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Author Topic: Trying to reverse end of relationship  (Read 885 times)
Jetstorm51

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« on: September 15, 2019, 03:39:26 PM »

Hello everyone, I’m obviously new here and new to BPD.  A little background on my situation my now ex girlfriend may from BPD which I didn’t know until my sister and my therapist suggested she may due to the similarities in how she acts and what BPD is actually.  My friend and I say that because we were best friends before we started dating and we broke up nearly three weeks ago.  Our relationship was rock solid for the first month no real problems lots of love on both sides.  She has two daughters who are amazing.  I was privy though to her rage although not directed towards me but rather her abusive ex husband or the man she was sleeping with before we started dating.  Sometimes she would lash out at her daughters but not in what I felt was an abusive manner.  She has a history of self harm, suicide attempt, rape, drug addiction and physical abuse.  I mention all this for pure contextual purposes.  About three weeks ago she had a massive meltdown which lasted for three days, she called off from work (we work together as well).  On Sunday she had essentially told me that we were moving way to fast for her liking and that she needed to be able to breathe.  This was on top of her mom and ex husband causing massive problems for her that weekend.  Sunday I felt I overstepped my boundaries by pursuing the topic further she got very angry and lashed out at me.  I left it at that for the night.  The next morning I waited for her to message me and I immediately apologized for my actions earlier and she flipped out again.  I asked her please tell me what you need from me and she replied space.  So I gave her some space.  Later in the evening I received a message from her claiming I abandoned her this kick started a three hour fight of me going back and forth with her pleading with her to please let me help and she refused.  The messages were up and down one minute pleasant the next they were mean and hateful towards me.  I felt I had to continue on fear that she would accuse me of abandoning her.  I eventually stopped for my own sanity.  I was left in pure shambles not knowing what I had done wrong or what I could possibly do differently.  We spoke again on Thursday where I again apologized and said I wanted to give her the space she needed she flipped out again and screamed at me and then went back to speaking normally almost very sweet.  She then said all the things I did wrong.  Only speaking about myself, assuming things, being condescending. Etc.  She then said I can not be in a relationship right now with where my mind is.  I need to be selfish and work on me.  This then led us back to being friends but the flirting continued.  We were doing very well this past week then today came.  We supposed to go to a baseball game.  I picked her up and told her I had mono and that I assumed I got it from her not knowing how mono is transmitted.  She then lashed out at me and said I DONT FEEL GOOD I WANT TO GO HOME!  My reaction which was poor was “what did I do”. I said that only because it came out of nowhere and had no idea she wasn’t feeling good.  She then started yelling at me telling me all the wrong I’ve done or doing.  Saying that when you said you didn’t feel good we left the game no problem when I don’t want to go you think it’s something you did.  Yelling at me for going slow, speaking in I statements. One thing after the other.  I was left crying to myself trying to understand what I did wrong and that I’ve lost her.  I love this girl as a human being and I refuse to give up on her like so many people want me to.  My own parents want me to abandon her and not talk to her because of what she’s done to me.  She is one of the most amazing women I have ever met and can not give up on her.  So that’s why I’m here to hopefully gain knowledge and insight from others on how I can somehow maintain a friendship or even start the relationship up again.  Thank you everyone for allowing me into this community.
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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2019, 04:05:42 PM »

Hi.

Three weeks is not really a breakup. It is often just space or time to re-appreciate.

The most important thing is to not make matters worse and that usually means giving some space (for her) and detaching from the fight and letting it go (you) - especially if it was just isolated angst.

So while you are chilling a bit, tell us more.

How long have you been dating. What has the relationship been like. What is your connection to her family. When you fight, is they're a reoccurring theme.There often is.

Lastly, remember, this is a special needs person. That require two skills - how to understand and help her - how to not compromise your self or your values in doing so...

it's all possible!
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2019, 04:25:34 PM »

To answer your questions.  Our relationship was for only a month.  But it was an incredible month one where we spent a lot of it together.  Lots of laughs and joy.  She told me that I make her and her family better and that she has never felt more sure about someone in her life.  My connection to her family is that I would spend a lot of time with her two daughters (7 and 15) and her mom also lives with her as well so I would see her on occasion as well.  All of which really liked me and the joy I was bringing to the house.  If I had to mention some reoccurring themes in our fights I’d say it’s two themes.  Turning it to myself and not listening to what she is saying.
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« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2019, 04:40:59 PM »

Honestly, I think it's a red flag that someone would introduce you to their children that quickly.  It doesn't sound like she has very good judgment, usually parents will wait 6-12 months before introducing a new partner.  A month is not a very long time to be together and if you were having fights already that's not a good sign.  Usually people are just getting to know eachother a month in.
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« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2019, 07:34:35 PM »

Our relationship was for only a month. 

