My Husband.

[Needsafriend]

He hasn't officially been diagnosed yet, that requires money, money which is thin in our house. For the most part, we're managing well, except the traits that come with BPD, his trait, the impulsive spending has been very bad lately. I don't know how to get him to slow down, whenever I ask, he becomes depressed and anxious. And, I hate seeing him like that.

I'm trying to arrange for therapy (DBT) but again, money is required. I need to know if this ebbs and flows, like it will calm down on it's own or what? I need help. Anyone else going through this? Suggestions? Advice?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blue_watermelon]

This sounds tough. Wish I knew more to be helpful. How did you convince him to have DBT therapy or was that his choice?

Do you think he wants to change his spending habits?

[Needsafriend]

I talked to him about it, he'd been seeing a CBT psychologist for anxiety but it barely helped. We decided together to try DBT but the condition is that I attend all the therapy with him.

He constantly comments that he's a financial drain, that he wishes he could work and that he wishes he had money. I think he knows that he has a problem but I'm not sure about the changing it. I'd like to have to spend less though. Right now, I'm balancing a bit much and just wondered if someone here knew more or had experience where I don't.

[blue_watermelon]

Hi Needsafriend,
I don't have much knowledge or experience to offer but happy to keep talking and maybe someone else will join in.   

I think its great that he is willing to try DBT and it sounds like its only early days? Hopefully concrete results will come.

Is there a way you can set limits on his spending when it gets out of hand? It sounds like you are bringing in the income. Is that right?

[Needsafriend]

That is a fight for after therapy starts. Setting limits will be tough.

I've downloaded a DBT book and am going to see if theres anything I can do at home, but you know, I'm his wife and I don't want to wind up feeling like his mother. I want children in the future.

[blue_watermelon]

Ah, I hear you. What we want is for a mature relationship with another adult, right?

I'm thinking in this situation however, your husband is acting like a kid. He can't control himself. If there are no limits to your husband spending with your money, it is only going to get worse for both of you.

I'm wondering if you can arrange things so that there is some money he has access to and some that he does not.

This may sound strong, but if things continue down their current path, what do you think is the chance of divorce? At that point your finances will be fully separated. But if you can separate some of the finances now, it may be something that can help your marriage.

Again, I don't know your situation so I might be way off.

[Needsafriend]

Personally, I don't believe in divorce and, I love him way to much to leave him alone in this fight.

I know that without me, he wouldn't be... And that thought hurts me deeply. With me, I know that he has a chance for therapy and to get better, at least enough to settle some of his traits / symptoms.

[blue_watermelon]

I hear you. It sounds like you are a good influence in his life.

But yes, in many ways I feel being with a BPD spouse is being married to a person who is not an adult. If you don't feel ready to commit to a boundary on money, is there another area of your relationship you can work on a boundary first?