Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
December 07, 2019, 03:28:38 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: FaithHopeLove, Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, Forgiveness, formflier, GaGrl,  khibomsis , Longterm, Ozzie101, pursuingJoy, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
115
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I want to be free  (Read 188 times)
capn zed

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 47


« on: September 08, 2019, 01:37:36 PM »

 Its been a couple weeks since Ive posted. Ive been running non stop trying to beat the insanity in my head. I have been pushing myself way too hard. I can feel myself breaking under the strain, but if I stop or even slow down, thats when it consumes me again.
 Here is a bit of the back story that applies here. 11 years ago I broke my neck and did significant damage to the nerves in my lumbar and thoracic spine. I was disabled completely. I had one functional leg and one arm that barely functioned, the other arm and leg were ok. I stayed paralyzed for almost 6 years. I lived in a chair or my bed that entire time. Back in 2013 I got tired of it and fought back. Between therapy I finally decided to undergo, a ton of pain meds, and a hell of a lot of whiskey and determination I finally taught my leg how to work again. I still have no feeling in it but it works. My arm was a similar story. I worked it until it functioned properly again. I still have a fair bit of pain in both but I can function like a normal human again. Thats the backstory to what Im about to tell you.
In the last couple weeks I havent been able to slow down at all. I dont sleep more than a couple hours most nights, some not at all. Im not eating like I should either. Ive lost almost 40 pounds since she left. I had that heart attack two weeks ago (or was it three?) my memory is terrible these days. And on friday I started a job in construction, going against all medical advice, but i must. I need it for so many reasons. I cant survive on disability, I need the physical exhaustion. I have to occupy as much of my time as possible to stay out of my head. Its dangerous in there.
I am still moving forward in most aspects of my life. My mind is still prone to wandering back to her though. The nights are the hardest. I feel her ghost everywhere. It haunts me every day still. I understand that this will take time and I am being proactive in dealing with it. I am in therapy, I am talking about it. Im doing my best not to isolate and dwell. im trying my best not to beat myself to death. I am an empath, I am an emotionally unlocked man, these things hurt. Ive never experienced anything so traumatic in a relationship as being in love with a borderline. This is going to take time. Im not sure who suffered more damage, me or her?
I figured I should check in, even though things are still a mess.

 
Logged
Vincenta
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 58


« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2019, 08:29:31 PM »

Hi Capn Zed,

So good to ‘ hear’ from you again!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
And at the same time, so sorry to hear about your troubles and low mood.

How was your time at your sister? Did you have any chance to relax a bit?

And am worried also, dear CZ, for not sleeping or eating.
Could you please talk about that with your T?

We are here, please keep posting!

A very big healing virtual hug  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)


Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10032



WWW
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2019, 10:57:34 PM »

And am worried also, dear CZ, for not sleeping or eating.
Could you please talk about that with your T?

I’d like to add to this, can you talk to your GP or MD? Let them know that you’ve lost weight and that you’re struggling to sleep.

I can understand wanting to feel tired so that you fall asleep. Do you lift? Weight lifting can help you mentally and physically, you’ll sleep better but I would talk to a doctor about working out and get the ok from them beforehand.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 10120



« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2019, 11:19:31 PM »

when i was going through it, this place was my life line.

why keep to yourself? you dont have to do this alone.

a support group connects us to something bigger than ourselves. reduces feelings of isolation. there are all sorts of significant health benefits.

this is complicated stuff. you can work it all out here. we are listening.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
mama-wolf
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Separated
Posts: 430



WWW
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2019, 09:47:21 AM »

Hi zed,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all of this.  I can relate to running yourself into the ground.  Don't want idle time because that's when the rumination just takes off...the bad feelings, the revisiting old conflicts, everything.

I haven't read up on your story yet, so forgive me if I ask you something that you have already addressed elsewhere.  You said you're in therapy...how long have you been in it, and how often are you able to go?  In very difficult times like this, there is absolutely nothing wrong with increasing that frequency if you are able to do so.

In the last couple weeks I havent been able to slow down at all. I dont sleep more than a couple hours most nights, some not at all. Im not eating like I should either. Ive lost almost 40 pounds since she left. I had that heart attack two weeks ago (or was it three?) my memory is terrible these days.

You have been through a lot of trauma (physical as well as emotional).  What you are describing sounds very much like a trauma response.  What does your T say about this?  What are some of the tools and strategies he/she is working with you on?

I will second once removed on this space being a life line.  Regardless of (and in addition to) you work with your T, please post here.  I had so much inside my head before and after my separation from my uBPDxw that it was constantly driving me crazy.  It still does sometimes, and I'm still working through it.  Getting it out somewhere really does help to process it.  Sometimes just relieving the pressure in your mind, and sometimes to help organize thoughts in a way that makes the next session in therapy even more effective.

You have already shown that you can power through some very tough things.  That tells me you really are a fighter.  The irony is that sometimes "fighting" means resting and taking care of yourself.  Hard to do, I know, when the anxiety wakes you up and makes it impossible to go back to sleep.  But keep reminding yourself that you deserve to rest, you deserve to feel better, and you deserve to be happy.

All of us here are on this journey together...some farther along than others, but that's the beauty of this community.  We all have something to offer each other.
 
mw
Logged

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!