Borderline ex has me confused

[Anakin]

My borderline untreated ex has me at a loss with her last text to me.  This was what she said “ You want to hurt me because I'm not being what you want... whatever. I deal with that when it happens! I am done being worried about you“. I never hurt her ever unless it’s loving her that hurts?  I don’t expect her to be anything but herself never asked her to be anything other than that.  Don’t understand why she’s worried about me since I haven’t done anything but what I said I’d do throughout the relationship.  She also said she was scared of me which again clueless since I’ve never threatened or hurt her.  At the beginning she did say she was already scared of me meaning of being successful in getting her to fall for me.  So I’m kinda lost.  I know it’s not much of a background and I’ll prolly have to sadly just let her go, but this wording has me so confused.  I’ve been no contact for about a month and nothing.  I don’t know if I’ve been discarded or what.  Just hoping someone can have or give me some clarity with all this but mostly her strange to me perhaps final texts.  Any help is very much appreciated

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[ColdKnight]

Hi and welcome,

How long were you together? How exactly did you leave it. Did she text that last and you haven’t responded or is she ignoring your attempts to contact her?

Just so you know mine said something similar early on. “I’m scared of the way you make me feel”

[secretgirl]

Hi and welcome,

How long were you together? How exactly did you leave it. Did she text that last and you haven’t responded or is she ignoring your attempts to contact her?

Just so you know mine said something similar early on. “I’m scared of the way you make me feel”

Yes. I agree with Ck. My ubpdexbf said similar things of him being scared of trusting me etc... or me hurting him. I think your exubpdgf is just in an emotional state due to her own insecurities... how did the conversation go before she said that to you?

[Anakin]

We were together 7 months she was distant so I was just telling her that I am here and I love her.  She got angry that I put love in the message she said that was in there.  I mentioned how I felt and that’s wrong to say she said yes.  So that was confusing she. Would always say she has issues which everyone does and she was scared I’d leave.  So I always reassured her I wasn’t going anywhere and I loved her.  One time she even said that “it’s breaking my heart it really is you caring so much is hurting me it really is I am backwards like that”. Didn’t think anything of it at the time but now.  Oh she left off by calling me crazy and leave her alone immaturely I responded with you got it and no you’re the one with the issues.  Wrong to say I know but I was completely caught off guard still no excuse.  Should have said I love you and I’m here if you need me.  Can’t change it.  So it’s been a month I’ve left her alone and nothing.  Like I said if I have to move on I can except that but I’m not myself this past month no desire to do anything and the classic weight loss.  Where in the hell did the amazing girl go that loved me?  Any insight is appreciated just don’t get the odd wording in the texts. 

[secretgirl]

We were together 7 months she was distant so I was just telling her that I am here and I love her.  She got angry that I put love in the message she said that was in there.  I mentioned how I felt and that’s wrong to say she said yes.  So that was confusing she. Would always say she has issues which everyone does and she was scared I’d leave.  So I always reassured her I wasn’t going anywhere and I loved her.  One time she even said that “it’s breaking my heart it really is you caring so much is hurting me it really is I am backwards like that”. Didn’t think anything of it at the time but now.  Oh she left off by calling me crazy and leave her alone immaturely I responded with you got it and no you’re the one with the issues.  Wrong to say I know but I was completely caught off guard still no excuse.  Should have said I love you and I’m here if you need me.  Can’t change it.  So it’s been a month I’ve left her alone and nothing.  Like I said if I have to move on I can except that but I’m not myself this past month no desire to do anything and the classic weight loss.  Where in the hell did the amazing girl go that loved me?  Any insight is appreciated just don’t get the odd wording in the texts. 

Yeah this is the struggle I have with my ex too... it's being caught between the wanting to defend yourself stage (where you replied "you got it, you're the one with issues" ) and the feeling guilty stage...
you have a couple options I think from this... do you feel you MEANT what you said when you said "you got it. you're the one with the issues?" From your response I don't think you did... maybe you could clear the air at least apologizing for that bit?
But... it's worth noting that even if she forgives you and you're together again, how will you better approach her engulfment fears?

