Lost and sad and afraid of 30 yr old BPD daughter

[Sadmom333]

Hi. I am new to this group. My 30 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD. she has been misdiagnosed for years, but I always knew it was more than adhd, anxiety and depression.
She recently started therapy and has blamed me for her issues. She is very abusive verbally, emotionally and very close to physically. I am reading all I can to learn, but am at a loss as to what to do. She lives with me and my 90 yr old mom (we care for her). My mom and I get very scared when she is blowing a gasket. The other day she threw a full glass of ice water in my face. My mom got very nervous. I've dealt with her her whole life, so I'm used to it. I don't want her living with me anymore, because I'm just so sick of it, but I have to have her evicted, which scares me more, as idk what she will do to retaliate. Please help...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Sadmom333 and welcome!

I remember first coming to this forum and working on trying to come up with a unique nom-de-plume...one that hadn't already been taken.  I tried all variations of "sad"...because that is what I was feeling.  Anyway finally gave up and threw in "Huat"...and here I am.

No matter what, though, sadness will pretty well always be a part of us but what we work on is the degree of the sadness.  It is possible to move on to having more happiness than sadness.

While my daughter never got to the point of being physical with me when she got angry, the warning signs were there because her verbal abuse was escalating.  I knew, for my safety, I had to take a stand.  Sadmom333, your daughter throwing water into your face is totally unacceptable.  With that happening I can well understand how it is a frightening for you to think of proceeding with evicting her. Much thought and preparation has to be done before you follow through with what seems to me to be a wise decision.

I think it is good that your daughter has been diagnosed.  "It" has a name and there is information out there for you (so much here!) to help you towards being better informed on how to deal with her behaviours.  On top of that, the support here is invaluable.  While you have a safe place to vent, you also get feedback from others who are, or have been, in similar circumstances.  You share as much or as little as you want.  There is space available for you 24/7.

For sure your plate is full what with looking after your 90-year old mother.  My heart goes out to you...and to her, too.  She doesn't need this kind of drama in her life at this ripe old age.

So, Sadmom333, we are here and listening.  Why is your daughter still living with you?  Does she work?  Do you have other family members as support?  Those are just some of the questions that come to mind for you to answer.  Share whatever.

Once again, welcome.  This is certainly not a place any of us expected to be but being here can be a step forward to better tomorrows.  It is imperative that you think about your safety...your mother's safety and well-being.   Your daughter is not about to change...unless you do.

Huat 

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Sadmom333
I join Huat in welcoming you here. In am glad you found us. I am very concerned for your safety and for the safety of your mother. Your daughter has already shown a tendency towards violence and that may well escalate once she is asked to leave. What support services do you have?

[Sadmom333]

Hello Sadmom333
I join Huat in welcoming you here. In am glad you found us. I am very concerned for your safety and for the safety of your mother. Your daughter has already shown a tendency towards violence and that may well escalate once she is asked to leave. What support services do you have?

I don't have any support services at this time.
I don't know how to reply, since I'm new. Lol

[Sadmom333]

Huat,
She lives with me because she lost her rental house because she lost her job. She also helps take care of my mom and doesn't work outside my home. She works the night shift. My mom and her have gotten very close since my mom has lived here. When she isn't in that anger mode, she is incredibly loving and giving. But I guess I trigger her a lot. She is an extremely messy person and I'm not, so it tends to cause a problem if I say something about cleaning the wrong way.  Or say anything the wrong way. Lol.

[wendydarling]

Hi Sadmom

Along with Huat and Faith I welcome you   I'm so glad you found us!

I don't know how to reply, since I'm new. Lol

. You just did, we received your response, all is good.  

We (4 siblings) supported my 94 yr old Mum to live at home, with care services, till last July when a place became available at a care home we'd approved. It is a huge job supporting at home and there comes a point we can't provide the best care. My question to you is do you have a forward care plan? Do you have friends, family supporting you?

Welcome again. I'm glad you found us, here with us for support.

