’ve been around women more attractive than her that I felt little or no connection.

I didn’t see myself in her at all. I am very dominant and outgoing and she was very shy and quiet and submissive.

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Plucky1980
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« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2019, 01:36:40 AM »

One thing that also bothers me is when she discarded me in January for the last time, as well as the hurtful and unfathomable stuff about me not being myself, she said things like 'you exhaust me'.

I mean, do they have even a shred of self-awareness? Is this a form of projection? So I'm in a state of perpetual anxiety and stress because of your destructive, unpredictable, reckless tendencies and I'M exhausting YOU?

I should've said that to her, in hindsight. But I often think of appropriate things to say when I'm insulted after the moment has passed.
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« Reply #15 on: September 19, 2019, 03:42:44 AM »

“So I'm in a state of perpetual anxiety and stress because of your destructive, unpredictable, reckless tendencies and I'M exhausting YOU?”

That actually made me laugh out loud. That would have been great if you would have said that. How do you think she would have responded?

I think they are self aware I just don’t think they can or want to control themselves. They are so hyped up on emotion when they do these things. I think it’s like being drunk. You know you shouldn’t be doing the stupid things you are doing but  you do it anyway cause it feels good in the moment....in the moment.........the next day....... how you wished you could take it back but it’s too late.

 I once bought the whole bar (95% of them strangers) a round of drinks and appetizers. It cost me 700.00 bucks. I did it at the time because it made me feel good, like a big shot but deep in the back of my mind I knew I was going to regret it in the morning when I sobered up and man did I ever. What a dumb a$$.........

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Plucky1980
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« Reply #16 on: September 19, 2019, 08:59:48 AM »

“So I'm in a state of perpetual anxiety and stress because of your destructive, unpredictable, reckless tendencies and I'M exhausting YOU?”

That actually made me laugh out loud. That would have been great if you would have said that. How do you think she would have responded?

I think they are self aware I just don’t think they can or want to control themselves. They are so hyped up on emotion when they do these things. I think it’s like being drunk. You know you shouldn’t be doing the stupid things you are doing but  you do it anyway cause it feels good in the moment....in the moment.........the next day....... how you wished you could take it back but it’s too late.

 I once bought the whole bar (95% of them strangers) a round of drinks and appetizers. It cost me 700.00 bucks. I did it at the time because it made me feel good, like a big shot but deep in the back of my mind I knew I was going to regret it in the morning when I sobered up and man did I ever. What a dumb a$$.........



How do I think she'd have responded? Probably the same way she seemed to respond to the majority of things. By attempting to absolve herself of as much responsibility as possible.

There's a lot I wished I'd have said, dude. I had no boundaries, so I let her walk all over me. I believe that was because I was so afraid of losing her, because she was so unpredictable and irrational. Not a good thing on my part. Really, really wished I'd have had the courage to end it after she first messed me around.
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pest947

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« Reply #17 on: September 19, 2019, 03:36:25 PM »

Something that is upsetting to me is the fact that she'd criticise me frequently for 'not being myself' even though I was being me. I didn't know how to be anyone else, yet she would say that, and also that she kept hoping I'd 'snap out of it'.

Why would you then tell someone that you loved them and adored them if you didn't love them for who they are? But you thought you would change for them? At least, that how it seems to me.

I found this, and still do find it deeply upsetting.

I experienced something similar. I'm not perfect by any means but I was always consistently and steadily "me". I have my days like anyone else but I didn't veer far from "me" where she would fundamentally change when the cycle would kick in. Her mind like a pinball machine going back and forth. She said she couldn't count on the "me" she was getting from day to day. Are you effing kidding me? I believe it was BPD projecting and was likely the same in your case. There is really no other logical explanation for that kind of behavior. 
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« Reply #18 on: September 19, 2019, 03:39:41 PM »

One thing that also bothers me is when she discarded me in January for the last time, as well as the hurtful and unfathomable stuff about me not being myself, she said things like 'you exhaust me'.

I mean, do they have even a shred of self-awareness? Is this a form of projection? So I'm in a state of perpetual anxiety and stress because of your destructive, unpredictable, reckless tendencies and I'M exhausting YOU?

I should've said that to her, in hindsight. But I often think of appropriate things to say when I'm insulted after the moment has passed.