[Anakin]

I do regret saying that.  Engulfment fears How can I for lack of a better word fight those?  The way I am i feel if you reassure someone you’re not going anywhere and show you love them and tell them that’s a good thing.  Here it seems to work against me.  I know I’m not crazy, I understand her situation isn’t the greatest.  Yes I could have handled that better.  Do you think she even wants to hear from me?  It doesn’t seem that way.   This is pretty confusing to me as I’ve said going  back to the text and how they were worded.  I do miss her and yes love her and will always want her to be ok as she would say “I need to be ok”.

[secretgirl]

I do regret saying that.  Engulfment fears How can I for lack of a better word fight those?  The way I am i feel if you reassure someone you’re not going anywhere and show you love them and tell them that’s a good thing.  Here it seems to work against me.  I know I’m not crazy, I understand her situation isn’t the greatest.  Yes I could have handled that better.  Do you think she even wants to hear from me?  It doesn’t seem that way.   This is pretty confusing to me as I’ve said going  back to the text and how they were worded.  I do miss her and yes love her and will always want her to be ok as she would say “I need to be ok”.

You could possibly send a message to apologize for what you said ... and for the future maybe work on not reacting (believe me it’s hard I do this a lot too and I literally just did it... ) but never apologize for things you didn’t do. That gives them more power . For the fear of engulfment I’d suggest trying to be neutral as a lot of people on this board have suggested before ... like don’t be overly smothering but also show through your actions you’re not leaving or if you’re not actually near her say something like “I’m here for you. “ or “I’m not leaving you.” As part of your response . And give her space if she pushes but make sure you say those phrases . They need reassurance .
And you do say that... so keep saying it and after that don’t take offence to anything she says... (this is where I have problems too cause I want to react).,.. but don’t. Anything she responds is HER choice. If she threatens to leave , HER choice. And say that: “I’m sorry , I don’t want this to end but if you do, I respect YOUR choice.” Always shift the Blame back onto her . And try and stay neutral. It’s the advice I’d give myself if I were to be with my ex again

[Anakin]

So I’ll have to send a message with an apology for what I said which I agree I should.  Also in a way sending a messages that says goodbye in a way.  Cause if she doesn’t want to be with me I can accept that.  I can’t accept is walking away knowing someone I love is in pain.  As a man it doesn’t feel right if that makes sense.  Apparently though the more I reassure her it works against me it seems.  I’ll have to chose my wording carefully on this message I guess.  So is my love for her hurting her is that the meaning behind I’ll say the cryptic texts messages that make no sense? 

[secretgirl]

So I’ll have to send a message with an apology for what I said which I agree I should.  Also in a way sending a messages that says goodbye in a way.  Cause if she doesn’t want to be with me I can accept that.  I can’t accept is walking away knowing someone I love is in pain.  As a man it doesn’t feel right if that makes sense.  Apparently though the more I reassure her it works against me it seems.  I’ll have to chose my wording carefully on this message I guess.  So is my love for her hurting her is that the meaning behind I’ll say the cryptic texts messages that make no sense? 

I think it will make you feel better since you’re still sad about it but remember that you’ll either get met with anger or she will suck you back in. So also decide what it is you want from her ... maybe write your message out here and others on here can help you ?

[Anakin]

I may do that actually.  It’s just mind boggling to go from a girl who was scared of me leaving to pushing me away saying it’s wrong to tell her how I feel and mention hurting her.  Still hoping someone can give me some insight on her wording.  If she gets angry there is nothing I can do.  I’ll just have to walk away it seems it’s what she wants how idk?  I wish she’d had reached out to me perhaps this would be easier again idk.  I’ll definitely write something and get some input hopefully from here. 

[secretgirl]

It’s classic projection ... her wording actually means :
“I want to hurt this relationship because I’m not being what you want ... YOU deal with this. You can be done worrying about ME.”

