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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Lying, manipulation and character assasination - how do you cope with it  (Read 1319 times)
Catan

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« on: October 15, 2019, 04:48:07 PM »

Hi there,
I've finally found the courage to leave my partner (of five years) who I suspect has BPD.  The relationship was highly volatile, he criticised everything I did, undermined me, called me horrible names - it was an abusive relationship.  I tried to talk to him a couple of months ago about how bad things were, and even suggested that he might have a personality disorder - that he could seek help etc.

Well, what has happened now - is it feels like he is now telling his family and mutual friends that I am the one with BPD, that I am abusive etc.  The evidence strongly suggests the opposite of course, but it doesn't stop him from lying.  I just wanted to check whether others have experienced this?  Essentially their partner or ex making false accusations about you etc.   Its not necessarily new behaviour and 've tried talking to him in the past about, but he just ignores me.  Its like he actually believe what he is saying is the truth.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 04:54:35 PM by Catan » Logged
secretgirl
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« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2019, 05:59:39 PM »

You’re not the only one Catan ... I experienced all this . As you read through the threads more you’ll see many of us have similar stories . I’m sorry for what you’re going through... my heart goes out to you.
I’ve been accused of being the one with BpD also after bringing it up once to my ubpdexbf and I’ve also been accused of all sorts of things that are illogical and coming from a place of insecurity. It seems it’s part of the illness. This boardroom helps with all . Some of t he users are trying to help me fix my mindset and my r/s it’s a good place to start if you want to fix it or if you want to detach. It’s nice to have people support you Smiling (click to insert in post)
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BrokenSpokane
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« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2019, 10:07:41 AM »

Although I wasn't accused of having BPD by my now exBPD, she did get very upset when our therapist suggested she has it, out at least traits of the disorder. It's all part of the disorder. Defense mechanism.

I can relate. The criticism, calling of names, belittling, being undermined.

What my exBPD did the last couple weeks of the relationship is she wanted to go to therapy to work on her trust and abandonment issues (cornerstone of BPD) and continue to go to counseling. But, as the days went by, she slowly backtracked on going to counseling, blamed me for the state of the relationship (I was talking to friends, family because I was in so much pain and suicidal) and said her anger is no longer an issue, for her blood sugar levels are under control now.

You're not crazy, it's not your fault and you're not alone. I love that. It's from page 10 and 11 of Stop Walking on Eggshells.
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Catan

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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2019, 02:06:11 PM »

Thanks for the replies and understanding.  It sounds like my ex is behaving in a similar manner to others BPD partners.   I have to keep reminding myself that these people experience the world in a completely different way, that they do not appear to have remorse, or feel guilty/empathy about hurting their significant other...its this narcissistic tendancy that I find hardest.    The abuse has been there right from the start, but my ex to this day will completely deny any of it happened...despite the overwhelming evidence.

I guess, with time apart - things get easier to deal with?  That the hurt is less etc?

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secretgirl
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« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2019, 02:19:42 PM »

Thanks for the replies and understanding.  It sounds like my ex is behaving in a similar manner to others BPD partners.   I have to keep reminding myself that these people experience the world in a completely different way, that they do not appear to have remorse, or feel guilty/empathy about hurting their significant other...its this narcissistic tendancy that I find hardest.    The abuse has been there right from the start, but my ex to this day will completely deny any of it happened...despite the overwhelming evidence.

I guess, with time apart - things get easier to deal with?  That the hurt is less etc?



100%. You can't force anyone into therapy. Unfortunately if they can't see a problem with their actions, nothing will ever change. You can only change yourself/your actions and reactions. It does get easier with time, trust me. You start to see them for who they truly were... the illusion of them starts to fade and the reality sets in (your logical mind). Then, if they come back, you've had more time to think and grow stronger to decide more competently whether it's something you want to take on or not Smiling (click to insert in post) it's all a personal decision, I think. No right or wrong here.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2019, 02:42:32 PM »

Hey Catan, Same thing happened to me, so I can relate.  My suggestion is to stay above the fray and decline to participate in any disparaging of your Ex.  It's a winnowing process, and you'll find out who your real friends are.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
PeteWitsend
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« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2019, 02:45:03 PM »

. . .
Well, what has happened now - is it feels like he is now telling his family and mutual friends that I am the one with BPD, that I am abusive etc.  The evidence strongly suggests the opposite of course, but it doesn't stop him from lying.  I just wanted to check whether others have experienced this?  . . .

Hi Catan,
I was fortunate in that a friend of mine I had confided in (he's a psychiatrist) warned me not to mention I suspected my XW was BPD to her.  

It made sense, although at the time I wasn't sure why.

