I've been reading the forum for months. I greatly appreciate your work here and any comments or guidance on what to do at this time.
I am not sure if it is BPD. You suspect my therapist, whom I started to go in one of his distance / break / abandonment, I don't know what to call them anymore ... My readings also fit in and much of what I read here, it's as if I was reading from him.
I have three years of love, enjoyment and also much suffering. From the beginning, in love, very intense. Withdrawal / abandonment / rupture several times in these years. Very suddenly, a few hours before loving us.
In those periods, contacts with ex, in some even restart relationship. Then come back.
I've always been kind, and accepting.
Since I started reading BPD I try to validate it at that time. And I think much better. Also valid in everyday life. I love him very much, and I suffer a lot when he distances himself. I think that these periods of distancing coincide with anecdotal episodes where he feels hurt by something, even insignificant, a tone of mine, a word. That is accumulating day by day.
If I am firm, sometimes it works, what happens is that I am afraid to set limits, and if I tell you that I don't like something, I usually feel hurt and a conflict begins. So I try to keep myself calm and kind, although I don't always always get it 100% like today.
In this month he has felt the need to move away twice, and accepted and respected. I receive it with open arms when he returns. What happens is that I am suffering and I want to take care of myself, I don't know what is better.
Upon returning this week very loving and small anger or quarrel with me for a word, a face, twisting what I say, I try to accept that it is so.
Yesterday, he caught me vulnerable and when he hinted to me that he was leaving a few days again, I told him that well, that he really went away and did not come back, that I suffer, that we be friends. At that moment he approached me. I realized that I can not be without him, that I do not want to hurt him, I expressed that what happens to me is that when he goes away I am suffering and I do not want to suffer or for him to suffer. I want us to be fine. He told me he didn't know. I told him that he not only leaves, but that there is hardly any communication, that I need to have some news, that if one morning I wake up sick or he needs me or is sick I want there to be a way to communicate. He admits that it is so, and that he will. So I tell him that I respect his need to get away whenever he wants. That everything is fine. After that, we approached and wonderful night.
And this morning, affectionate, all good, I say that when I need a few days ahead, that everything is fine. And in a moment talking later he corrects me by my way of expressing myself to something he tells me, nonsense, he tells me that I turn around - I didn't even know what he was talking about, seriously, totally lost - he tells me that we We communicate well, maybe it goes away. I feel bad, I know that I have to stand there, but I am human and I have failed ... I tell him to do what he does, I fail him, let him go, let him go. He tells me that he does not wait a few hours, that he is leaving, that I hurt him, that I am aggressive. I tell him that I understand, I try to validate him.
Pick up your stuff and leave. My phone has been locked. I know that I have failed, that I have been vulnerable, and I have not remained super quiet and firm. I would like to write you an email. I feel that it is not like other times, since I never told him to leave, and I feel he feels that I am leaving him, or feeling unsafe. I am suffering and I love him. I don't want him to suffer. I want to validate it. I would also like to set limits. The only thing I asked for is to be able to communicate if we need it and what you have done is block me when you leave.
- This time he was angry and it was the first time I had said annoying before, go away, go away, go away
- Then I changed my mind, but he already collected his things
- I fear he is more angry than ever, which shows that he has blocked me, he only did it once before
- I would like to apologize, or not to feel abandoned, even if the one who leaves is him!
- Although he has always come back, he always scares me when he goes that he really is the definitive and finds another person
- I want to be happy and take care of him, although I fear that I cannot always live that way, I am sad and angry with me, I cannot be angry with him in the background since I sense what is happening to him
- Maybe a brief, friendly and firm email?
I feel the extension of the message. I await any feedback. I know I was wrong and I would like to reverse it. I don't want him to feel hurt or unprotected. What I do.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any comments.
