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Author Topic: I've really tried to accept that things are over, but I haven't fully  (Read 504 times)
clvrnn
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« on: September 15, 2019, 07:18:33 AM »

I am really trying to accept that things are over between us. I have really contorted my mind into the reality that we won’t speak again, that there’s nothing here for her anymore. I can’t even really articulate what I think or feel anymore. I still feel very strongly drawn to her and often I want to contact her – surely after this amount of time, her anger/overwhelming thoughts and feelings must have died down? – but I don’t know what I’d say, and in reality I am tired of pursuing her.

A friend I got in touch with said she can’t believe that expwBPD still isn’t talking to me, and can’t believe that she ended things over “nothing”. I agree, I feel as if I was cut out of my exes life for no real tangible reason. I get it, I get that she isn’t well and this disorder causes all sorts of problems. I just want to message her and say “come on! This is silly, it’s not as if we weren’t getting on!” but I know that would just fall on deaf ears.

Two of my friends also think there’s a very real possibility that my ex will engage with me at university – which has been her pattern in the past. I also think there’s a slight possibility of it, too. But I also feel, much like another poster in this forum, that this uni thing is my last chance. I don’t even know if I want to be with my ex again, but this cutting-off that has been performed on me feels very unfair and unjust, and just confusing. For all the reading I’ve done about the disorder, it doesn’t make it any easier to FEEL or go through.

If she doesn’t speak to me at uni, then I don’t know. There isn’t anything I can do about that. I have thought about dating other people but I just can’t – it feels very strange to consider that. I suppose I just feel stuck, still. I wonder whether my ex even thinks about me, or regrets any of this, or what. Maybe not.

It feels as if all these emotions go around in circles. Sometimes I don't care, sometimes I feel like I'm deeply in love with her, sometimes I'm angry. It's draining and unlike anything I've experienced before. I had relationships of 2.5 years come to an end and be over them within three months. Thankfully I've got an assessment with a DA counselling service in a couple of weeks. Things have been so difficult and confusing, and my friends mean well but there's a lot of this that they just don't get.

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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2019, 06:23:17 PM »

Not sure how much help this will be and maybe it goes against the grain of this discussion board, but it's not about her - it's about you.

You need to sort yourself out, to work on resolving whatever is keeping you in this loop. Because that's about you, not her. Your emotions are going in circles, not because of her, but because of *you*.

My view is that other people cannot put emotions or feeling into you -- you're the one generating them. If you're generating them, why are you doing that?

Most often I think they originate in the first 3-4 years of childhood -- your environment during the time your brain circuits 'solidified' so to speak.

Now your responses come automatically from that time, that environment. But the environment has changed, you haven't, and that's no blame, it's that your brain acclimated to your childhood environment. You're in a different environment now, as an individual, but sounds like you didn't progress through the individuation process as a child appropriately.

My advice is to seek out a therapist who specializes in attachment disorders or issues. Because a male who grew up in a supportive environment and who individuated appropriately and had a strong self would not tolerate the kind of behavior she exhibits from anyone - they would let it go and get on with their lives.

I speak from experience as I was the way you describe for my entire life, and after one and a half years of attachment-focused therapy, I'm no longer that way.

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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2019, 07:01:21 PM »

ABC123897 thanks for this reply.

I don't disagree with you in terms of the attachment thing. I do believe that my involvement with her was the trigger for all of whatever I'm feeling - I believe that her behaviour wasn't OK, but I also know that my personality structure is particularly susceptible to everything that happened and that whatever I'm feeling is within me/caused by my own issues, at this point.

I think that I often feel frustrated at the way I feel, because as you say, others with stronger senses of self or better self-esteem would move on with their lives. I feel very much stuck. Therapy - I had a few very unsuccessful tries with it. I couldn't afford it in the long run - here in the UK, you have to pay upfront and attachment-focused therapists are very expensive, almost £150 for even an initial assessment. I wasn't able to find any local ones, and I couldn't afford it, anyway.