Dating for 4 weeks. Haven't seen her in 3 weeks? Right?

What was happening in her life before she met you? Is she recently out of another relationship? How long was it?

Where are he children's father? What is that relationship like?
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« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2019, 10:32:27 PM »

Thanks for sharing what is happening. These boards help in acknowledging and learning to accept that the pwbpd’s world is not rational but pure feeling. Thus, I’m not sure there was too much else you could have done except maybe take care of you? Seems like you did that after a bit and disengaged.

My ubpd g/f has 2 daughters whom I love dearly. She introduced me to them after a couple of month or 2 . I cant remember. We’ve been together 3 yrs but took a 6 months break.

A challenge I faced was that my friends think she uses her kids to get to me. And that is hard b/c I am attached to them. My friends were right.  I wonder if you might face this at some point? Maybe not but it helps to be aware early on. I didnt know anything about it so I wasn’t..

Your g/f has experienced significant trauma—it had to be hard to know where the limit is as to what you can and can’t do to help. Whatever you decide, remember you have the right to take care of your needs too.
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2019, 09:13:32 AM »

Excerpt
Dating for 4 weeks. Haven't seen her in 3 weeks? Right?

What was happening in her life before she met you? Is she recently out of another relationship? How long was it?

Where are he children's father? What is that relationship like?

We both work at the same place so we still talk and communicate regularly.  So we met each other at work she has a very rough history lots of physical, emotional, and drug abuse, assault, hospitalizations.  We were very close friends before we started dating and she seemed to be very up and down in her life.  Any of the relationships she has had in the last three years have been very short to my knowledge.  I will mention there is a guy that she was and maybe again is using on the side for sex only.  Which has caused a great deal of anxiety for myself.  While we were dating I had nothing at all in my mind telling me it was still going on but she has known this guy for 20 years.  

As for the father he is a deadbeat and someone that generally wants nothing to do with his kids and the kids don’t really care for him either.  He abused her emotionally and physically.  I’d say the relationship is tolerable at best.  She and the kids are accustomed to being disappointed by him.
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2019, 09:27:26 AM »

Thanks for sharing what is happening. These boards help in acknowledging and learning to accept that the pwbpd’s world is not rational but pure feeling. Thus, I’m not sure there was too much else you could have done except maybe take care of you? Seems like you did that after a bit and disengaged.

My ubpd g/f has 2 daughters whom I love dearly. She introduced me to them after a couple of month or 2 . I cant remember. We’ve been together 3 yrs but took a 6 months break.

A challenge I faced was that my friends think she uses her kids to get to me. And that is hard b/c I am attached to them. My friends were right.  I wonder if you might face this at some point? Maybe not but it helps to be aware early on. I didnt know anything about it so I wasn’t..

Your g/f has experienced significant trauma—it had to be hard to know where the limit is as to what you can and can’t do to help. Whatever you decide, remember you have the right to take care of your needs too.

These are all great points.  The problem that I face is knowing when enough is enough and how to also respond to her.  I don’t understand how we can have nearly 6 months of pure happiness and then at the flip of a switch everything turns to crap.  In the last three weeks she has gotten mad at me at least 5 times and I don’t know how to respond because I feel like anything I say she’ll turn it around on me and use it against me.  Today I walked out of work because I have mono and I saw her and said I’m taking off the next three days so I’ll see you on Sunday.  She took it upon herself to get upset with me and say you couldn’t have told me that yesterday (mind you we had gotten into another fight that I had to accept blame for and I didn’t think saying I’m taking off time next week would have done me any good whatsoever). She told me very curtly this is a lot for me to walk into work with at the beginning of the day.  I looked at her and said “come on”. She then stormed off leaving me upset at myself again.  She told me that “we need some space between each other, since we aren’t communicating well at all.”  I said I agree and left it at that.  I’m really at my wits end right now because I don’t know what to do.  I feel like she is going to say she doesn’t want me as a friend and that’s going to be that.  On the flip side I don’t want to lose her as a friend.  I see such great potential in what she could be but there’s only so much I can do and handle so I’m stuck, angry, frustrated and sad really really sad.
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« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2019, 12:35:17 PM »