Maybe reading and replying out of order but it is healing and refreshing to share and hear stories so eerily similar to what I went through. I couldn't have said the above any better myself in regard to my own experience and accusations I received. 
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #19 on: September 19, 2019, 04:24:40 PM »

Maybe reading and replying out of order but it is healing and refreshing to share and hear stories so eerily similar to what I went through. I couldn't have said the above any better myself in regard to my own experience and accusations I received. 

I agree, when I read that people have had similar experiences to my own it stops me from feeling like I'm losing my mind, and I'm the one with the problem.
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« Reply #20 on: September 20, 2019, 09:16:26 AM »

I agree, when I read that people have had similar experiences to my own it stops me from feeling like I'm losing my mind, and I'm the one with the problem.

Totally, I had the "luxury" of two recycles. The first time it hit me fierce, things were so messed up and I put a lot of the blame on me. I didn't understand the behavior(BPD), but surely there was something wrong with me or something I did to deserve such pain. I learned about BPD and myself as to why I would accept this behavior over the course of the original breakup and throughout the recycles. With the work I did for myself and the ability to look back it was clear as day she had issues and saw many red flags. I just thought that someone so loving and awesome(in Retrospect the mask) that there were logical explanations or someone else's fault.

She burned bridges at several jobs because of "management", she couldn't keep a job long her whole life until divorce forced her too. She burned bridges with her childhood friend while I was with her, her and her Mom (Whom I believe is also BPD) go at it all the time where they wont speak for days. She doesn't have many long term deep friends, more surface work friends. She started getting angry out of nowhere over puzzling things. For example I was playing blocks with her toddler nephew and we built a tower. I playfully knocked the tower over and the kid laughed, no one got hurt. I've played with plenty toddlers before including my own at one point. Later she lays into me about how badly he could have gotten hurt  as if i threw the blocks across the room. Crazy little stuff like that.

Thanks for letting me "vent" and "journal" in this thread and on this site.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2019, 02:00:28 AM »

Totally, I had the "luxury" of two recycles. The first time it hit me fierce, things were so messed up and I put a lot of the blame on me. I didn't understand the behavior(BPD), but surely there was something wrong with me or something I did to deserve such pain. I learned about BPD and myself as to why I would accept this behavior over the course of the original breakup and throughout the recycles. With the work I did for myself and the ability to look back it was clear as day she had issues and saw many red flags. I just thought that someone so loving and awesome(in Retrospect the mask) that there were logical explanations or someone else's fault.

She burned bridges at several jobs because of "management", she couldn't keep a job long her whole life until divorce forced her too. She burned bridges with her childhood friend while I was with her, her and her Mom (Whom I believe is also BPD) go at it all the time where they wont speak for days. She doesn't have many long term deep friends, more surface work friends. She started getting angry out of nowhere over puzzling things. For example I was playing blocks with her toddler nephew and we built a tower. I playfully knocked the tower over and the kid laughed, no one got hurt. I've played with plenty toddlers before including my own at one point. Later she lays into me about how badly he could have gotten hurt  as if i threw the blocks across the room. Crazy little stuff like that.

Thanks for letting me "vent" and "journal" in this thread and on this site.

Same, with the recycling. She made me believe it was all my fault. She said to me the 'only' thing that was wrong was my lack of self confidence. Which she caused. Being stopped in the middle of sex (I was the best she'd ever had, apparently) and being told that the 'spark had gone' will do wonders for your confidence.

Of course, by the third time she dumped me, there was a myriad of reasons for it. That seemed to change each time I asked her to tell me why she was treating me like this.

So in summary, I wasn't myself, had no self confidence, couldn't drive, was happy in my job (that was a bad thing, apparently), wasn't a very good father to my daughter(!?) had no 'get up and go' (you try and work that one out Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) and oh of course she wasn't having fun being out with me any more (body language and things she said were at polar opposite to this). Worst person in the world, me. Clearly.

I expect I'll have been berated and chastised when she's been explaining our 'relationship' to whoever her new boyfriend is (I have no idea if she is with anyone, I'm just assuming here) because she did exactly the same thing with me. She made it seem like she was an angel and her husband and then her boyfriend before me were naturally the worst men on planet Earth and she was a saint for putting up with them.

I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Yes, I'm bitter. And still angry, 9 months on. I'm not trying to hide it, I'm comfortable with it.

I wouldn't want her back now, I'm just still angry and upset at the way I was treated.
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« Reply #22 on: October 08, 2019, 11:49:05 PM »

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This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. The discussion has continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340023.msg13079649#msg13079649
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