I tried to access local charities, etc - very long waiting times. It's only now, six months later, that I am finally at the top of the waiting list for an assessment with a counsellor. However, this counsellor is unlikely to be specialised in attachment, and it's very much take-what-you're-given. I don't mind, I'm grateful for the help, I really am. I really do wish I had access to what you've described, I think it would help immensely.

And because of these issues that I'm experiencing, I can't possible date or, I feel, even think about other friendships. So yeah, it's affecting me in a lot of aspects. I can't blame my ex for everything, no. However, I do feel that it was a very large trigger. As the title there states I'm really trying to accept all of this - you know, that she doesn't owe me closure, that it's over, etc. I've just never experienced anything like this before.


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« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2019, 08:23:47 PM »

I have entered an interesting discussion with a person about my ex; this person's view is that my ex never really liked me enough in the first place and only wanted to be friends. I hold a different view; I don't believe I'm remarkable enough for someone to fake intimacy with me just so that they could be around me. But maybe it's true, maybe she just wanted someone to hang around with at the time. I have no idea what to do any more. This seems to be ongoing and I don't have access to sufficient help in the form of therapy, and there are only 2 weeks until I'm back in that environment with this person. Don't even get many replies here, anymore - it feels as if everyone is sick of this subject (as am I!)

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« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2019, 08:49:10 PM »

I’m sorry I’m not totally familiar with you whole story. Do you have a link to your first post where you lay it all out?
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« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2019, 08:54:07 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) ColdKnight.

If you click on clvrnn's name you will go to their profile page. If you look at the bottom, you will be able to click on a page to this members posts.

LT.
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« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2019, 08:58:16 PM »

Hi Longterm,

Yea I know that, I was just trying to fast forward the process without having to sort through all the posts and replies. Thought maybe he could point me the the post that best explains the situation. Some people tell their stories several times each with more detail.

Thank you though!
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« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2019, 09:23:48 PM »

Hi ColdKnight, thanks for reaching out. It's a very long story, I wasn't able to find a link that tells the full story so here it is;

Excerpt
I have known this girl for around two years or so, now. We attend the same university class, and so we would see each other very often. At first, her and I didn't speak, however sometimes I could see that she was looking at me from a distance or laughing at my jokes (that I was making to other people). I suppose I didn't think anything of this, although I did find her attractive.

One day, I asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee. I'd taken her number from the university group chat and messaged her, asking. She said yes, which surprised me. The next day we went for a coffee and we got on very well; there was a lot of chemistry between us and it felt very much like a date.

The next day, I saw her at university and she didn't look at me or talk to me at all. This confused me because we'd just been for that coffee where things had gone well. I think I'd even messaged her and she hadn't responded, which added to the confusion.

A few days later, I managed to catch up with her again and we chatted. I asked her if she wanted to do something again and I remember her saying "as friends, right?" - I found that odd as it was clear this was more than a friendly thing, but I just went along with it.

We then started hanging out for about a week or so. It was literally an every day thing - hanging out at uni, and outside of uni. Suddenly, she became really distant.

I asked her if everything was OK. She then told me that she found the feelings she was having were 'overwhelming' and that she would be taking a step back from hanging out. That same night, I remember that she messaged me constantly until around 1am, which confused me as she'd just told me she'd be taking a step back.

The next day the messaging continued. I then told her that I'd like to carry on hanging out with her and that I understood she was apprehensive about becoming involved with someone, but that there was no pressure, just see how things go (which is what she previously said we could do).

At this point, she instantly became very irritated, and wrote a very long paragraph in which she was saying things like "I've already told you what I want" and "you can't change my mind" etc. Almost angry. She also insulted my personal hygiene as a reason she didn't want to continue - this wasn't true, as there wasn't an issue with my hygiene.

Anyway - so she distanced herself from me. Sometimes she would come into university and completely avoid me, even though we had a very small class, she would always manage to get through the day without even looking at me or talking to me. A couple of times I messaged her and she didn't respond.