Hi Jet, that sounds very difficult to deal with and it seems like she puts you in a lot of no win situations.  Do you want to pursue a relationship with her or just a friendship?  What does she want?  I agree that the best strategy for now may just be to leave things alone.
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2019, 01:00:35 PM »

CT,  it’s a very difficult thing to be in especially when she doesn’t seem to want to get the help she needs.  She makes excuses to why she can’t see her therapist and what not.  At this point I’m just wanting to be her friend.  I know both of us can not handle a relationship right now.  It’s so sad seeing someone you love be so destructive.  I think she wants to just be friends as well but after this latest blow up I’m concerned she’ll just throw everything out the door and blame me for all the problems.  Time will tell I’m not speaking to her until I meet with my therapist on Wednesday.
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« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2019, 02:42:57 PM »

I have been sober for a number of years and was married to another recovering alcoholic.  We split years ago and about 6 months after I left, he returned to drugs and alcohol.  He was call me while driving drunk, show up at my new place drunk on his motorcycle and would stumble up to my door.  I felt so helpless, I reached out to his friends, but he didn't want to get better.  I know what it's like to deeply care for someone and they don't want to help themselves.  My ex eventually got sober after a near death experience, but there was nothing I said or did to make that happen.  I had to distance myself from him for my own sanity and let him come to terms with his illness himself.
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« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2019, 05:08:11 PM »

At this point I’m just wanting to be her friend.  I know both of us can not handle a relationship right now. 

What is the real difference between friends and lovers for you two? Sex, obviously, but what else?

I would think that if you truly want to back into a friendship right now, that should be straight forward. Tell her your friendship is very important, drop 100% of your past grievances and expectations of her to heal the past (forgive her and write it off as friends often do), and take all the pressure and expectations off. You can ask her to lunch (Dutch) and give her a inexpensive fun gift and them just give her space and lightheartedness.

You will have to process your wounds with us and with your T. I do think that just letting go of hope that this will be a romantic relationship will start that process (grief process).

This is what being friends would look like... is that what you want?
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2019, 05:23:53 PM »

To be honest I don’t know what I want.  But what I know for sure is I am freaking out right now I’m very jittery and haven’t eaten at all.  I don’t understand why I’ve given her all the power here.  I’m sitting here freaking out over what she may or may not say to me and how I should respond.  My parents are of no help as at this point they despise her.  (They don’t understand what she’s going through).  I think right now the best thing I can be is a friend and anything else is just extra.  I’m leaving myself open to anything with her but I’ll accept a friendship if that’s it.
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« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2019, 06:57:59 PM »

I’m leaving myself open to anything with her but I’ll accept a friendship if that’s it.

OK, so that's something different. You want to save the relationship.

Let's me start that conversation. I encourage you to share what we say here with your T (a brief version, watch your $$) and to share back with us so that we are working in concert and he is in the lead.

This girl is a special needs person. Think of a family you know that has a special needs child. It takes a great deal of emotional strength and commitment and if you chose this path, chose it with eyes wide open.

Her special needs (related to abuse in her life) are amplified by the fact that there are children, a bio father, and an inmate boyfriend who has been om board for years. Special needs people are at their worst when there is stress and with kids, a flaky dad, and another guy hanging out, there is going to be a lot of stress. That's her.

Then there is you. You're a month in and you are taking her emotional swings like a punching bag. This is not the same as helping someone through a tough time - this is being a receptacle for her emotional pain. Sounds strange, I know, but some people relieve their stress by passing it on to others - and it they absorb it they get cast in that role.  It's like someone who breaks dishes as a way to relieve their stress.

In short, she is a handful, and you can't handle it. She is overloading your emotions to cope with hers and you are going down like a bucket of fish at sea world. You are hoping she will fix this. She won't. Here hurting you is not out of strength and malice, its pain and poor coping skills -weakness.

Right now it is playing right into your weakness. Not a good match.

I think you either have to dig down and find a lot of strength (and surely you have it) or decide that this is too much and retreat to friend zone.

I know that's a lot to  think about and I encourage to work here and sort through all of this. It will take a while to find you game.

In the mean time, and before you are of to your next T appointment, my advice is to let go of the drama and deal with her in small doses. If it gets complicated, back way without making a big deal or explaining yourself. If she is nice to you, spend a little time, if she starts slipping, direct your time elsewhere. At least for the next couple of days.



