Spouse of 15y, mother of our 2 kids - lying and cheating and in lots of pain

[brokenandy]

She has been in treatment for a number of years, finished a 57wk DBT course over a year ago and I didn’t even know what BPD was until a week ago.  So not going to win husband of the year!  Last year has been very stressful for me at work - and I work and travel a lot.  Figured out she was lying to me 3mos ago, confirmed she was cheating two months ago - confronted her and we are now in couples therapy and I’ve started therapy solo.  I’ve done tons of soul searching and reading books both on infidelity and BPD - and am committed to changes (which I’ve already made) and want to work this out.  She has incremental family stress from a parent right now which is adding fuel to the fire.  She is still lying and staying in contact with this other guy who she now idealizes and I’m now fully a villain.  Are kids sense the tension and are asking questions.  She feels super guilty but can’t stop lying and seeing this guy as it’s her escape from her day to day guilt and stress.  So rinse and repeat.  How can I break this cycle?  How bad form is it to contact her therapist?  Should I contact the other guy and run him off?  Do I wait for the inevitable devaluing of him and hope that I rebound and then push change and limits then?  Help I’m emotionally barely hanging on.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry to hear of the painful situation you're in, but are glad you've found us.  Here you can learn to better understand BPD and some coping skills that will help you to be more effective in your relationship.  One of the hardest things to accept is that we cannot control the actions of our pwBPD, even if they are harmful to us.  This page on setting boundaries talks about how to protect ourselves even given that reality.

Don't reach out to her therapist directly.  That risks breaking the bond between her and the therapist, and you want her to be seeing a therapist.  Look to couples therapy.  You can sign a release so that your therapist can talk to the couples therapist, and she can do the same with her therapist.  You could suggest this in couples therapy.

I'd advise against contacting the other guy.  He must know she's married, so you can't appeal to his sense of morality.  It also risks conflict between him and you which can lead to all sorts of trouble.  Don't make any ultimatums to her either, unless you're willing to follow through.  Best to work with the therapists and skill build here for a bit.

What are the most common sources of friction between the two of you day-to-day?

RC

[Enabler]

Hey BrokenAndy,

Welcome to  bpdfamily. Sounds like you're catching up fast with the world of BPD, well done you. Just because you're a bit late for the train doesn't mean you're too late.

When I found out about my W's infidelity and constant lying I felt compelled to confront her, to shine a light on it. It didn't go well. It was like throwing fuel onto a fire. I made so many wrong moves and made my situation so so so so much worse... then I stumbled on BPD and it was like an Enigma machine for the last 22 years. I'm not saying you shouldn't confront your W about lies etc, but you'd be wise to learn here first, as well as discuss things with your Therapist. Confrontation doesn't always yield positive results and is often the fuel to the fire that keeps our loved ones running. Educate yourself, knowledge will empower you to make vastly better choices and understand you situation.

Enabler