She sees herself as the burden to you, hence the push away. Generally with pwbpd it’s always projection. Their words never mean to be directed at you. It’s at themselves but they take it out on you. That’s why I said focus on what YoU did... if you genuinely feel you didn’t do anything to deserve that reaction, you probably didn’t.
Only apologize for what YOU did.

When she says “it’s breaking my heart it really is hurting me that you care I am backwards.” I think she means to say that it hurts her how much she cares for you in return and she can’t have that because she fears losing you later due to herself therefore , again, has to push you away before you push her away.

[Anakin]

Yes those answers make sense.  I guess they think those through too to have some meaning in code.  Thank you for your input on that as well as thank you to anyone who has replied and will reply in this thread.  It’s so heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time.  I’m working on that message I’ll post soon. 

[secretgirl]

Yes those answers make sense.  I guess they think those through too to have some meaning in code.  Thank you for your input on that as well as thank you to anyone who has replied and will reply in this thread.  It’s so heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time.  I’m working on that message I’ll post soon.  

Yeah it is hard . I'm still trying to figure it out. It's almost like a puzzle... but the people on here are awesome. Even just to post to see how a non would view it helps... because if a NON takes it the wrong way, you bet your bottom dollar a pwbpd will take it 100 times worse. Feel free to post or message me about anything, anytime. I'll reply as I can from the best of my knowledge I hope others have some good advice for you also.

[Anakin]

My message thoughts- Some time has gone by since we last spoke.  I’m not happy with the last thing I said to you.  I was a caught off guard heat of the moment thing.  I’d like to apologize for that.  I was just trying to understand that’s all.  I’ll take blame and apologize for the last thing I said to you I’m sorry.   I did what I said I’d do with everything.   Remember saying is one thing,  doing is another?  You said that once and that meant something to you once.  If you don’t want to be with me  or want me in your life at all I can accept that I’ll walk away.  It’s not because I want too it’s cause YOU want me too.  I’ve always wanted what was best for you and Wanted you to be happy or as you would say be OK.   If me completely out of your life means you’re happy and OK I’ll do that.  I never wanted to or want to hurt you EVER.  So the fact you’d think that hurt.   I wanted just the opposite more than you know which is why I always tried to reassure you on that and that I wasn’t going anywhere.   I’ve  looked back at things said and came across a time when you said “Jeff you caring so much hurts me I’m backwards like that”.   I believe that’s the answer I was looking for and why things make sense to me now.  I figured reassurance in love and me not going anywhere could negate that hurt.  Sadly I guess I was wrong.  Again this is far from what I’d like, but if me being gone from your life is what you want and makes you happy and OK it’s what I’ll do.  I wish you all the happiness in the world you deserve it you really do.   I’d rather say goodbye like this than how it ended previously.  Take care of yourself and  ALWAYS BE OK. 

[secretgirl]

My message thoughts- Some time has gone by since we last spoke.  I’m not happy with the last thing I said to you.  I was a caught off guard heat of the moment thing.  I’d like to apologize for that.  I was just trying to understand that’s all.  I’ll take blame and apologize for the last thing I said to you I’m sorry.   I did what I said I’d do with everything.   Remember saying is one thing,  doing is another?  You said that once and that meant something to you once.  If you don’t want to be with me  or want me in your life at all I can accept that I’ll walk away.  It’s not because I want too it’s cause YOU want me too.  I’ve always wanted what was best for you and Wanted you to be happy or as you would say be OK.   If me completely out of your life means you’re happy and OK I’ll do that.  I never wanted to or want to hurt you EVER.  So the fact you’d think that hurt.   I wanted just the opposite more than you know which is why I always tried to reassure you on that and that I wasn’t going anywhere.   I’ve  looked back at things said and came across a time when you said “Jeff you caring so much hurts me I’m backwards like that”.   I believe that’s the answer I was looking for and why things make sense to me now.  I figured reassurance in love and me not going anywhere could negate that hurt.  Sadly I guess I was wrong.  Again this is far from what I’d like, but if me being gone from your life is what you want and makes you happy and OK it’s what I’ll do.  I wish you all the happiness in the world you deserve it you really do.   I’d rather say goodbye like this than how it ended previously.  Take care of yourself and  ALWAYS BE OK.  