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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2019, 08:44:31 PM »

Skip, WOW is all I can say!  Thanks so much for the wonderful response and help.  I have my appt with my T on Wednesday morning and I’ve never been more excited.  We are currently giving each other space and I don’t plan on reaching out until I meet with my T.  I have no desire to get into another fight without knowing how to talk to her.  But seriously thanks Skip and everyone who has replied.
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« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2019, 09:07:03 PM »

Keep working.

She overloaded you. Others in the future may too. Learning strong and healthy relationships is importation and it is as much art as science.

Human nature is as it is (complicated), and not always as we think it should be.
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2019, 11:57:45 AM »

I’m really struggling today.  I so badly want to reach out to her to try and solve whatever issues we may have but I just don’t know the type of reaction I’ll get.  And if she goes at me again I’m likely to have a panic attack.  My appt with my T is tomorrow and I can’t wait for that but I really just miss my friend and I keep hoping that she will see the fault in what she did as well.  My anxiety is at a max and I can only meditate and take so many pills. 
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #17 on: September 19, 2019, 08:31:00 AM »

So I had my appt with my T yesterday and I held it together very well.  She thinks that I need to almost detox myself from her because she doesn’t think a relationship is a good move for me especially where I am at mentally currently and I agree with her I was pretty much being emotionally abused by her and I could not handle it.  She told me I should not reach out to her and to let her reach out to me.  She also mentioned that if I want to be friends with her that’s my call.  Yesterday early in the morning I had a near panic attack form thinking about if we have a conversation and what it would look like and I nearly lost it because I imagined her yelling at me again.  I will admit we had some interactions on Facebook yesterday that we’re pleasant but it’s Facebook and I know you can’t judge things from there.  Today I can’t help but not want to reach out to her and just see how she is doing but I’m terrified of the reaction I will receive and the conversation that will occur as well.
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« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2019, 01:29:05 AM »

I’m very jittery and haven’t eaten at all.

this may seem like small potatoes, but eat. everything is worse and less manageable when you dont.

Excerpt
She thinks that I need to almost detox myself from her because she doesn’t think a relationship is a good move for me especially where I am at mentally currently

space can be invaluable. it can buy us the time and opportunity to get centered. above all, thats what you need. if she came back tomorrow, things would likely explode very quickly.

Excerpt
Today I can’t help but not want to reach out to her

anxiety tends to tell us that we must act now, at any cost. often, there is a cost. often, the result increases our anxiety.

its sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy, because it doesnt come from a place of self assuredness and confidence.

Excerpt
She told me I should not reach out to her and to let her reach out to me

the silver lining here is that she told you exactly what she needs and how to play it. to do otherwise would just be self defeating. bring that anxiety here, we can help you get to steady ground.

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« Reply #19 on: September 20, 2019, 07:28:55 AM »

And if she goes at me again I’m likely to have a panic attack. 

I know you know this, but sometimes it helps to state the obvious and talk about it.

The panic attach is coming from within you. What is going on? What are you so susceptible to her everything she says.

Think about it. If a homeless man walked up to on the street and said the same thing, how would you act? You'd get out of the lie of fire, you'd realize he has issues, you would eat you lunch later in the day and not even thing about it. You'd be cool.

You wouldn't have a panic attack.

Take it one step further... imagine that you did try to fix it with the homeless man, that you were visibly upset and trying to solve the problem... Imagine how futile that would be and how each step would take you deeper and deeper into the abyss.

To the homeless man, you would be wearing a sign that says "kick me". Next time he sees you walking down the block he would perk up and head your way.

Now, you know how to handle a homeless man. But dealing with this girl sends you into self destruct mode.

Why? What are you afraid of?

I so badly want to solve whatever issues we may have but I just don’t know the type of reaction I’ll get.  

What are the "whatever issues"? If they were issues a week ago, are they issues now? Are they solvable? Does she want to solve them?