WDx

[Sadmom333]

I really don't have support outside of my daughter with BPD. My plan is for my mom to spend the rest of her life with me. I have not really thought about help for later, if things were to get worse.

[FaithHopeLove]

I have not really thought about help for later, if things were to get worse.

Are you ready to start thinking about it now?

[Huat]

Hello again Sadmom333

Some questions come to mind.  First of all, has your daughter ever targeted your mother, her grandmother with her anger?  Did she ever apologize for throwing the water in your face?

So, Sadmom333, the situation now is not good...you are between a rock and a hard place.  On the one hand you have your daughter as much-need support in relation to your own mother's care.  On the other hand the two of you are not in sync.  You wrote..."But I guess I trigger her a lot."  That is an important self-realization on your part. (Mind you, nothing ever minimizes the severity of physical abuse!  The red flag stays up!)

Further down you will see a post entitled "Pleasant realization"... by StressedOutDaily.   I still smile when I read it.  What it shows is that she and her husband have been doing their homework..."trying hard to practice our skills"...and then, unexpectantly, there comes a glimmer of hope when their son reacts differently.

For sure change is needed in your household but in reality, it won't happen overnight...nor will it start with your daughter.  You have recognized a flaw in yourself so time to start working on how you interact with your daughter.  Maybe, just maybe, the thoughts of having to evict her will diminish.  Make good use of all the information this website has to offer...and there are links to more.  While you have no control over your daughter, you do have control over yourself.  When a situation is getting out of control, there are ways to deescalate...not add fuel to the fire.

I so understand when you wrote that your daughter can be loving and giving.  That is the case with my daughter, too.  Sometimes the words of a poem come to mind..."When she was good she was very good indeed.  But when she was bad she was horrid."

Babysteps, babysteps, Sadmom333!  Let us walk with you as you take them.

Huat

[PeaceMom]

Huat gives excellent food for thought. I’ve read here many times that when things are ok, things are ok! But when they aren’t, they are horrendous. I guess that is how our parenting differs the most from parents with emotionally healthy kids.

My DD will and can get triggered by any piece of advice I give. She hears everything as a personal attack. Maybe your DD does too. I always suggest reading “Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder” by Manning as a first step in understanding (along with all the great stuff here).  It really ties up all the loose ends and confusion we see everyday with clear descriptions and even the reasons for the behavior.

When I changed to Way I communicated w/DD19, her verbal abuse lessened. Also, I’ve noticed that she’s not slamming doors or stomping her feet as much.

I also used to slam her door when she’d scream and cuss me out, now I silently close it and walk away from her verbal abuse.

We are still extremely dysfunctional and could be our own reality show, but there a hours of peace almost daily now.

Keep posting here!

[Blueskyday]

Hey Sad,
Similarly my dtr shows all the bpd issues and was told it was mainly bipolar with bpd traits but I knew..Its most probably the other way round.

Its not easy asking her to leave. I know we swap one burden for nother when we go down this road. Ive dealt with this for the last 20ish years.

I m sorry your elderly Mother has to see all of this.

Keep posting and take your time in deciding what to do xx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sadmom333]

 My daughter is meeting with her med Dr today, and came in my room at 2 am to tell me she is going to report our fighting and they in turn will have to remove my mom from the home. I'm so sick of her bullying! Our fighting is more of a one handed clap, with her being the hand. I try my hardest not to say anything, thinking that will help de- escalate the tantrum. Now she is telling me that my ignoring her is abuse! Wth, I'm just done. She needs to leave my house. At this point I don't even care of I maintain a relationship with her.

[Sadmom333]

My daughter is meeting with her med Dr today, and came in my room at 2 am to tell me she is going to report our fighting and they in turn will have to remove my mom from the home. I'm so sick of her bullying! Our fighting is more of a one handed clap, with her being the hand. I try my hardest not to say anything, thinking that will help de- escalate the tantrum. Now she is telling me that my ignoring her is abuse! Wth, I'm just done. She needs to leave my house. At this point I don't even care of I maintain a relationship with her.

. Her therapists tel her the way she is, is all my fault and that I'm a PLEASE READty mom. Even called me a whore one day...