I would maybe take out the end bits because it’s mostly just you emotionally reacting which is usually where I get in trouble too because they take it the wrong way... they start thinking “oh god they’re making it about them again.”

Ending it maybe at the section of “if you don’t want me in your life anymore then I can accept th at and I’ll walk away”

Except maybe rephrase to something like “then I respect your decision.”

Don’t talk about walking away might trigger her more ... and make it about HER making the choice , not you. Because you want to be with her but make her take responsibility of choosing not to be with you. If that makes sense . Everything you said before that sentence , in my opinion, is validating and clear and concise . I’m starting to realize pwbpd’s strength isn’t listening so keeping it as short and concise as possible is probably better because it’s less for them to misunderstand.

What do you think?

[Anakin]

I think I’ll go back and rewrite it and try again

[ColdKnight]

Hi Anakin,

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it but it is always a good idea to go back over things a few times. Maybe even sit on it a day or two and come back later with a new perspective.

I wished I had done that before I sent out my final blast. Some things in there I really regret saying now.

As Justice Louis Brandeis said “there is no great writing, only great rewriting”

[Anakin]

Hello CK ya it’s not something I’m going to send right away I’ve shortened it a little and changed some wording.  There are some things I’d like to keep in there.  Like her saying me caring so much hurts and how that makes sense now I’d like to keep in there.  I’ve seen things about discarding how would you know or would you know if this was done to you?  I’m hoping against hope yes she’ll come back and it’ll work out.  What’s more important though is that she is ok that’s what really matters too me.  Leaving her seems wrong even if it’s right too.  Not knowing if she’s not always going to be ok will always bother me when I think of her and over the years I will I’m sure.  Here is a short version with word changes I just really feel some things need to be in there and be said maybe that’s wrong idk

[Anakin]

Just a thought as well she hasn’t reached out or nothing in a little over a month isn’t that my answer right there? 

[ColdKnight]

Not necessarily,

When my ex and I broke up the first time in July of 2018 I would have never spoken to her again except that I accidentally sent her a text intended for someone else. She immediately responded and we reconnected but I did not take it slow and I think I scared her off.

As we work in the same large company we continued to run into each other over the next year. Each one would send an occasional text but neither would keep up the conversation for what I believe, at least on my part for sure, was a fear of putting ourselves out there and getting hurt.

In April of this year I asked if we could talk and she agreed. I called her and told her that I wanted to see her again or at least talk to her or somehow have her in my life. She agreed and we started talking again but soon she began to stonewall me and give me the silent treatment. It ended four months later.

Going into this second go around I was pretty sure she had BPD and had readied myself by reading and doing research. Unfortunately I still was unable to hold on to her. Looking back, especially since joining this site there were a lot of things I could have done different but I’m not convinced it would have mattered.

A lot of my mistakes were based on my pride. There is also the fact that we work together and I did NOT want to create a hostile work environment.

She may respond and be receptive or she may not. As it stands now you are not talking anyway so you might as well give it a shot. “The biggest regrets we have in life are the chances we just didn’t take.” You have nothing to lose but your pride but that is small consequence if you truly care about this girl. At least you can walk away knowing you did all you could.

I took a shot, got her back but could not keep her.

[Anakin]

Oh I fully intend to send her a message i can’t have it end like that.  Like you said worst she does is not reply.  I’m still fully like wth happened cause she was always worried I’d leave and she does and like that.  So I’ll either get no reply a nasty reply or something to build on.  Like I said what matters most to me is that she is OK as she would say obviously I’d want her to be more than that. 

[secretgirl]

Oh I fully intend to send her a message i can’t have it end like that.  Like you said worst she does is not reply.  I’m still fully like wth happened cause she was always worried I’d leave and she does and like that.  So I’ll either get no reply a nasty reply or something to build on.  Like I said what matters most to me is that she is OK as she would say obviously I’d want her to be more than that. 

I completely agree with CK.