I also saw others give that same advice here, and also have read the accounts of people that either didn't receive that advice or didn't heed it.  

the results are always the same: the Non-disordered person tells the pwBPD that they suspect they are disordered, out of a sincere, but naïve intent to convince the pwBPD to get help.

Instead the pwBPD turns this back on the non, saying THEY are the borderline case, and usually mounts a "publicity campaign" telling friends and family some distorted version of the conversation, to drum up sympathy for themselves, and alienate and humiliate the Non.

it never ends well.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 02:52:35 PM by PeteWitsend » Logged
PeteWitsend
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« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2019, 02:51:58 PM »

Hey Catan, Same thing happened to me, so I can relate.  My suggestion is to stay above the fray and decline to participate in any disparaging of your Ex.  It's a winnowing process, and you'll find out who your real friends are.

LJ

I've learned from some mutual friends that my BPDxw has been telling people I was having an affair, and that's why I left.

Even though it may seem kinda embarrassing to her, it lets her "off the hook" when it comes to questions over how much share of the blame does she bear for the breakdown, and also leads people to be sympathetic to her.

In one case, a couple told me they knew it was BS, and that I had been a faithful husband,  but I felt like they still pulled back from contact with me.  I don't really blame them though; no one wants to get involved in serious drama like that, and have the BPDX start spreading rumors about them too. 

borderlines are nasty!
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Longterm
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« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2019, 04:08:47 PM »

Hi Catan

I can relate to this, many here can. I've had all sorts of things said about me and initially it hurt that someone I cared about would say these things about me. I think once you understand what you are dealing with it can become easier for it to have a lesser impact, it's hard yes but you cannot make somebody change the way they see you.

Excerpt
 
I guess, with time apart - things get easier to deal with?  That the hurt is less etc?

Yes, keep going, honor your truth and yourself.

LT.
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Catan

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« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2019, 05:26:13 PM »

Thank you so much for the replies.   I am surprised at how normal this is for an UBPD.   I do wonder how someone that I really cared about (and still do care) could be so nasty and awful to me.   I couldn't be the same about him, as I would feel so bad afterwards.  But for him, its like his whole sense of reality is twisted.  He shows no remorse - even when I show him the evidence / facts.   It feels like he is in self preservation mode, and will do anything in his power to make me out as the bad one.  

I need to care less.  I can't stop him from making horrible stuff up about me, for essentially lying to our mutual friends etc in an effort to ruin my character.  I just need to be thankful that I've found the courage to leave, and I need to keep focusing on rebuilding my life.  

I just wonder, what are you supposed to do if you are with someone who you highly suspect has BPD.   If you can't raise it with them, is there a point where they are self aware and want to seek help themselves?  
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Longterm
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« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2019, 05:35:48 PM »

Yes, it does happen, it is rare though. They would need many therapies over a long period of time. A lot of us have experienced a sudden change where the pwBPD has stated that they know they have issues and will work on them. Sadly it is usually at a time when they want something or are trying to convince you to stick around, the cycle always comes back around though. It is better to concentrate on how we ourselves behave if we choose to stay in these types of relationships.

Excerpt
  I need to keep focusing on rebuilding my life. 

Yes, you cant sit around waiting for someone to change, it's important to think about what we want.

LT.

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2019, 05:49:10 PM »

Excerpt
I just wonder, what are you supposed to do if you are with someone who you highly suspect has BPD.   If you can't raise it with them, is there a point where they are self aware and want to seek help themselves? 

Hey Catan, I suggest you decline to take responsibility for the well being of another adult.  And don't hold your breath on that self-awareness!

Excerpt
I can't stop him from making horrible stuff up about me, for essentially lying to our mutual friends etc in an effort to ruin my character.  I just need to be thankful that I've found the courage to leave, and I need to keep focusing on rebuilding my life. 

Right, you can't control what he is saying so I suggest you let it go.  Agree with continued focus on your life and needs.  Get back on your path.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive to be authentic.  You get the idea!

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2019, 06:49:29 PM »

I guess, with time apart - things get easier to deal with?  That the hurt is less etc?

time will numb the pain.

if you sit in a room and do nothing for six months, i assure you that youll feel better.

but time doesnt heal wounds. if it did, our partners would be cured.

invest in your recovery. you can come out of this older, wiser, better, stronger, more resilient, healthier.
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« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2019, 06:45:10 AM »

Excerpt
Unfortunately if they can't see a problem with their actions, nothing will ever change.

Sometimes they can aknowledge that something is, indeed, wrong with themselves. My exBPDgf could. And sometimes she accepted the idea of being in therapy. But then, that idea vanishes. They cannot hold them for long. She indeed went to therapy, but to play the victim of an abuser (me), to gain some strenght and self-esteem so she could leave the abuser (me). And i think that her therapist went along that idea.

