Weve all shared out stories and reading about what we've all gone though has helped me greatly. With this I wanted to share the letter I wrote to myexBPD before the last recycle started. I never sent it but shared it with her when we were getting back together and took it quite well and agreed with much of what I wrote. She told me how she loved that I loved all of her, the good, the bad, the child...yet after my last discard via email she had the nerve to say that she shouldnt have to change for anyone...
Anyway its a long read but thought some of you would appreciate it.
I suppose a reply has been long coming. I haven’t reached out because I wanted to reply in a million different ways to not at all while trying to process everything that has occurred. It’s something I need for my own healing. I was hurt and felt like I was “crumpled up into a ball and thrown into the trash.” It’s not the ending of a relationship per say, that happens all the time. It was the way its handled leading up to it and how it was ended. You should know that I have thought about you despite this, more than you might think. I don’t believe anyone would have a connection like we did and just forget about it.
Where do I start? I guess with the house and everything involved with the move to it. Once we made the decision to buy that house there was nothing I wanted more in the world then to be under one roof with you. After we picked it out I drove everything to get us there. I know there was stress with the dogs, my kids and I didn’t always handle it the best. All those things needed time to play out. I was adjusting to a new home and further distance from my job/kids/friends at the time, my kids had just recently bombed me with hate I never felt from them before. That’s bound to have an effect on anybody. I’m not making excuses. I’m being more forgiving, understanding and loving of myself for the mindset I was in given all of that. I have many fond memories living there and it was nice for the most part despite some of the stress. When we first moved in June you pulled back for the first time, it made me feel alone, out on a limb and began to make me feel unappreciated and uneasy sitting there on the house after all I did to get us there. It got in my head for sure, how could it not? I know the situation with the girls caused stress. It wasn’t my fault any more than yours with the situation with Shawn and the inconsistent schedule for him with Elli and later the OWI and the further load it placed on your shoulders. Outside of my girls you were my number one priority in all of this and I don’t believe that I ever did anything to cause you to question that.
As we start to live in our new home several seemingly minor annoyances turn into arguments, over and over with no resolution. We should have openly shared feelings and needs and not have been so critical and defensive (I’m looking at me too). I wanted to come to a happy middle, but it seemed everything I did irritated you. I never maintained a pool before, I always used a wood pellet grill and there are things I need to learn. We didn’t even give it any time to get fully moved in and into a routine. Driving, money, time, schedules, were issues for us both. It’s not like that house is “around the corner for me either” I am reminded daily of this
We both knew that going in and that it was a temporary compromise to be together until we got our new life sorted.
After that day you left the home in August it launched me into a deep depression. I was at a loss for what my future would hold and where to go from there. My home gone, our new home now a dead end, a very uncertain future and a whole lot of money down the drain. I wondered how someone that loved me so much could leave me in a situation like that. When I said I’d be willing to move more towards you or even in with you and remodel, I meant it. However, some trust had to be built back up after all of this. How could I put myself in that position much less my kids after what had just occurred? It was inevitable to me that I would need to be in an apartment for at least a year. That’s why I bought the bed and some furniture. As you know, I got rid of most of mine when we were going to combine our stuff in our new home and I had very little left. It wasn’t because I didn’t see a future.
I worked through the depression the best I could with everything going on and not fully understanding the things (anxiety, etc.) that had also been pulling me down. I was not giving myself the love and forgiveness that I deserve in all these situations that I had always given to everyone BUT MYSELF. I continued to love you through all of this. I needed time to process what happened, it was a big deal and so badly was looking for a little love and support going through it. God knows I wanted to be there for you when your aunt fell ill (God bless her), but you wouldn’t let me. You were pushing me away all the while moving closer to Shawn at the same time as I would later learn. When we first broke up, it hurt me so deeply and brought out some deeply buried feelings in me that I did not like at all nor fully realized existed within me. I felt very alone and left to shoulder everything. It was my “dark night of the soul” for sure. However, that helped wake up another part of me that had been missing a long, long time and I am so happy for that.
When we got back together in January, those feelings of love and wholeness were so wonderful and felt real to me. It was a pleasant reminder of exactly the reasons I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I was so happy when you mentioned you were thinking about going to my class (and suggesting the dressing room thing