I remember that sometimes she would message me asking about uni work after a period of not speaking, or come in and sit with me and act 'flirty' again, and I'd always think that she was 'ready' to be friends/hang out, but she would always distance herself again.

At the end of that first year, I went out with her and another classmate for food. The summer break began, and I remember messaging her a couple of different times, asking if she wanted to hang out. She didn't respond, which of course, was confusing.

Four months after I'd last attempted contact with her, she messaged me, apologising for not being in touch. I was hesitant to reply as it was clear she was doing this hot/cold act. In fact, I remember her clearly stating in that message that we could be friends. The next day I saw her at university, she ignored me. I messaged her telling her that I was slightly confused as to why she'd said that but hadn't spoken to me at uni - she told me that she had tried to (she hadn't) but that OK, we could be friends.

We gradually started spending more time together and eventually became intimate, and started dating. She put a lot of emphasis on the fact that it wasn't to become a 'serious' relationship, and that she didn't want to feel 'trapped'. We spent a lot of time together, both in and out of uni.

In December 2018, I remember that I hadn't been able to respond to a text for a few hours as my battery had died and I'd been stuck in an area where there were no buses. When I got home I contacted her and I'd just said "Sorry, just got in, my battery died" - as not replying to messages hadn't been a thing for either of us before, I didn't expect her to have such an extreme reaction to this.

She became very angry, almost interrogating me over the phone about why it had taken me so long to reply. She told me that I'd been lying, that I wasn't to be trusted, that I made it all up. The more I tried to explain that what had happened was true, the angrier she became. She was then angry for a few days, then broke up with me because of this.

I was quite surprised at this as we seemed to have been getting closer. I'd been invited to her family home for Christmas by her mother, for instance.

We then didn't speak for a few weeks. I had tried to contact her a few times and she didn't respond to anything. She accused me of harassing her, despite the fact that I was very mindful of how often I was contacting her. We didn't have university so I didn't see her at all. When university started up again, she came in and didn't speak to me for a few days.

We then got put into the same group project and ended up talking about work, then gradually hanging out again, then dating again. This continued until one day she had an anger outburst at me in front of her entire family, and broke up with me immediately after.

This anger outburst came after a period in which she appeared to be getting closer to me - she was messaging me, telling me how nice of a time she'd had with me, for example. I'd never really known her to do that in the entire time I'd known her. I'd also been spending time with her family again, and her mother even said "love you!" to me after saying goodbye, one evening.

After all of this, she said we could be friends, but it wasn't really working out for me, and I tried to discuss this with her. She instantly became angry and began swearing, telling me she didn't want to know. We had an argument over the phone which was mostly her ranting, listing things she thought was wrong with me, and towards the end of the call became very angry and hung up, because we'd started talking about the incident at the sister's.

The next day she said we could "start again" and "start fresh", and that we could forget about everything. Since she said that, she has not responded to anything I've sent her, and has avoided me at university completely.

And yes, that was all a few months ago and we are due to go back in two weeks. We haven't spoken this entire time. I'm under no illusion that we will talk or get back together at all, however I do think it is a slight possibility based on her pattern of interacting with me, and my knowledge of BPD in general. I feel really strange about going back in and find that my anxiety is increasing, can't sleep, etc.
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« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2019, 10:17:25 PM »

Thanks for the recap. It help a lot and gives a very detailed picture.


I have read a few things from pwBPD who have said they avoid relationships because they know how they will end up. Many of them have been trough it before time and again. I have read that often they think “this will be the one” and it isn’t. Mine hated feeling jealous. I believe once she started to care about me those jealous feelings came up and she hated it. I believe whenever that happed she hated herself then hated me for making her feel that way. Your’s very well could be in a similar mindset. She likes you but she knows how this book ends. Regardless of how well you treat her she knows how she is going to end up letting her emotions overrule her reason.