One time, in the begining of the r/s, i said that the borderlines sometimes were atracted to narcisists and vice-versa. I said it because her ex- seemed narcisistic to me. I was so naive... She used it to call me narcisist years later.

It was very hard to her, to see a problem in her actions, for very long. She is very disordered, so her behaviors were so obvious, and sometimes she aknowledged it, but then, i think it was too hard to maintain that idea, because that was the same as if she accepted that she was flawded, an unbearable idea to maintain. Easier to project.

My exBPDgf smeared me. Said i called her a whore, that she dressed like one, that i beat her up, etc. I never did or said none of those things. She said that I was dating other women (when she was the one doing it), that i ended up r/s. All lies. Sometimes i had problems even to find out how could she came up with this inventions.

Fortunetelly, the friends we have in common and even her family didn't believed her for the most part. Only her friends and new bf's believe. She couldn't hide the fact that she is very disordered. And people notice.

It's a feeling of betrayal and desbelief, that someone to whom you dedicated so much of your time, care, love and energy could do something like this, but they really can't see things as they are. They need to distort it.

The way i cope with it, was not to worry much about what other people think. The people that really care about me know the truth. But even the others, sooner or later will aknowledge. And if they don't, it's ok. Sometimes it can not be so easy to be in that acceptance state. It takes some time. And yes, it gets easier. Also you have to aknowledge that they do this to survive. It's their survival mechanisms. Everything counts to preserver their false ego. And there is nothing you can do about this. It's not your fault.
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BrokenSpokane
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« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2019, 10:38:02 AM »

My exBPDgf smeared me. Said i called her a whore, that she dressed like one, that i beat her up, etc. I never did or said none of those things. She said that I was dating other women (when she was the one doing it), that i ended up r/s. All lies. Sometimes i had problems even to find out how could she came up with this inventions.

It's a feeling of betrayal and desbelief, that someone to whom you dedicated so much of your time, care, love and energy could do something like this, but they really can't see things as they are. They need to distort it.

The way i cope with it, was not to worry much about what other people think. The people that really care about me know the truth. But even the others, sooner or later will aknowledge. And if they don't, it's ok.

Everything counts to preserver their false ego. And there is nothing you can do about this. It's not your fault.

Wow. I can so relate to all these things you said. It's so hard to hear all these lies. I had to sit in court recently and hear her say all these lies, distorted truths about me. None of what she said was true. We spend 4 years together and I poured my heart and soul into the relationship and my faith in her. She betrayed me by viewing my personal diary and tried to (unsuccessfully) use some things I wrote against me in court. Such a betrayal.

To hear her version was such a fantasy land, it was unbelievable. But, she has a switch inside her that can turn off all emotion and she's such a good liar and manipulator, she was able to calmly describe her version. But, in the end, she was able to get a protection order against someone that has no desire to ever, ever speak or see her again. So, it isn't a big deal. It's just sad that her version of reality is on record. I do take solace in knowing that my friends and family know the truth, they know her, her sick behavior (they saw all of it) and they are completely supportive.

You're right in that they distort reality to support their feelings and fears. It's not my fault. Thank you for that.
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40days_in_desert
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« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2019, 10:46:36 AM »

Like many others on here I know what you are going through. Just a few of the things that my ex claimed to be true about me to others:

~ Told my two oldest daughters that I would bring prostitutes to my hotel room when out of town
~ That I had two homosexual affairs
~ That I was hiding money from her
~ That I had BPD, Schizophrenia, Bipolar
~ That I went to all of her family members and turned them against her
~ That I was so obsessed with her that I constantly had her followed
~ That I was neglecting our kids when I had them during my custodial time
~ That I was looking at child pornography
~ That I was addicted to prescription drugs
~ That I gave her permission to reconnect with her ex boyfriend

This is just a sample. I agree with Lucky Jim on how to handle it. There may be examples where accusations are made that relate to legal issues. If you are being accused of something that could result in a false arrest, make sure that you deny it with a one sentence, "I did not do..." and leave it at that. There's a small chance that no response to an accusation of a criminal act could be taken as an admission of guilt. Most of what people here have experienced are character assassinations.
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“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
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« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2019, 11:22:52 PM »

This has been the most sickening aspect of the exodus of this relationship for me as well. Watching them out on the victim act for folks they’re Cozying up to in the wake of the breakup is disgusting.

The only thing that has gotten me through it was that I ended things with her after only 4 months. Didn’t fall for any of the hovering / recycling crap. Went defcom 6 on her and went to management about her vandalizing my car.

Boundaries are our saving grace in the face of character assassination. You simply disengage with it. Stop today and go no contact.

My ex can wave guys in my face. She can stay at this job we both work at forever. But one thing she can’t do is smile with satisfaction about beating me because she didn’t. I see a boundary and didn’t budge. She doesn’t like me but she damn sure respects me.
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