To tell or not to tell

[SW2016]

My husband and I have been in couples counseling for a year now and it hasn’t been very helpful. We recently had an episode where things got physical & so I decided to meet with the therapist alone. In this session, the therapist confided in me that he believes my husband to have BPD & Narcissism. I asked him why he hasn’t told us this in sessions & he explained that people with BPD normally won’t accept the diagnosis, so he was better off treating him without telling him.
During our last couples session, my husband got incredibly frustrated with the therapist & has now decided that he doesn’t want to see the therapist any longer. He is considering starting over with a different therapist that is strictly specialized in relationship therapy (bc he’s never been told that this isn’t just a relationship conflict).
I think that our therapist should have told my husband of the diagnosis. At this point, he has probably lost him as a client already, but it would at least give us the opportunity to discuss it. My husband is also running around life trying to figure out what’s wrong with him/us (he’s most recently started thinking she should join al-anon because some of the traits fit his childhood). We have after all invested a significant amount of time & money with this therapist to identify the problems in our marriage. I’ve written the therapist & begged him to give my husband his diagnosis & am still awaiting his answer but I’m concerned that he is going to decline my request.

My question for this group, is IF the therapist won’t give my husband his diagnosis, should I tell my husband? I swore confidence to the therapist, but I feel like withholding this information from my husband could destroy my life in the long run. Thoughts from anyone who’s been through this before?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We strongly recommend that members not talk to their partners about BPD.  Sometimes we use capital letters ;)  It nearly always backfires, if not immediately, then eventually.  It is such a strong label, and shame and defensiveness are such a big part of our pwBPD's experiences.  Once that bell is rung, it cannot be unrung.  If you'd like some info on getting him help for the BPD, take a look at this link on how to get a borderline into therapy.  In addition to the article, there is a video at the end.

If you'd like to address issues directly with your husband, you might consider the book, The High Conflict Couple.  It's written by a BPD expert, but never mentions BPD, so some members have shared it with their partners.

Can you tell us about the incident where things got physical?  What led up to it?  What did he do?  How did you respond?

RC

[Chosen]

Agree with what Radcliff said, and I'd also like to add that your husband probably "fired" the current therapist because he sensed that the T knows something's wrong.  I believe that pwBPDs subconsciously try their best to bury those negative feelings of shame and abandonment, and once they feel it from anybody, or if the person triggers it, they will run away from them.

[SW2016]

So after chatting with the therapist about the reasons why I believe my husband should be told (by the therapist), he agreed to tell him that he believes that he is exhibiting some of the traits of BPD and then refer him to a 3rd party for an actual diagnosis. I’m satisfied with this approach because it will at least open up the conversation. Our appointment is next Friday, so we will see how it goes.

I also failed to mention that we have a 2 year old child together & after researching BPD, it’s especially necessary that we get on the same page.

In response to Radcliffs question, the latest incident he locked me in the bedroom with my toddler, then later in the evening picked me up and threw me out the backdoor (I was bruised up on the arms where he grabbed me), locking me out. Both times he finally unlocked the doors & he eventually left. In the past he has threatened to rape me, push me around, and will block the doorways/stairways when I’m trying to leave. He has admitted to this in therapy & I felt surprised that the therapist “let him off of the hook” as easily as he did. This last time, our cameras recorded me being thrown outside (which has been saved). The violence seems to be escalating. Once he calms down, he seems to understand the seriousness of it all.

We have a great marriage about 80% of the time & it has only gotten physical a few times, but I’ve made it clear to him that if the violence continues, I’ll have no choice but to leave with our child.

[SW2016]

And thanks for the advice & book recommendations! I will definitely check those out regardless of how Friday goes.

[Harri]

Hi.  Thanks for sharing more information.

I am concerned about the degree of domestic violence that is happening in the home, not just the physical altercations but the threats.  Who else, other than the therapist, is aware of what is going on?  Do you have family members, friends or clergy you can talk with?  Generally getting other people involved, people who will not escalate the situation, is best as it sheds light on the situation and may call for your husband to be accountable for his actions.

Can you please fill out the Safety First Plan we have here?  This is important in case you need to get you and your child to safety.  We can help you fill it out.

In the meantime, have you ever contacted local domestic violence shelters?  You can often talk with them about strategies, and things to consider. 

[Radcliff]

I echo Harri's recommendation to touch base with local DV folks.  BPD and intimate partner abuse are two separate problems that sometimes overlap.  The DV folks will have a valuable perspective.  You'll find that your situation of things being mostly good, with intermittent and escalating violence, is more the norm than the exception.  It's super tough for us to wrap our head around how it can be good 80% of the time but over-the-top-not-OK for periods when things go off the rails.

Unfortunately, therapists are often not "abuse aware."  They usually don't receive much DV training, and are heavily steeped in models of human interaction that look at both people's parts in the problems.  These models have limitations in cases of personality disorders and control/violence, and you've got both situations going on.

How do you feel about the idea of contacting a local DV agency?

RC