Couple questions:

When did you first suspect she had BPD or at least something was off?

What do you expect to happen if you do get back together when you come back. Have you developed a plan?

You have obviously been reading up a lot on BPD so you know if you are in for the long haul you are in for a lot of sweat and tears. You know that you can do everything text book and she may still walk away. Are you prepared for that?

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« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2019, 10:46:06 PM »

Thanks for reading all of that, ColdKnight. I do appreciate it.

It's interesting that you have honed in on pwBPDs who avoid relationships, and your experience with your ex who had a degree of self-awareness in regards to those jealous feelings; it sounds a lot like the experience I had with mine. After the final anger outburst, she told me that she hated being "this angry person", and that this was why she couldn't be with me "or anybody". She was always very concerned about hurting me and not wanting to be hated by me, and just from other comments she'd make, seemed to know that she had issues that would cause me pain/cause the relationship to become sour.

 I got the view that she wanted to be with me, but didn't want to ruin things with her behaviour so, when she started acting angry or whatever, she'd end it. Honestly, she seemed to have a good sense of self-awareness on her behaviour and that it was triggered by intimacy/relationships. So you are spot on with what you're mentioning, here.

In terms of when I suspected the BPD, I think I was just spending a lot of time online, trying to understand her behaviour. From knowing about her and her childhood and a lot of her behaviour/words, one day it all just clicked. She even said to me once that she thinks she has BPD, and I think around that time was when I started to suspect. I can't make a diagnosis of course, but this is the only thing that can explain her behaviour - even down to the constant changing of goals, the dying of her hair, the fear of intimacy, the anger, the childhood trauma, etc.

I don't know. It's possible she'll act as if nothing has happened, which happened before. I think it would unsettle me and be worrying if that happened, because I know what will come after that. Part of me wants her to engage with me just so that I can speak to her about everything, I have convinced myself that she won't talk to me so to  be honest I haven't even thought about what I'd do if she acted normal with me.

I don't think I am equipped for a relationship with someone like this, no. It feels very complex in that I'm still very drawn to her, but I can't deal with all those things and she seemed to imply often that she could get worse with her behaviour - I feel like she cut things off before things got REALLY bad, so that worries me - how bad would it get? She said she used to follow her ex around the house shouting spiteful things at him, smashing things - I don't want to experience that at all. Yet I still feel drawn to her and think about her all the time. It's so strange.
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« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2019, 11:41:37 PM »

Yes, my ex knows very well she has a problem. I don’t know if she knows it is BPD but she has made many references to knowing something is different with her.

I know exactly what you mean by being drawn to her. It is strange that I have never felt this way about a woman before. I have always been able to walk away. Not her.

She asked me several times to tell her that I wouldn’t leave her and I told her I wouldn’t. In the end I wasn’t strong enough to deal with her illness.

Still think about her all the time even though I know she is toxic and it will never work.

What would you do if she contacted you and wanted to get back together?

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« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2019, 08:32:50 PM »

Excerpt
I know exactly what you mean by being drawn to her. It is strange that I have never felt this way about a woman before. I have always been able to walk away. Not her.

I guess that is the magnetism that attracts certain type of people to those with BPD - I have a friend who knows all about my ex and often says that she'd never tolerate anything such as what I've experienced, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
She asked me several times to tell her that I wouldn’t leave her and I told her I wouldn’t. In the end I wasn’t strong enough to deal with her illness.

Still think about her all the time even though I know she is toxic and it will never work.

That's a shame, knowing that no matter what, things just wouldn't work out.

Excerpt
What would you do if she contacted you and wanted to get back together?

I don't know. I have convinced myself that she'll never speak to me again - I haven't even thought about the other side of the coin. I don't know what I'd do or say, really. I think a lot of time I think that's what I want from her, but if it happened I have no idea what I'd do.