You do not know until you try but then again don't get your hopes up... sometimes it just isn't meant to be. Sometimes we try super hard or give our all, and end up frustrated because we can't handle it and honestly we shouldn't HAVE to.
It's YOUR choice at the end of the day and unfortunately until they decide to better themselves and realize that they're 50% of the problem here, we will have to take their 50% ON as well... so that's one thing you're going to have to commit to and decide if it's for YOU.
As CK said... he CHOSE not to be with his ex b/c he can't handle it... it's soo hard letting go of the one you love sometimes for your own morals etc.
I could've easily "owned up " to the lies my ex made up of me and accused me of but because I know in my heart that if I do, I'd lose self-respect (which I can't bare), I guess I took the risk of refusing , fully knowing that he could now walk away forever.
He could come back, and he could not.
We can't read their minds. If they do come back, all we can do is put up boundaries and try not to react because they are different than non's and we have to realize their communication skills aren't on the same levels. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm made plenty of mistakes and there are things that I've said that I would take back but at the end of the day, we seek help, we try to better ourselves... are you okay with her NOT trying to better herself?

It's a choice you have to make just like the choice they make when they leave us, give us silent treatment, whatever.
They're the ones making that choice. we didn't MAKE them do it... no matter what you said, or did... no non-bpd would behave the way they do... when my ex yelled at me, said mean things etc, I STILL offered to be there after he took space, I'd still want to make it work... that's what people DO in relationships if they LOVE each other.
They don't have the capacity to do this... so will you be strong enough to pull their weight as well? Because without therapy, your ex sure as hell won't. So it's a risk you'll have to choose and if you do, that's 100% fine, and we are all for helping you ... I'd probably still want my ex too if he contacted me... but we have to know our limits. When is enough enough?

In your case, since you still want your ex gf... like CK suggested, message her... but think real hard first whether you're willing to adjust your entire mindset/behavior etc. because if she says yes, and you want it to last. Everything about YOU will have to change. Some mega changes will have to be made to keep her. (Honestly, they're not bad changes.. being less reactive etc is a good thing). Just you know yourself best. What can and can't you handle. Maybe make some lists right now like I am of pros and cons... and what I'd have to change/how I'd change them. Or what boundaries I'd have to set up and how.

[Anakin]

I know I love her.  I also know or rather believe you shouldn’t run just because it seems everything’s against you or cause the odds seem overwhelming.  If she wants me to go I’ll go if that makes her happy.  Will I be sitting around waiting for her to call no I’ll have to move on.  If she reaches out would I shut her out?  Nope I would not.  Could she very well do this all over again yep.  I guess it some point it comes down to how much you’re will yo put in and also boils down to having some faith.  It only takes one person to change your love for good and yes bad sadly.  Maybe I’m her good, I won’t know unless I not just try but give it my all.  If I’m not it’s not a failure it just wasn’t meant to be. 

[secretgirl]

I know I love her.  I also know or rather believe you shouldn’t run just because it seems everything’s against you or cause the odds seem overwhelming.  If she wants me to go I’ll go if that makes her happy.  Will I be sitting around waiting for her to call no I’ll have to move on.  If she reaches out would I shut her out?  Nope I would not.  Could she very well do this all over again yep.  I guess it some point it comes down to how much you’re will yo put in and also boils down to having some faith.  It only takes one person to change your love for good and yes bad sadly.  Maybe I’m her good, I won’t know unless I not just try but give it my all.  If I’m not it’s not a failure it just wasn’t meant to be. 

Of course you don’t have to justify  why I’m in the same boat . I love my bf but it’s my choice to not message him now. have you tried creating a text yet ?

