I started with a new therapist as the last one sort of enabled the relationship...not that I didn’t play a part in that I really wanted to build a life with her and I did want to spend the rest of my life with her...but my new therapist is trying to focus on the little boy in me that as been broken for so long and been so ashamed of needing connection so deeply...and that I am anxious when that connection is broken...especially with no understanding and I have tried to give up my needs for others but it bleeds through and it can be difficult but...again she didn’t care about my needs...she only loved me when things were perfect otherwise I am a problem..maybe she even sees me as narcissist...but I never just blamed her...she could attack me so completely and in an absolute black and white way...it would hurt so bad and would be so shocking and feel so betraying...I didn’t listen the way I wished I could be it was also in a way that I don’t think I was really a part of it felt like it was an assault...regarding medication I am diagnosed bipolar II and I am on depakote and I don’t really have anxiety any more just shock and torment and confusion and at times incredible sadness and despair...I loved her so much and I would of stuck by her if she could just stick around...now I wonder about if she cheated on me during these little break ups...sometimes weeks long...she broke up with me like 10 times...in a year and treat me like I was nothing or didn’t exist even sometimes would break up if the day before we “were very in love” talking deeply and making love...she told me she could turn her feelings on and off...she told me who she was very early on...I didn’t believe she would do it to me...even though she said she had hurt so many...she always said she couldn’t stay away from me and I was the only one she ever let back in and we were different I was an idiot to believe her...and now I am nothing to her.
Hi SHanel, I'm glad you're trying to see it from another perspective and realizing that you yourself need to do some self-work. GOOD FOR YOU!
I know it hurts. Trust me I've felt this pain too as a codependent before... it's the worst thing ever because it's like "why don't you just let me love you? why don't you appreciate every good thing I've done for you?"
And that's where the problem lies... the inconsistency of the BPD will never fulfill our happiness/role as a codependent. If anything, we are better off dating narc's and usually I DO which is the odd thing in my r/s now. Like I don't know how I ended up with someone with BPD because usually I end up with NARCS because NArcissists ENJOY someone consistently loving them/praising them/giving up their life for them (as us codep.'s do). In a way, I'd rather a BPD than a NARC because at least I know the BPD person DOES actually love me during the moments they paint me white. and they do have empathy. Man oh man, have I dealt with some seriously abusive narc's where I felt lik I was suffocating and the only way to get out of it was by getting a restraining order. I'm still a somewhat weak codep. but I've gained a LOT of strength since those narc relationships.
Which is why I almost see my BPD bf as a GOOD THING. It makes me FOCUS on myself and my own
PLEASE READ. Like why DO I rely on others for my happiness? Why can't I just be happy on my own? Why aren't I proud of who I am?
If you KNEW in your heart you did all the right things for your bpdgf, then you SHOULD know that it's all HER and not YOU.
You should be confident Shanel that everything you've given her is ALL you can give (no less no more) and that it STILL isn't enough for her and it will never be until she heals herself...
I always take the times away from our loved bpd's as a time to focus on ourselves. ALLOW them to ignore you. Like I've stated before, once she realizes you're ignoring her and that you're no longer "lacking confidence" in her eyes because you're doing your own thing, she will come back to you.
And if she doesn't , GOOD RIDDANCE. But I MOST LIKELY guarantee she will come back. Because lots of BPD's and NARC's do... they need their narcissistic supply. and when her new bf is not what he seems or can't match up to how much YOUVE given her (because she will compare him trust me), then she will run back, and this will be the time you make YOUR choice. Either you're strong enough/more self aware to be able to "handle her" through the bad stuff or you decide you're not strong enough yet and cut her off.
I guarantee the more you cut her off, the more she will want you for a bit until she paints you black again and despises you for not giving her the attention she feels she "deserves." I know it's hard for me to say don't be sad, even emotionally healthy people feel SAD when they're used, hurt, and dumped for someone else. It's NORMAL to feel sad. It sucks, it feels like
PLEASE READ, it feels like your heart has been stomped on, it feels like you've been betrayed, etc. Just vent to us but know you're on the right path. I came on here because I just needed to vent when my
PLEASE READ is going south. I just need people to listen, and give their points of views and it helps me a lot. Sometimes it helps me see where I'm going wrong because another set of eyes/ears/thoughts can view your conversation objectively and give you their feedback.
Every time my ubpdbf dumps me or yells and calls me names I decide to tell him to leave if he actually thinks those things of me. I say "if you actually believe the horrible things you say about me then why are you with me? the door is OPEN. go. No one is forcing you to be here." And then he sometimes leaves and sometimes doesn't. They're SO emotionally unstable it's almost like they need an emotionally stable person to be with them ... and being a codepednet you are CONSISTENT for them. but NOT strong enough. that's why she says those comments to you: "you lack confidence" etc.
Although now I realize me saying those words is almost a defense too, I keep those thoughts to myself. Instead I use words like "I FEEL when you yell at me, my thoughts get CONFUSED. and yelling triggers my OWN emotional abuse as a child. I cannot respond to you until we are both feeling calm. I'm not leaving you but I need to step away for a second." Then my bf tends to calm down.
Your gf doesn't want someone weak. She almost wants someone to put her in her place when she's misbehaving. But don't take "put her in her place" as an abusive negative thing. It's more so like showing you have boundaries and morals that you also will stick to, and one of them is not tolerating their abuse.