To answer a question,  she does not act mean to my mom, her grandma.

[FaithHopeLove]

Do her therapists know anything about BPD?

[Sadmom333]

Hi again,
I feel like I'm just on here complaining...
I had to do one of the hardest things imaginable tonight. I had my daughter arrested for assaulting me. She shoved me twice real hard (she is extremely strong) and the second time was into the entertainment center and left a welt...she broke several things around the house. I couldn't take it anymore, so I called the police and pressed charges. Please tell me if I was wrong in doing this? I need to hear I did the right thing. Thank you.
Scared of the next few weeks...

[Resiliant]

I believe you did the right thing.   I’m sorry you had to do that, it’s a hard thing to accept.  I know you are worried about how she will react and what she will do next.  Do you have a support system close by?

[Sadmom333]

I do have friends to talk to. Other than that, no support system. Her brother doesn't want to get in the middle.

[FaithHopeLove]

You were not wrong at all. You had to protect your safety. I once had my son arrested too. It was painful but necessary. You have a support group right here
 Lean on us. You will get through this.

[wendydarling]

Hi Sadmom333   as hard as it was to make the call you did the right thing standing up for yourself, protecting yourself.

Have the police provided you any advice, here in the UK they put us in touch with victim support groups.

As Faith says, lean on us  

WDx

[Sadmom333]

 thank you for your support! They don't do that here that I know of. I've been a victim of domestic violence before and they didn't. That was quite a few years ago though.
Im still processing everything that happened tonight and trying to tell myself that everything will be fine, but I cant stop  worrying about her being in jail

[FaithHopeLove]

How long will she be in jail? Do you plan to visit her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sadmom333]

Believe it or not, she'll get out tomorrow. There will be a 10 day restraining order, so I need to get her evicted and extend the restraining order. I'm afraid of her and what she might do. I feel horrible for doing this, but I think the police agreed that it needed to be done.

[PeaceMom]

Sad mom,
Thinking of you this morning. I agree that you did the right thing, the hard thing. I was told by a very wise friend that all I need to do is “take the next best step”. I hope you can do that today. We support you here.

Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

It did need to be done. You do need to evict your daughter and extend the restraining order. I know it hurts but safety comes first.

[Sadmom333]

Thank you for your support. I'm very numb and lost this morning

[Resiliant]

Hi again Sadmom,  I agree with Faith.  She is right.  I know this is HARD to do but it is the right thing.  I understand the numb feeling.  Please keep talking to us while you go through this.  We care about you and are here for you...

[wendydarling]

Many of us recognise what you are feeling right now - the numb feeling you describe, you are in shock.

Breathe slowly in and out. Lying on the floor for 10 mins can help you centre, release your mind, the feeling of gravity supporting you as you sink in and feel some relief. 

Have you reached out to your friends? You can tell them about us if you feel safe, your online friends.

WDx 

[Huat]

Hello again Sadmom333 

I'm joining the others above to offer my support to you.  I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you to make the decisions you are making...but...there is no excuse for physical abuse and absolutely not to be tolerated.  Never, ever feel that you have over-reacted.

So, so glad you are here Sadmom333!  Difficult times now but keep sharing as you work towards getting your footing.

How is your mother handling this?

((HUGS)  from Huat

[twocrazycats]

Hello Sadmom,
I'm joining the others in saying that I believe you did the right thing. You had to for your own safety. I also believe that it was best for your daughter that she not be allowed to commit assault and act as if nothing happened. She has to live in the real world. In the real world, you cannot just hit or shove someone when you get angry at them. I hope the arrest and jail time teach her that she no matter how badly she may be feeling, she absolutely must be able to control her behaviors, at least to the extent of not harming another human being.

I hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing. I will keep you in my thoughts.
2CC

[mggt]

Dear sad mom. You did the right thing.  Please don’t second guess yourself. I had to do this to my d many times. It hurt like hell to do but was nessasary .  You need to protect yourself no matter how ill your d is. Sending hugs and prayers.