[Anakin]

I’ve kinda kept some things I felt were important to say I believe I reposted it.  Maybe they’re more important for me what I put in there idk.  Normally I’m good at writing least I thought.  It’s tricky cause i don’t want to set her off which if did my only reply I cause would be just be ok I’m here if you need me.  Which maybe could be a problem knowing I’ll be here maybe that works against me?  I’m hoping she’ll remember the hurting her that I care so much text that she’s backwards.  I the boat we’re in stinks cause we love them so much yet it’s not enough to keep the boat from sinking.  It’ll be hard saying goodbye if in fact it is goodbye.  Weren’t things supposed to get ezr as we got older with this?  I’ll read what I got written prolly a 100 more times b4 I send it and I’ll have to see what happens.  You’re situation doesn’t seem the greatest either my heart goes out to you.  I feel for you on the him accusing you of doing something you didn’t.  It’s like you need a double take on are you really serious?  Mine accused me of being another person on Twitter on freaking twitter.  I remember swearing up and down it wasn’t me and being shocked.  Hang in there xoxo

[secretgirl]

I’ve kinda kept some things I felt were important to say I believe I reposted it.  Maybe they’re more important for me what I put in there idk.  Normally I’m good at writing least I thought.  It’s tricky cause i don’t want to set her off which if did my only reply I cause would be just be ok I’m here if you need me.  Which maybe could be a problem knowing I’ll be here maybe that works against me?  I’m hoping she’ll remember the hurting her that I care so much text that she’s backwards.  I the boat we’re in stinks cause we love them so much yet it’s not enough to keep the boat from sinking.  It’ll be hard saying goodbye if in fact it is goodbye.  Weren’t things supposed to get ezr as we got older with this?  I’ll read what I got written prolly a 100 more times b4 I send it and I’ll have to see what happens.  You’re situation doesn’t seem the greatest either my heart goes out to you.  I feel for you on the him accusing you of doing something you didn’t.  It’s like you need a double take on are you really serious?  Mine accused me of being another person on Twitter on freaking twitter.  I remember swearing up and down it wasn’t me and being shocked.  Hang in there xoxo

Hey Anakin,
awe thank you for the kind words... twitter? oh my. yeah my ex accused me of all sorts of things and I still love him dearly .. I just wish he would stop ... it's like I feel his pain when he projects onto me or has these weird episodes of delusional thinking mixed with paranoia. He's taken events I've told him of before too.. only to have him concoct his own version in his head thinking he's RIGHT and I'm wrong. even though I was the one who was there and experienced it...
I think they just go through these mindsets and they haven't yet learned to control it so they lash out... I'm sure later they feel bad, maybe sometimes they don't. From what I've read, if they've officially painted you black it's almost like they've made up a story in their head that suits them and no matter what you say they won't see any other logic to it. I think once they decide this, it's fully done. SO I guess I'm still waiting to see whether he ends up realizing he's in the wrong or whether he's officially painted me black. It's a waiting game on my end now but in the meantime I'm just working on myself: my confidence, my self-esteem, etc. I'm busy enough as it is in my own life so at least that gets me by. 
It will be hard to say goodbye and sometimes because of the so much back and forth , and no closure, I almost feel like each time you argue and they stonewall or whatever, it's almost as if you should be prepared for that to be the goodbye? it sucks I know, it sucks not having the respect a non would have to give you that mature last conversation.
I'm not proud of things I've said either but honestly... I don't think I'm good for him sometimes because the first few months I had so much patience. I was so kind. He's changed me into this nasty person sometimes I hate because it's like he knows all my buttons, and he's pushed me into these corners of constantly having to feel like I have to defend myself. So it's still a decision I have to make for myself. This time for me is to self-reflect. If I Can learn not to take his stuff personally. I've mostly been in relationships with men who are more sensitive to my feelings along with their own.
In terms of your girl, it WILL be hard because most likely anything could cause her to get triggered... even just you texting while she's in a bad mood could trigger her and be like "what do you want" or she could respond with something snarky. That's why it's good to try and keep the energy I think neutral. Find something short and concise to write that explains your feelings without being redundant. I find I try to write a lot to my ex when I'm in defensive mode and I go into the "defend and explain" portion of JADE. Which isn't good... maybe try and write something genuine and sincere so she can feel your love but also not being cut off. Like I wouldn't say something like "if you don't want me... etc etc" Just write something you'll feel good about while still maintaining a high level of self-respect if she reacts poorly to it. If you make yourself sound too vulnerable (pouring too much emotion in), and she responds poorly, it'll affect you way worse.   