I genuinely think too much time has passed/that's not what she wants/doesn't like me anymore, just trying to be realistic, I guess. But when we first hung out ever, she disappeared and reappeared after four months, and we barely knew each other. Here, we've actually been involved with each other, so surely she can't have forgotten about me? At times I wish I didn't know anything about BPD - if this was just a 'standard' break up, there's no WAY I'd be considering the possibility of someone returning or 'recycling' things, but as we all know it's part of the disorder, to keep cycling back.

I can't see her reaching out to me, though. That is my anxiety speaking, because really when I think about it, I think the entire break up/silence was more about her than what she thinks/feels about me.

I wanted to reach out before uni starts but my friend has advised me to hold off and see how she is at uni. Most people are shocked when they find out that expwBPD hasn't spoken to me - I saw my aunt today and even she was surprised that I hadn't heard from her. Most people also believe (two friends and my aunt) that my ex will engage with me in some way at uni, but I have to stay away from hoping that/waiting for it.
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« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2019, 08:38:26 PM »

Bit of a pointless rant, but I really can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well for days, and it's purely the anxiety of seeing my ex again/wondering what's going to happen. This has to be one of the most surreal things I've been through.

Quite possible that she'll ignore me forever. Possible that she'll message me or talk to me in class in some way. Possible that she won't even come back - my friend, who recently completed third year at uni, doesn't believe that my ex could handle the academic demands that third year offers and doesn't think she'll even come back! There seem to be so many variables here, I wish I could just look into the future and see what's going to happen.

I am worried about how I'll cope if she doesn't speak to me. It will be quite sad, to think that my ex is happy leaving things like this. I still don't really understand the break up and I do believe she did it out of... shame? Cut things off because she couldn't handle her symptoms/being the one to mess things up? Always seemed big on not being the one to hurt someone, didn't want to be hated by me.

Anyway, I could sit here and write all night, but there's no other way around it but to wait. I just wish I could sleep!!
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« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2019, 10:25:33 PM »

at the end of the day, shes just a girl (person).

youre giving her a great deal more power than she really has.

visualize yourself being around her with confidence. visualize yourself having some say in whether or not you even want to speak to her.

what does it look like?
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« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2019, 06:39:10 AM »


Excerpt
at the end of the day, shes just a girl (person).

youre giving her a great deal more power than she really has.


I think this is evident even in the way I am hesitant to contact her, or to be truly honest about how I feel with her about the way she has treated me, which is what I would like to do. not in a hostile way, but the last thing I said to her was a message asking to sort things out - I would have preferred to have just said something along the lines of "this isn't OK, really".

I think it's partly my own codependent nature and the way she has, through her behaviour and words, placed herself at the 'top' of this dynamic. she never allowed me to talk about how I felt without some sort of punishment, and the silent treatments effectively made sure I acted how she wanted me to. really, I'd just like to be quite confident in messaging her and saying "hey, don't really get why you've done this, it's not ok, but I wish you well" etc. I am genuinely 'scared' of how she'd react to that (blocking, more ignoring at uni, etc) - then I'd blame myself for it ("I shouldn't have said that" etc). most of the time it isn't even a want to get back with her, but just to get these things off my chest to her and move on. but there is a fear there.

Excerpt
visualize yourself being around her with confidence. visualize yourself having some say in whether or not you even want to speak to her.

what does it look like?

I mean, yeah. I've thought about this a lot and tried to envision it. I guess it just looks like me getting on with stuff at uni, not acknowledging her (which I don't intend to do anyway) - uni for me is quite a lonely place, really. going in, coming home, studying, etc. that's all it will consist of. so me being around her with confidence just looks like yeah, trying to fake it on the outside, not showing how I feel, etc.
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« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2019, 11:14:36 PM »



Only when you get to the point of not concerning yourself of her
response will you ever be free. It doesn’t matter what message you want to send, apology, explanation, wish you well, the big fu$& you (that’s what I did. Lol) as long as you are worried about how they respond you will always live in fear.