Jetstorm51, maybe you are trying too hard, taking on too much, hoping to rescue her from herself. Maybe she just wants something else.
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #20 on: September 20, 2019, 02:49:01 PM »

Thank you both for the responses.  I have been eating thankfully.  In regards to the space thing I’ve been doing very good with that haven’t fully interacted with her since Monday but I’ll likely see her at work on Sunday.  Skip to answer your questions the issues that I am referring to aren’t necessarily relationship issues but more along the line of human issues such as I will not be treated like this anymore as well our mutual need to communicate better.  The thing that just keeps running through me head is if I’m actually in the fault for any of this or is that she is a special needs person and doesn’t see that her reactions have this effect on people, friends and family.  This goes hand and hand with her recognizing there’s an issue which I don’t think she has.  I love to overthink everything so of course this week has been turbulent.
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« Reply #21 on: September 20, 2019, 03:38:56 PM »

Skip to answer your questions the issues that I am referring to aren’t necessarily relationship issues but more along the line of human issues such as I will not be treated like this anymore as well our mutual need to communicate better.  The thing that just keeps running through me head is if I’m actually in the fault for any of this or is that she is a special needs person and doesn’t see that her reactions have this effect on people, friends and family. 

After a 8 week relationship, with a 4 week breakup (50%), does the source matter? It doesn't sound like this is on very firm ground at all.

Do you think this is just not a good match?

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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #22 on: September 26, 2019, 08:33:05 PM »

Hey everyone been a minute.  I’ve been sick so I’ve been trying to take care of myself.  Skip to answer your question she is not a good match and I’m learning that she’s better off being a friend.  My concern though is that she is still picking these stupid little fights with me I never give in to them and raise my voice or anything I’m always calm about these sill fights but after the fact I’m left thinking is there something I did that triggered her.  I guess I’m struggling to understand how everything can be perfect for 6 months no fights ever and then this last month has just been hell.  I don’t want to leave her like every other person has but I also don’t want a friendship where we aren’t building each other up. It’s frustrating to say the least.
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« Reply #23 on: September 26, 2019, 10:10:31 PM »

Excerpt
I don’t want to leave her like every other person has but I also don’t want a friendship where we aren’t building each other up.

it really depends on the nature of your friendship with her. i once read Skip write that good boundaries are about having a relationship thats safe, and works. and that can mean different things with different people.

i have a friend with BPD traits (an ex from high school). she has a temper, and she can be a serious pill. i talk to her fairly often and see her about once a year, and i never experience any of it. the worst i ever have to deal with is she will send me some link or song i dont care about and get upset and feel rejected when im not interested. shes just trying to share, so ill usually roll my eyes and check it out. she also tries to talk about politics with me and then gets really wound up, so i avoid the subject. if she ever did worse or really blew up at me (its always possible, and im mindful of that, but given the nature of our friendship the chances are low) id let her run out of steam, shed apologize, wed be okay. i enjoy our friendship as it is, desire neither less nor more, but if she disappeared, id be okay.

theres a certain level of dependency in your friendship. for starters, you have feelings for her, and that complicates things. everything, every little fight, is more personal, more urgent, theres more at stake. you mention you want a friendship where youre not building each other up, and this just may not be the kind of friendship that can provide that. there are lots of kinds of friendships that really dont, but are still enjoyable.

determine whether you want this person in your life either romantically or as a friend, and commit to that. if just as a friend, determine what kind of friendship. talk every day kind of friendship? talk once a month? catch up occasionally? see each other around? talk to her in that kind of way, approach it in that kind of way. determine whats good about the friendship (there need not be a ton of it), nurture it but dont expect too much. detach from the bad stuff...let it roll off your back. 
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Jetstorm51

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« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2019, 07:53:52 PM »

You know I really really want to be the friend that she so desperately needs in her life but there are moments when she makes it incredibly difficult for me.  Tonight we were joking around and she called herself a fat ass.  And me purely joking around told her “well let’s get that fat ass in shape.” She then said “that was rude even in jest”. I get upset and anxious when she picks these fights when she knows I don’t have a mean bone in my body and meant nothing by it.  I then have to retreat and apologize and deal with her being passive aggressive. Then tomorrow I’m sure she’ll act like it never happened.  I don’t know how to react sometimes because this stuff piles up and even my T doesn’t think it’s worth bringing up because it will just cause a bigger problem.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #25 on: October 08, 2019, 11:13:57 PM »

Excerpt
She then said “that was rude even in jest”. I get upset and anxious when she picks these fights when she knows I don’t have a mean bone in my body and meant nothing by it.  I then have to retreat and apologize and deal with her being passive aggressive. Then tomorrow I’m sure she’ll act like it never happened.

you are likely putting more thought into this than she is.

we all say the wrong thing with our friends and loved ones, from time to time.

"that was rude, even in jest"

"youre right, it was, i apologize"

the end. let the rest sort itself out.
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