[Anakin]

Ya it’s weird and odd how they can flip on a dime my ex’s confidence was awful too she would always say she sucks.  Which never made sense to me.  I can’t imagine what they go through I mean think of how hard it is for us.  Now imagine what it’s like for them.  What kills us is we want to be there for them and love them yet they push us away.  I have no idea if I’ve been painted black or discarded how would you even know to be honest.  If I get a nasty response I’ll just reply with again I respect your decision and be ok.  If nothing I guess what’s done is done and I’ll pray she’s ok.  If goes well clearly one big talk will be needed at some point.  I believe I’ll have to walk away without  wanting too.  Life has to go on though. 

[secretgirl]

Ya it’s weird and odd how they can flip on a dime my ex’s confidence was awful too she would always say she sucks.  Which never made sense to me.  I can’t imagine what they go through I mean think of how hard it is for us.  Now imagine what it’s like for them.  What kills us is we want to be there for them and love them yet they push us away.  I have no idea if I’ve been painted black or discarded how would you even know to be honest.  If I get a nasty response I’ll just reply with again I respect your decision and be ok.  If nothing I guess what’s done is done and I’ll pray she’s ok.  If goes well clearly one big talk will be needed at some point.  I believe I’ll have to walk away without  wanting too.  Life has to go on though. 

Totally... I think we wouldn't know if we were discarded just that it would be silent for a while? They have to paint some story totally making you the bad guy before they discard I think... which she didn't do of you right?
Yeah... what would you say in your big talk?
Life does go on... there are lots of people in this world... and I know for both of us right now we don't want anyone else. But it's still a comfort knowing this.

[Anakin]

Did she paint me black and discard idk I was called crazy then I said what I said that was it prior to crazy it was leave me alone which she’s said before.  In the past normally I’d text everyday telling her I’m here I love her and she said she’d never shut me out or block me.  This time felt different when she went to the “YOURE crazy” line.  As well as the hurting her and being scared of me stuff.  I’d assume which I know you never should is if she doesn’t reply all is lost.  But she did get a nice necklace out of it and a few others things I didn’t get back.  Also don’t want them back but it’s a reminder I was once in her life.  Unless she throws them away.  The talk I don’t even know?  That scares me cause it what have to be done delicately.  I’d prolly somehow ask her is it ok to talk about her issues if it’s a no it’s ok but at some point I feel it’s important we do. 

[secretgirl]

Did she paint me black and discard idk I was called crazy then I said what I said that was it prior to crazy it was leave me alone which she’s said before.  In the past normally I’d text everyday telling her I’m here I love her and she said she’d never shut me out or block me.  This time felt different when she went to the “YOURE crazy” line.  As well as the hurting her and being scared of me stuff.  I’d assume which I know you never should is if she doesn’t reply all is lost.  But she did get a nice necklace out of it and a few others things I didn’t get back.  Also don’t want them back but it’s a reminder I was once in her life.  Unless she throws them away.  The talk I don’t even know?  That scares me cause it what have to be done delicately.  I’d prolly somehow ask her is it ok to talk about her issues if it’s a no it’s ok but at some point I feel it’s important we do. 

Hmmmm the “you’re crazy” thing could’ve been said just because she was mad I wouldn’t consider that a total discard... but then again we won’t ever know. I feel like my ex’s texts were more of a total discard    But he’s also said harsh things before so I guess it all depends . Every pwbpd is different it seems your ex is more of a waif type . Is this true ?
She probably plays the victim a lot more and more of a quiet bpd type of way. Whereas my ex has outbursts a lot ... I think the important thing is we don’t over analyze and just try to do our best to not respond in a hostile manner to set them off .
So when you write your message or respond (if she replies) keep this in mind : it’s not about you. It’s about her. Don’t react!

I think if my ex messages me that’s how I will respond and I will try to stay neutral. Not let my own emotions get the best of me.