Getting to that point is the hard part I know.....I know
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« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2019, 12:12:32 AM »

I wonder if it's unrealistic of me to believe that there is a slight possibility of her interacting with me again at uni, or if that's just me being too hopeful?

based on her history with me, she's distanced herself three times each time worse/more distant than the last. I guess I'm just used to her coming and going, but maybe this is just it.

It's not to say I'd even like to get back with her, but I spoke to someone from a domestic abuse charity today, and she told me that it seems like I just want acknowledgement for the pain caused by that break up/treatment by ex pwBPD, which I think is correct. I also realise that it may never come from her.

I also worry that she'll just never talk to me - which you know, is OK, I'm used to not speaking to her now but I don't know how it's going to feel, being around her and not speaking to one another. I guess I still struggle with the switch from intensity to nothing.

It's probably not true but I feel very disliked by her, too. I know the struggles with intimacy play a part, but I also just feel as if... yeah, she didn't want me in her life at all.

Also difficult because as a musician, her following is increasing on social media and friends of my friends are reposting her videos, etc. I rejoined Instagram, but had to leave it because she just kept popping up and to be honest, I couldn't deal with it. Feels like she is everywhere.

In response to you ColdKnight, I do think I may just send a short email at some point in the future. Don't know what it would say or when I'd do it, but yeah.

I also need some therapy but it's so expensive I just don't know what to do.
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« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2019, 01:31:50 AM »

“In response to you ColdKnight, I do think I may just send a short email at some point in the future. Don't know what it would say or when I'd do it, but yeah“

I totally understand your desire for closure. Some people say it’s not needed. If you need it then it is needed. I needed it. I couldn’t just keep wondering when and if she might reach out. I had to blow that bridge up so neither one of us could cross back over.
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« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2019, 02:08:19 AM »

Excerpt
I totally understand your desire for closure. Some people say it’s not needed. If you need it then it is needed. I needed it. I couldn’t just keep wondering when and if she might reach out. I had to blow that bridge up so neither one of us could cross back over.

You're right, so many people say not to do it, etc. I get that, and the reasoning behind staying silent, and agree with most of it. But really, as someone else said here, an ex is just a person, not some mythical creature who'll kill you if you send a text or email.

Honestly though, I hate this so much. It sucks that I met someone who just couldn't do intimacy and that she broke things off so badly that I'm now in this weird mindset and really dread going back to uni for so many reasons :/
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« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2019, 09:06:20 PM »

Yes it does suck. To quote Chris Isaak “I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you and I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you”

Did you send her an email?
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clvrnn
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« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2019, 05:03:49 AM »

I really want to contact her, but I’m scared. What if there’s someone else? What if she doesn’t respond? What if she’s rude to me? But at the same time I really want to and I think maybe need to do this.
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« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2019, 08:26:36 AM »

I can't believe I've been sitting here for about an hour, going over contacting her or not, what all the outcomes could be, what the hell I should do. I knew that once uni came back around these feelings would start up. I bet she isn't even thinking about me at all, how pathetic am I
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« Reply #22 on: September 28, 2019, 05:11:19 PM »

Excerpt
   I bet she isn't even thinking about me at all, how pathetic am I

Your not pathetic at all. These relationships leave us in a very emotional state and they take a long time to recover from. Try to be a bit easier on yourself, it's a process and there will be many ups and downs.

Excerpt
I really want to contact her, but I’m scared. What if there’s someone else? What if she doesn’t respond? What if she’s rude to me? But at the same time I really want to and I think maybe need to do this. 

If your worst fear is that there is somebody else, could you handle finding that out if you made contact? How would that make you feel, could it possibly set your healing back?
If your wanting to make contact for closure, bare in mind that you will be unlikely to get it, they dont even know why they do the things they do most of the time so are unlikely to give you an honest answer, you could be left with more questions than you currently have.

I would weigh up the pros and cons of making contact.

