Just got a call that DD19 is in jail

[PeaceMom]

Well I’ve just gotten 3 messages from DD19uBPD that she went to her ex BF’s house and is now in jail. Then I got a message from some “friend” saying he is headed to police station to try to pick her up. She went to see ex and his mom called police on her. 
I’m very calm about this and doing nothing but need thoughts from you all on how to proceed if and when she gets home. I’m not rescuing or running to save her. I am concerned bc she’s painted life dating this ex as “perfect” and believes everything has been horrible since. She needs mental help so very badly but says therapy isn’t helpful. She’s done it off and on for 5 years. 
My worry is about her jobs and her college classes mainly as those are the only healthy normal things she does. The rest of her daily life is unhealthy, dangerous and tragic.
I suppose I know enough not to shame or guilt her and instead just say “I’m so sorry, I can imagine how scary this is, we love you, we will be here for you as you deal with these consequences”.
This will be another academy award level performance by me.
She knew she was not to go near his house or they would call police but her BPD leaves her with high impulse low cognition.
How does one improve these gigantic issues without DBT?
I’m rambling...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Peacemom
I am so sorry this is happening. I know how hard it is to watch our children make horrible choices. It seems your daughter is obsessed with this boy. I got into obsessive relationships like that when I was her age too. There is really nothing you can do to snap her out of it. That will only come with time and growth. In a way this arrest might be a good thing because it will show her how firmly the door has closed on that relationship. But that is for her to discover. Why is simply validating her feelings a performance for you? Does it feel inauthentic?

[PeaceMom]

Faith
Thanks for reminding me that this obsession is something even a non can struggle with. Since BPD’s all suffer from extreme rejection sensitivity, this is probably not atypical behavior for them.
It’s very foreign to anything I’ve ever experienced or done that it is very hard for me to relate to.
I’ve found w/validation of her feelings, feelings = facts to her so she can/has turned it In to me validating her crazy behavior.

I will have to very carefully validate then point out she was told by cops to stay away and that her feeling led her to make a bad choice that led to her arrest.

She called 3 more times and I finally answered. She said can you come get me it’s only $28 to get me out (hm a very low amount?). She was nasty and short tempered. I said “ I’m sorry but we are sleeping. You have $ ask them if you can pay and release yourself”. She asked, they said yes and she hung up on me. Then I got a text at 3am asking if I could pick her up from college class this A.M..

She’s trying to act like everything is normal.
So yes, I struggle being empathetic to her feelings bc they are so dangerously strong and 50% of time quickly lead to bad decisions. I’m not trained in T and I see it all as danger, warning, scary. I’ll try my best to S.E.T. But it’s an act at some level.

[FaithHopeLove]

As I understand it validating feelings just means acknowledging them and letting the BPD person know we believe them, that they aren't lying, that they really feel what they say they are feeling. Validation does not mean agreeing with their choices or ideas. We do not validate the invalid. That is why I asked why it was a performance or an act. BPD people are very sensitive to any fakeness on our part. Validation needs to be sincere even if we are going by a script. Same with SET. It is a way of communicating better not an act. Do you think it would help to practice here with us? What could you say to your daughter about going to jail as a SET message that would feel genuine to her?

[PeaceMom]

Faith,

She will very likely share about her obsessive feelings for this boy who wants away from her. The intense feeling she was having that she feels strongly that this guy is the right one for her. She feels deep love for him. It takes her every waking thought. (See where I’m going with this?)

if I say “ I know how much you love ____ and feel deeply in your heart that this is THE relationship for you. Young love is powerful. I am here for you. But at this point he and his family have told you to stay away or they will seek legal consequences. Can you comply with this? I know this is very difficult for you. If you feel you need extra support, I’m happy to help you search for new T. I know you can do what you need to do to stay on the right side of the law. I love you.”

In the past I’ve tried to validate her deep feelings and the next day she runs out and ACTS on them. No pause button, no reflection. That’s the other hallmark of BPD. She feels it, feelings = facts, she acts on her distorted facts. So easy to validate one who feels deeply, receives my love and understanding, pauses and uses Wisemind. We all win, but rarely in these situations w/DD.