LT.
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« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2019, 07:28:31 PM »

I have entered an interesting discussion with a person about my ex; this person's view is that my ex never really liked me enough in the first place and only wanted to be friends. I hold a different view; I don't believe I'm remarkable enough for someone to fake intimacy with me just so that they could be around me.



Hey bro, your story resonates with me very very closely.

1) I understand your frustration with replies. I also feel that people are tired of me and my story. Its an ongoing circle.

However, the people here do care. Ive been here since late 2016, and have encountered so many people. Once Removed and Skip have been mentors to me, as well as others that I can't recall at the moment.

 Sadly, people are busy and its hard trying to soothe our anxiety in the moment and you feel like you're talking to yourself at times. I know the feeling. Patience is key but its so difficult.

2) Not sure if you mentioned but does your school have a councelor? Here in the USA is where I see mine. Although they arent very well adapt with BPD they are aware of substance abuse, and other things. Please think about it.

3) BE WARY OF WHO YOU TALK TO. I just learned this recently if you checked my latest thread in the "bettering" section.

My ex's mutual friend would also tell me how she thought my ex didnt love me like that, or how her feelings were probably fake/etc. We reach for anything related to our ex, and these stories are most often fake. I know my ex also loved me and the bond we shared was so euphoric and this person cant tell me it was fake love.

Please trust your gut more.

Lets say your ex smiles at you on campus, what would you do?

or lets say she does come up to you?

I know the pain and wondering that this will be your last chance.

You become hopeful and every day it doesnt happen it kills your confidence each time.

4) One thing with my ex, is she has major pride and would never admit her feelings. She says the opposite of how she feels. Its hard looking at the little things or thinking from their point of view.

Since talking to my ex, she went cold again. I was hurt, but a fried with bpd/ and another with bipolar both told me that most likely shes doing that due to mixed feelings, emotions, being scared.

Sometimes there is a lot of things we dont know or understand.

I also thought how my ex never thought of me, but I believe she did. She would go to places we went with her friends. They are so well at not showing it. But I believe they regret so much.

For instance, my ex is now posting how "shes glad she left her trash relationships"

this is for her to make herself believe she made the right decision because she cant live with the fact that she hurt me or put me through hell. This is all advice I heard from someone with BPD.

It can be true or not, but I hope this helps you man.

5)I went crazy thinking how she didnt think of me, etc etc. But Im sure she did the same when her friends told me about girls I was with. They just dont show it, but internalize it.

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« Reply #24 on: September 29, 2019, 02:47:22 AM »

@clvrnn. I feel for you and i do understand the pain you have because I have experienced it myself and still feel pain. For the way my ex just broke up with me, and the thoughts you still struggle with. And the hope.. The intense hope of that your ex will engage you at university.. The hope... the hope is something we still keeps our minds going and it consumes us. Both you and me . I know , in my heart that it is so wrong to hope for anything. Because that will only make your own life worse. Why would they come back? How long was it since your ex broke up with you @clvrnn? And why do you think she will come back? What they said during your relationship,  its gone.. am sorry to say that. Don't hope for anything. Yes, i have also read that they might come back, when they want something from you, or had a bad relationship that has ended..But how would it be then? The same accusations, blaming, pushpull.. that we both has been through already?.. is that love? NO. Its easy to write this and i am like you, you would just know that i miss my ex soo much every day. All of it. Its an empty space inside me.. and i do wish that i could just see her, talk to her one last time. But at the same time, i know its so wrong think so. Because the person wich we loved so much and still do. - they dont love us back. And that same person destroyed us.. in the most painful evil way.. and they would not hesitate to do it again... they have a disorder that has such hard grip on them that they will never treat you right unless they dont get treatment..and even then, it may end up like a disaster-again.... I really do understand you! And its painful loving memories both you and I go through- and we both hope.. for something that is no use.. How long was it since u broke up @clvrnn? And how are you now? Regards
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« Reply #25 on: September 30, 2019, 11:56:07 AM »

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This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. The discussion continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339839.msg13079189#msg13079189
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