If she brings up the scary facts of the arrest and jail, I can totally validate that fear, shame, humiliation easily w/SET.
(No problem there).

[PeaceMom]

Oh and I forgot to mention, this is the house where she went to talk to his dad about the relationship and the dad came on to her. She says she’s still having flashback of that disgusting painful mess she walked right into. I’ve tried to validate how horrible that must have been, that she can protect herself by not being alone w/men, that a T might be very helpful, etc.

Again, I want to scream-WISE UP. You’ve been the victim of this type of thing probably 5 times. There are things you can do to avoid this!

Very scary and frustrating trying to be a sounding board for her high emotions and poor resulting choices.

[FaithHopeLove]

“

I know how much you love ____ and feel deeply in your heart that this is THE relationship for you. Young love is powerful. I am here for you. But at this point he and his family have told you to stay away or they will seek legal consequences. Can you comply with this? I know this is very difficult for you. If you feel you need extra support, I’m happy to help you search for new T. I know you can do what you need to do to stay on the right side of the law. I love you.”

That sounds pretty good to me. I would edit it a bit but it seems to be on target. Granted she may or may not hear you but your message is on point. Honestly it may be a while before this blows over and she may need to learn the hard way. All you can do is try to keep your own balance.

[PeaceMom]

Just a quick update. She got herself home and to work after being at the police station almost all night. I’ve no idea what the charges were. I got a text from her that she’s staying with. Friend tonight (I’m sure it’s a random guy) because she needs a break from everything.

I texted back “ok. You sure have been thru a lot lately”
She then texted “I really need to pray and learn some coping skills”. I then texted her that I contacted a woman therapist today on her behalf and the T said she might be able to help her with her goals.

She said OK! This is opening up the possibility of therapy again so I’ll pass on the T phone number to her tomorrow.

Just getting up every morning and thinking about her legal problems, relationship problems, work/boss perpetual conflict,, failing college exams, conflicts here at home, would be exhausting. It’s flat out amazing that she gets up and tries again (albeit with no new healthy skills in place so the crisis cycle repeats on a weekly basis)...

[twocrazycats]

Just getting up every morning and thinking about her legal problems, relationship problems, work/boss perpetual conflict,, failing college exams, conflicts here at home, would be exhausting. It’s flat out amazing that she gets up and tries again (albeit with no new healthy skills in place so the crisis cycle repeats on a weekly basis)...

Have you told her that (leaving out the part about the lack of healthy skills of course)? I think the fact that she does that shows real strength of character, and, especially after the night in jail, I'm sure a positive comment like that would be welcome.

I think your response to her earlier in the post, which I did not include in the quote, was excellent. And how wonderful that she seems open to the new T.

[FaithHopeLove]

That really is good news! She wants better for herself and she seems willing to work for it.

[Swimmy55]

Good news . Also pat yourself on the back for not rushing out in the middle of the night to rescue her.  She is figuring out her job and her school is still on the table- all pluses for you and her. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Thanks for the encouragement here. The next night after hail she spent night at friend’s and woke up to BO car. It had been towed from apartment even tho friend thought he resisted it. She called freaking out bc it was $150 to get from tow lot. I just dug in my heels and was totally validating if the feeling of her like being a web of pain fear and confusion. Good grief, is it a wonder why I know now that I have C-PTSD. This is almost daily small and large crises for her. And I have a front row seat as a witness.
I’ve actually decided to go to a 3 day intensive based on Trauma work model from the Meadows in Arizona. My life with her daily dysfunction is just a hair shy of impossible. If she was raging at me during all these crises, I’d implode for sure as I’ve no where to escape to-she lives here! I suppose I’m thankful that she’s only raging a bit daily (maybe 10-15 min), she cries daily too. It’s a lot to hear/see every single darn day!

[PeaceMom]

JAIL AND “No” Car

[FaithHopeLove]

The three day trauma intensive sounds like a brilliant idea. I look forward to hearing more about it.